stream of consciousness

This post probably will not make sense. It will be a jumble of thoughts and emotions and words. I don't plan to adhere to punctuation and may cross words out here and there. I hope it will be cathartic. For me. Just a warning. ;)

The picture above is from Parker & Lindsey's wedding a few weeks ago. One of the many that I took that night. I'm fairly proud of it, the colors, the archway in the background, the way I was able to focus the camera. I've been thinking a lot since then about our 5 year anniversary coming up next week. That's right. Can you believe it? Daniel and I have been married for 5 years. We had wanted to make it something special. We missed our "golden" anniversary last year (4 years on the 4th) and so felt that 5 years ought to be special. Well, because of circumstances - opening the theatre, buying rights & shows to put in the theatre, etc - funds are tight. Ok. Funds are nonexistent. Especially for anything extra.

I don't want money. That's not what I'm saying. I just wish that doing the things I wish I could for Daniel didn't take money. Does that make sense? We had grand plans...and had to channel them elsewhere. Not that I regret the road our lives have taken. In fact, I enjoy it. I guess I'm just human like everyone else and sometimes wish I could do a little bit more. I don't know how Daniel feels about it. He says he doesn't care what we do for our anniversary as long as we spend time together. He's sweet, huh? But I know he would love the opportunity to do something new/exciting. We keep saying "maybe next year". I guess we'll have to say it again.

You know, life is interesting. A friend of mine wrote a blog post about being faithful even if the blessings you want the most - the good, righteous desires of your heart - are not granted. If the prayers you pray diligently are not answered. Are we faithful anyway? Are we open to miracles that happen in our every day lives - because they do - even if they aren't the miracles we thought we wanted? I believe that miracles happen every day. I believe that God is aware of and involved in the most intimate and minuscule details of our lives.

However sometimes when we ourselves are involved in the trenches of life, we don't see the miracles. Or maybe you do. But I don't. I have had a hard week. A really hard week. I go from being extremely unmotivated to extraordinarily stressed out to feeling like a terrible wife and mother because I spend so much time working. I don't want a career. I don't want to be a working mom. So many women have to and I respect that but it wasn't something I wanted for myself. I don't need it for myself. But this is the life that God is sending me to follow. He directs my life in every way and I am not as good as I want to be at appreciating it. He has give me so much - the theatre, TaVaci on the business/physical side, my family and love of the Gospel on the spiritual side, loving and supporting friends and family for my emotions. Life is Good.

So why do I feel like I suck? At everything?! I can't get the things done that need to be done. Either because of my own incapabilities (not a word) or because I have asked others to do it and they do not. Or then there is my motivation. Or my desire to spend more time with my ever-changing and growing 2-year old. Or to have a conversation with Daniel for more than 20 minutes before we are both asleep or headed to our various responsibilities. Life is Hard. I feel so overwhelmed and inadequate. I am praying SO hard that everything comes together with the theatre. I'm not sure how it is all going to come together but I do know that I can't put it off any longer to try to figure it out. I have to take a leap of faith.

A leap is not a step. No matter how much I wish it could be. I wish it were a step of faith with me knowing all I need to know before first. I wish that I could know now what I will know in one year. Unfortunately that is not how it works. I need to leap. THEN I get the rewards of my faith. Not faith and then leaping. Bah. I know this about life. This has never been any other way. God hasn't changed. He does things the same all the time and requires from His disciples faith and promises so much more. Miracles in abundance. Wonders. Blessings.

The moral of the story? I wish I knew. I guess it is that I am ok. I can leap. I need to leap.

And God will catch me.
God is Good.
:)

sometimes I rant because I feel I need to

and other times because I want to.

but usually only because I have something on my mind that won't go away and finally, even though I know it is controversial and may create backlash, get the feeling that I need to share my opinions.

But first - look at the variety of color in my mommy's flowers! I love them.

Ok. On to business.

I've been thinking a lot lately about modesty. To be honest, it is a topic often on my mind. In the world I live in, having a two-year old daughter, spending time in the theatre/dance world . . . I think about modesty often. What is modesty, why is it important, what choices do I need to make, how can I most effectively share what I believe about modesty when views are so varied?

I have shared this before, but for me, modesty is a spiritual choice. Let's go back a long way to my high school time. I dressed modestly because I was told & expected to do so. I remember crying to the costumers in a show I was in during high school because the dress they wanted me to wear was sleeveless and I knew my dad would take me out of the show if I tried to wear it. (not only that but I was afraid it would fall off because I was a stick) So the first time I stood up for modesty was when I, crying, went to the costumers and asked if there was some way to add sleeves or at least a strap to the top of the dress. Thankfully, they said yes.

From there, though, I never really thought about it again. I followed the guidelines that were expected of my by my family, but didn't think about being modest more than that. When I was in college I had a mind-changing experience which turned into a life-changing experience when a friend of mine encouraged me every day to dress modestly. A friend who I respected, trusted, admired and who I wanted so badly to impress. In careful ways, he told me when I dressed modestly that he appreciated it and when I had run across the street in my dance clothes, was able to tactfully ask me to change back into my normal clothes instead of lounging. It wasn't a sudden shift, it was a gradual and growing change and realization that if I respect myself, I can respect my body.

I am not ashamed of my body (a common misconception when women say they believe in dressing modestly). I am not worried about others seeing the parts of me that are not toned and still show signs of birthing a beautiful child. I'm proud of those parts (usually :P ). Dressing modestly ensures that others focus on ME, not on what I'm wearing. Dressing modestly gives me confidence in EVERY situation, not just the beach or lazing around the house. Dressing modestly helps me show respect to myself, to those I associate with, and to my God.

I believe that modesty is a personal choice, with standards set by a loving Heavenly Father. I can look at a person who is dressed modestly and tell you if they are fit or not without having to see their midriff, thighs or back. Modesty is an essential part of how others see you, but more importantly, it changes how you feel about yourself. It takes a teensy bit more effort and that, for me, increases confidence and energy and excitement.

So... what is the ending? the moral of the story? I'm not sure. Like I mentioned above, this is a post I felt I needed to write. It is something very in my face right now and I wish I could let others around me know how much they are loved so they don't feel pressured to dress a certain way. It's hilarious to me that many people say "don't pressure me to be modest" but then give in to the others who are pressuring them to dress other ways. Modest or not, depending on who you're talking to, giving into that pressure is to surrender part of yourself. No matter the reason.

YOU are enough the way YOU are.
Modest IS hottest.
Keep smiling, keep fighting, keep pushing on.
And remember, God is always here.

Parker + Lindsey

My baby brother got married last Tuesday. It was crazy but awesome, too. I especially liked being in the temple for the sealing. My sister was kind enough to watch Hannalyn and so both Daniel and I got to be there. I really enjoyed listening to the sealer, but I think my favorite part was watching my other brother. He seemed to be having a very spiritual experience.

I got to use my sister's fancy camera at the wedding reception that evening. By no means am I a great photographer, but I got a few good shots. And I decided that I want a camera. I bought an amazing camera... in 2008. It was fantastic for its time but now (just 8 years later, how does this happen?!) it is pretty out-dated. Maybe I'll splurge for Christmas this year. Or maybe sooner if I can convince Daniel that we need it for the theatre too. Ha.

Here are a few of my favorites (mostly with Hannalyn in them). I'll post of the bride/groom/wedding party ones when my sister is finished with them. I took the pics, but she did the work to make them look awesome. :)

Cold Stone catered. Of course. And they were great.

Hannalyn LOVED running around with one of Lindsey's cousins. They were adorable together. Though they helped each other to sneak away, which was not very nice. ;)

Congratulations you crazy kids. Lindsey, welcome to the family!

4th of July & TaVaci

These kids sang in the parade on the 4th of July and I felt so lucky to get to be with them. They sang loud and proud and were stinkin' adorable. I absolutely loved walking, watching, listening, and singing with them. We handed out 400 fliers about fall semester. I should have made 600 or so because the last two blocks didn't get any, but hey! It's a good start. I am so pleased and I think the kids had fun, too. :)

It's a good thing I love all the things I do so much. It makes all the difference in my busy-ness to love it. Next year Hannalyn gets to do it to (CRAZY!!!) and so that will make it even better.

closing night of CAMELOT

I suck at taking pictures with people who come to visit. Thankfully my Aunt thought to get some of us and us with our cousins who came to visit. We've had lots of support for this show and I feel bad for not getting more pictures, but oh well I guess. SHOUT OUT HERE TO EVERYONE WHO CAME TO CAMELOT. :) Esp Larissa, Taylor, Winona, Julianne, Jill, Anna, Lily, the Moores (who are pictured above minus Heather taking the picture), and my Dad! Not to mention all my friends who came and saw the show. A couple coming twice! I love you guys.

I felt so loved closing night. It has been a long time since I have been this sad for a show to end. My sister Megan is going through withdrawals a little bit. I honestly enjoyed sitting and watching the show every night. It made me slow down and think through life and the lessons being taught. I loved watching my actors grow every time they performed. I'm not sure how, because nothing appeared to change, but they got better every night. It was incredible and I was so grateful to them for their hard work and dedication to 'Camelot'.

Every year, the production staff is given a poster of the show which everyone signs. I've longed for one for years. This is my first! Hopefully not my last. Next to it is the beautifully gorgeous scroll which the cast made for me and then signed. They knighted me closing night, even though I'd told them that I wasn't going to go up on stage because the show needs to end with the cast, not the director sobbing onstage. Of course the one time all production they didn't listen to me was closing night. I absolutely love the scroll though. Isn't it beautiful?! 

To take us out, here are a few things that I learned from 'Camelot' are:

-- Go with your gut. In casting, in blocking, in technical decisions, in costumes. In life. Do what feels right because most often, that is what is right. Anytime I changed something due to outside pressure, I always changed it back because it wasn't right. Theatre is a powerful art form because it touches and changes people's lives, but only if done well and done right. Thankfully, I was blessed with courage to stick it out despite pressure and meanness from others and I definitely think it paid off. 

-- Keep your expectations high - and keep raising them! I posted a couple months ago about expectations and how important they are. My cast kept beating them down, but did I get satisfied and let them peak? NO. I kept pushing them. More and more. Watching the cast, you'd never guess that for probably 75% of them, this was their first or second show. I don't believe in peaking. I don't believe even in plateauing. I believe in continual progress and improvement. My cast is proof that you only peak if you're lazy or uncommitted. I had to continually raise my expectations, and I think that made both them and me better. 

-- In the end, everything is in the hands of God. After all the Arthur does during 'Camelot' - establishing the round table, might for right, a new order of chivalry and civil law - at the end, all he can do is "leave the decisions to God". Arthur did his best, and he did a lot of it. Because we are all surrounded by ordinary people, though, things happen that we often don't expect or want. When that happens, and it feels like life is too hard, give it to God. He will make it right in the end.

-- In all things, pray and express gratitude and continue to work. I had several people tell me that they made their participation in this show a matter of prayer. They decided to audition because God had told them to. Honestly, that's why I did the show and I am so grateful that I did. Last year, I was done I wanted to be finished with theater. I'd shared my talents for 15 years and felt good about being part of the supportive audience. Clearly, God has different plans for me. It was so comforting to know that He was sending others to support me who are so similar to me. It was a blessing to have others in my cast who were praying for me, the cast, and the ability to make the show the best it could be. In the beginning, I didn't tell my cast how grateful I was for them. I wanted to push them first and see how far they could go. Maybe I should have told them more, but I hope I told them at the end and that they understood. I also continued to remind them to work, to not be complacent, and to give their all. The cast, in turn, continued to pray, thank their fellow cast members, and work hard - and we accomplished a mighty thing. I am so proud of them and so thankful to be a part of it.

Well, if you made it this far, congratulations! ;) And here is the most important thing I learned - which sums up all the others - God is good and He is in control. If we put our trust, our shows, our lives in Him, He will make them better than we can imagine. He will protect, guide, and direct us so that we can bring goodness to the world. He is the reason that my cast had the people it did, that they were inspired to work as they did, that I had the courage to stick up for myself, and that when it is all over, "what we did will be remembered".

And that is the goodness of God.

TaVaci Clinic

This is our awesome group of kids in our afternoon session. I had such a blast working with these kids this week. They worked so hard and sang so well. They are definitely ready for the parade on Monday.

I love teaching. I love kids. I wish I'd gotten a pic of the morning class but I'll just have to get pics of everyone on Monday at the parade. Yay for TaVaci!