Month: August 2013

Past, Present, Future

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My past tells me I am a liar.

My past tells me I am going no where.

My past tells me I don’t care.

My past tells me I am lost.

My past tells me I am an addict.

 

My present tells me I am sober.

My present tells me I am thoughtful.

My present tells me that I care.

My present tells me I can succeed.

My present tells me I am different now.

My present tells me I am going to be okay.

 

My future tells me I don’t know.

My future tells me the past is the best predictor for the future.

My future tells me to look at my past.

Word’s Can Be Powerful

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I always sit around thinking of something to write and usually things come to mind when I’m in the most random places at the most random times. It seems always when I have no way of jotting them down.

I know I can always write about personal issues, like family drama and things a lot those lines. But I think it bores people sometimes. I usually try my best to leave it somewhat open to interpretation, I want people to be able to relate.

I want to write something amazing, something incredible, powerful, something that everyone wants to see, something people would still be talking about days from now. But I am not a professional writer. This blog is all new to me.

My whole life even through all the addictions I wanted nothing more then to be able to help people one day. One way or another. And for now until I finish school this blog is my ‘another’. I know it’s not much. But I also know from personal experience, words are powerful and sometimes being able to relate to someone is enough to know you’re not alone.

Desiderata- Max Ehrmann

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Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have a story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. Your are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

Nikki Sixx- The Heroin Diaries

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When your sitting on a plane at 40 000 ft up in the air looking out the window, dreaming of your future and how bright it appears to be, or maybe just watching the drops of the rain being pushed into different designs from the force of the air at 400 mph. Well life feels good. It feels safe. Your seat belt is on and your feet are up. Then the oxygen masks drops, the plane jumps, snaps, jolts. People start to scream, babies burst into tears crying, people start praying, all in time to the overhead announcement that we’re going to crash. Right then as your life flashes before your eyes. You hear yourself say “God if you get me out of this one, I’ll stop_______ Or I’ll never_______ forever.” Right then the nose of the plane pulls up and the captain says “wow that was a close one, folks we’re OK, we’ll be landing in thirty minutes and we’re all safe and sound… Sorry for the scare.” That’s how getting hooked is and when the kick is over you can’t believe you ever got on that plane in the first place. The question is, will you ever fly again?

Getting Clean

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I remember getting clean here and there throughout the last ten years. And I remember telling people that I was doing great; getting a job, going back to school, trying to mend broken relationships with friends and family. Whatever it was at that time, whatever I used to make myself sound like it was the last time trying and everything was great, and nothing could go wrong. Whatever it was, I knew in the back of my mind that I was desperately lying to myself wanting so bad to believe it was true. But I knew otherwise. I knew after a month or so that I would be right back where I was expect a little further in each time.

I mean c’mon. Anyone who is an addict or knows an addict knows that they lie and manipulate. They will do anything in their power to do what they need to do to get their fix, whatever that may be. But not only do they lie to others. They lie to themselves to get by.

When I was thirteen I started popping pills, and got hooked within one night. I remember saying I know I’m addicted to pills (E, MDMA, whatever I could get my hands on) but I will never ever stick anything up my nose. Well within a year I was snorting any pill I got, and then I tried coke. And shortly after prescription pain pills. After one night I was hooked. I said I would never stick a needle in my arm. Actually I was terrified of needles. Well although this step took a little longer to get to, it happened. It happened once and then it never stopped and it almost ended my life. Not only was I shooting pain pills and heroin. But I got addicted to the ritual and routine of shooting up. It was the rush I was going for, but just the process on its own was enough to make me keep going.

But it all came to a screeching halt when I almost overdosed. I ended up in the hospital and it was scary, it scared the hell out of me. I almost lost my life. And more then anything in that moment I felt selfish for putting my family through yet another turmoil.

Where I’m trying to go with all this I’m not sure but it’s a lifetime battle. I feel I’m always being tested one way or another. When my parents moved me away to get me to stop using coke. The first person I met was a coke dealer. When I stopped using pain pills for the first time, I went on methadone. After a year I decided I was okay to get off the methadone and within a month I got in a car accident and was badly injured. I was then prescribed the very things I battled for years.

My point is it’s a never ending battle and you will be challenged, and sometimes you will want to throw your hands in the air and beat your fists on the floor. It sucks, it really sucks sometimes. But it is possible.

Hopefully this time is truly the last time. It feels different this time. I actually believe in myself this time. Something I have never felt before. There is a huge difference between doing it for others and doing it for yourself. This time I am doing it for myself.

Blackbird / Lost For Words

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Blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Lost for Words 

I was spending my time in the doldrums
I was caught in a cauldron of hate
I felt persecuted and paralyzed
I thought that everything else would just wait

While you are wasting your time on your enemies
Engulfed in a fever of spite
Beyond your tunnel vision reality fades
Like shadows into the night

To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
‘Cause there will be no safety in numbers
When the right one walks out of the door

Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While the ivy grows over the door

So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can’t win.

Andy — Andrew Biersack

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Sometimes in life you feel the weight of the world… it can push you down and make you fear it. it can cause stress and pain…but in those moments…remember all that you have done in your life…and what great things you can do in the future.. The feeling of burden may not subside, but the fire you carry in your heart will burn stronger than ever when you live through it. Never let anyone…or anything… steal your flame. i once though of calling our first record “alive and burning” after a song i wrote… i know now that was a silly notion…we aren’t here to…”burn”…we are here on this earth to reach for all that we can get… to see the brass ring and strive for it…not via sardonic tendencies but rather through our own personal strength… to see our heroes and say to ourselves… i want to be better.. i want to be the best i can be. so please…if nothing else… continue to live as you are… and reach for all you can take… you are all beautiful people. Live it.

As we grow up, we learn that even the person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it gets harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is one minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

(Andy — Andrew Biersack)

Lou Gramm

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As I discovered, the path to sobriety is a precarious, complex journey. You obviously want to purge yourself of something that has been so destructive and has had such a grip on you. but in the deep recesses of your mind, you wonder if you will mourn the loss of this old friend that has been by your side for years. I know this sounds sick, but you actually find yourself wondering if your life is going to become quite boring without this crutch. Of course, the yearning for true health far outweighs everything else. You know things are going to be better for you, for your loved ones, and for everyone you encounter. You will no longer have to hide things and live a lie. Yes, that initial high of drugs and booze can be very, very attractive, but it’s not worth the wrecked and trashed feeling you have the next morning. Nor is it worth the cumulative toll it exacts from you.You realize that you can never let your guard down. It’s a lifelong challenge, and addiction is an insidious disease that’s always lurking nearby like a snake ready to strike. Achieving true sobriety goes beyond abstinence. It’s also about healing your soul, apologizing for damage you did to other, and seeking forgiveness.

(Lou Gramm)

The Darkest Hour Only Has Sixty Minutes

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“The Darkest Hour Only Has Sixty Minutes”  – Morris Mandel

This is true, but sometimes the darkest hour turns into the darkest day or darkest month, or darkest year.

My darkest hour turned into a dark, dark decade. Only now after ten years, the light is starting to creep its way through. Some-day’s are lighter than others. It’s almost like the light is afraid, intimidated by the darkness whom is stronger and more powerful. The darkness consumes people taking them hostage for however long it pleases. But once the light finds you, and your ready to hang on tight to the positivity it brings, it can save you. But one should always know that the darkness is always waiting, always lurking, invading all your thoughts, waiting for the right moment to strike. That darkness is addiction, and that light is sobriety in my world.

I’m scared; That is an understatement. I am terrified of that lurking darkness. I can feel it, its always beside me, waiting for me to fall. It will bend and break me time after time. I can’t tell anyone how much I fear myself. I know what addiction mentality is capable of. My past makes that very clear. When the darkness catches my fall, it turns me into someone I don’t recognize. I have found the light once again, and I am holding on for dear life this time. But this time around I better beware, if I think I’m stronger or smarter this time then I haven’t learned a thing. I know the darkness will take hostage of my soul. It stands by my side watching all that I do and will always be faithful catching me if I slip.

The Old Me; The New Me

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The old me says “this isn’t for me. This is what I don’t do, don’t like, don’t want to be involved with.” And the new me? Well, the new me is only just being established. The new me hasn’t been around long enough to assert itself with confidence, backed up by years of precedent and experience, the new me says, “I am not so sure that I still feel what I once felt.”But it is humble and faltering. Even so, the new me has the weight and power of my future on its side. And that counts for far more than the past.

I deserve a better, brighter future. Why shouldn’t I have one? What stands in the way? Just possibility, the greatest, if not the only obstacle, might be my own idea of what a better, brighter future might be like. I’ve got a clear view of how I would like things to be. But am I seeing the only way in which things could turn out well? Am I ruling out some of the possibility which might prove just as satisfactory, if not significantly better? I have to allow it a little flexibility.