Mistakes

Shame And Guilt

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I think feelings of shame and guilt are common among individuals struggling with addiction. The shame refers to feeling bad about myself. I feel weak, defective, and I feel like a failure, I feel like I have let everyone down; not once but many, many times.  When I feel ashamed, I feel that something is wrong with me, that I am less than others. And I’m sure this is the case for a lot of people in recovery, I know it will take time and effort to work through the shame and guilt.

I still carry extreme guilt, I feel bad about my past behviours. About things I’ve done, and thing’s I haven’t done. I’ve used people, I’ve stolen from loved ones, I’ve hurt, I’ve lied, I’ve conned; broken laws to get money to pay for drugs, I’ve been violent. I also feel guilty for not fulfilling my responsibilities and obligations to my family, especially when they may have needed me most. But the drugs were always more important.

I know I cannot go back and change the past, and even if I could I don’t think I would. Without my past I wouldn’t be who I am today, like I’ve said before; I may not know who I am, where I’m going or where I am going to be, but I am learning everyday, taking advantage of every moment. I am finding myself, and making amends in the process. I can start by recognizing my shame and guilt, I can be honest with myself about what I did or failed to do as a result of my addictions. I’m allowed to give myself time to feel better, without self-pity. But realistically and accept the reality that it may take a good deal of time to feel less ashamed and guilty. I can talk about my feelings, I can be there for those who wish to talk about their feelings. I can accept my flaws and limitations. I can try to make amends and hope for forgiveness. I can believe in the person I want to become.

Live And Learn

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You can’t learn from a mistake if you don’t admit you’ve made a mistake. We can learn from our bad decisions. Admitting you’ve made a mistake is a crucial step in learning, growing, and improving yourself.   The most important life lessons we can learn will be from the bad decisions we make.

People make mistakes on all different levels. It’s learning from them that matters most. It’s recognizing and unravelling, turning them into life lessons. If you don’t learn from them then you are likely to repeat them. Some mistakes are minor, some are lethal. It can hurt you and the people surrounding you. Live and learn.

I use to hate everyone and everything. I thought this world was a horrible place filled with horrible people. I didn’t care about anyone including myself. What was the point? Why did it matter if everything that happens is awful? I was miserable, and at one point I didn’t want to feel so miserable anymore and I learned to stop hating my surroundings and started to look more at myself. Maybe I was the reason I was full of hate, maybe I made my world horrible. It was true. I had a choice to go through life hating everyone and everything and attracting negative energy, or I could do my best to be a good person, to lend a hand out when it’s needed, to be a shoulder to cry one when needed, to love and to care for others and myself. I learned empathy. I learned to put myself in someone else’s shoes, and that made me see that everything and everyone wasn’t as awful as I once saw. I learned not to judge. I learned to be honest. I learned that this world is filled with beauty and sometimes it’s found in the ugliest places.