It isn’t always easy to know who you can trust. Nor to know how things are going to turn out. People put their opinions forward and they can have a way of making them sound very persuasive and convincing. They can tell us, “this will lead to that” in such a way that it seems hard to argue. Or they may say “you can rely on me” when actually you can do no such thing. But if we go through life continually looking out for deception and trouble, we do this at the expense of our ability to enjoy ourselves. It’s good to be wary but not too wary.
Month: June 2013
If It Doesn’t Challenge You, It Doesn’t Change you
How easy it is to become tense and apprehensive. There is really no great skill or effort involved. Just consider a situation and then question it a little. As soon as you introduce an element of doubt, it begins to unravel like a sweater that has been pulled by a hanging thread. It doesn’t matter how carefully and cleverly key ideas have been knitted together, they will start to unravel just the same. So what’s the solution? Avoid challenging anything, ever? I have no option now, other than to embrace challenge and change.
Who Am I?
This is a question I’ve been trying to figure out for years. One of the assignments is college 2010 was to write about who you are. I skipped this assignment because I couldn’t answer the question. I’ve been lying and manipulating people for so long that I felt like I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Everyday I would put on this facade that life was great and everything was okay. . . When in reality it wasn’t. Inside I hated myself. I felt like I was always alone. Drugs have always been there to make me feel okay and to take my depression/ anxiety away. I never saw a future for myself and never really cared about life. In my mind I always planned on being dead by the age of twenty. My whole life revolved around one thing—-getting high. I have a totally different outlook on life now. I feel different than any time that I’ve attempted to get sober in the past. Slowly I am learning to love who I am and not be ashamed of my past.
Who I am
Even though I don’t show it all the time, I love my family and I’m extremely grateful for everything they have done for me. More than anything I want myself and loved ones to be healthy. I want to go back to school and get a degree but am lost as to what I am going to do.
I have gone through a lot of stuff that people don’t normally experience in an entire lifetime. If I apply half the energy that I put into getting high than I can accomplish anything I want to do. At times I can be extremely selfish and impatient but that is something I am trying to work on. I am a perfectionist but I am starting to understand that nothing can be perfect. I am used to other people taking care of me and I need to start being more independent. I have made A LOT of mistakes in my life, too many to count, but I am trying my best to learn from them so I can become a better person. I am worried about my future but I know that if I stay sober everything will be okay.
I am, and always will be, a recovering addict.
Dreams Dissolve 