it's been a long, long time . . .

Hasn't it?  I just realized my last three posts were blog hop posts, and the one before that was a retreat post ... on my annual Sweet Affirmation Sisterhood (SAS) retreat (which I just wrapped up again).  So nearly a year.

Wow.

I think one of the reasons it's taken so long is . . . I haven't wanted to type that my darling Todd died in January.  We knew in July of last year that his cancer was no longer curable, but we were really all astounded by how quickly it spread.  It truly was shockingly fast. His doctor suggested he go into hospice care on Tuesday, January 9, and he passed away on the morning of Sunday, January 14.  My heart still aches.  But he fought so hard.  I don't think I realized just how hard he fought until after the fact.  Which makes me cry some more.

Click  to view Todd's obituary.

It's taken me several weeks to write this post.  Not to mention the dozens of times I've pulled up the blog over the last six months, only to close the tab in my browser, seconds later.  But I know if I don't get through this first post, there won't be more . . . and I miss blogging. So I pull it up and add (or delete) from it, day by day.

After Christmas, we moved to Joc's for ease and comfort.  Todd was able to pass from life to Life, with our sweet family surrounding him.  I continued to stay there through the end of February.  Then I moved back to the Camp.  It's a mixed blessing . . . Todd and I had spent our last fifteen years here, the majority of our marriage, so I feel close to him . . . but it can also feel overwhelming. 

 

Todd's headstone was installed on his birthday.
We celebrated graveside with his favorite ice cream cake.

I haven't really done much in the way of quilting this past year.  In fact, Todd's Alabama quilt is the last quilting project I worked on/completed.  

But I've been playing in wool and with cross stitch, so I've kept my fingers agile.  This SAS retreat was good for me . . . I felt like I got some quilting mojo back.  Ha! Not that I did any, but I did find some really cute patterns I'd like to play with in the very near future, and purchased some fun fabrics.

I still burst into tears without warning.  I miss him so, so very much.  I am grateful I have such a good support system of family, church, and friends.  Jocelyn, in particular, has been a rock (or an empathetic weeping puddle, depending on where I was) for me.  I read somewhere that the capacity to love requires the necessity to mourn.  I loved Todd Panter big.  I imagine I will mourn big for a long time. 

Life looks different.  And honestly, I'm not completely sure who I am, without Todd by my side.  I guess I'll figure it out.  

Baby steps.