Alcohol

It Won’t Be Easy

Posted by

4

Just when you think you’re ready to move on, ready to start over, ready to make things happen, it all comes crashing down to test your limits, test what you’re made of and whether or not you’re able to handle it. So that’s it, one step forward, two back? I don’t think so.

Let’s be real, you’re tested at your weakest moments. Or at least it seems that way. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s just more noticeable when you feel weak. It can be extremely discouraging to feel positive and ready, and within a blink of an eye you’re down and out; again, a vicious cycle that seems to have no escape. Memories and triggers ignite without warning sometimes bringing you to your knees asking why, and reasonably so; to feel defeated and maybe even broken.

[because it’s one missed step, you’ll slip before you know it…]

Somewhere within, possibly deep within; it’s there, that thing that brought you this far, when you didn’t think it was remotely possible. It’s there patiently waiting to be found, to be reunited with the depths of your soul.

Change

Posted by

6

I’m sure by this point we are all aware that our minds are extremely powerful. The mind has a way of taking over and consuming in ways that are sometimes uncontrollable. You can go from one hundred to zero in the matter of a millisecond. You’re programmed and manipulated at such a young age to behave and react a certain way; what’s acceptable and what is unacceptable. But you are also shaped and formed by the actions of those surrounding you since day one. Every little thing that happens or doesn’t happen somehow someway has an effect. Well, developing an addiction when you’re a pre-teen takes a shift on your development mentally, emotionally, physically, and physiologically. It can cause countless damages in different shapes and forms from learning to motivation to pleasure. You generally become accustomed to the way you have looked at things and the way you have reacted to things; these habits are hard to break. If you have been nothing but negative for 10 years, to wake up one day and be positive isn’t easy. The mind has a funny way of playing tricks on you, of justifying, telling you one thing when you know different.

Personally; I’ve had countless arguments with myself in my head. When you are able to justify the unjustifiable, to make sense of the senseless, knowing full well right from wrong but you convince yourself anyway; that is something that was deeply and carelessly developed over years of drug abuse. It’s a trait (or whatever you want to call it) that a lot of us addicts have. It was easy to manipulate everyone and anyone, including myself. If I could convince others, I could convince myself too.

Breaking these habits has proven difficult, but like everything else; it’s a learning process, yet another stepping stone. So many factors I hadn’t considered have come out to play at random times in no specific order. I am learning and renewing daily, improving who I am and what I want. We all know that voice inside our heads, that voice that tells us, we aren’t good enough; but do we deserve our share of basic human happiness, are we good enough to be happy with who and what we are? I say yes. But it doesn’t matter what I say, it’s your voice; which means you’re the only one who hears it and you’re the only one who can fight it. I am no expert but it seems self-hatred and guilt accomplish nothing. It just stands in the way of true change.

Living A Lie

Posted by

4

I wasn’t sure what to do or where to begin; I didn’t know who I was, or how to feel, I didn’t know where I was going, I didn’t remember what day it was, or what happened earlier in the day. I was living a lie, nothing was real; it couldn’t be. Or I wouldn’t let it be, it didn’t matter which. Every waking moment I would get ready to be the lead role in the movie of my life, a movie that could not stop, pause, rewind, or fast-forward. Everyone in my life were just extras, they had no idea what was really going on. They didn’t know the demons I was holding hostage within, they didn’t know the skeletons I had buried in my closet. I didn’t even realize the severity of my actions at the time. I began to believe my own lies, nothing felt real; a lie isn’t real. I was a zombie, I no longer had emotions. You can’t effectively block negative emotions without blocking positive emotions too. I was selfish and maybe naïve to believe that the world would stop to wait for me to catch up to reality. I was gripping, holding on tight thinking I could get through this, past this before someone would notice I was using again. At a certain point I wanted to be caught, I wanted someone to walk through the door just as I was plunging the syringe into my hand. Then I wouldn’t have to keep up this act, I was too cowardly to own up to it on my own. I couldn’t bear the thought of disappointment and hurt my loved ones would feel to find out yet again I was on the highway of death. Was I really going to keep going until I found a bottom; again? Or even worse; end up dead? You bet. It was beyond my control, I didn’t know which way was which, up or down, left or right. Let’s be realistic, addicts can lie. Not only to you, but to themselves, and that’s exactly what I did. I lied to myself until I almost overdosed in the hospital.

As I write this, it feels like I am writing about someone else. In a sense I am happy it was me (as twisted as that sounds). But with my struggles I was able to become someone who I am proud of today. I have become someone I didn’t know I could be. I found things within myself I didn’t know existed. I can say I am content, I can say today was a good day; thing’s I haven’t been able to say in 10 years. For me, that’s huge. Another stepping stone on my path of recovery.

Isolating

Posted by

7

I think its okay that I am still isolating myself. I’ve done it for years now, maybe it’s because I don’t trust many people, maybe it’s because I am happy on my own with my own space to do what I please. Don’t get me wrong; I do enjoy going out here and there. Just most of the time I prefer to be alone, my room is my escape from the rest of the house and the outside world. As silly as it sounds, I can go in my room close the door and feel a sense of relief. It’s almost like I can take a deep breath and relax. I think it’s mainly because most of the time my house is very chaotic. It is never quiet, there is always someone yelling or fighting. More often than not there are people too drunk for their own good. And outside of my house, my group of friends has downsized to almost nothing. I’ve had to stop talking to a lot of people because I don’t trust myself around drugs. I do have my closest friend right across the street, which is good.

At the end of the day, I don’t think I am isolating myself for the wrong reasons, although it may sound that way. I am content being alone 90% of time. It’s when I feel most comfortable. It’s when I can relax, read, write, draw. It’s not like I have bad social skills or anything, I am quite capable holding a conversation, or making friends. I just choose not to. I have never had facebook, or any social networking type thing. This blog is the closest thing I have ever had to any of that.

I used to isolate for the wrong reasons, I used to isolate to get high by myself. I loved getting high by myself, and just enjoying all the sensations. I used to isolate because I was very depressed. Now it’s just because I am content. Maybe I am wrong, I don’t know. But I think everyone has different needs for social contact, some people hate being alone, some people always need to have someone around or to talk to. Some may assume that I feel lonely. But I don’t feel lonely and I feel I am engaging with others as much as I want to. I don’t feel depressed, I do suffer from anxiety and panic attacks along with depersonalization and derealisation but I have my whole life.

I almost feel while writing this, I am trying to convince myself that I am okay. But maybe I am just over thinking it. I know I struggle with identifying my feelings, and maybe I have created a comfort zone within my room where I feel safe.

“It Is Easier To Resist At The Beginning Than At The End”

Posted by

0

“It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end”

I got this in a fortune cookie a couple years ago. I’ve kept that little strip of paper to this day. I seem to notice it, or come across it at the times I need to tell myself those very words. Is it coincidence? I’m not entirely sure, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is, it’s a helpful reminder when needed most. And it’s true. It is easier to resist in the beginning than at the end. I thought I would share this, maybe it will be helpful for you too.

Relapse

Posted by

6

Sometimes relapsing is just a part of addiction. Habits are generally hard to break, whatever they might be. I think instead of looking at a relapse as a defeat, maybe it’s beneficial to look at it as a chance to learn, an opportunity. I don’t think it’s worth thinking that anything less than perfect is a total failure. It just leads you to think that you don’t have the willpower. Life is full of ups and downs, good days and bad; sometimes urges and temptations can come out of no where, without any warning. Small problems that may seem insignificant at the time can slowly build and eventually or suddenly push you over the edge. For a lot of addicts it’s not always how that day might be going, but maybe it’s a matter of hours, minutes, or seconds. Everyone is different and therefore everyone will have different ways of dealing with their circumstances. For me; having realistic goals helps me, thing’s I had forgotten about while being wrapped up in addiction. I am mending broken relationships with friends and family, enjoying simple thing’s I had lost. I haven’t relapsed this time, I don’t plan on it, I don’t think anyone does. But you never know what tomorrow has in store.

I figure the real celebration isn’t always the day you quit, or even the 5, 10, or 20 year anniversary. It’s every day, every hour, every second you are sober. And every day you get back on track after a relapse.

Every moment counts.