Learning

It Won’t Be Easy

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Just when you think you’re ready to move on, ready to start over, ready to make things happen, it all comes crashing down to test your limits, test what you’re made of and whether or not you’re able to handle it. So that’s it, one step forward, two back? I don’t think so.

Let’s be real, you’re tested at your weakest moments. Or at least it seems that way. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s just more noticeable when you feel weak. It can be extremely discouraging to feel positive and ready, and within a blink of an eye you’re down and out; again, a vicious cycle that seems to have no escape. Memories and triggers ignite without warning sometimes bringing you to your knees asking why, and reasonably so; to feel defeated and maybe even broken.

[because it’s one missed step, you’ll slip before you know it…]

Somewhere within, possibly deep within; it’s there, that thing that brought you this far, when you didn’t think it was remotely possible. It’s there patiently waiting to be found, to be reunited with the depths of your soul.

Change

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I’m sure by this point we are all aware that our minds are extremely powerful. The mind has a way of taking over and consuming in ways that are sometimes uncontrollable. You can go from one hundred to zero in the matter of a millisecond. You’re programmed and manipulated at such a young age to behave and react a certain way; what’s acceptable and what is unacceptable. But you are also shaped and formed by the actions of those surrounding you since day one. Every little thing that happens or doesn’t happen somehow someway has an effect. Well, developing an addiction when you’re a pre-teen takes a shift on your development mentally, emotionally, physically, and physiologically. It can cause countless damages in different shapes and forms from learning to motivation to pleasure. You generally become accustomed to the way you have looked at things and the way you have reacted to things; these habits are hard to break. If you have been nothing but negative for 10 years, to wake up one day and be positive isn’t easy. The mind has a funny way of playing tricks on you, of justifying, telling you one thing when you know different.

Personally; I’ve had countless arguments with myself in my head. When you are able to justify the unjustifiable, to make sense of the senseless, knowing full well right from wrong but you convince yourself anyway; that is something that was deeply and carelessly developed over years of drug abuse. It’s a trait (or whatever you want to call it) that a lot of us addicts have. It was easy to manipulate everyone and anyone, including myself. If I could convince others, I could convince myself too.

Breaking these habits has proven difficult, but like everything else; it’s a learning process, yet another stepping stone. So many factors I hadn’t considered have come out to play at random times in no specific order. I am learning and renewing daily, improving who I am and what I want. We all know that voice inside our heads, that voice that tells us, we aren’t good enough; but do we deserve our share of basic human happiness, are we good enough to be happy with who and what we are? I say yes. But it doesn’t matter what I say, it’s your voice; which means you’re the only one who hears it and you’re the only one who can fight it. I am no expert but it seems self-hatred and guilt accomplish nothing. It just stands in the way of true change.

Shame And Guilt

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I think feelings of shame and guilt are common among individuals struggling with addiction. The shame refers to feeling bad about myself. I feel weak, defective, and I feel like a failure, I feel like I have let everyone down; not once but many, many times.  When I feel ashamed, I feel that something is wrong with me, that I am less than others. And I’m sure this is the case for a lot of people in recovery, I know it will take time and effort to work through the shame and guilt.

I still carry extreme guilt, I feel bad about my past behviours. About things I’ve done, and thing’s I haven’t done. I’ve used people, I’ve stolen from loved ones, I’ve hurt, I’ve lied, I’ve conned; broken laws to get money to pay for drugs, I’ve been violent. I also feel guilty for not fulfilling my responsibilities and obligations to my family, especially when they may have needed me most. But the drugs were always more important.

I know I cannot go back and change the past, and even if I could I don’t think I would. Without my past I wouldn’t be who I am today, like I’ve said before; I may not know who I am, where I’m going or where I am going to be, but I am learning everyday, taking advantage of every moment. I am finding myself, and making amends in the process. I can start by recognizing my shame and guilt, I can be honest with myself about what I did or failed to do as a result of my addictions. I’m allowed to give myself time to feel better, without self-pity. But realistically and accept the reality that it may take a good deal of time to feel less ashamed and guilty. I can talk about my feelings, I can be there for those who wish to talk about their feelings. I can accept my flaws and limitations. I can try to make amends and hope for forgiveness. I can believe in the person I want to become.

Live And Learn

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You can’t learn from a mistake if you don’t admit you’ve made a mistake. We can learn from our bad decisions. Admitting you’ve made a mistake is a crucial step in learning, growing, and improving yourself.   The most important life lessons we can learn will be from the bad decisions we make.

People make mistakes on all different levels. It’s learning from them that matters most. It’s recognizing and unravelling, turning them into life lessons. If you don’t learn from them then you are likely to repeat them. Some mistakes are minor, some are lethal. It can hurt you and the people surrounding you. Live and learn.

I use to hate everyone and everything. I thought this world was a horrible place filled with horrible people. I didn’t care about anyone including myself. What was the point? Why did it matter if everything that happens is awful? I was miserable, and at one point I didn’t want to feel so miserable anymore and I learned to stop hating my surroundings and started to look more at myself. Maybe I was the reason I was full of hate, maybe I made my world horrible. It was true. I had a choice to go through life hating everyone and everything and attracting negative energy, or I could do my best to be a good person, to lend a hand out when it’s needed, to be a shoulder to cry one when needed, to love and to care for others and myself. I learned empathy. I learned to put myself in someone else’s shoes, and that made me see that everything and everyone wasn’t as awful as I once saw. I learned not to judge. I learned to be honest. I learned that this world is filled with beauty and sometimes it’s found in the ugliest places.

A Letter To My Parents

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Sometimes when we’re talking, I wish I could tell you everything I feel about you… it’s so hard to put into words the feeling of love and gratitude. But I just hope that your heart can hear what my words can’t always say. I love you. You’ve given so much over the years; it’s hard to find a way to say thanks. You’ve taken so much time and made so many sacrifices and created unforgettable memories for our family. I’m sure our past hasn’t been what you imagined it to be. It hasn’t always been beautiful. Some of it has been scary and painful and sad. But through it all we’ve grown with joy and courage and hope and although we don’t have as much time together as we did when I was little I can still look into your eyes and know that you love and care about me and just knowing that gets me through the day. It’s hard to believe I’ve grown up so quickly; definitely not a little girl anymore, and there’s so much pride in having parents like you.
Dozens of memories crowd into my mind of wonderful, growing –up-years of mischief, adventures, decisions, and dreams of laughter and tears. Some people mean so very much and no one could mean more then the very special parents that this letter is for.
I just wanted to finally take the time to thank you and show my appreciation that I know you don’t always see. I know you feel I take things for granted and maybe sometimes I do, but I do know and realize just how lucky I am. I do appreciate every last bit. Thank you.

Love always, Crystal xoxo

 

The Old Me; The New Me

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The old me says “this isn’t for me. This is what I don’t do, don’t like, don’t want to be involved with.” And the new me? Well, the new me is only just being established. The new me hasn’t been around long enough to assert itself with confidence, backed up by years of precedent and experience, the new me says, “I am not so sure that I still feel what I once felt.”But it is humble and faltering. Even so, the new me has the weight and power of my future on its side. And that counts for far more than the past.

I deserve a better, brighter future. Why shouldn’t I have one? What stands in the way? Just possibility, the greatest, if not the only obstacle, might be my own idea of what a better, brighter future might be like. I’ve got a clear view of how I would like things to be. But am I seeing the only way in which things could turn out well? Am I ruling out some of the possibility which might prove just as satisfactory, if not significantly better? I have to allow it a little flexibility.

If It Doesn’t Challenge You, It Doesn’t Change you

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How easy it is to become tense and apprehensive. There is really no great skill or effort involved. Just consider a situation and then question it a little. As soon as you introduce an element of doubt, it begins to unravel like a sweater that has been pulled by a hanging thread. It doesn’t matter how carefully and cleverly key ideas have been knitted together, they will start to unravel just the same. So what’s the solution? Avoid challenging anything, ever? I have no option now, other than to embrace challenge and change.