The problem with child leashes is that they demean all involved. But how to keep your energetic preschooler close by and out of that stack of shirts the Target lady is folding for the fifth time since lunch? You only have two shoes, and once you’ve thrown them both, your kid knows he’s free to bolt for the digital cameras. The solution is simple. BACKPACKS.

But not just ANY backpacks. No, backpacks filled with scraps of cast iron. Kid extra-rowdy? pack that backpack full of cast iron. Feeling a little under the weather? Take some out! The beauty of this system is its flexibility. Also, the cast iron is scraps, so it’s GREEN.

Still not convinced? The backpacks will give the little ankle biters cardio to work off the Big Mac you bought them for lunch. It’s like getting a 4-year head start on joining a soccer team! AND, when they grumble about how cleaning up after themselves is too much effort, let them take off the backpack for chores! They’ll get a second wind!

I’ll be taking orders as soon as I get back from the scrapyard.