No one is really beautiful.
I’ve been roaming the Blogger world here recently and realised one thing…I NEED A SIDEBAR!!! ICK! How can I post links to the things I see and experiance and enjoy when you CANNOT GO AND OOGLE THEM?! I think I will make one.
Yesh
I will…
and it will be mine, My precious….
Last few I went to (because my lazy butt won’t post a side bar, I can feel it..))
Drama Queen Chronicals
La la la la la lemon (Everyday Lunasea)
Science Fiction Twin
AND THAT MY PEOPLE…is about it…
don’t be fooled, don’t be flattered…it’s not like you ever mattered
I HATE SATERDAY MEETINGS. JEZEY CREZEY!! man can they think of a DIFFRENT WAY to torment people!?!?!? Today was my freaking off day. I felt like Dante fromClerks. “i wasn’t even supposed to be here today!”
Anyway, Hugh finally guessed my bra size. YEAH! …………. so break out the cake and FREAKING icecream gumby… I’m so sick of these boobs…the dicks I work with, not the ones that are attached to my chest, I like those, they’re amusing… I’m so not the sales person. I want to help and talk to everyone. I’m sorry, but forcing people to buy crap or you’ll not shut up isn’t my idea of good salesmenship. Sounds more like AOL actually. and I hate AOL. I worked for them once, and let me tell you…i felt like CRAP.
I talked to my freewheeling aunt today, she wants me to move to ATL if this job she’s got goes through. I want out of here sometimes so badly that my arms ache. LOL let me explain…
~sings~ someday I’ll flyyy awayyyy
Got it?
Right.
Anyway, I’m not too sure that would be wise of me, last time I was in ATL it was FUCKING HELL!!! DUDE I was so unhappy, I was losing my hair, I was getting fatter and WOW I spent alot of time on the computer.
Plus living with my aunt is hell. I can’t stand it. She’s WAY WAY WAY too into living other peoples life for them.
But it’s not like I’m angry. I love her. She only does what she does out of some twisted appeal to help. Its not like she MEANS to be overbearing, or mean, or just plain bitchy….I know I didn’t think she was like that when I was younger.
DUDE she hung the moon.
She was my hero, my one true love, my best friend, my sole mate, my kinderspirit… now before you get all Freudian on me, I didn’t want the woman in that way but I absolutly loved her in a childs all emcompassing and borderline insane way.
until……
One day, the chick that I thought was my best friend… (dude IF I EVER SEE THAT FEMALE ON THE STREET EVER EVER EVER I’M GONNA ….do nothing other than roll my eyes, prolly…) told my aunt something that really destroyed my love, right then and there.
I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness, so anyone of you who know anything about them (and not the crap that poeple lie about constantly but i mean if you KNOW…really KNOW…) being raised a Witness is hard. But I had made the comment that I belive in my aunt more than I belive in god. meaning… I looked to her, I spoke to her I could touch her and she made things happen, she made me feel loved and accepted.
But god to me at that time waas becomeing a concept that I was becoming confused about.
Well Iman told her that and some other stuff, like I didn’t want to be a JW anymore… and my aunts reaction? well… not so great.
PLUS my mom didn’t help me any with that. I’d written something like that in my Journal and when my aunt found out from Iman I’d torn the pages out and threw them away. My mom of course picked them out of the trash and read them and called my aunt and told her.
So …again… bad reaction.
It broke my love.
how sad huh? So now I don’t see my aunt like that, I see her in a diffrent light that’s tainted by those days. I adore her, but she’s just a woman. She’s just as human as I am, and just as fallible.
Your eyes are all wet now you know I’m lying, I swear I was only protecting your heart
Those days also started the beginning of the end as far as my days of being a JW. Now don’t get me wrong, I still hold alot of thier core belifes, and I still think that if you want to learn the BIBLE not a RELIGION you should study with a JW.
I did however leave because I couldn’t handle them. I was a super sensitive child. I was outgoing and obnoxious and I was full of bullshit and full of laughter, but GODS i was sensitive. I felt fat and ugly, stupid and clumbsy EVERY time I entered a kingdom hall. I felt like everyone was looking at me and finding me lacking, that nothing I did would ever make anything right.
I didn’t want to be there.
And I know it showed.
I was gulity for loving my life, the parts of it that didn’t reflect my mother or my church, that was narrowed down to just my art and my poetry. And after a while that became threatened. Not through my God, but through my mother’s comments that she made to seem to reflect what my god would be thinking.
Because the qoute from the Crow is so true. “Mother is the name of god in the hearts of little children” and though i wasn’t little, I think I feared my mother like I feared God.
But it made me rebel. OH YEAH I rebelled. I wasn’t changing my core for the JW’s I wasn’t changing my core for my mother I wasn’t changing my core. NO!
And that spurred me on, I was so rebellious, I didn’t speak to my mom, and you know..now i mourn that, she’s still alive and hindsight says that it was all temporary but at the moment… EVERYTHING I was unhappy with was bound up in my mother, in my religion.
But I didn’t talk to my mom about those feelings of being trapped of being confused of being scared… I was so scared sometimes, of everything, and at the time I didn’t know why.
But talking to my mother was TABOO. She had her own life and she’d been there doen that and basically sometimes i’d leave conversations feeling as if my worries and my life were so stupid so trite that I should just shoot myself now and put her out of her misery.
So I know now that it wasn’t like that at all, that the real world gets in the way and that sometimes you can’t see anyone elses problems because yours are SO DAMN BIG they take up the whole world. So I don’t blame my mome, I’m not angry at her over that. Life gets in the way…
but at the time.
yeah, it spurred on my feelings of resentment. BIG TIME.
I hated the world, and I wanted everyone who ever made me hurt, to DIE AND GO THE HELL AWAY. So I distanced myself from those who made up my everyday, and I ended up leaving the JW’s when I ran away from home the first time.
But when I came home…
Iman had told them I’d had sex, they knew that I was no longer coming to meetings, they knew I had run away from home. Well… they decided to drop inand preach me up. but you see…they never asked me if I’d had sex…the didn’t ask me anything.
Where had they been when I went to them for something for ANYTHING to know the world wasn’t as black as I thought it was? where was the intervention there?
I’ve never gone back. I would rather boil my head.
BUT when the end of the world comes and God sends a flaming brimstone from on high with my name on it, I’ll rethink my reasons, I’m sure. lol.
it may be the peace within the meek, or maybe the statement of the freak
Wow, that was one hell of a rant…
I don’t know how I feel about this emotion that came to the surface while writing that. I feel like I should call my mom. But I know that I’m prolly gonna get into an argument with her over something. all those built up resentments. I’m not mad for those days, but there are times when I remember the utter helplessness of those days. And it pisses me off.
Ah, the adult child.
isn’t she fun?
grrrrrrr….
a Clockwork Rabbit 