Some of you have written about how fibro takes you from yourself. Everything that you define yourself as becomes something you can no longer incorporate into your life. These can be seemingly simple things like a love for reading but they can also be be chunks of your actual character, creativity, strength, independence. All of these things get lost in the sea or Dr.’s appointments, fibro fog, pain, and self care. For many fibro warriors we suffer from “secondary depression”, a deep grieving for what we have lost, a fear of what we must conquer and the hopelessness of the fact that there is no end in sight. To cope with this depression we must find ourselves again, find our purpose and passions, and honor our strength.

For me however, depression was not secondary. Depression has always been there. Getting stronger as each day passed. As a child I was melencholy and fearful of everything but I still had passions, there were hopes and dreams, however small. I liked math and reading, I wanted to be a massuese, and I loved greek mythology. As I got older the depression deepened but I still had a few interests, psychology, sex ed, and gender issues. But ask me what I wanted to do with my life and I didn’t really care. I had answers. Go to the college my dad did. Learn psychology, have a beautiful home office, a Victorian house with a window seat to read in. That was the only exciting part by that time, a window seat to read in (that still excites me). My interest in sex was powerful of course but I had no idea what legitimate professions that could lead me to. My depression and interests continued this way, getting more and more depressed and losing interest in more and more things. Until this past year, I didn’t care about anything except my husband, previous interests only registered slight acknowledgement, and my depression having reached a point where for years suicidal ideation had been the norm and was nothing to worry about. The problem is, how do you know who the fuck you are after a life time of your brain telling you everything sucks? All your thoughts are negative, all your interests have slipped away and in your mind the only reasonable use of your energy is to think about how terrible absolutely everything is and how you can make things suck just slightly less. This means you don’t actually form real opinions of anything besides “that’s stupid” or “a waste of time”. And there’s nothing you like to do. How do you define yourself when you hate everything? Especially when you have fibro and have to add in “I couldn’t do that if I wanted to”. Not to mention you definitely wonder whether it’s worth any energy to do anything for your shitty self. I have used an account with a version of ” I Miss Me” as a screenname since I was 12 years old. Every few years after that I would see that screenname and think “gee, I don’t even know the person that was missing whoever I was then”.  How many stages of self loss have I gone through because of my depression? Could there really be any bit of me left after all this time? With fibro could I even be the same I was or would that person not fit anymore?

My depression is being treated very effectively for the first time in my life. I have also begun treatment for my fibromyalgia that has been an amazing improvement. Now, suddenly, I want to absorb the entire world. I want to learn and do everything I can get my hands on. It doesn’t feel like there are enough hours in the day. I want to learn and do it all now. It’s so much that I keep checking to make sure my medication hasn’t made me hypomanic. But I’m not, as much as I wish I could stay up forever to do it all, I wear myself down and sleep as best I can, for hours. What I’ve realized though is I never lost who I was. I just tucked it away to protect it from the depression. Now I get to meet who I was when I was 12, who I am with fibro and every single person I was in between.

The problem now is realing it in. I have so much to learn and think about it feels like there isn’t enough time. I regret everything I passed up on the way to this point.I get a bit of anxiety realizing I can’t read the whole newspaper, practice my math skills, play boggle and increase my vocabulary, watch educational programming, read every blog I want, catch up on twitter and everything that it points me to, watch various informational YouTube videos, socialize and make new friends, learn how people communicate face to face, start new hobbies and do all of my daily self care activities and chores all in one day. So right now I’m practicing just slowing everything down. Last night we went back to the gym for the first time in like four months. My rhuemetologist had given me a handout about exercising with fibro, it said to start low and go slow. She recommended starting with five minutes of time on the elliptical, 5 minutes of cardio. Are you kidding me? Why am I at the gym? But I did it, even though I felt so stupid. I did some stretching, that doesn’t normally trigger me at all. I picked two of my easier physical therapy excercises and I did my five minutes of cardio. I’m so proud of myself for how well I took care of myself yesterday and everything I else I accomplished. I’m keeping track of my workouts as the rhuemetologist recommended so we can see what works and what is maybe too much. This is my list –

I’m so proud of the progress I’ve made in myself. I never thought I would make it to this point.

I have been doing a bit better again. I think all the work I’ve been doing in EMDR helped me get out of my intense depression faster than I would have, insanely faster. I was only suicidal for maybe a day.  I am still a little down, our lives have completely fallen apart after all.  However, it seems as if for the most part my mood is entirely reasonable given our circumstances. Although I am still amazed and grateful at the improvements that have come from my therapy and medications, so I am feeling everything as I should.

I have been a little busy trying to do more of all the things I haven’t been able to do or enjoy in a long time. Most days writing and reading blogs is on my to do list but with so many other things I keep running out of time. I’ve spent most of my time doing chores almost regularly instead of letting dishes or laundry sit for weeks, socializing with friends and even reading a whole book.

But every day I think of you guys here on WordPress and wonder how you’re doing, I wonder if you have had any improvements or if you have met more challenges. I want you guys to know how I’m doing. It’s a small group so far because I can’t manage much more, but those of you I follow and interact with have become my friends. So know when I’m away for a week or so at a time that I still think of you and even if I’m not here to say it I care about you.

My biggest issue recently has been fibro fog. It’s so hard to keep my thoughts straight and find the right words. My head starts spinning trying to hold onto thoughts. It makes me either angry or anxious. I’ve started just writing everything in my head down when that happens; Even if it’s not a “to-do” type item, just so I can address each thing somehow and stop chasing things around my head. It’s been working very well, I recommend it if you get the same head spinning fog. Writing things down, seems so simple right? Lol.

I wrote a list today and it didn’t help much. There’s more on my list than I feel like I have spoons for and that made me a bit sad. Then I realized I was writing this list after going to the foodbank (insanely exhausting) and cooking a real breakfast for me and my husband. So maybe it’s not so bad that my list seemed like a lot. The problem is that I have been thinking that it’s possible to get back to work soon and as I looked at my list I realized I’m still struggling with basic self care (sad again). I have been trying really hard to be consistent with showering, brushing my teeth and keeping my piercing clean but haven’t completely succeeded, improved yes,  succeeded no. And I wonder how I could work if I can’t shower and brush my teeth regularly. I mentioned this to my husband and he pointed out those things are hard to do without motivation, like a job to go to. But really I’d like to shower and brush my teeth daily and have that just be a normal thing that happens as opposed to a struggle.

My husband helped me decide what I should focus on off my list today,  we checked the important ones. Oopsie,  wasn’t supposed to blog today.