I am the textbook example of hypomania: I check all the boxes. And I’ve had one true mania, which was induced within 1 day of starting my-AD-from-hell, Effexor XR. 37.5mg sent me absolutely electric, although true to form, I didn’t realize it was an issue until after it was done & I was left bleeding out the pieces of my broken life. but at the time, it felt great. felt like I had taken 3 days worth of speed, but without the guilt trip of doing illicit, dangerous drugs. you mean, my doctor will just give me this? & I can walk around town not feeling like an intoxicated criminal? well, hook me up. & the side effects, well.. all medication have them. but this rush is worth it!

my loss of control that followed I blamed solely on the medication, because I’d never had an extreme like that before, well, at least not sober. my doctors agreed, & after skipping over things I personally didn’t think really mattered, I was diagnosed: bipolar ii. I hung out in the shade of that diagnosis for many months, convincing myself “at least it’s not bipolar i, it’s ii, which is a milder form, right?! totally almost like nothing!”, which somehow made me feel a little less like medication was necessary. I could control this on my own. after all, only my depressions were dangerous. my hypomanias were just fine. denial is kinda my thing.

plus I read up on bipolar i:

“People may feel out of control or unstoppable, or as if they have been “chosen” and are “on a special mission” or have other grandiose or delusional ideas.. ..At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood.” -wiki, manic episode.

oh, well, that’s definitely not me. delusions? feeling like a god? psychosis? breaks from reality? I said, completely in denial. after all, my ups had never truly been dysfunctional — only my downs. on the upswing, I was just highly creative, very productive, with passionate energy & the ability to pull allnighters without blinking. yes, I was reckless as hell, but I was a teenager. yes, I had a shopping problem, but I had the money. my hypomanias were just icing. plus, they were so much fun. I’m sure you can relate.

perhaps it was denial. hell, this is coming from the girl who thought she could cure herself with a mixture of vitamins, minerals & getting to bed on time. forget the psychiatrists, I know best. but denial doesn’t just run deep, it drowns so there I lived, on the bottom of the ocean, for a while.

swimming towards the surface…
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