Son of a green wind. Bitch queen of the toilet bowl, Your gonads are like fantastic maracas. You smell of Kurdistan And your intellect is somewhere between medieval And a cabbage Stalk That has been left to populate A regimental latrine. Mix that with your eyelids! Fetid parachutes of flesh Adorn your scrofulous physique. Your […]
Author Archive | Michael Spring
Review Copy
When I picked it up, His manuscript smelled Strongly, of fish. That, he said, must be All the carping criticism
Answers to Last Month’s Quiz
Here are the answers to last month’s quiz. Some of you found this challenging. The million dollars is still unclaimed. 1. The gall bladder of an egret. 2. While skiing in the Alps (specifically, in G sharp minor). 3. A trick question! You probably answered “an oil-based compound and morphia combined,” but the actual answer is every Pope […]
Obituary for Vana Van Vama: Film Actress
Vana van Vama was born Mucha Laya, in the small town of Tapas, in the west of Argentina. While in her early teens, she was placed under the tenor, Roderiguez, an experience which she later described in her autobiography, “Virgin on the Rocks”, as ‘formative’. It was Roderiguez who memorably cast her as “The Angel” […]
Rejection and Acceptance: As Dealt with by a Poet
REJECTION I received today, your rejection notice Together with the copy of your So-called magazine. Tell me, which of your contributors Are you sleeping with? All of them I suspect, from The quality of your lacklustre journal. I’ve looked at the fiction section And Dickens it ain’t. As for the poetry, I can only imagine […]
It’s a Dog’s Life
God knows, ruling can be difficult enough Without the continuous shouting (“What news on the Rialto?!”) The flooded streets, The artists perpetually petitioning commissions (“My ceiling is done already, Tintoretto, And, yes, I like it white.”) Not to mention the possibility of being Stabbed in error by a moody Moor, Or dismembered by a wizened […]