On Sunday, during the "personal share moment", one of the sisters shared that she feels she is failing at ministering. She has tried everything and her sister she is trying to reach is still struggling. She obviously didn't give details, but it was clear that she was very upset. She then quoted the scripture from Jacob 5 and the allegory of the olive tree where it says "what more could I have done for my vineyard" and said that she feels that came to her because she needs to do more for this person - but she's doing all she can - but clearly not if there is still more to do. And tears.
My life right now is this constant battle - I did all I could, but it clearly wasn't enough so why didn't I do more? because I didn't know, but I should have. and around and around and around it goes.
This morning I had two thoughts come to me.
The first is in relation to Jacob 5. I think we forget that the Lord is comparing His vineyard to the church. While trees do not have individual thoughts and feelings (depending on who you speak to), the members of the Lord's church DO - and we have agency to make our own choices. So even though the Lord has done everything He can possibly do - including the impossible act of dying and living again - we still have the agency and the opportunity to reject that offering if we choose. It doesn't matter if we do all we can and there is nothing else we could do if the other person then chooses to reject our offering. It's not our fault, is what I'm trying to say. We have to serve, yes. We need to minister and reach out in love and care, yes. We cannot control how that effects the other person's life. Unfortunately. ;) But it's something we have to then give to the Lord. Maybe He'll say "good work my true and faithful servant" and maybe He'll encourage us to look for a different, better, holier way. The point is that HE knows and He will let us know which path we need to follow.
The second thought that I had is how important it is for us to not just quote scripture phrases. It is actually infinitely more important for us to know the scripture as we've been asked. Here are my thoughts (just mine) as to why this is: We know from reading the scriptures that everything that is good comes of God and everything that is evil comes of the devil. We also know, when we know the scriptures, that both good things and bad things can be used to serve an opposite purpose. For example, technology is a huge blessing from Heavenly Father and it can be twisted and warped to contain many evil things. When the devil was trying to entice Adam & Eve in the garden, he talked about teaching the philosophies of men mingled with scripture. He knows what the scriptures say and he knows that he can use those words to push us to guilt and shame rather than reflection and growth. When we pull out just phrases of scripture ("what more could I do?") without understanding and knowing the full story, we run the risk of allowing ourselves to be made to feel depression or shame when that is not what God wants us to feel when we read the scriptures at all.
Obviously there are phrases that are phenomenal and so quotable "Oh be wise, what can I say more?" "Fear thou not, for I am with thee" "As for me and my house we will serve the Lord"
I guess my wonder is if we have focused on finding phrases that are fun and will look cute and are quotable rather than really getting to know the scriptures. It's definitely something that I need to work on. I think the strength that will come as we can quote scripture is great - we need to have them in our minds and hearts often. I think the power that will come as we know the scriptures is even greater - not just can we do the "cute quotes" as they are sometimes called but we can call down the power of Heaven to aid us in every situation in our lives.
Maybe I'm totally off-track. I'm not sure yet how I'm supposed to apply these thoughts to my life. But I'm sure that Heavenly Father will guide me through it. ;)
Happy Tuesday!
September 25, 2018
September 11, 2018
messing up
It's only Tuesday and I seem to be leading the race in mistakes this week.
Sunday I built up a big fight in my head that never happened in real life and while I'm grateful, it's sitting inside of me causing grief. I thought I'd have to go to bat for something that was never addressed and now it feels like it is spilling over.
Monday I knew that something had to be said about things happening at the theatre. I prayed over the weekend to know how/what/when to say it - and still the wrong people took it too hard and the right people probably didn't. So now I'm apologizing not for what I said but because others were offended?
Tuesday I'm feeling all sorts of angsty about these things and get some pretty mean messages on Facebook about the ticketing system. So I do what I do and make a phone call because that's better than giving into the Facebook torture. And then "Oh no, that's not what I meant at all" and "Thanks for being so nice" (when I was in word but not in tone. ugh) and "I'm sure you're just busy".
Can I get a do over?
The point of life is that I can't. We get one opportunity. Sometimes just one and if we miss it we never get it back. Lives often hinge on these opportunities that come fleeting and fast and if we aren't prepared we can miss out entirely. So let's re-address these things.
Sunday - I need to know where I stand on certain issues so that when the time comes I am ready to defend my beliefs. Maybe the conflict wasn't then, but now I will be ready whenever it comes. That's something I can be grateful for.
Monday - When Jesus cleansed the temple, He then sat and taught. Obviously I am not Jesus. But how can I apply this? He didn't go in to the temple and say "Alright, those of you doing this and this - you are good to go while I take care of the rest of this rabble." I'm fairly sure there were some innocents in there who were completely confused by what was happening since their intentions were pure. And probably some of those people were hurt and offended. But doesn't that put their response back on them? Their choice, then, is to choose offense or to choose to learn. Also, when Jacob spoke to the Nephites, he mourned that he had to speak plainly in the presence of women & children who had done no wrong. He also said he had to speak plainly - not in nice words that made everyone feel good. But straight and to the point. I am neither of these people and I am still very much a novice at speaking (I hate talking in front of people for the very reason that I always seem to screw it up). So what do I learn? I have to follow the Spirit and do what I know is right - trusting that I will be given inspiration to speak better in the future.
Tuesday - I should have taken a deeper breath before the phone call. However, dealings with this particular patron have taught me that it is best to be direct. I don't need to feel guilty for telling her to not be mean on Facebook. I do need to make sure that that phrase is said in love, not frustration. I can learn from this.
The hardest part of my day is when I'm alone with my thoughts - I don't have Hannalyn to distract me and keep me focused on the light. These mistakes come to haunt me and drag me down. I sit miserably on my bed instead of accomplishing tasks that I know will make me feel better. I turn off the lights and let my body relax, but it's not relaxing because I am filled with insecurity and depression rather than hope and excitement. So where do I go from here?
All I can do is try to do, speak, and think better today that I did yesterday. Today is not over yet. I have time to set my thoughts in order and pray that translates into when I say and do. I can pray for guidance and for peace that what I've thought, said and done has a purpose. I can reach out to individuals who are in need of help and focus on them more than on me. I can respond instead of react. I can get out of bed and try again.
I can.
Sunday I built up a big fight in my head that never happened in real life and while I'm grateful, it's sitting inside of me causing grief. I thought I'd have to go to bat for something that was never addressed and now it feels like it is spilling over.
Monday I knew that something had to be said about things happening at the theatre. I prayed over the weekend to know how/what/when to say it - and still the wrong people took it too hard and the right people probably didn't. So now I'm apologizing not for what I said but because others were offended?
Tuesday I'm feeling all sorts of angsty about these things and get some pretty mean messages on Facebook about the ticketing system. So I do what I do and make a phone call because that's better than giving into the Facebook torture. And then "Oh no, that's not what I meant at all" and "Thanks for being so nice" (when I was in word but not in tone. ugh) and "I'm sure you're just busy".
Can I get a do over?
The point of life is that I can't. We get one opportunity. Sometimes just one and if we miss it we never get it back. Lives often hinge on these opportunities that come fleeting and fast and if we aren't prepared we can miss out entirely. So let's re-address these things.
Sunday - I need to know where I stand on certain issues so that when the time comes I am ready to defend my beliefs. Maybe the conflict wasn't then, but now I will be ready whenever it comes. That's something I can be grateful for.
Monday - When Jesus cleansed the temple, He then sat and taught. Obviously I am not Jesus. But how can I apply this? He didn't go in to the temple and say "Alright, those of you doing this and this - you are good to go while I take care of the rest of this rabble." I'm fairly sure there were some innocents in there who were completely confused by what was happening since their intentions were pure. And probably some of those people were hurt and offended. But doesn't that put their response back on them? Their choice, then, is to choose offense or to choose to learn. Also, when Jacob spoke to the Nephites, he mourned that he had to speak plainly in the presence of women & children who had done no wrong. He also said he had to speak plainly - not in nice words that made everyone feel good. But straight and to the point. I am neither of these people and I am still very much a novice at speaking (I hate talking in front of people for the very reason that I always seem to screw it up). So what do I learn? I have to follow the Spirit and do what I know is right - trusting that I will be given inspiration to speak better in the future.
Tuesday - I should have taken a deeper breath before the phone call. However, dealings with this particular patron have taught me that it is best to be direct. I don't need to feel guilty for telling her to not be mean on Facebook. I do need to make sure that that phrase is said in love, not frustration. I can learn from this.
The hardest part of my day is when I'm alone with my thoughts - I don't have Hannalyn to distract me and keep me focused on the light. These mistakes come to haunt me and drag me down. I sit miserably on my bed instead of accomplishing tasks that I know will make me feel better. I turn off the lights and let my body relax, but it's not relaxing because I am filled with insecurity and depression rather than hope and excitement. So where do I go from here?
All I can do is try to do, speak, and think better today that I did yesterday. Today is not over yet. I have time to set my thoughts in order and pray that translates into when I say and do. I can pray for guidance and for peace that what I've thought, said and done has a purpose. I can reach out to individuals who are in need of help and focus on them more than on me. I can respond instead of react. I can get out of bed and try again.
I can.
birthday note
dear Larissa,
It was your birthday 9 days ago. I'm sorry this is late.
You'll probably never read this and I'll need to figure out another way to say it, but here goes anyway:
I need you to know how absolutely incredible you are. Lately I've been thinking a lot about when we were kids and the fantastic childhood we had. We really were so blessed. I am so grateful to have had you as my sister and, though I'd never have admitted it then, as my friend. Your enthusiasm for life and your willingness to always give it your all amazes me and I realized that you've always been this way. Your spirit is so strong and I love how you started as little fireball of sass and crazy into a strong, passionate and compelling woman full of talent and zest. You inspire me and give me courage to face the things that scare me.
I hope you never forget how important you are. I know that you are going through things and have gone through things that I cannot possibly imagine. I also know that you can kick these hard times in the face and come out on top - you always do. Your light is a beacon to those who need an example of love, strength and compassion.
Thank you for letting me ride along on your coattails. Thank you for making me feel like a million bucks whenever I'm with you just by talking to me - actually to me. And then listening. Really listening. It's a rare talent you have to focus on the individual and it means more to me than you'll ever know.
Thank you for teasing & torturing me. Thank you for believing in me and encouraging me. Thank you for pursuing your dreams so I can see your example and cheer you on. I love seeing the incredible things you do and I know that the places you will go will amaze everyone.
Thank you for being my sister. I love you more than you know.
Stay strong. Keep smiling. And don't let your arms get tired as you fly above us mortals. ;)
xoxo forever.
me.
It was your birthday 9 days ago. I'm sorry this is late.
You'll probably never read this and I'll need to figure out another way to say it, but here goes anyway:
I need you to know how absolutely incredible you are. Lately I've been thinking a lot about when we were kids and the fantastic childhood we had. We really were so blessed. I am so grateful to have had you as my sister and, though I'd never have admitted it then, as my friend. Your enthusiasm for life and your willingness to always give it your all amazes me and I realized that you've always been this way. Your spirit is so strong and I love how you started as little fireball of sass and crazy into a strong, passionate and compelling woman full of talent and zest. You inspire me and give me courage to face the things that scare me.
I hope you never forget how important you are. I know that you are going through things and have gone through things that I cannot possibly imagine. I also know that you can kick these hard times in the face and come out on top - you always do. Your light is a beacon to those who need an example of love, strength and compassion.
Thank you for letting me ride along on your coattails. Thank you for making me feel like a million bucks whenever I'm with you just by talking to me - actually to me. And then listening. Really listening. It's a rare talent you have to focus on the individual and it means more to me than you'll ever know.
Thank you for teasing & torturing me. Thank you for believing in me and encouraging me. Thank you for pursuing your dreams so I can see your example and cheer you on. I love seeing the incredible things you do and I know that the places you will go will amaze everyone.
Thank you for being my sister. I love you more than you know.
Stay strong. Keep smiling. And don't let your arms get tired as you fly above us mortals. ;)
xoxo forever.
me.
September 10, 2018
lonely
Hannalyn's first week of school was a big success in a lot of ways. It was also really hard in a lot of ways. I guess that is life, right? There is always good and bad?
I did really well on Tuesday and Wednesday to keep myself busy. I scheduled my time on Tuesday perfectly to know exactly how much I needed to do and where I needed to be. Wednesday I was working at the theatre so time passed quickly. Thursday . . . I thought I had scheduled it out really well and then it turned out that I had more time than I thought. So I sat. And ended up pretty miserable.
It was my own fault. I let myself think about all the things I was missing and all the things I missed. I realized, not for the first time, but with great force how empty my car was without a little person chatting to me from the back. I cried for a while. Again, not for the first time, although I did make it through the whole first day without crying. Surprise! But with more sadness and loneliness than I'd felt earlier in the week. It was not a good feeling.
I admit that I am nervous for this week. If I don't schedule my time for those 2.5 hours like a crazy person I'm liable to just sit and mope. I don't want to do that. I have plenty I need to do - this week especially with prep for '7 Brides for 7 Brothers' to open on Friday. I just hope I have the motivation to do it.
I think the biggest thing is that I didn't realize that without Hannalyn how lonely I would really be. I knew I would miss her. Obviously. I knew that I would be nervous for her - school is scary & I can't be there to protect her from anything. But I didn't realize that I would be plain old lonely. I thought about reaching out to friends, but I haven't. I'm not really sure what I would say anyway. They are in very different situations than I am, not that they wouldn't understand the feeling, but their time and my time is not the same so it's hard to find time.
The best solution I can find is to continue to stay busy. I'm hoping to go to the temple more often - especially while she's in school (did I mention I'd started going again? It's been the greatest thing. I'm only doing initiatory right now but I'm in the temple for about 30 minutes every other week and I love it). Plus cleaning / prepping at the theatre and I found a 30-day de-clutter your home thing that I want to try. I've also committed to doing more in other areas of my life like practicing the piano and stuff. So putting those things into the times when Hannalyn is at school will hopefully fill me with lots of good things so that when she & I are together we are truly together again. That sounds really nice to me.
And really, I am so glad that she is going to school. She is so ready for this and ready to take it on. We are nervous about the journey - she has testing next week to figure out what sort of speech therapy plan she needs to be on - but I am excited for her. She needs this challenge and I am confident that she will meet it head on. Because my girl is amazing. The world needs her and I need to be willing to share her. ;)
Here's to week 2 - more learning, more growing, and maybe some productivity mixed in for good measure.
I did really well on Tuesday and Wednesday to keep myself busy. I scheduled my time on Tuesday perfectly to know exactly how much I needed to do and where I needed to be. Wednesday I was working at the theatre so time passed quickly. Thursday . . . I thought I had scheduled it out really well and then it turned out that I had more time than I thought. So I sat. And ended up pretty miserable.
It was my own fault. I let myself think about all the things I was missing and all the things I missed. I realized, not for the first time, but with great force how empty my car was without a little person chatting to me from the back. I cried for a while. Again, not for the first time, although I did make it through the whole first day without crying. Surprise! But with more sadness and loneliness than I'd felt earlier in the week. It was not a good feeling.
I admit that I am nervous for this week. If I don't schedule my time for those 2.5 hours like a crazy person I'm liable to just sit and mope. I don't want to do that. I have plenty I need to do - this week especially with prep for '7 Brides for 7 Brothers' to open on Friday. I just hope I have the motivation to do it.
I think the biggest thing is that I didn't realize that without Hannalyn how lonely I would really be. I knew I would miss her. Obviously. I knew that I would be nervous for her - school is scary & I can't be there to protect her from anything. But I didn't realize that I would be plain old lonely. I thought about reaching out to friends, but I haven't. I'm not really sure what I would say anyway. They are in very different situations than I am, not that they wouldn't understand the feeling, but their time and my time is not the same so it's hard to find time.
The best solution I can find is to continue to stay busy. I'm hoping to go to the temple more often - especially while she's in school (did I mention I'd started going again? It's been the greatest thing. I'm only doing initiatory right now but I'm in the temple for about 30 minutes every other week and I love it). Plus cleaning / prepping at the theatre and I found a 30-day de-clutter your home thing that I want to try. I've also committed to doing more in other areas of my life like practicing the piano and stuff. So putting those things into the times when Hannalyn is at school will hopefully fill me with lots of good things so that when she & I are together we are truly together again. That sounds really nice to me.
And really, I am so glad that she is going to school. She is so ready for this and ready to take it on. We are nervous about the journey - she has testing next week to figure out what sort of speech therapy plan she needs to be on - but I am excited for her. She needs this challenge and I am confident that she will meet it head on. Because my girl is amazing. The world needs her and I need to be willing to share her. ;)
Here's to week 2 - more learning, more growing, and maybe some productivity mixed in for good measure.
September 9, 2018
Hannalyn's First Week
Hannalyn had her first week of Preschool this week. She absolutely loved it, which is good, because I hated it and I don't know what would have happened if she hadn't loved it.
The first day she was not scared at all. She knew where to go and was so excited to wear her backpack and hang it up and go in to play. She didn't look back even once. I was so proud of her and her big smile and her excitement for a new experience.
The second and third days were the same and I can tell she is picking up the routine. I love it and love watching her enter this new phase of learning and growth. I am so excited for her and the great opportunities she will have. I was also very excited for the weekend. So. ;) Hannalyn is attending 3 days a week - Tue, Wed, Thu and I think that is plenty for this mama-heart to handle right now.
That's about it. She loves being in the "Purple Room" and plays with Lyla. Her teachers are great and she was really bummed on both Friday and Saturday when she didn't get to go to school with her backpack. Hopefully Tuesday she will still feel the same way - that is an eternity away for this little one.
One week down. Only 8 more months to go. ;)
September 6, 2018
Book Review: Finding Us
FINDING US is Felicity and Leo's Story and it is a beautiful one. While not a normally anxious person, after a shoplifter steals from her bookshop, she calls the cops and experiences higher levels of nerves than before. Officer Leo Russo comes to her rescue - not just that day at the bookshop but also as they meet in town and as Felicity looks for help in making her home more secure. Is Officer Russo just being generous or is there potential for more?
This story was simple and sweet. I enjoyed it immensely as the perfect read for a lazy afternoon. I read it quickly and had lots of fun meeting Felicity and Leo, adding them to the wonderful collection of characters in Pine Valley. A great read throughout.
AMAZON
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