He said You had talked to him, telling him what to do and what must he become….

 

If that is true, what I really am? If I continue to love him, to be with him… will I be Your ungrateful competitor who will surely lose? Will I be Your plan-wrecker? Can I be called a devil’s instrument? or one of the worse creation on Earth?…

 

Yes, I don’t forget that I’m not perfect. I’m a big sinner. I haven’t done enough to be called as worthy Christian. I don’t have a saint-like attitude. I didn’t follow you consistently…

 

Despite my blemishes, I hope you also see that I’ve been striving hard to be a better person.. to be closer to you… to honor you… But are all my iniquities are bigger than my goodness for me to deserve a deep pain like this?

 

I may be wrong in loving him. I know what he may be leading to but I still plunged in the lonely sea. But I also want to tell you I did not plan this, I did not intent this and I don’t want to be your villain. I’m not perfect but I am somehow a good person. I don’t really want to be in this situation… I just sinned as I didn’t know how to stop this foolishness. My love for him is too strong to dispel.

 

I know I must love you more than anything else, that’s why I was hopeful despite my doubt and anxiety… All my life I’ve been waiting for someone to love me, convincing myself that there is truly someone you have in store for me. I come to believe that since I’ve waited this long, You would really save the best for last… but why is it I bumped into him?.. someone who strongly believe that You told him to serve You in a way that hurts me extremely!

 

Am I just the one to be blamed in this situation? How will I stop? How can I stop? How to let go of someone who has been tattooed in my heart and soul. He’s too precious to lose. When I fell in love with him, I knew at that very moment he would be someone I will love for the rest of my life.

 

Will You also talk to me? Please tell me what is that terrible sin I committed to be punished like this? How can I make it through each day feeling like a living dead! I’m begging you to please be fair! If it’s true that You won’t give him to me, would you please utterly take him out of my mind… my system… and most of all, from my heart!

 

I’m sorry if I feel bad, if I have said disappointing words… I’m sorry if I sound demanding and impatient… It’s just so difficult to think well, to act well, to speak well when I’m overwhelmed with pain and misery.

 

I don’t want to be your rival forever… I’m tired of being a loser… so Please, have mercy on me… Kindly remove up to the last drop of my love for him now… (–,)