B. Bradley Bradlee, roving ambassador and newspaperman, attempted to pitch a human interest story two months ago about a candidate seeking a nomination for the Irish Presidency thru the county council route. It was nixed on the grounds that the candidate wasn’t human. But, following recent developments, Oscar de Bruscar is trying to gin up some momentum so we’ve allowed Bradlee his head on this.
Oscar de Bruscar is not your typical candidate; he’s of no party or clique, in the best tradition of the Atlantic Monthly. Also he’s a wheelie bin with googly eyes.
This posed some problems for him in August when it was suggested by Kerry County Council that he didn’t meet the eligibility criteria for a Presidential nomination as he was not 35 years old. He indignantly informed them that in fact he was in part 35,000,000 years old as he was made from petroleum products. Asked at the time where he stood on the issues, he stated he stood squarely on his own platform, but had two wheels. As he elaborated this made him uniquely responsive to voters, the will of the people can literally move him from one position to another. He has since admitted it also makes him susceptible to strong winds, Storm Amy being a right bastard in his own words, that left him on his side overnight until a campaign staffer noticed his plight.
But what are de Bruscar’s positions on the issues that matter? When asked his opinion of Vladimir Putin’s brutal campaign of conquest in Ukraine, and whether he believed that Putin was a man more sinned against than sinning, as a rival candidate seems to believe, de Bruscar replied “A man who throws people out windows, clearly has issues”. This was the first of many gnomic statements delivered in his imitation of the voices of Christian Bale, Bruce Willis and Keanu Reeves. Some people might think that his penchant for paraphrasing quotes from old movies was exasperating. [Editor’s note: B. Bradley Bradlee for one, it seems!] But de Bruscar hotly defended his actions. He said it was merely an expression of cultural affinity; participating in recycling of old material, and being recycled himself, he was drawn to the Hollywood recycling scene.
de Bruscar was at pains to point out that it also didn’t matter what his opinions were on any political positions because the Presidency has no actual powers, beyond the occasional refusal to rubber stamp a document; which he described as less useful than the 1910 House of Lords two-year delaying veto. A President who cannot initiate or implement policy must, perforce, be elected for their personality and probity, and, de Bruscar noted, this is where he comes into his own: he doesn’t owe people money, isn’t married to a sectarian, and hasn’t cosied up to mass murderers. His presidency, he said, would be one of amiability. Children and small animals already adore his googly eyes. On this stage he would be the toast of Europe with his visible commitment to net zero and physical incarnation of the national colour.
There are less than two weeks left until the election, three names on the ballot paper, and one candidate fallen on his sword. Can this uncertainty be de Bruscar’s opportunity?
B. Bradley Bradlee is the fictional editor emeritus of The New York Times. He is a contributing writer for the German weekly Die Emmerich-Zeitung.
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