I should be moving on.. but something made me to look back everytime

Salam Petang Khamis

Its hard.. that what I feel.. when its comes to decide... its not easy.. Its hurting me.. but deep down I know that I didn't have a choice but I have to move on..

Sometimes.. when you are at the times that you feel your highest emotion.. you feel you have love enough...  you have try hard.. you have done all your best.. you have stay patience as long as you could.. you have done everything that you could able to stay strong.. finally you know that you have to give up and let go..

Sometimes its good that you let it go at the moment where you have to accept that its faith and destiny.. but saying this is not easy as it sound.. doing it not as easy as it is...

We start as an old friend from past.. we used to study at the same place.. we had the same friends.. we had the same memories... we had the same intellectual.. we had the same way of thinking.. but sadly.. we also choose a different way in life.. we had different career.. different idea.. different taste of living..

My dear friend... I might have to let you go... because of what had happen.. I'm sorry... I don't think I could wait anymore... I need to move on...

Stay safe.. stay strong... stay happy... and always take care of yourself..

Love does not hurt..

Assalamualaikum and good monday afternoon

I come across this quote from Keanu Reeves.. I find it true.. and I realised that I had to agree on this with him..

Yesterday I had a conversation regarding about love.. its was a long and sad conversation.. its been a while that I keep on bringing up those matter.. it been couple of times I was so emotional when those issues was brought up.. by me of course...

When you love someone.. you tend to be emotional..and sometimes you're out of your imagination to wanting something where in reality we knew that wont be happening now.. but yeah.. in future we never knows.. Allah will decide if that is the path that we would follow thru..

When we have some limitation regarding about time and space.. we started to question ourselves.. what's going on.. why should we feel this way.. how long would we hold on.. how much more afford that we had to do just to understand... what are the purpose of starting it in the first place.. and more and more questions keep on filing up the stack.. and less and less answers we got to all of those question... it end up with a clueless situation.. silent.. and just .................................................................

However later on we did agree on 1 thing... that whatever were said... whatever were the questions.. how many questions in the list and all the unanswered questions... Love will always be there for us.. in our heart.. in our soul.. in our mind.. it always.. and always be as it is.. for how long.. for how much... as far as the heart could still feel it happiness... as far as it make you feel good and smiling... as far as it will always make you feel wonderful.. there will always be a special place in your heart that you would place that love.. for you to revisit or to think about when you feel blue.. or when you miss him/her later... eventhou you might have lost the person for good... or both of you have to take your own turn and go separate ways..

I have thought about ending it sometimes.. yeah.. I did have that kind of thought once a while... just to check my own intention... just to question myself how far could I go with my life... but it always ended up that I'm not that brave enough to do that.. eventhou that kind of thought was sort of an option to get out... I know making this kind of decision is not easy.. I have few friends that have to face death and separation in life.. its hard.. its difficult.. its heart breaking.. its sad... its depressing.. its challenging... A friend did question me.. Would I want to end that? I find it hard to say 'yes' because I don't really give it a serious thought... its easy to give a suggestion.. but doing and making it final not as it sound... Love may has prevent me doing it... because Love is what keep me going.. love keep me feel alive.. and love keep me feel wanted..

I too have face so many failure in love.. mostly had sad ending... its still sad to recall each one of it.. but I learn from that experiences... I used to blame myself on what happen... but I do understand love and relationship take two to make it works... it wont works just 1 way... if you're not destine together just move on... but of course the feel of sadness... the blame should be put on someone.. I used to feel that I was the one who did something wrong... but later a friend mention... 'No... both are you not meant together that is... deal with it' but ahhhh.. you know woman... we tend to be so emotional and started to track piece by piece and all the moments that we had gone thru just to find the glitch.. or some signs that you had been missing somewhere..

Of course I still have questions for some of the breakup... why me? what did I do? Do I deserve this? You don't love me anymore? worst question.. Am I that bad? so that you decide to leave me? Did I change and you feel we're not suppose to be together? All those unanswered question..... but later on... when I give a thought to figure out some on the answers by my own... I'm speechless... clueless.. whatever were the answers would it be.. it wont change the fact that its already over... Nothing could be done eventhou all those questions was answered.. so what next? Just MOVE ON....

Love does not hurt... Yes I agree.. but the person in love would feel hurt once a while... Why? Because we love too much.. that what really hurt...

Sometimes its hard when people tell the truth about you..

Hi everyone

It's 17 days in 2015, we are already in the middle of January.. it's feel like it just yesterday you were in 2014 and now here you are.. juggling and  facing more and more life in 2015

Having friends are the best thing in life.. not just they are willing and loyal to you.. they highlight things that are good and what they like about you.. and sometimes.. it's also hard to accept when they started to tell you what they sort of dislike about you.. or they point out your bad attitude or things that they find unpleasant of you..

Your reaction? Mine sort of mix feeling.. its depending on the situation.. if I was in a condition of asking them to point out the bad thing.. I might ready to accept whatever the bad or worst... even it's hurt but the readiness of whatever coming out from their mouth.. is something bitter for you to deal with.. you might have prepare to open your heart and head.. to whatever coming up next..

But.. when they pointing out the bad from out of the blue.. that really make me feel awkward and worst it really hurt inside.. especially when you feel like you have done all your best to accept and change what they have advice you with.. but suddenly they still.. remind you and told you the same things.. even you already do something about it.. and that my dear where the point I started to wonder.. haven't I already done something about it.. haven't I change at least a little bit of the attitude.. haven't I tried my best to accept and change... all the effort.. all the trying.. all the understanding... but still.. people still judge you on the bad thing.. and still some people can't just accept you as who you are... it's hurt.. really hurt..

Yeah sometimes.. its hard.. and really hard when people started telling the truth about you.. yeah you might know who you are.. how you would react.. what your principles.. what you believed in.. and people still judge you and told you.. that you should change... heyy.... why can't you just accept as who I am.. and at least appreciate me on what I have tried to do to change... it's hurt.. when I have done all my best and energy to be the better me.. but sadly.. that doesn't even count as enough.. that doesn't even be consider as something should be compliment as an effort of trying..

I'm sad... because it make me feel sometimes sort of like.. I sort of a loser.. or I haven't done enough.. or maybe the standard was so high and I don't even close to reach 1/4 of  that standard..

p/s Its easy if I could just ignore it.. but when that come from your best friends.. its really hard to ignore... I know that I'm not perfect.. I know that I'm not always right.. but please could you at least see what I have done to change or what I have try to do just to become a better person? Could you just be a little bit patience with me.. guide me and continue support me all the way?

Aidilfitri Just around the corner

Assalamualaikum and Good Evening.. Salam Petang Rabu

Alhamdullilah.. just few more days left to celebrate Eidul Fitri.. I been celebrating Eid for 4 years in UK and I manage to celebrate Eid 1st time in Malaysia in 2010 when I decided to come home for 2 weeks that year.. that was my last time celebrating Eid with arwah Ayah.. and this year my Eid celebration just simple and plain.. Just this time a new routine will be added.. visiting Ayah after Eid prayer as well as visitng Arwah nenek and atok.. Mum seem to be handling her emotion quite okay.. but she still cried everytime she wanted to clear and clean some of ayah stuff in the house.. I do understand her feeling and whenever she told me her deepest sadness feeling.. I sort of just nod and keep my voice silence as a meaning that I understand and try not to trigger more of her sadness.

Overall.. I didn't prepare much for Eid.. I manage to have few new baju kurung..Eventhou that baju kurung happen to be a new baju kurung for work.. buat as long as it new then it just become part of new baju kurung lah.. other than that.. nothing much.. I don't even have any kuih raya yet..duit raya well.. just manage to keep behind small change whenever I go around buying things for gloceries.. My version of duit raya doesn't involve the latest notes.. tak kisahlah kan.. byk mesin parking pun tak leh terima lagi duit RM yg baru..;)

Around this week.. almost all radio and tv channels have been playing all the lagu raya.. oldies.. newbies songs.. but we always been more in mood with the oldies version.. lagu raya yang lama lebih sentimental kan.. I guess it because.. we been listening to that kind of songs many years ago.. since we're young.. and it will always be one of those memorable songs for most of us..

Less than a month my dear good friend will come home for good from New Zealand.. it means that I gonna be 6 month since I'm home last time.. So.. I'm really looking forward to meet her again.. life probably be more interesting and colorful I guess.. I hope so.. but I also seem to miss out meeting few friends as well.. Gosh bila nak jumpa korang nie kan.. Tiny... Juliet.. KTS.. Kak Erna.. Kak Anie.. Kak Pah.. all these are my blog friends.. InsyAllah.. we'll meet during open house kan.. If not.. we decide to open table anywhere around KL for lunch or dinner later ;)

InsyAllah.. Till we meet again after raya.. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri buat semua yang sentiasa sudi singgah ke blog ini.. Semoga selamat pergi dan balik ke kampung.. Jangan main mercun.. tapi kalau nak main meriam sila duduk jejauh sikit hehehe..

Jaga diri dan Selamat Pulang ke Kampung :)

 

Tomorrow is the final day of study in 2011 (Eng Mode)

Salam Khamis

Another day to go.. We just got an email from the department secretary about the afternoon closure of the department office tomorrow. I'll definitely be in the department tomorrow and might be in quite early.. and might as well left early since I believed everyone will be out of the building early tomorrow..

It's feel sad that we finally coming close to the end of 2011... and soon in a week time.. new year 2012 arrive with more exciting and probably more adventures journey.. you never will guess what will happen but I pray that 2012 will bring me more happiness in life.. Become my year of success and end this long sleepless journey.. InsyAllah..

Yesterday.. I got a FB message from my dear sister.. My 'Pak Long' my mother oldest and eldest brother passed away few days ago.. He been struggling with stoke and heart condition and Allah loved him.. I sort of understand how my mum felt.. She lost 2 important peoples in her life.. Her father in April this year and now her brother.. I guess when you're far away.. you just have to accept that people won't live forever.. That also the price that we oversea students have to pay.. Anything emergency happen back home.. you're far away to reach home.. and just have to accept whatever comes along in life..

Talking to 'mak' and then to 'ayah' always been my weakest point.. It always make me feel sad knowing that I'm away from them for far too long... The question of 'Bila ko nak balik??' always been the golden question each and everytime I call both of them.. Well you can't blamed them right?? They have all the right in the world to ask that question and I always tried to give them the best possible answers eventhou my aspected date or months always change each time I called them... Just that this time my answer sort of feel like final.. Deep in my heart I know that I would be home around the date that I mention.. but you never knows.. Things change and I really pray that I could finish it in time.. InsyAllah.. As my mum said before she put down the phone "Mak selalu doakan.. semua kerja-kerja ko tuh siap dengan cepat.." and hearing that bring tears to my heart and soul and of course I almost cried hearing that from her.. Amin... InsyAllah kan..

This week been my emotional week.. I guess with all the hectic schedule.. with unsettled things happen here and there.. I been struggling a bit this week.. But Alhamdullilah.. I manage to 'fasting' as well and it been a great moment to break fast (iftar) at the office and continue doing my work at the same time.

I have been sitting at the same chair.. the same table and using the same PC for almost 5 years now.. my study place is my 2nd home.. place where I do my work.. where I wrote all my academic review.. and also place where I wrote my feeling.. Where I laugh and cry.. Where I see how world change.. How season change from winter to spring to summer and autumn.. Place where I see important event happen around the university.. Place where I always look at the sky and feel that home is so far away but it will always be close to my heart..

2011 has created so many memories.. we cried.. we laughed.. we celebrate.. we struggled and another year with more to come.. 

A Thousand Year (Music mode)

A Thousand Year
-Christina Perri-
The lyrics was written based from Twilight Saga Novel by Stephenie Meyer

The video have 4 elements that represent the 4 books
Apple : Twilight
Flower: New Moon
Red Cloth: Eclipse
Chess : Breaking Dawn

I loved the music video..
Really creative..

“Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you”

Bella: Twilight

“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason. ...

And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. 

When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. 

And there was no more reason, for anything.”

Edward: New Moon

“You know I love you right?” 

“I know,” he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. 

“You know how much I wish it was enough.” 

Bella-Jacob : Eclipse 

“Do you really have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept at all of how much I love you?" He pulled me tighter against his hard chest, tucking my head under his chin. 

I pressed my lips against his snow-cold neck. "I know how much I love you," I answered. 

You compare one small tree to the entire forest." 

I rolled my eyes, but he couldn't see. "Impossible.” 

Bella-Edward: Eclipse  

“You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you hated. All my reactions were geared toward those kinds of killers – the monsters, the enemies. When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it? If it was someone you truly loved?”

Bella: Breaking Dawn 

His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him, summer and winter. 

It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire. 

Bella Cullen, Breaking Dawn, Chapter 5, p.85

Music Mode : The Overtones

I was listening to 'The Overtones' songs while working early in the morning..
It's been a while that I didn't given them a 'serious attention' everytime these songs come along into my ears...

But today suddenly I decided to sing along with it...
I love the songs.. and still are..

I decided to check 'YouTube' and found the new official music videos...
Wow... it's really cool...


Gambling Man : The Overtones
I love the video editing..
Really cool...


Another music video..
The earlier version..
It's the 1st ever YouTube : Music Video that I put into this blog..
I always enjoy their music..
'Old School' kind of music..  ;)


I love this one too
For the longest time..
Alahai yang tengah tuh..
Tali leher dia tak betul sangatlah..
Rasa macam nak betulkan jek..
Ahaks ;)


Second Last Chance
How did I missed this song???
I thought that I already download all the songs..
I just found the Music Video
I love the catchy song..

What I like most..
All of them are so handsome..
Giler kacak ;)

(Eng Mode) Quote: Love for men & women..

Happy wednesday..

I read this quote from a friend wall in FB.. and I started to laugh..  Oh my.. How true.. and so so true..

What women should know : 

A man who truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation is.

What men should know :

A woman who truly loves you, will be angry at you for many things, but will stick around.

Why did I said it's so true.. well it happen to me recently.. and I believed that for women.. we tend to get angry easily even it's just a simple and small things.. I remember sometimes ago.. when I was so angry at him about something.. and we really get into big fight.. and at the end of that conversation I endup just by saying:

'I'm so angry because I cared... I cared about you and because I love you so much.. If I didn't care.. if I didn't love you as much as I already have.. I'll not waste my time worrying about you.. and spend my time thinking and argueing with you'

A really and dearly good friend said to me recently..

'When our heart are full with love.. and we love someone dearly.. cared about them so much.. then we tend to get our feeling hurt easily.. we tend to get angry even at the smallest matter.. sometimes even at things that by logical thinking we shouldn't be angry about..'

That friend as well talk about 'right' or 'Hak' when we loved someone.. I used to think about the same thing.. but when a friend explained it to me about it.. I seem to agree..

'When we love someone.. or when we given our heart and soul to someone to love us back (especially husband & wife).. we always have the right to ask.. to question.. to argue.. to get angry.. or even get upset with whatever the person that we love do..'

'When I give my heart to someone and I truly love that person so much.. it means that I already given him/her the right to involve with every single things in my life.. That person have all the right to do anything as long as I feel okay with it.. as long as I accept it..'

So what says all of you..

Do you agree???

Winter Sonata tahun lepas..
Dengarnya salji akan turun awal bulan Oktober nie..
Gosh.. Another winter
Another cold weather
Another slippery road
Another memories

English Mode: I missed home..

Dear All..

Happy Wednesday.. Alhamdullilah today it's so sunny and no rain at all.. I can see the top of the mountain from the window beside me.. It's feel so bright and fresh.. I open the window.. I can feel the fresh cool breeze coming through.. and it's started to make me feel homesick.. I missed home so badly..

Well.. I know some of you might find it difficult to understand when I started to write in english.. well.. pardon me yeah.. when my feeling so mixed up.. I tend to write in english.. I don't know why.. but maybe because I feel writing it in english can express what I felt deeply.. Sebenarnya tulis dalam BM pun leh luahkan hati dan perasaan gak.. dan terus jadi bahasa jiwang2.. Excuse me yeah.. today I felt like speaking 'London' ok ;)

Yesterday I send email to G asking about our next meeting.. Like I aspected.. he reply and set the date tomorrow.. Well.. I already guess that what will happen.. before he left to Greece for 2 weeks.. He did left me with some work to do.. Well.. holiday kan keje pun cuti.. and now I'm in great stress.. maybe that what contribute to miss home as well..

I can't stop myself listening to Adele 'Set fire to the rain'.. Maybe because of the melodies and the mourning voice of hers.. it's feel so close to me.. I have heard Adele other songs but this one the most influencial to me..

I missed daffodil
but I missed home more..

I will never see daffodil flowers anymore..
but I know I will see home always..
;)

Shutting down (English Mode)

Good Morning and Happy Tuesday everyone..

Another day.. Another challenge.. Another busy.. Hectic day..

I feel like shutting down.. Keep on working but gonna keep my mouth shut but keep my fingers busy typing all the way.. I don't feel like talking to anyone.. I don't feel like socializing.. I don't feel like making friends or even making friendly gestures.. Just wanna shut up and shut down..

It's good that my fingers doesn't have to speak using verbal local voice.. and it good that it can only speak thru words and sentences that I type..

What happen?? Just feel like don't wanna talk.. just feel like really shutting down from anybody.. just feel like don't wanna talk to anyone for the whole week.. I'm so stressfull.. and it effect my mood and emotion..

Hope it will not last long.. if not people just have to understand me and adapt my new behavior...

Sabarlah bulan puasa nie... takyah banyak2 cakap.. tak puas hati senyap.. marah senyap.. gembira pun senyap.. tak suka pun senyap.. malas dah nak marah2.. letihlah..

Dugaan kan.. Pelik kadangkala lihat aturan kehidupan.. but itulah hidup... ada kala kita senyum gelak2.. ada masa kita rasa nak diam dan senyap sahaja...

Ya Allah.. Let me be calm and I'm gonna put my faith on your forever.. InsyAllah

Straight up.. now tell me.. (Eng mode)

I been listening to this acoustic version of 'straight up' featuring Lauren Laine.. It's totally different from Paula Abdul version 'Straight up' which is more catchy and dance beat..

I luv this acoustic version..
The melodies just so 'warm and alive'..

Music always been my closest friend.. I believed most people like listening to music.. just the different between each one of us is the genre.. melodies.. language.. group.. solo.. and so on..

Singing always be the best thing to release my stress level.. and I always sing when I'm alone.. saying word by word.. It's help me expressed what I felt and put my mood along with the melody..

Biasalah mood jiwang sekarang nie.. Jom kita karoke.... 
Tetiba rasa nak pakai seksi camtu gak lah sambil nyanyi2 kat bilik air ;)

Windy Cold Spring Summer (English mode)

It's been almost 3 days the cold wind appeared.. Last 2 days it's been a horrible day where the wind was so strong.. I was on the road with a friend and we almost got blown away on the way to the supermarket. I almost hang on to the lamp post because it did manage to move me forward a few steps.. Thank god.. it didn't manage to blow away my scarf and I'm glad to wear quite tight rain jacket. I also happen to open the window beside the table and it created chaos with the loud sound of  'banging door' coz the wind was trying to escape thru the door.. and all the window blind almost be blown away in different directions. Why did I open the window in the first place?? Cos it was quite warm in the room.. My room happen to face the sun in the morning and it manage to capture and preserve the warm heat all morning.

Since yesterday.. on my way to work early in the morning.. I could see lots of broken branches along the walking pavement.. It has not been clear up.. I don't know why.. maybe the staffs were waiting for more in few days.. but today I could see more longer and bigger branches.. I can't imagine if it had fallen onto people walking down the pavement.. Gosh.. It must hurt badly.. and most of all I don't want to be the one who experience it.

It's going into summer.. eventhou it's end of may.. and still in spring time.. but it doesn't seem to feel like summer anytime soon.. I feel like it going backward to winter days.. Thinking wearing my winter jacket again.. but with the rain almost everyday now.. the winter jacket is not the best option.. wearing the rain jacket is the most appropriate choice. So I have to get used the windy cold feeling every morning when walking up the hill to pickup the SDS keys and straight up to the SDS building.

Working days happen to be easy breazy I guess.. I manage to finish up all the work schedule quite early these few days.. I had almost 45minutes break time before exiting from the building. Happy to get this kind of time when it's was chaostic last few weeks.. Taking my time and taking the break as much as I can, before more covering work appear somewhere soon..

Next monday is the bank holiday.. The last public holiday until x'mas holiday at the end of December.. So I'm looking forward enjoying the weekend holiday.. and probably  going somewhere on that day..

Study schedule is still moving forward.. but an email from home from a dearest friend manage to make  me feel guilty.. sorry and mix-up. I know people been wondering and thinking about me.. but I also hope that they would able to understand my reasons and my decisions.. Just bear with me and just pray for me.. InsyAllah.. soon.. I'll see all of them soon..

Wish the Daffodil last longer..
But sadly.. it's gone now..

Sorry ler ari nie kemaruk nak speaking 'English'.. Jangan marah ok.. kot tak faham.. buat-buatlah faham.. dan buat-buatlah angguk-angguk kepala ;)

I find it hard to figure it out

Yeah.. I'm changing my writing language for this entry.. Sometimes I feel.. I can express my feeling better in English..

Yeah this is one of the things that been around my mind for few weeks now.. I'm figuring out something.. either it's really something worth considering.. or just let it go as it shud be..

I have + and - feeling about all this.. Sometimes.. I feel like letting go wud be the best thing.. coz that the right things as well.. but sometimes.. when I starting figuring those things out.. by Q&A to people.. I'm starting to get a good vibe about this.. and thinking.. "Oh!! Maybe I shud hold on.. Hold on for a while maybe it will turn out good and well" Yeah.. sound like okay.. but then in couple of days.. I'm starting feel down again and juggling my decision either it's good or bad.. and turn my feeling and my head upside down once again..

Gosh.. I wish making decision is easy.. well I know the right answer for it.. If I spell each of it out.. I know the answers to all that.. coz people will give a rational and logical answer.. but when it comes to emotion then things start to fall apart.. Decision really hard to make.. coz it's yur heart that breaking down.. not them.. it's yur feeling that hurt so much.. and it's your mind that will keep on thinking never ends.. and it's yur body that will feel restless.. day by day..

How am I going to figure this thing out?? I don't know.. I really don't know