Depersonalization

We Made It

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9

“Ok. So what was it? Why did you hate being sober? Your childhood was good; you were never abused…maybe emotionally and mentally, but only a little. You had everything you wanted; you never went without. So please tell me, tell me what went wrong?”

I was looking for reasons, or excuses as to why I was the way I was. I wanted to believe there was a significant reason I fell off course. I wanted to blame something or someone for my actions. Even now that I am sober, I still look back trying to find something to hold on to, something that pushed me over the edge. But I was just a child when I started using; it is hard to trace those steps. The more I think about it, the more I try to make sense of the past, the more I realize that it’s me; it has always been me. I am the reason. I hated who I was, and I hated how I felt. Even if my parents said I love you or hugged me more, it wouldn’t have changed how I felt inside, even if there was no emotional abuse. It wouldn’t have taken away the anxiety, the depression, the depersonalization and derealization. It would not have mattered. I didn’t know how to control those feelings and emotions; I didn’t know how to make it stop. When I figured out drugs took all of it away, I felt comforted. I found a way to turn off my mind; I found a way not to care. There is generation after generation of addiction and mental health issues within my family. Whether or not that has impacted me; who knows? The point is I am the only one to blame. I have stopped trying to unlock memories, I have stopped trying to make sense of the past because I don’t think I will ever understand why things were the way they were. I am lucky to still have both of my parents in my life, I am lucky to have a great relationship with them. We are putting the puzzle back together a day at a time. It isn’t always easy, but we have been through hell and back and we’re still together. That has to count for something.

You Did What You Could

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5

“Has she tried getting clean before?”

– “I think so. But she has never lasted.”

“Well for the most part if she does try to give it up, she is going to feel awful, dreadful, and fearful to say the least. I mean really, really awful. She will think she is going to die, she will think she is losing her mind. She will be depressed, anxious, irritable, sleepless, and sick. She will hurt everywhere; mentally and physically. She will scream and shout at you. She will hate you. She will lie to you and manipulate you. She will probably get very aggressive with you.”

“Do you think you can handle that?”

– “I don’t know.”

“Don’t forget, this is important. Whatever feelings she has for you, they won’t be as strong as the feelings she has for the needle and the spoon. If you want to help her, you might have to lose her.”

Fear & Anxiety

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9

It’s hard to lead and live a fulfilling life when you’re constantly worrying. Worrying, anxiety, panic, fear; they are more than capable of consuming your life, making you feel weak and insecure. There is something that is paralyzing when you are invaded with worry; stuck in a battle within your mind, trying to find reason and understanding.

I never had to worry, I didn’t even have to think let alone fear. It was all manageable with drugs; it was easy to put thoughts away never to be heard again. The longer I am sober the worse my anxiety gets, it is a constant intrusion with no end in sight. It’s difficult to pinpoint the root of my anxiety and where it begins, or how it begins, why it begins. This is all new to me. Worrying is natural, we do it everyday. I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child, with drugs I was able to have it diminished.

I have been trying to figure out strategies to ease my fear and anxiety, it’s hard when I can’t identify my feelings and emotions well. I have been trying to pay more attention to myself mentally and emotionally. I realized I have comfort zones; places where I feel safe, people I feel safe with. Outside of this I seem to be in constant fear; of what? The only thing I am afraid of is myself.

I don’t want fear and anxiety to limit me from my recovery. It might sound weird but I feel as if I am mentally trying to ‘prepare to live’. I believe it is natural that I want to find a better way to live, but my fear is keeping me stuck. I am still vulnerable and with vulnerability come emotions; clearly I am not good with emotions. Everything is real, it’s too real. I mentally disassociate from reality without even realizing until I am in a dreamlike state, I have done that since I was very, very young. I need to learn how to process my feelings and emotions internally. I am tired of living in fear everyday; it is overwhelming and very discouraging. I still don’t trust myself.

I want to feel safe from within; at peace with who I am, at peace with my life. It’s not so much about my surroundings; it is more about me and what’s going on in my mind. A looming darkness still exists and it’s hard to see in the dark.

It’s just one day at a time.

Isolating

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7

I think its okay that I am still isolating myself. I’ve done it for years now, maybe it’s because I don’t trust many people, maybe it’s because I am happy on my own with my own space to do what I please. Don’t get me wrong; I do enjoy going out here and there. Just most of the time I prefer to be alone, my room is my escape from the rest of the house and the outside world. As silly as it sounds, I can go in my room close the door and feel a sense of relief. It’s almost like I can take a deep breath and relax. I think it’s mainly because most of the time my house is very chaotic. It is never quiet, there is always someone yelling or fighting. More often than not there are people too drunk for their own good. And outside of my house, my group of friends has downsized to almost nothing. I’ve had to stop talking to a lot of people because I don’t trust myself around drugs. I do have my closest friend right across the street, which is good.

At the end of the day, I don’t think I am isolating myself for the wrong reasons, although it may sound that way. I am content being alone 90% of time. It’s when I feel most comfortable. It’s when I can relax, read, write, draw. It’s not like I have bad social skills or anything, I am quite capable holding a conversation, or making friends. I just choose not to. I have never had facebook, or any social networking type thing. This blog is the closest thing I have ever had to any of that.

I used to isolate for the wrong reasons, I used to isolate to get high by myself. I loved getting high by myself, and just enjoying all the sensations. I used to isolate because I was very depressed. Now it’s just because I am content. Maybe I am wrong, I don’t know. But I think everyone has different needs for social contact, some people hate being alone, some people always need to have someone around or to talk to. Some may assume that I feel lonely. But I don’t feel lonely and I feel I am engaging with others as much as I want to. I don’t feel depressed, I do suffer from anxiety and panic attacks along with depersonalization and derealisation but I have my whole life.

I almost feel while writing this, I am trying to convince myself that I am okay. But maybe I am just over thinking it. I know I struggle with identifying my feelings, and maybe I have created a comfort zone within my room where I feel safe.

My Dreams Are More Real Than My Daily Life

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I’ve been having these vivid dreams of getting high. Sticking the needle in my arm, drawing the blood, the release, and that wonderful feeling, I can feel the high in my dream. It feels real. I can taste it, and I wake up sweating with awful anxiety. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to wake up. It feels good. The ironic thing is, I go most days with the feeling that everything feels like a dream and I feel like I’m in a movie and nothing is real and it’s scary. And then I go to sleep and have the most real feelings. It’s quite confusing actually. The methadone is supposed to stop the craving, stop the dreams. But I really don’t want to raise my dose; this is another crutch, another thing I have to get off of. I don’t want to be on it long term. On the other hand last time I got off of it I thought I was ready and I wasn’t. A bit of a predicament, but I’m not going to focus on that, I’m going to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. As for the dreams, they concern me. Not because I want to use, but because it scares the hell out of me. It reminds me why I liked it so much. And the fact that I spend my days feeling like nothing is real; I get the urge to do something stupid like hurt myself in some way so I can feel something. I know it might sound a little crazy, and maybe it is but it’s scary to me. And the dreams feel more real than my everyday life. I’m thinking I should go and talk to someone about this, but I can’t really afford a counselor or anything along those lines. So usually I come here, and I write. It helps, but for this I’m beyond confused and scared. The anxiety is eating at me, I’m afraid to go to sleep because I don’t want to experience the lifelike high, and at the same time I’m afraid to wake up because I don’t want to feel nothing.

Derealization / Depersonalization

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Have you ever gone through a day where everything seems like a dream? I remember this happening to me when I was a child. I remember saying to my parents that I felt like I was dreaming. I had started to check out from reality at a very young age, I just wouldn’t realize it till later on in life. I checked out from reality without drugs for a long time. When I found the drugs it made me feel good, really good. I could check out from reality a different way and I could feel great doing it.

When I kept saying this to my parents as a child over and over initially they thought I was making it up. I know it’s hard to make sense of something you simply don’t understand. Years later I would find out about a disorder called Drealization and Depersonalization

Derealization; A distortion in how the external world is perceived. Depersonalization; A distortion in how one’s own body and self feel. What can be more frightening than feeling as though you are detached from yourself? This is the central feature of depersonalization. It is a feeling of being outside of yourself without any sense of control. Some sufferers often describe the sensation as observing themselves from outside of the body. Other sensations of depersonalization may include:

  • Feeling un-human or robot-like
  • Feeling foreign or unrecognizable to oneself
  • Feeling invisible or unreal

Where depersonalization focuses on one’s sense of self, derealization focuses on one’s sense of his or her surroundings. Sufferers often describe the sensation of derealization as being in a dream-like state where the environment seems unreal, foggy, or hazy. Other sensations of derealization may include:

  • Feeling cut off from one’s surroundings
  • Feeling like being trapped in a glass bubble
  • Feeling like surrounding objects are unreal or cartoon-like

I’m not entirely sure how common it is, but I know a few people who experience the symptoms. I had related it to anxiety. It was too much to bear so I blocked it out the best I knew how when I was young. When I discovered drugs; it was just another way to run. It was another way to escape. Now that I am sober, I am still finding moments where this feeling is present. It can be anywhere from 5 minutes long to a couple days, and I’m not going to lie, it freaks me out. At least now I know what it is and I can make sense of it which means I can look within myself to see what it is that might be causing it. My biggest obstacle at this point is most of the time I don’t even realize I am thinking about anything, I have gotten so use to bottling my thoughts that I don’t realize that I stress myself out. For example, I thought I was going to die about a month after getting sober, 6 months ago. I was convinced. So I rushed to the hospital only to be told that I was having chronic panic attacks. It had gotten to the point that I didn’t even know that I was thinking, the thoughts are constantly running through my mind and I’ve become an expert on ignoring them. This is something I will need to work on, and part of that is finding out why I was checking out from reality when I was just a child.  I can’t go on ignoring everything because that would mean I am taking steps backwards instead of forwards. Like I’ve said in the past, live and learn. The learning part is the most important.