Because I am heavily involved with theatre, I follow many theatre pages on social media. And today I read something that made me sad. Eliminating names and places for anonymity, it went like this:
"We have set that is worth the admission ticket alone, and that is how it should be."
This broke my heart a little bit. I fail in a lot of things, but one thing I try really hard to do is make sure that I focus on people - and not just in the theatre. At home, I'm happier if I focus on Daniel & Hannalyn; at church, I'm happier if I focus on my kids in my class; at the theatre, I'm happier if I remember all the sacrifice is to create better people.
Let's try a deeper application for a second: Jesus didn't preach only in the nicest palaces or churches, he didn't only talk to those who wore the nicest costumes or in the nicest homes. He focused on the people, not what they wore, where they lived, or how they looked.
This statement takes away so much value from the people who are in the production. It says, "Come see how beautiful the set is." . . . and that's it! What about the people who are working so hard to make the production more than just a pretty picture?
Don't get me wrong, I love to see a beautiful set. I love the aspects of lighting design that really make a story come to life. I gasp and swoon for an amazing staircase and detailed costumes.
But if that's where it stops, I always leave feeling empty.
I've been to two shows on the Wasatch Front recently. One at the new Hale Center Theatre and one at a smaller theatre. Hale's theatre is absolutely gorgeous. You walk in the building and can't help but feel fancy and worth a million bucks because it's just amazing. You sit in the seats and see the set and it's just perfect. Detailed and gorgeous and full of timely pieces. I was blown away, sitting in my comfy chair, and so pumped for the production . . . and then it started. I feel awful saying this, because the tickets were a gift, but I almost don't want to go back. The production was lifeless. The characters were boring and undeveloped. Beautiful voices, yes. Amazing costumes, yes. And yet, in a story that is supposed to make you weep because of the beauty and heartbreak, I shrugged my shoulders. The performers didn't live up to the hype of the rest of the "production". Now, whether that is their fault or the fault of the director, I honestly don't know. But it was clear that the production wasn't focused on people but on blowing the minds visually of everyone sitting in the audience. And while I enjoyed it visually, I left not feeling any different.
And theatre is an incredible art form that should change you. It's fantastic going to a show and leaving a little better, a little happier, a little wiser than you were before. Instead of just "oh wow. nice paint and curtains." Am I the only one who thinks this?
Set should be used to heighten the experience of theatre - not be the experience.
I think one thing that will really come to fruition as we work to set Vernal Theatre: LIVE apart is that I always want our focus to be on people. The second show I saw, it was clear that there was plenty of money to throw at the production. And yet, while the actors did an outstanding job, there was a feeling of the audience being unnecessary. There were so many bells and whistles that it was clear we were not there to support - we were there to be shown shiny toys.
I never want the focus of the theatre to be on toys or tech or the latest & greatest instead of on my people. Of course, people need to hear the actors. Obviously they need to see the actors. And yes, set pieces are critical to help shape the black of the theatre into any space in time. But it should not overdo the actors and the people who come to see them. In every aspect of life, focusing on other people should be the driving dynamic.
I wonder what would happen in our schools, politics, businesses, homes, and on social media if we focused on people.
February 21, 2018
February 18, 2018
Looking Back to Move Forward
I've had a lot of anxiety the last couple of weeks. Debilitating anxiety complete with accompanying depression that makes me question, well, everything in my life.
Part of my depression came from social media. (why I have a flip phone without internet or data access - but that's not this story) Specifically this week, it came from all the posts that I made last year and 8 years ago about two shows I was in at the time. Usually I really enjoy looking back on all the ridiculous posts I made right after getting Facebook as a teenager in my first years of college. This week though, I found myself getting depressed as I read about all the amazing times I had. Why was this depressing? I guess because I miss a lot of things about being in college. I miss my friends, I miss being carefree and able to stay up as late as I wanted and eat what I wanted without consequences, and I miss all the activities I was able to participate in and the amazing people I associated with. I miss learning (truth) and having a regimented class schedule. I miss not having to worry so much about . . . everything. *sigh*
This weekend, though, as I've been thinking back on all the good times I had in college, I've had it brought to the fore-front of my mind that those years were critical to getting me to where I am today. In more ways than I ever realized, Heavenly Father was giving me opportunities to practice and develop skills that I use in my every day life. This is something to celebrate! And so important to remember as I get bogged down in the details of my life now. Two examples:
- My Snow College education: I always wanted to major in Music Dance Theatre. I was teased and belittled for it in high school - I couldn't make it a real career. And yet, it is the essence of the businesses I own and that are thriving: Vernal Theatre: LIVE, TaVaci School of Performing Arts, and even teaching private piano and voice lessons all are successful, in large part, to the training I had at Snow College. In two years at Snow, I learned so much more about music and acting and dance than I had in the 12 years of training I had before that. Not that the training I had in Vernal wasn't important - it was. I wouldn't have done well at Snow without it, but two years on the college level did WONDERS for me. I learned to love Ballet again and found a passion for Ballroom that I suspected was inside of me but never got to explore. I got to sing incredible music with incredible people in incredible places - going to San Diego, St. George, and singing at Abravenel Hall twice to name a couple of opportunities. Wow! And theatre. THEATRE. I use the things I learned in my directing classes, stage management classes, lighting design classes, and acting classes every. single. day. at the theatre. It's amazing to see how much of this education that so many thought would be wasted has impacted my life.
- Working at BYU Concessions: As I was kneeling on the floor by the concessions stand after the show on Saturday night, I thought about the things that I subconsciously took from my time working at BYU Concessions. There were a lot of things I did NOT enjoy about that job. Specifically: football games and Women's Conference. Ugh. But I took away a lot of good things - how to create and balance an inventory sheet for one. I can't tell you how much relief it gives me to know that we are making money at concessions and that I can say that with full confidence because I learned an effective inventory system at BYU and use it now at the theatre. It's simple, but works incredibly well for what I am doing and keeps my employees honest and me happy. Best of all worlds. ;)
So really, looking back isn't something to avoid. Dwelling on the past can make a person miserable, but if we use it to acknowledge the times that God has led us in specific ways, then it can enhance our happiness. I think that is an amazing thing.
Have a great week, everyone. <3
Part of my depression came from social media. (why I have a flip phone without internet or data access - but that's not this story) Specifically this week, it came from all the posts that I made last year and 8 years ago about two shows I was in at the time. Usually I really enjoy looking back on all the ridiculous posts I made right after getting Facebook as a teenager in my first years of college. This week though, I found myself getting depressed as I read about all the amazing times I had. Why was this depressing? I guess because I miss a lot of things about being in college. I miss my friends, I miss being carefree and able to stay up as late as I wanted and eat what I wanted without consequences, and I miss all the activities I was able to participate in and the amazing people I associated with. I miss learning (truth) and having a regimented class schedule. I miss not having to worry so much about . . . everything. *sigh*
This weekend, though, as I've been thinking back on all the good times I had in college, I've had it brought to the fore-front of my mind that those years were critical to getting me to where I am today. In more ways than I ever realized, Heavenly Father was giving me opportunities to practice and develop skills that I use in my every day life. This is something to celebrate! And so important to remember as I get bogged down in the details of my life now. Two examples:
- My Snow College education: I always wanted to major in Music Dance Theatre. I was teased and belittled for it in high school - I couldn't make it a real career. And yet, it is the essence of the businesses I own and that are thriving: Vernal Theatre: LIVE, TaVaci School of Performing Arts, and even teaching private piano and voice lessons all are successful, in large part, to the training I had at Snow College. In two years at Snow, I learned so much more about music and acting and dance than I had in the 12 years of training I had before that. Not that the training I had in Vernal wasn't important - it was. I wouldn't have done well at Snow without it, but two years on the college level did WONDERS for me. I learned to love Ballet again and found a passion for Ballroom that I suspected was inside of me but never got to explore. I got to sing incredible music with incredible people in incredible places - going to San Diego, St. George, and singing at Abravenel Hall twice to name a couple of opportunities. Wow! And theatre. THEATRE. I use the things I learned in my directing classes, stage management classes, lighting design classes, and acting classes every. single. day. at the theatre. It's amazing to see how much of this education that so many thought would be wasted has impacted my life.
- Working at BYU Concessions: As I was kneeling on the floor by the concessions stand after the show on Saturday night, I thought about the things that I subconsciously took from my time working at BYU Concessions. There were a lot of things I did NOT enjoy about that job. Specifically: football games and Women's Conference. Ugh. But I took away a lot of good things - how to create and balance an inventory sheet for one. I can't tell you how much relief it gives me to know that we are making money at concessions and that I can say that with full confidence because I learned an effective inventory system at BYU and use it now at the theatre. It's simple, but works incredibly well for what I am doing and keeps my employees honest and me happy. Best of all worlds. ;)
So really, looking back isn't something to avoid. Dwelling on the past can make a person miserable, but if we use it to acknowledge the times that God has led us in specific ways, then it can enhance our happiness. I think that is an amazing thing.
Have a great week, everyone. <3
February 14, 2018
Valentine's Survey
In honor of Valentine's Day. Just for fun.
Who's older: Daniel
Who was interested first? Daniel
Married? 6 years and one-half years!
More sarcastic? Me.
Who makes the most mess? Daniel, esp when cooking
Better singer? Also Daniel.
Hogs the remote? Still Daniel . . . after he gets it away from me. ;)
Better driver? I'll claim this one. I learned to drive in Utah snow, so . . .
Spends the most money? I usually pay the monthly stuff?
Smarter? I think we both know stuff the other doesn't, so even steven here.
Most common sense? We both read Uncommon Common Sense which means we are both sense-ful
What are your middle names? Edward and _____________
Whose siblings do you see the most? Nashelle's - which is really great, but we miss the Jackson family often
Did you go to the same school? He grew up in Texas, me in Utah - so no. But we met at BYU - so yes.
Who is the most sensitive? I'll call it a tie. ;)
Where do you eat out most as a couple? Swain's or Wendy's
Where is the furthest you two have traveled: Is Disneyland or Texas farther?
Who has the craziest ex's? Umm.... IDK. Probably me.
Who has the worst temper? Depends on what we're mad about.
Who does the most cooking? Me. Who does the best cooking? Daniel.
Who is more social? Daniel. Every day. Every time.
Who is the neat freak? Absolutely me.
Who is the most stubborn? Probably also me.
Who hogs the bed? We're not social-sleepers, so we keep to our sides mostly.
Who gets up earlier? Recently, Daniel gets up earlier MWF, and I'm up earlier the rest of the days.
Where was your first date? A walk to Macey's in Provo for ice cream cones and then his friend's apartment's clubhouse for games.
Who has the bigger family? Daniel.
Do you get flowers often? No but thats ok, then its even better when it does happen.
Who does the laundry? I make him do his own and I do the rest of it.
Who's better with the computers? I think both of us are?
Who drives when you are together? Usually me.
Who picks where you go to dinner? I make him give me two or three options . . . and then make him choose. ;)
Who eats more sweets? ME.
Happy Valentine's Day! Spread some love today. <3
February 13, 2018
Things of Eternity
I like blogging because it is more private than Facebook or Instagram and I can write more in-depth. Obviously it is still the internet with all the perks and side-effects that brings, BUT I can be more personal on the blog than I feel like I can/should be on Facebook. Plus I type faster than I write so blogging is more convenient sometimes than writing in my journal. Not often, just sometimes.
All that said, to the three people who read this little record of mine, it will come as no surprise that the last couple of weeks have been pretty rough. And yet, through it all, I keep coming up against small things that I can't help but smile at - even when the grumpy part of me wants to stay moping.
I've decided that these things constitute "Things of Eternity".
Heavenly Father doesn't want us to be unhappy on earth. In fact, His purpose is to help us achieve the ultimate happiness that we could ever experience. So it makes sense that He would give us things in our lives that help us to find happiness. These little things are the good moments that come - sometimes fleetingly - but that stand out as pinpoints of light in what otherwise may be a dark day. For me, I've come to especially notice these happy times when
- I'm with Hannalyn. Her love of everything (including and especially her imperfect mom), her curiosity and joy, her endless hugs and the way she kisses every part of my face - just like I did to her when she was a baby. I can't not be happy when I'm really with her. Children are part of Eternity.
- I'm teaching. Well, selflessly teaching anyway. ;) When I am focused on the students I am responsible for teaching - whether piano or in Sunday School - I am brought to a heightened awareness of the love of God for each one of them. It's an incredible feeling - knowing that there is an all-powerful being who loves these little children so very much, and that He feels the same way about me. Service is part of Eternity.
When little things randomly happen - a kind text from a friend, a problem that I successfully solve, Hannlyn pretending to be a chicken every time we go out to the car - these little things are sent so specifically to me, for me that it reminds me to look for more ways that Heavenly Father is sending me light. What a huge blessing! Heavenly Father's love is Eternal.
I need to look for these things more often, using them to lift and empower myself. Maybe even those around me. I am far from perfect, a fact which chafes at me all too often, and I'm not sure that even with constantly working on self-improvement I'll get much better at pleasing people. I guess, so long as I please God, the rest of it doesn't matter so much. It's hard to not care about the temporal, but as is evidenced by even tiny little glimpses of eternity - I am so much happier and so much better when I look for things of Eternity in my life.
And happiness is something I can definitely look forward to.
All that said, to the three people who read this little record of mine, it will come as no surprise that the last couple of weeks have been pretty rough. And yet, through it all, I keep coming up against small things that I can't help but smile at - even when the grumpy part of me wants to stay moping.
I've decided that these things constitute "Things of Eternity".
Heavenly Father doesn't want us to be unhappy on earth. In fact, His purpose is to help us achieve the ultimate happiness that we could ever experience. So it makes sense that He would give us things in our lives that help us to find happiness. These little things are the good moments that come - sometimes fleetingly - but that stand out as pinpoints of light in what otherwise may be a dark day. For me, I've come to especially notice these happy times when
- I'm with Hannalyn. Her love of everything (including and especially her imperfect mom), her curiosity and joy, her endless hugs and the way she kisses every part of my face - just like I did to her when she was a baby. I can't not be happy when I'm really with her. Children are part of Eternity.
- I'm teaching. Well, selflessly teaching anyway. ;) When I am focused on the students I am responsible for teaching - whether piano or in Sunday School - I am brought to a heightened awareness of the love of God for each one of them. It's an incredible feeling - knowing that there is an all-powerful being who loves these little children so very much, and that He feels the same way about me. Service is part of Eternity.
When little things randomly happen - a kind text from a friend, a problem that I successfully solve, Hannlyn pretending to be a chicken every time we go out to the car - these little things are sent so specifically to me, for me that it reminds me to look for more ways that Heavenly Father is sending me light. What a huge blessing! Heavenly Father's love is Eternal.
I need to look for these things more often, using them to lift and empower myself. Maybe even those around me. I am far from perfect, a fact which chafes at me all too often, and I'm not sure that even with constantly working on self-improvement I'll get much better at pleasing people. I guess, so long as I please God, the rest of it doesn't matter so much. It's hard to not care about the temporal, but as is evidenced by even tiny little glimpses of eternity - I am so much happier and so much better when I look for things of Eternity in my life.
And happiness is something I can definitely look forward to.
February 9, 2018
the slump
It's no wonder that right before and / or right after happy experiences there is a period of hardship and trial. As our memories fade and we forget the sweet, calming, happy feelings it is so easy for the enemy of our souls to jump in and make the goodness seem fleeting and weak. Even imaginary.
Today's post doesn't have a "but there's happiness at the end" sort of theme. Today is a recognition of the fact that some days, weeks, months even, are just plain hard.
I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. My last two posts are pretty good evidence of that. I've been questioning and wondering and feeling like a hypocrite for telling others to be strong and have faith when that is definitely not me. I've been trying to figure out where I stand in my relationship with God. While there is part of me that says I need to hurry up and figure it out because it's the end of days, there is another part of me that feels that I really need to get this right. I need to take the time and energy to figure this out and be firm in what I decide I want.
It's scary being unsure about how you stand in the eyes of your Heavenly Father. He created me and it would not take more than the bat of an eye to destroy me. It's also reassuring knowing that He loves me eternally and despite my many mistakes, He will give me the time I need to figure this out. (just not too much time - no procrastinating)
I feel like this soul-upheaval has had lots of impact on my life - both positive and negative. Positively, when I feel the Spirit I know I'm feeling it. I can confirm without any shadow of doubt that those decisions I make under the influence of the Spirit are absolutely correct. And those confirmations stay with me stronger, longer, and more effectively touch other parts of my life as I look for similar feelings. Also positively, as I search to learn more about my Heavenly Father, I am learning more about myself.
For example, I took the most amazing personality test. Seriously one of the best I've taken. I like taking personality tests. I like the self-analysis and "what would you do" or "how do you feel about" questions. This particular test was better than most. It was very thorough and gave a really detailed description of "my type". I'm an Advocate - the link to the profile is here if you're interested in learning something about me (cuz it is scary accurate - like 97%) or taking your own test: https://www.16personalities.com/profiles/018f1578436c7
Seriously awesome stuff. I've been reading bits and pieces every day because even though I read it all once, I'm loving finding applicable connections to my real-world life right now. It's incredible. So. There is that which is happy in my life.
The negative aspect of soul-searching however is that I am not always 100% . . . in anything. This makes me snappy, depressive, stressed out, and unthoughtful. Mistakes are made and I fluctuate between not caring and caring too much. This morning, for example, I had everything planned out and it was going to be an awesome morning. One mistake led to another and . . . it's 11:00am and I'm not dressed, feeling like I want to puke from stress and depression, and can't get the motivation up to do anything but stare at my computer screen. Hannalyn, on the other hand, has cleaned up the few things I've asked her to (including diligently searching out every Candy Land card) and is ready to leave the house for the morning.
So I'll leave the house, and while I'm driving I'll have a conversation with God that will probably go something like this:
"Please help me be happy and strong today."
Smiling will help.
"I don't have anything to smile about."
So look in the review mirror.
"I can't base my happiness on a smile child."
You can until you're strong enough.
So. Today is not starting great. I hope it will improve, but I'll have to get back to you on that. Meanwhile, I'm going to spend some time focusing on my kid. Because she is the embodiment of light and happiness.
Today's post doesn't have a "but there's happiness at the end" sort of theme. Today is a recognition of the fact that some days, weeks, months even, are just plain hard.
I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. My last two posts are pretty good evidence of that. I've been questioning and wondering and feeling like a hypocrite for telling others to be strong and have faith when that is definitely not me. I've been trying to figure out where I stand in my relationship with God. While there is part of me that says I need to hurry up and figure it out because it's the end of days, there is another part of me that feels that I really need to get this right. I need to take the time and energy to figure this out and be firm in what I decide I want.
It's scary being unsure about how you stand in the eyes of your Heavenly Father. He created me and it would not take more than the bat of an eye to destroy me. It's also reassuring knowing that He loves me eternally and despite my many mistakes, He will give me the time I need to figure this out. (just not too much time - no procrastinating)
I feel like this soul-upheaval has had lots of impact on my life - both positive and negative. Positively, when I feel the Spirit I know I'm feeling it. I can confirm without any shadow of doubt that those decisions I make under the influence of the Spirit are absolutely correct. And those confirmations stay with me stronger, longer, and more effectively touch other parts of my life as I look for similar feelings. Also positively, as I search to learn more about my Heavenly Father, I am learning more about myself.
For example, I took the most amazing personality test. Seriously one of the best I've taken. I like taking personality tests. I like the self-analysis and "what would you do" or "how do you feel about" questions. This particular test was better than most. It was very thorough and gave a really detailed description of "my type". I'm an Advocate - the link to the profile is here if you're interested in learning something about me (cuz it is scary accurate - like 97%) or taking your own test: https://www.16personalities.com/profiles/018f1578436c7
Seriously awesome stuff. I've been reading bits and pieces every day because even though I read it all once, I'm loving finding applicable connections to my real-world life right now. It's incredible. So. There is that which is happy in my life.
The negative aspect of soul-searching however is that I am not always 100% . . . in anything. This makes me snappy, depressive, stressed out, and unthoughtful. Mistakes are made and I fluctuate between not caring and caring too much. This morning, for example, I had everything planned out and it was going to be an awesome morning. One mistake led to another and . . . it's 11:00am and I'm not dressed, feeling like I want to puke from stress and depression, and can't get the motivation up to do anything but stare at my computer screen. Hannalyn, on the other hand, has cleaned up the few things I've asked her to (including diligently searching out every Candy Land card) and is ready to leave the house for the morning.
So I'll leave the house, and while I'm driving I'll have a conversation with God that will probably go something like this:
"Please help me be happy and strong today."
Smiling will help.
"I don't have anything to smile about."
So look in the review mirror.
"I can't base my happiness on a smile child."
You can until you're strong enough.
So. Today is not starting great. I hope it will improve, but I'll have to get back to you on that. Meanwhile, I'm going to spend some time focusing on my kid. Because she is the embodiment of light and happiness.
February 5, 2018
What's the Point?
I ask myself this question a lot.
Though not always in a negative way.
Sometimes asking "what's the point" is crucial to understanding and development. Last Friday I had the opportunity to go on a drive all by myself. I don't mean a drive to the grocery store, I mean a long drive all the way out to Salt Lake. 2.5 hours one way - all by myself. It was a little bit scary since I haven't been all by myself for that amount of time since long before Hannalyn was born. It was also really really nice. If I had to choose going by myself and going with my family, I'd choose family every time. But if I need to go again and can't take my family - I know I'll be ok. (I'm getting to the point I promise. no pun intended.)
I have always loved long drives - going back and forth from college to my parent's house was always my favorite drive. Long and through the most amazing scenery, I had so much time to reflect on what I was learning and what I wanted to be learning. This drive on Friday was no different. After the first thirty minutes of relishing in listening to the music I wanted to and not having to share my snacks, I started talking to myself (as per my usual). And after I got the inital "Hello, self, it's been a while since we've talked" out of the way, I started asking myself some questions.
What is the point of teaching? (yes this is still on my mind)
What is the point of running the theatre?
What is the point of wanting more kids?
What is the point of marriage?
What is the point of trying to stay positive?
What is the point of . . . anything?
This is not the first time I've asked myself these questions. I think it is important to evaluate where we are at with all aspects of our lives. Once, I had the unfortunate experience of having to ask myself
What is the point of this relationship?
And you know what - there wasn't one. I had allowed myself to get pulled into an extremely toxic relationship that started out great, and turned into something dangerous. I had a moment of clarity one day while sitting with this person where I saw picture-clear that I had two paths I could follow. One staying with that person and one without. It was heart-breaking for both of us at the time, but the decision that I made led me to so many other good decisions.
What is the point of staying in bed? I have to ask myself this question more often than I'd like to admit. Because of it, I'm often up early and able to complete mountains of work before my family is awake so I can focus more time on them. It's a great question that helps keep me accountable for what I need to do. Now, to be honest, I frequently stay in bed because the point is to not be grumpy one hour later when the day starts for my 4-year old. ;) But there is a balance. Sort of.
So on my drive last week (getting back to the point), I asked myself some tough questions. I've been struggling for a while with self-worth. I'm one of those who is either feeling really great or really crappy. I don't sit where I feel "ok" about myself. I'm either great or miserable with myself. And I've been stuck at miserable for much longer than I care to admit. I have some amazing breakthroughs of "Yes! This is awesome! I am awesome!" but then sink back to the bottom of the pit with disturbing rapidity. I started asking myself questions because I had the time to actually think through what I wanted my answer to be. I could riddle out the meaning - the point - of some parts of my life that I was questioning. And I found something very interesting.
I had one answer to all of my questions. The point of anything and everything is my life is to BE HAPPY.
Too simple? Ok. Let's break it down.
Teaching. I love teaching. I learned this for the first time when I was asked to step in as a choreographer at the Junior High as a high school student. The process of creating something and then teaching it to someone lit a fire in me that I have carried with me ever since. I want other people to have the same amazing opportunities in the Arts that I have had and I want to teach them what that means. I love children. I love working with them and seeing their eyes light up. I love their goodness and their courage and their love of learning and of people. Teaching makes me happy.
Theatre. The theatre has been part of my life since I was 10 years old. There is nothing about it that I don't enjoy. Being onstage, being backstage, being in the audience - it makes me happy.
Wanting more kids. Hannalyn is my world. It is so hard to want more kids. It is so hard to be happy for other people who don't want more kids when- surprise! -they get pregnant. But Hannalyn teaches me so much about happiness and about hope, forgiveness, and love. She inspires me to be better every single day so that I continue to be worthy of her goodness and presence in my life. Hannalyn makes me happy.
Marriage.As I reflect on the last 6 and a half years that I've been married, the times I'm most happy are when I'm with Daniel. Daniel, and the promise of eternity with him, makes me happy.
Trying to stay positive.I gave a talk once on being happy. Probably the best talk I've ever given. Part of it included some research that I'd done (and tested on myself ;) ) about how pretending to be happy will actually make you happier. Now, this doesn't always work. I tried this in that toxic relationship I mentioned and it made things worse. However, in the day-to-day insanity of life, I have found that if I need some extra positivity, I need to find a fun way to keep smiling until I feel ridiculous and actually smile at my ridiculousness. How's that for absurd? But - being positive makes me happy.
What is the point of . . . anything? I am a religious person. Well, I attend church every week and believe that there is a loving Heavenly Father who loves me and watches out for me. So. There is a scripture that has been ingrained into me since I was in high school. It's a really simple one:
"Men are that they might have joy."
That says to me that the point of everything is to be happy. Everything that I have ever done has been to further my happiness. Which sounds selfish, but let's look at the examples above: when I try to stay positive - I am happier. Going to school to get a degree in Theatre and a degree in Education - made me happier. Especially cuz I use both of my degrees in real life every day. Boo-yah! Getting married and having Hannalyn - made me EXPONENTIALLY happier.
I hope I don't have to include that doing everything you can to further your own happiness does not include doing things that are illegal or immoral. Those lead to serious consequences that make it very hard to bring joy and happiness. So. Just in case. ;)
The point of life is to be happy. And while I worry too much about little things, and even though I struggle hard core with seeing my worth, and despite all the mistakes I make and the apologizing that I have to do every.single.day. - I know that ultimately, I am meant to have joy in this life. And I just have to keep doing the best I can to attain that in the best way possible.
I hope you will, too. <3
Though not always in a negative way.
Sometimes asking "what's the point" is crucial to understanding and development. Last Friday I had the opportunity to go on a drive all by myself. I don't mean a drive to the grocery store, I mean a long drive all the way out to Salt Lake. 2.5 hours one way - all by myself. It was a little bit scary since I haven't been all by myself for that amount of time since long before Hannalyn was born. It was also really really nice. If I had to choose going by myself and going with my family, I'd choose family every time. But if I need to go again and can't take my family - I know I'll be ok. (I'm getting to the point I promise. no pun intended.)
I have always loved long drives - going back and forth from college to my parent's house was always my favorite drive. Long and through the most amazing scenery, I had so much time to reflect on what I was learning and what I wanted to be learning. This drive on Friday was no different. After the first thirty minutes of relishing in listening to the music I wanted to and not having to share my snacks, I started talking to myself (as per my usual). And after I got the inital "Hello, self, it's been a while since we've talked" out of the way, I started asking myself some questions.
What is the point of teaching? (yes this is still on my mind)
What is the point of running the theatre?
What is the point of wanting more kids?
What is the point of marriage?
What is the point of trying to stay positive?
What is the point of . . . anything?
This is not the first time I've asked myself these questions. I think it is important to evaluate where we are at with all aspects of our lives. Once, I had the unfortunate experience of having to ask myself
What is the point of this relationship?
And you know what - there wasn't one. I had allowed myself to get pulled into an extremely toxic relationship that started out great, and turned into something dangerous. I had a moment of clarity one day while sitting with this person where I saw picture-clear that I had two paths I could follow. One staying with that person and one without. It was heart-breaking for both of us at the time, but the decision that I made led me to so many other good decisions.
What is the point of staying in bed? I have to ask myself this question more often than I'd like to admit. Because of it, I'm often up early and able to complete mountains of work before my family is awake so I can focus more time on them. It's a great question that helps keep me accountable for what I need to do. Now, to be honest, I frequently stay in bed because the point is to not be grumpy one hour later when the day starts for my 4-year old. ;) But there is a balance. Sort of.
So on my drive last week (getting back to the point), I asked myself some tough questions. I've been struggling for a while with self-worth. I'm one of those who is either feeling really great or really crappy. I don't sit where I feel "ok" about myself. I'm either great or miserable with myself. And I've been stuck at miserable for much longer than I care to admit. I have some amazing breakthroughs of "Yes! This is awesome! I am awesome!" but then sink back to the bottom of the pit with disturbing rapidity. I started asking myself questions because I had the time to actually think through what I wanted my answer to be. I could riddle out the meaning - the point - of some parts of my life that I was questioning. And I found something very interesting.
I had one answer to all of my questions. The point of anything and everything is my life is to BE HAPPY.
Too simple? Ok. Let's break it down.
Teaching. I love teaching. I learned this for the first time when I was asked to step in as a choreographer at the Junior High as a high school student. The process of creating something and then teaching it to someone lit a fire in me that I have carried with me ever since. I want other people to have the same amazing opportunities in the Arts that I have had and I want to teach them what that means. I love children. I love working with them and seeing their eyes light up. I love their goodness and their courage and their love of learning and of people. Teaching makes me happy.
Theatre. The theatre has been part of my life since I was 10 years old. There is nothing about it that I don't enjoy. Being onstage, being backstage, being in the audience - it makes me happy.
Wanting more kids. Hannalyn is my world. It is so hard to want more kids. It is so hard to be happy for other people who don't want more kids when- surprise! -they get pregnant. But Hannalyn teaches me so much about happiness and about hope, forgiveness, and love. She inspires me to be better every single day so that I continue to be worthy of her goodness and presence in my life. Hannalyn makes me happy.
Marriage.As I reflect on the last 6 and a half years that I've been married, the times I'm most happy are when I'm with Daniel. Daniel, and the promise of eternity with him, makes me happy.
Trying to stay positive.I gave a talk once on being happy. Probably the best talk I've ever given. Part of it included some research that I'd done (and tested on myself ;) ) about how pretending to be happy will actually make you happier. Now, this doesn't always work. I tried this in that toxic relationship I mentioned and it made things worse. However, in the day-to-day insanity of life, I have found that if I need some extra positivity, I need to find a fun way to keep smiling until I feel ridiculous and actually smile at my ridiculousness. How's that for absurd? But - being positive makes me happy.
What is the point of . . . anything? I am a religious person. Well, I attend church every week and believe that there is a loving Heavenly Father who loves me and watches out for me. So. There is a scripture that has been ingrained into me since I was in high school. It's a really simple one:
"Men are that they might have joy."
That says to me that the point of everything is to be happy. Everything that I have ever done has been to further my happiness. Which sounds selfish, but let's look at the examples above: when I try to stay positive - I am happier. Going to school to get a degree in Theatre and a degree in Education - made me happier. Especially cuz I use both of my degrees in real life every day. Boo-yah! Getting married and having Hannalyn - made me EXPONENTIALLY happier.
I hope I don't have to include that doing everything you can to further your own happiness does not include doing things that are illegal or immoral. Those lead to serious consequences that make it very hard to bring joy and happiness. So. Just in case. ;)
The point of life is to be happy. And while I worry too much about little things, and even though I struggle hard core with seeing my worth, and despite all the mistakes I make and the apologizing that I have to do every.single.day. - I know that ultimately, I am meant to have joy in this life. And I just have to keep doing the best I can to attain that in the best way possible.
I hope you will, too. <3
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