If I make this confession,
Don’t judge me.
I only did what I thought was best,
I swear
Finally heard from Bri/Bre/Brie/Briac yesterday.
I was ragging on her about why she took a leave of absence without FIRST GRACING ME WITH AN EXPLINATION.
Her goddaughter died.
I have never felt more like a heartless cunt than I did right then.
Briac (real name… damn, forgot I’ve called her Briac for so long now…) was so hurt by her goddaughters death. Her best friend had tried for so long to get pregnant and when she did finally have a baby … it was sick, just like Art’s daughter is sick.
I couldn’t breath, Briac’s voice was shredded from crying, she …
All I could think was “Jesus…oh my blessed Jesus.”
Briac can’t have children.
She lives through others lives. She adores MDKs and she absolutely DOTED on her goddaughter.
My biggest fear now is that Art’s daughter won’t make it.
I know that just because Briac’s goddaughter didn’t make it that it doesn’t mean that Art’s daughter won’t.
But Art and his wife tried so damn hard to have a child together. So damn hard.
The baby is always sick, Art’s given up working once or twice to take care of her. She’s not even three yet but she’s spent more time in the hospital than I ever will.
Art loves his daughter.
I wish there was a word stronger than love that I could use. There is this look in his eye when he sees her, a tone of voice when he speaks to her…
I’ve only heard that level of utter commitment once before.
It was at Art’s wedding when he told his bride “I do.”
When M. finally got pregnant and the DRs told her that she might end up losing her life behind this pregnancy Art went ballistic. I’ve never seen a higher level of panic in my life.
He couldn’t stop touching her, he couldn’t stop looking at her, he couldn’t stop kissing her.
She laughed it off, but I know she was just as bad.
Even when she was out of the red zone Art didn’t stop, he would pamper her and dote on her endlessly.
After the baby was born, and they found out what the complications were…
Art was overjoyed.
His wife was healthy and they had the baby they wanted, fought for, prayed for.
It stuns me sometimes how total idiots like me can breed like mad, but the people who could give this perfect love, have to fight for it.
Don’t get me wrong, I live for my children.
But some part of me could never see Art-ott, M. or even Briac having an utter and complete screaming fit over a messy room.
I am so awed by the level of affection that Art gives his family. I leave thier house feeling so warm and comfortable and just…wow. I never EVER feel comfortable around families. But I love watching them enteract with each other.
When I brought Briac to them the first time they took that little urchin in thier arms and made her a part of their family. She went over there last night to have someone to hold her and they did.
I feel so bad because I wasn’t there physically in Houston for Briac.
After she fell asleep Art-Ott called me and told me she was alright.
Briac is still really young, not even all that fresh out of highschool… but I didn’t know it effected her so very harshly until Art called me and told me that all the girl did was cry.
She’s like Unice, so totally independant as such a young age. These girls are so scary to me, they clawed thier way out of trailer parks and abuse to live alone and behind these heaven high walls… and they have no one close enough to keep the hurt at bay.
I’m just sitting here wiping my eyes over and over while I think of this.
It’s moments like this when I fear so strongly. Not because of boogeymen or what may happen to me and my walls.
But because alot of my friends have these amazing stories and they try so hard for simple things that are chaotic and confusing. Like happiness.
You can’t fight Hexate, you can’t fight the dreaming tree…and that scares me.
You can’t fight it. But it can defeat you.
I live in horror on days like this.
a Clockwork Rabbit 