We decided we were moving to Vernal a week or two before we found out we were pregnant. As part of that decision, we decided that I would apply to be an elementary school teacher in Vernal and so I was in the middle of my application. It was March 31st, a Sunday, when I took a pregnancy test. My period was two weeks late - not unusual for me with very irregular periods, but we had been trying to get pregnant, so I thought we should check. I took the test and cried when it was positive. We could hardly believe it.
{6 weeks}
We were planning on waiting to tell people until after I had been to the doctor. We decided we would go to the doctor that I had seen a few months earlier for a check-up, and so I called the next day. The nurse told me I was probably about 6 weeks and that they could see me at 8 weeks - two weeks later. I also decided to go ahead and continue with submitting my teaching application to Uintah School District. I figured it would take a week or two to get back to me with an interview, and then a week or two again with an official answer. By then I would know for sure if I was pregnant because I would have been to the doctor and I would be able to make a decision about whether or not I would take the job.
Things didn’t go the way I thought they would, though. I sent in my application Monday morning - the day after finding out that I was pregnant - and got a call later that afternoon asking me to come to Vernal for an interview. I told the woman on the phone that I lived in Provo and needed to make some arrangements, and that I would call her back and let her know. Then I had a little break-down. I called Daniel and told him what was going on and that I didn’t know what to do. We eventually called my mom and told her that I was pregnant and that it wasn’t an April Fools joke. She was very excited, and when we explained the situation, she encouraged me to interview because they wouldn’t offer me the job on the same day and it would give me more time to make a decision.
Since it was Spring Break, I wasn’t teaching that week and so drove out to Vernal on Wednesday morning to interview. While there, I told my dad that I was pregnant, had a successful interview, ate lunch, and then drove home. It was a long day of driving, but I felt like it had been necessary. I had a class at BYU that evening, and while I was in class, I got a phone call from the school district offering me a job. Daniel picked me up and I burst into tears. I was flattered that they liked me enough to offer me a job on the same day as my interview, but I was not sure what to do. I was only six weeks pregnant and knew that miscarriages happen all too frequently before thirteen weeks. Plus, I hadn’t been to a doctor yet and so maybe I wasn’t even really pregnant? But I also knew the baby would probably be coming in November if I really was six weeks pregnant and I knew that I didn’t want to be teaching and have a baby in the middle of the year when I’d traded districts, schools, and grades. Thankfully, we had until Friday to decide and so we prayed.
We prayed morning, noon, and night that we would know what to do. I was torn-up about it. I knew that what I wanted more than anything else was to be a stay-at-home mom with my children. But I was so afraid that if I turned down the job, I would end up having a miscarriage and regret not having a job later.
Daniel and I went for a walk to give us some time to talk about what was going on and what we wanted. We talked about how financially we would be more than ok if I didn’t work. If we stuck to our budget - something we are actually really good at doing - we would not need any extra income and Daniel would be making plenty with his new job in Vernal. So that was one worry gone. Then we talked about what we wanted ultimately for our family. We both want me to be at home with our children. We talked about how it would be hard to have a baby in the middle of the school year and then have to go back and leave that baby in the care of someone else. My mom was willing, of course, but she works in the mornings and so we would have to find someone to do the morning. I wasn’t comfortable with that. I also knew that the grade I would be teaching was first grade and first graders really need stability and security - not a teacher for three months, then a sub for two months, and then their teacher back for three more months. It is so hard on the students (and the teacher).
Really, though, it came down to Daniel telling me that I couldn’t make a decision out of fear. I couldn’t accept the job because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t and that it would be better to say no now than try to say no later. Of course, he was right. I said a prayer that night and told God my decision to not take the job - and why. I told Him that I was so grateful for the opportunity that He was presenting to me to be a mom and that that role was what I wanted more than anything, so I was going to prove it. I was going to act on faith and do what I have been told I am supposed to do and fulfill my mission in life. I also asked that since I was being faithful and trying to do what was right, please please please let me keep this baby and have a successful delivery and be a mom.
After making the call the next day to the school district and telling them that I wasn’t going to be taking the job because I had just found out I was expecting a baby, I felt amazing. I was no longer afraid, but excited. The district was very understanding and said they would keep my records on file and should know that if I ever wanted to work for them, I was more than welcome.
It was decided. I was going to have a baby and be a stay-at-home mom. I was thrilled.
*****
The weeks leading up to my first doctor appointment were a little bit stressful. I started to get morning sickness, but I never threw up. I just felt really crappy and like I was going to throw up at any moment. I was very grateful, however, that I only felt sick at home. I felt bad for Daniel that I was sick at home morning and night, but I was so glad that I wasn’t sick at school (aka work where I taught 2nd grade) so I could keep doing my job like I was supposed to.
More stressful than the sickness however, were the doubts that started to arise that I was even pregnant at all. It’s very discouraging being sick all the time, even though it will be worth it at the end, because the only reason you know it will be worth it is because you’re sick - a weird proof that I
was pregnant. I was nervous that we would show up at the doctor’s office and he would say that I was not pregnant - just had some weird flu bug or something and give me some medicine.
I remember getting a blessing from Daniel one day when I was feeling particularly gross and discouraged. I don’t remember what was said, but I do remember feeling peace and that I needed to continue exercising the faith I’d said I would use when we made the decision about Vernal. So I did my best to send my fears packing and just focus on the upcoming visit with the doctor.
We met with an awesome man at Valley OBGYN - Dr. Melendez. We had met with him once before a few months earlier for a routine check-up and he made us both feel very comfortable and at ease. We were confident that he knew what he was doing and that we would be in good hands. We filled out paperwork, did the pre-appointment tests, and went in to talk with the doctor. He was excited for us and answered all our initial questions about what to eat and avoid, as well as what medications I could take (I had frequent headaches, but I didn’t want to overdose on some medicine and hurt the baby). Then he told us that we were going to do an ultrasound. I was shocked and soooo excited. Most women that I had talked to said that there wouldn’t be an ultrasound until the end of the first trimester, but Dr. Melendez explained to us that he liked to do early ultrasounds in case of multiple babies. I was ok with that.
I laid on the table and Dr. Melendez started up the machine and told me to watch the TV screen on the wall. I did, and pretty soon we saw a little bean-shaped mass in my tummy with a flickering part in the middle that Dr. Melendez said was the heart beat. He measured the little bean and said that everything looked to be great and “on schedule.” I cried, but only a tiny little bit. It was more than I had expected or hoped for and I was so grateful for a wonderful manifestation that I was indeed pregnant and even though I couldn’t see from the outside, or feel it inside, our baby was alive in there.
{Week 10}
That ultrasound got me through the rough weeks that followed. Week 12 was especially hard. I had thrown up twice up until then, and then during week 12 I through up twice in two days - and then some. It was awful. I even threw up at school and on the side of the road on the way to school while riding in carpool. I stayed as optimistic as I could, remembering that at this time, this was the only way I knew I was pregnant. But it got really hard and I’m sad to say that I was glad when school was over so that I didn’t have to try to be cheerful all day when I felt so sick. I was also sad school was over, of course, but mixed with it was a sort of relief for being able to be sick at my own house instead of trying to run down the hall to the bathroom. You get the picture.
The next doctor appointment we had we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time which was another miracle and blessing to me. It was another beautiful confirmation that I was indeed growing a little human and, again, got me through the tough times that followed. It was also our last doctor appointment at Valley OBGYN because we were moving to Vernal.
Moving to Vernal was the right decision, but we were very unsettled about how we were going to make it work with
Hypnobabies. We had been looking more at the website, though we hadn’t ordered any of the home study course yet because we weren’t sure if we
could do it in Vernal. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to give birth at a birthing center like I wanted because there isn’t one in Vernal, and I wasn’t sure how willing the doctors would be to let me do the program and have things my way. Basically, I was still scared of giving birth because I couldn’t believe that the doctor would let me have my own way instead of just following routine procedures. Despite others telling me that I was crazy, I was determined to NOT have an epidural - no matter what else happened. I knew that my fear of needles would make it that much worse and I was already scared of giving birth, much less having a big old needle in my back. However, I was very unsure as to what would really happen.
After the move to Vernal, and more praying, Daniel and I decided that Hypnobabies was the right way to go for us and that it would make a huge difference in the experience of giving birth - for both of us. We were still unsure as to how the doctor we chose would react, but we knew that it was what we wanted to do and so we prayed that we would find a doctor that would support us. We ordered the home-study course and got started right away doing the readings and listening to the CDs.
The change in my attitude about birthing was instantaneous. It all made so much sense - the program, the philosophies and ideas behind it, and why we felt so good about moving forward with doing it. It was (is) a very spiritual thing for me. Hypnobabies reminds women that childbirth is what our bodies are meant to do. Childbirth shouldn’t be scary and dreaded. It is a beautiful, miraculous process and something that our bodies already know how to do because it is part of our divine inheritance as women. I immediately knew that this was something right, good, and that I believed in. I was finally excited for birthing.
{Week 15}
We met with a doctor in Vernal as soon as we could - in fact, the doctor we met with was Dr. Anderson, the doctor who my mom went to for my two youngest sisters. He was very easy-going and made us feel good. When we told Dr. Anderson about our plan to do Hypnobabies, he wasn’t supportive or unsupportive. He basically told us that he had seen things done all sorts of ways and that it was our baby and we could do what we wanted. I felt a little bit reassured by that, but I was still nervous of giving birth in a hospital - worried that they would force me to do something that I didn’t want to do. However, I didn’t think there was any other option and so I was preparing myself the best that I could. I loved doing
Hypnobabies, and despite my concerns, it helped keep me calm and optimistic.
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