i am being tested.

got more results back;

i don’t have osteopenia (yay!) but my bone density is lower than expected for someone my age. “high risk for osteoporosis”, as the sheet says.

and that’s the good news.

as for my TTG? it jumped from 60 to A HUNDRED AND FUCKING FIFTY FUCKING FIVE. 155! and this is after i cut all gluten. and this is with NO *no* *N*O* cheats. the only times i’ve had gluten in the last 3 months since my last blood test i can count on one hand, and every single one of those times it was by accidentally ingesting food that was “made in a facility” with wheat. and those were all within the first week of being diagnosed, as i cut all those MIAF’s right away.

but apparently gluten can hide in things that aren’t even marked as containing gluten, or processed in a facility with gluten. dear gluten, fuck off & leave me alone. pretty please?

and what is worse than this? (ha, shall i make a list?)

in the last 6 weeks i’ve been diligently following my elimination diet, which has me cut absolutely everything except certain vegetables & fish/beef/bison. mostly because everything else i was/am reacting to. pork is gone, chicken is gone, turkey is gone. fruit is gone, nuts are gone, yeast is gone, egg is gone, forget about spices & seasonings. coffee is gone, tea is gone, chocolate is gone. sugar was gone a long time ago, as was dairy. soy has been gone for months now, too. anything that comes in a box is gone, anything that goes in the microwave is gone, anything with an ingredient list of more than ONE FUCKING THING is gone. oh, and did i mention yet 6 weeks ago i cut ALL GRAINS? no rice, no quinoa, no millet, no teff, no oats. no corn. no potato. NO RICE!! no cabbage/onion/garlic. no sulfates, no preservatives, no pesticides. nothing but organic whole foods. and only some of those. the list of things i don’t eat is really much longer than this. but i’m depressed enough already.

how the fuck can i have MORE GLUTEN eating like this, than when i was having the monthly-cheat of a gluteny muffin or cupcake or panini? or iced chocolate cake….

how was i healthier THEN than i am now, on this ridiculously restrictive diet!!? even more pressing: HOW AM I STILL HAVING GLUTEN?

is it because i inhale a little too deeply when i walk past subway?

is it because i stare a little too longingly at the bread commercials?

all my medications are circle stamped gluten free. everything in a package (except for my frozen vegetables & ground beef) say gluten free. are STAMPED gluten free.

IS IT BECAUSE I LIVE A BLOCK AWAY FROM A BAKERY!!?

maybe my vegetables are contaminated? is grainfed beef gluten-free? IS OXYGEN REALLY GLUTEN IN DISGUISE? the stupidest thing is i don’t even know if i’m joking. it sounds like i am, but sure doesn’t feel like it. at least i still have my sense of humour. and shitloads of gluten in my system. fuck!

now i think, maybe i am not actually reacting to every single food i’ve cut in my quest to find-foods-that-i-can-tolerate; maybe it’s… no, IT IS just the gluten. so, now, on the anniversary of the 6 weeks of which i have been on this ridiculously restrictive (did i say that already?) elimination diet……….. i find out that maybe an elimination diet isn’t the answer. or helpful at all. because the one thing i SHOULD be eliminating, is FUCKING GLUTEN.

dear gluten, i know you love me. and i loved you, for a long long time. but this relationship has become destructive & now i see you were never meant to be with me. i know it’s hard for you to hear this (or hear at all, as you’re a tiny molecule of deathness), but it’s over. or, it will be, as soon as i find out where the hell you’re hiding.
love,
me.