Month: September 2013

My Life as A Junkie; Part Of It

Posted by

2

I was addicted to cocaine for years; a big part of my life was all about coke. Until I discovered OxyContin, I became addicted instantly; when they were wiped off the market other drugs just had to do. Anything from prescription pain pills to heroin. Whatever there was at the time, whatever I could get my hands on. It wasn’t too long after that I decided to start shooting them instead of snorting them. I’m being honest when I say, I was terrified of needles, and I used to freak out just getting blood work. But when it came to getting high, I got over that fear pretty damn quickly.

Its true when they say you not only become addicted to the drug, but you become addicted to the ritual, the whole process of breaking down the pill, adding the water, heating it up, drawing blood, and the plunge of the wonderful feeling I desired. Those were the so called good times of being a junkie. I’m not going to lie; it’s an indescribable feeling, a rush like no other. I’m not trying to glorify it in any way, I just can’t deny that it felt good.

When being a junkie, you learn pretty quickly what it’s like to be dope sick. Withdrawals that eat you alive and spit you out. I can honestly say, I have never felt so fucking shitty (excuse my language) and the only way to get rid of it; is to use, and it works instantly; instant relief.

One of the worst things about feeling helpless is the constant intrusion of doubt. Even when you know there’s nothing you can do about something, even when you’re absolutely sure, even when you’ve considered every possibility over and over again, knowing full well that you’re wasting your time… Even then, you still can’t help feeling that maybe your wrong. That horrible feeling of desperation. . .I can’t tell you how many times I have searched my house and car for hours thinking that maybe I missed something, maybe when I broke the pill up, pieces fell on the floor. I would search for crumbs; I would hold on to this thread of hope that I missed something.

84 pills were to last me two weeks, and they would always be gone in 5 days. When I would run out of my prescription; which I always did, I would have to drive roughly 45 minutes- hour to find what I needed. Driving while withdrawing is not fun, it’s uncomfortable and extremely painful. But drugs make you do stupid things, and all you’re thinking about is feeling normal let alone high. I did things I am not proud of. I figured I was doing what I had to do to get by. I consistently lied to myself, justifying everything in my mind to make it okay.

I can look back now and understand that my mentality was one of an addict, I did thing’s I wouldn’t otherwise do if sober. I know this now, so I have stopped beating myself up. But that doesn’t mean that I have forgotten, that doesn’t mean what I did was okay. All that means; is I recognize the pain I have caused, I recognize my mistakes, and I take ownership of it, and I can move on. I can forgive myself, and hopefully the people I truly care about can find it in their hearts to forgive me.

Putting my feelings and thoughts down on paper, then sharing them here helps in so many ways. It’s like self-therapy.  I know I say it all the time, but I’ll say it again; thank you to everyone who takes time to read my posts.

“Hope For The Best, Expect The Worst”

Posted by

4

“Hope for the best, expect the worst”

What do you think of this statement? Do you agree, or disagree?

This is something I have always done, and it’s something that has worked for me. I know a lot of people don’t agree with this. My mom always tells me it’s no way to look at things. She truly believes in the power of positive thinking, and always staying positive even in the worst circumstances. Well, that’s a super power. I couldn’t stay positive always even if I wanted to. That’s not to say that when I am hoping for the best that I am automatically expecting the worst. But I am preparing for it. Bracing whatever impact may or may not arise. I don’t do this because I think it’s easier, I do this because it makes a whole lot of sense to me. I’ve had this conversation with many people, and I’m curious to see what works for you.

Optimism verses pessimism; does it have to be either or? Can you be a bit of both, depending on the circumstances?

“What’s emerging, from studies is that both optimism and pessimism have important roles to play in people’s lives. Being optimistic allows people to pursue their goals in a positive way: to dream a bigger and better dream, which they can work their way towards. Optimists also seem to respond better to positive feedback, and part of being optimistic may be generating this feedback for themselves, i.e. thinking positive thoughts. On the other hand being pessimistic may help people reduce their natural anxiety and to perform better. Also, pessimists seem to respond better to negative feedback. They like to hear what the problems were, so they can correct them. Again, part of why pessimists generate these sorts of negative thoughts is that it helps them perform better. So it’s different strokes for different folks. Optimism and pessimism aren’t just accidents; this evidence suggests they are two different, but effective, strategies of coping with a complex and unpredictable world.”

http://psychcentral.com

Everyone is different, everyone has different beliefs, and everyone looks at things their own way. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and their own ways.

I wouldn’t say I am a pessimist or an optimist I think I am a bit of both. What about you, do you think you are an optimist or a pessimist? Or neither, or both?

I thought I would get as much feedback as I could. Just out of curiosity.

Relapse

Posted by

6

Sometimes relapsing is just a part of addiction. Habits are generally hard to break, whatever they might be. I think instead of looking at a relapse as a defeat, maybe it’s beneficial to look at it as a chance to learn, an opportunity. I don’t think it’s worth thinking that anything less than perfect is a total failure. It just leads you to think that you don’t have the willpower. Life is full of ups and downs, good days and bad; sometimes urges and temptations can come out of no where, without any warning. Small problems that may seem insignificant at the time can slowly build and eventually or suddenly push you over the edge. For a lot of addicts it’s not always how that day might be going, but maybe it’s a matter of hours, minutes, or seconds. Everyone is different and therefore everyone will have different ways of dealing with their circumstances. For me; having realistic goals helps me, thing’s I had forgotten about while being wrapped up in addiction. I am mending broken relationships with friends and family, enjoying simple thing’s I had lost. I haven’t relapsed this time, I don’t plan on it, I don’t think anyone does. But you never know what tomorrow has in store.

I figure the real celebration isn’t always the day you quit, or even the 5, 10, or 20 year anniversary. It’s every day, every hour, every second you are sober. And every day you get back on track after a relapse.

Every moment counts.

Co-Dependency & Enabling

Posted by

4

For both the loved ones of addicts and the addicts themselves, co-dependency and enabling can be two very destructive behaviours.

I’m not an expert on either of these subjects but I’ll try my best to tell my own experience with them.  For the first time in the 10 years that I’ve been in and out of recovery my mom and I are finally starting to address our issues with co-dependency and enabling. This is good because it’s well overdue. I am slowly learning to take charge of my life instead of having to rely on her to take care of everything for me.

Co-dependency – The idea of being overly involved in another person’s life.  Worrying about the other person’s behaviour and feeling unnecessary guilt when not taking care of the other person’s needs.

Enabling – To make possible or easy, to make able, to authorize, to give power

For the last 10 years my mom has been my enabler.  She would do anything for me because she loved me so much.  What she didn’t understand until recently is that what she was doing was actually hurting me instead of helping me. But this is something I knew all along, and I was a professional liar and manipulator. I used her weaknesses to my benefit. I took full advantage of the power she gave me. I never had consequences for my actions.

My mom was in denial about how bad my addiction was.  She thought she was helping me by not forcing me to deal with my problems but she was actually making things worse for the both of us.

What I didn’t realize was that I was hurting her just as much as she was hurting me.  I was making her completely co-dependent with me.  Once she realized the severity of my drug problem her whole life revolved around one thing – me.  I was all she thought about 24/7.  The constant worrying about what I was doing and if I was ok.  I was selfish and incapable and I was so blind to even think about how I was affecting her life.  Her love for me made her feel like every time I made a mistake it was her fault because I am her daughter, she raised me.

My mom tried everything to fix my addiction for me but she never succeeded.  Her love and support just wasn’t enough, I needed to turn my life around on my own. Unfortunately even when I was kicked out, even when she would refuse to give me money; I always found a way. But in some sick way when these moment arise; I would resent her. I would resent her because I was selfish and I always expected her to pick up the pieces.

I now understand why she acted this way.  I’m her daughter and all she wants is to see me succeed in life.  Since I’ve been clean the co-dependency and enabling has pretty much diminished.  Obviously she still worries about me but not nearly as much as before.  Now she is focused on her own life instead of obsessing about mine.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to her.  She says she forgives me and wants to leave the past in the past but it is so difficult for me to forget about how horrible my behaviour used to be.  I just want my mom to feel appreciated and realize that I do not take her for granted.  I don’t know what I would do without her.

I can only imagine how hard it is to watch your child suffer, knowing that you can’t really do much to help them.

A lot of addicts are so wrapped up in their own problems that they don’t try to understand how it affects the other people who love them.

I think the parents can go through even more pain than us addicts do. And Mom, if you read this; I love you more than you will ever know, and I am deeply sorry for all the pain I have caused.

Our Feeling Of Self-Worth

Posted by

0

Our feeling of self-worth from the core of our personality. Nothing is more important to our psychological well-being. The level of our self-esteem affects virtually every aspect of our lives. It affects how we perceive ourselves, and how they subsequently treat us. It affects our choices in life, from our careers to whom we befriend or get involved with romantically. It influences how we get along with others and how productive we are, as well as how much we make of our abilities. It affects our ability to take action when things need to change and our ability to be creative. It affects our stability, and even affects whether we tend to be followers or leaders. It only stands to reason that the level of our self-esteem, the way we feel about ourselves in general, would also affect our ability to form intimate relationships’.

Many people use the words self-esteem and self-concept interchangeably, but these terms actually have different meanings. Our self-concept, or self-image, is the set of beliefs or images we have about ourselves. Our self-esteem is the measure of how much we like and approve of our self-concept. Many of the ideas we have about ourselves were acquired in childhood from two sources: how others treated us and what others told us about ourselves. How others defined us has becomes how we perceive ourselves. Your self-image — who you think you are— is a package that you have put together from how others have seen and treated you, and from the conclusions you drew in comparing yourself to others.
(Self Esteem Third Edition- Matthew McKay, PH.D./ Patrick Fanning)

I have become so accustomed to putting myself down in my head, it’s something I’ve done most of my life. It’s an immediate reaction. I have always failed myself before anyone else could fail me. Anything I was actually good at or I was told I was good at, I would quit shortly after hearing “you should keep it up, you’re very talented.” For example, I have been told I am an amazing artist when it comes to drawing. I stopped drawing a while ago, and anytime I do I keep it to myself. I played soccer for almost 12 years and towards the end, I was told to go provincial because I would be an asset to the team. So I quit and I haven’t played since.  Not a very productive thing to do. But I haven’t yet figured out why I did this, of why I still do this. But I know it’s something I need to figure out so I can correct it, I have missed a lot of opportunities because I am so afraid to mess up. It’s a little ironic that I am so afraid to fail in this aspect, but when I look back I’ve fucked up so many things as a result of my addictions. I think some of it has to do with my dad, and I feel awful saying this, I know he would lose his mind if he read this but I always go back to him and the way he did/ does things. His dad; my grandpa was physically abusive. My dad believes because he’s not physically abusing his kids that the emotional abuse is okay. My dad has been emotionally abusive my whole life. To me, to my brother, to my mom. He has a way of belittling you until you feel so small and worthless. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad to pieces; he’s one of my favourite people. My dad and I are very close and I can tell him anything and everything. But that does not mean I agree with the way he handles things. My mom has become so accustomed to being put down she doesn’t even cry anymore. Actually I don’t either, I am use to it. But I think it still affects me. My brother isn’t use to it yet. My dad has a switch, I am always careful about what I say and how I say it. And I know if he is drinking, then not to argue, to just keep quiet.

As I am writing this, I feel a wave of guiltiness rushing through me. I feel awful for saying those things’ about my dad. But it’s true. I am very defensive when it comes to my dad even if what is being said isn’t negative. Its weird, I don’t fully understand it. I think I grew up thinking dad was always right and I was always wrong because of his attitude and belittlement. Anything that changes my childhood views scares me so I criticize them. Confusing? I know. Sorry I have rambled here, I’ve lost track of where I was going with this. But I think it’s all intertwined here, missing puzzle pieces are finding their spot.

I am working towards improving my self-esteem. I can honestly say I don’t care what many people think of me. But I do care what my parents think of me. Seeking their approval after everything I’ve done proves difficult. I have come to realize that I need to approve myself first; I need to believe in myself. I need to stop failing myself. I have to love and accept who I am.

Shame And Guilt

Posted by

11

I think feelings of shame and guilt are common among individuals struggling with addiction. The shame refers to feeling bad about myself. I feel weak, defective, and I feel like a failure, I feel like I have let everyone down; not once but many, many times.  When I feel ashamed, I feel that something is wrong with me, that I am less than others. And I’m sure this is the case for a lot of people in recovery, I know it will take time and effort to work through the shame and guilt.

I still carry extreme guilt, I feel bad about my past behviours. About things I’ve done, and thing’s I haven’t done. I’ve used people, I’ve stolen from loved ones, I’ve hurt, I’ve lied, I’ve conned; broken laws to get money to pay for drugs, I’ve been violent. I also feel guilty for not fulfilling my responsibilities and obligations to my family, especially when they may have needed me most. But the drugs were always more important.

I know I cannot go back and change the past, and even if I could I don’t think I would. Without my past I wouldn’t be who I am today, like I’ve said before; I may not know who I am, where I’m going or where I am going to be, but I am learning everyday, taking advantage of every moment. I am finding myself, and making amends in the process. I can start by recognizing my shame and guilt, I can be honest with myself about what I did or failed to do as a result of my addictions. I’m allowed to give myself time to feel better, without self-pity. But realistically and accept the reality that it may take a good deal of time to feel less ashamed and guilty. I can talk about my feelings, I can be there for those who wish to talk about their feelings. I can accept my flaws and limitations. I can try to make amends and hope for forgiveness. I can believe in the person I want to become.

My Dreams Are More Real Than My Daily Life

Posted by

4

I’ve been having these vivid dreams of getting high. Sticking the needle in my arm, drawing the blood, the release, and that wonderful feeling, I can feel the high in my dream. It feels real. I can taste it, and I wake up sweating with awful anxiety. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to wake up. It feels good. The ironic thing is, I go most days with the feeling that everything feels like a dream and I feel like I’m in a movie and nothing is real and it’s scary. And then I go to sleep and have the most real feelings. It’s quite confusing actually. The methadone is supposed to stop the craving, stop the dreams. But I really don’t want to raise my dose; this is another crutch, another thing I have to get off of. I don’t want to be on it long term. On the other hand last time I got off of it I thought I was ready and I wasn’t. A bit of a predicament, but I’m not going to focus on that, I’m going to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. As for the dreams, they concern me. Not because I want to use, but because it scares the hell out of me. It reminds me why I liked it so much. And the fact that I spend my days feeling like nothing is real; I get the urge to do something stupid like hurt myself in some way so I can feel something. I know it might sound a little crazy, and maybe it is but it’s scary to me. And the dreams feel more real than my everyday life. I’m thinking I should go and talk to someone about this, but I can’t really afford a counselor or anything along those lines. So usually I come here, and I write. It helps, but for this I’m beyond confused and scared. The anxiety is eating at me, I’m afraid to go to sleep because I don’t want to experience the lifelike high, and at the same time I’m afraid to wake up because I don’t want to feel nothing.

The Ugliness Of Resentment

Posted by

2

I have a lot of people who resent me. Their feelings are valid, they have every right to. But I wish they knew it was hurting them more than it is hurting me. The bitterness they have for me is eating them alive, and I don’t like that I’m the cause of that. Living with resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other guy gets sick. Re-experiencing and reliving them in ways that deeply affect us emotionally, physiologically, and spiritually in very destructive ways. The inability for them to overcome their resentment makes it very difficult to repair our relationships.

I’m mainly talking about my family; my parents, and my brother. It’s fueled by years of episodes of different things throughout, I have resentment too, but it’s mainly theirs towards me. It can be anything that triggers it to ignite. It can be a recent accusation that provokes these feelings. The strong reaction of resentment almost never appears to be warranted by what sets it off. It’s the result of a long history of backed up unhappiness between us.

I’ll be the first to admit in the past I have been unnecessarily mean, hurtful, and thoughtless. The refusal to forgive hurts; they can say they forgive me. But actions speak louder than words. They rehash the painful past, even if they say they want to let go. They do so because they believe the illusion that by rehashing their resentment, they will achieve the justice they believe they deserve. I don’t blame them for one minute. They hang on to perceived offences because they don’t know any other way of coming to grips with painful feelings of hurt. I want them to know that letting go is not for me, I’m not winning. It’s for them, a gift for them.

The Fear Of Freedom

Posted by

2

I will be honest; holding myself accountable still proves difficult sometimes. I’m still learning how to be responsible. Addiction is a pathway to destruction, and the last thing that it wants for us is freedom. Sometimes I feel like I am still walking blindly in things I don’t fully understand and it’s quite frightening. I still have the destructive thinking of an addict, I often have to stop and remind myself how far I’ve come, how much it took to get here, and how little it would take to get back. I can’t turn to instant gratification and impulse. I have to run towards my problems, however big or small, rather than running away from them. It becomes very easy to get caught up and overwhelmed with everything that comes along with getting sober. I’m going on 7 months of sobriety, it happens to be the longest I have been sober in the last 10 years. I’m only 23, and a lot of people look at me like I should be done school, I should have a career. Maybe, but I think things will fall into place as they’re meant to, when they’re meant to. It is ignorant to assume that because I was an addict that I have no goals or dreams. It’s an unfair generalization to anyone. And on the other end I have people saying to prove everyone wrong. Well to be honest, I’m kind of sick of what everyone wants to see from me, like I am supposed to progress overnight into someone they’ve always wanted me to be, just because I am sober. It’s hard to explain addiction to those who don’t understand, even harder to those who don’t want to understand. I almost feel guilty saying that I feel afraid, anxious, depressed, and alone. It almost feels undeserving because a lot of the people surrounding me simply don’t want to hear about it. Writing these posts help me more than I would’ve have thought, and the feedback is always appreciated. So again, thank you all who take the time out of their day to read what I write.