So, I woke up early morning today after like ages!!!!! And I must say, waise it is quite obvious,but still, that early mornings feel so blissful. Plus, it’s winter and that adds up soooo much to the good feeling. I don’t know but I really feel that winter has got me some good satisfactory memories. Maybe because I have memories of spending winters working hard. Staying awake on cold nights studying. I love that memory of myself being a hard worker and being in so much control of myself that I wouldn’t give in to my temptations. I also remember waking up and surfing through blogs and writing my own. Today I am doing the same.

I feel empty… I have lost all the zest for life. Today in the morning I saw my aunt and sister participate in an online Garba event up in the terrace. And I realised me or my mom wouldn’t do that because it involved dressing up and dancing up in the terrace. That’s when I realised, how much we have been confined to ‘what people will think and trying to maintain an all time super-sophisticated image of ourselves’… Ah!!!!! I will try to change that nature of mine. Because that nature has never let me do what I really wanted to do and what I really had to do.

It is so beautiful to be excited about small things, like, for just dressing up, or just going out for an evening city tour, or just window shopping, or preparing your favourite food, or just going to a favourite relative’s place, or buy a new stuff in the market that really excites you….. I know, I have lost all that excitement. I know, I just get this excitement whenever I am shooting a dance video and that too is an obsessive excitement. Matlab, I literally watch my videos over and over again. That’s an addictive toxic behaviour that I have.

Tomorrow maybe I will go too nearby library where you can just sit and study. I mean, I had been wanting this kind of a place for sooooooo long. I really need my own space. Away from home, where I can just focus. I want to work. I want to work a lot and on quite a few fields. For prepping up my career also and also on creatives. There are a lot of ideas, but 2 or 3 some ideas that I really am very particular about doing them soon.

Yesterday night was a bit disturbing, because I aw a glimpse of how people are not ready to accept the success of someone they had never really seen coming. One of my relatives got a nice package studying in my own city. And instead of just readily accepting and asking details genuinely, all I could hear was ifs and buts, “isme kaise hua”, “fake hai kya”, “govt job hi zyada matter karta hai’, fucking stupid shit. Only my mother was genuinely accepting of the news and said that she had seen her working hard.

I got disturbed not because ‘how could she?”, because I knew she had been working hard, but because of what position I have been standing at now, plus the things I have been involved in, right now. I feared for my own fate. Right now, I can’t even hold myself mentally stable. I feared being a failure for everyone who always knew that once my time would come, I would be a big success.

I at times, feel guilty for not loving the conventional academic field, for loving art and wanting to go in that field. I want that respect that people who excel in academics get. I want to at least pass out college with good grades and a good package, something that shows ki I wasn’t just a girl into extra-curriculars. It’s difficult you know, when you at times doubt your choices. But then, each time I realise deep within my heart that I wantttt to go in the creative field only! I haveee to be on sets anyhow. Just seeing the sets in those BTS, ‘making of’ videos, makes my heart go Gaga. ❤