This wasn’t a feeling that fits into any category. This is a feeling that lingers. It will morph into different things. It will ebb and flow, rise and fall like tides. It will evaporate with the sun, then fall back down as rain.
Vulnerability
Ignorance Is Bliss
“Ignorance is bliss,” or so they tell us. But that is not true. Ignorance is vulnerability. Ignorance is deprivation, despair and depression. It is the inability to recognize precisely what you need, even when it is staring you in the face. Ignorance allows you to be robbed of something precious without realizing. Ignorance is judging something before you understand it.
Sometimes wanting to start again with a clear slate isn’t enough. Sticking with how things used to be, you may miss out on a wonderful opportunity. Perhaps sometimes you think that you’re not hanging on. It’s the past that won’t let go of you, or maybe you won’t let go of the past. But for as long as you aren’t sure how far into the future you want to tread, irrelevant issues can continue to distract you from important things by disguising themselves as vital factors… Just a thought.
Vulnerability
Feeling emotionally defenceless is probably one of the worst feelings I have personally ever experienced. Sometimes it happens out of no where like a slap in the face. ‘Here, now you’re defenceless; let’s see how much you can take before you crack.’ Maybe its part of being vulnerable, you feel mentally and emotionally naked; exposed. Vulnerability doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. Yes, it can be exceedingly uncomfortable at times; it can make you feel weak, alone, anxious…just to name a few. I think it becomes scary because you have to be okay with all of you, revealing not only the good but what you deny or keep hidden from other people. We all do this to some extent, I’m sure no one has ever said “I love that I’m so insecure.”
I would think most of the time we experience vulnerability it’s by default, not by choice. It becomes difficult to consciously choose to be vulnerable and rightfully so. It’s frightening to show people our genuine selves, there is always the possibility of being rejected or misunderstood, and there is a chance you will find out things about yourself that you didn’t know existed; good or bad.
Most people who experience addiction keep using for many, many reasons but one main reason is because they aren’t happy with anything including themselves. They hide behind a substance because it’s easier, because they don’t have a choice anymore. They become vulnerable by default and it never ends well.
I am consciously choosing to be open and honest, day by day; consciously choosing to be vulnerable. I am no longer afraid of rejection, I am not afraid to fail. I have come to realize that I don’t have to love all of me to be happy, although it helps. But all those things I don’t love are changeable, manageable. This blog has become my vulnerable me and I love it. I love knowing that I am hiding nothing and telling all for everyone to see. Every time I write, I learn something new about myself; I realize that I am making progress in more ways than one. It helps in my day to day too, I am not afraid to be me. Whether or not people like it, it doesn’t matter. I am happy with who and what I am, I know what I want and I’m pretty sure I know how to achieve it. That is something I have never been able to say and it feels great.
Dreams Dissolve 