a Clockwork Rabbit

we live on front porches and swing life away
we get by just fine here on minimum wage
if love is a labor I’ll slave til the end

I drove with my hands on the red leather wheel.
I drove with my eyes cast to the heavens and the winding snake of a road.
I drove with laughter trailing behind me like a chariot.

My new/old car named Horse begs to be driven faster than 95 on the highway….
I let it pull ahead.
I drive 110 on the straightaway… and after the 115 mark, I just stop watching that little needle… I just go.

I let the top down and I sing out the lyrics to songs that are only playing in my head.
Days like today, when the sun is on my shoulder and the wind is like wings battering on the windshield, when the startled rain parts before me… I don’t miss the loves of my life so very much.
I don’t miss the smiling girl with the chocolate hair.
I don’t miss anything or anyone.

I just catch my heart in my teeth and …. drive.

Kids at my side, they’re laughing at the streetlights… kids at my side and I drive so much slower… below the speed limit because my love is greater than my need.

But when the kids are abed…
I dream of the wind.
and of lyrics that thunder from my lips, mind and heart.

I dream of driving and of going so very far away… so far away that I can’t be touched ever again. So far away that the dawn becomes the dusk and the ocean’s hem foams at my side. I want to go so far… so far…

Just the music, the kids, my car and me.

You left me standing here
A long long time ago
Don’t leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door

I have little bursts of brightness and joy in my day. I’m constantly on the verge of either laughter or tears.

Sometimes the brightness hurts, sometimes joy lacerates.

I really need to watch the weather channel more

Can you believe I ONLY JUST NOW heard about the hurricane that hit Florida?

Thankfully Jim is fine, but I haven’t heard from Jonners or Mike.

Here’s to hoping you’re all alright babies.

Red hair with a curl
mellow roll for the flavor
and the eyes for peeping
can’t keep away from the girl
these two sides of my brain
need to have a meeting
can’t think of anything to do
my left brain knows that
all love is fleeting

I need a new blogger template, yo.
I’ve really fallen in love with gp’d’s blog that i created, so I think mine is going to echo that one.

Just so you know.

Last night I drempt that I was at a huge furry gathering, everyone was there, tiger was running around being the perfect host as usual. But there was a girl there who looked just like me. I had to gather my nerves to talk to her because she was so intimadating. She was surrounded at all times by people who wanted her attention. She looked frightening and cruel. But she was me.
Well, ok, not me. She had a few diffrences. She was alot more muscular than I, not only that, she was… mean looking.

When I saw her from the side she was a wolf or a bear, but I’m thinking she was a grey wolf.
Which scared me even more.

Finally I went to talk to her and she wasn’t so bad, but as usual with people who intimidate me I couldn’t find anything to say, I told her that we looked alot alike. When I told her that it became clear to everyone else that we looked just alike.
I took her to a mirror and then after a moment she could see that we looked alike. Her hair was wilder than mine, (i know that’s hard to believe but trust me, it was). She and I spoke for a moment, ending with me shuffling papers in my hands and telling her I was nerved out because I couldn’t think of anything to say.

Finally after listening to her talk and growing confused and jealous (because she fucking rocked) I asked her “What’s wrong, Tangela? Can’t you see yourself? Why can’t you see yourself?”

That freaked the fuck out of me and I woke up all stiff and jittery.

I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn’t remind me of anything
I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn’t remind me of anything
I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn’t remind me of anything

I don’t socialise enough.

I spent an hour at Tiger’s place and you have no idea how relaxed I feel right now.

I adore the hugs, cuddles, curls, smooches and jokes. I loved laying curled against ‘kaaah-zay’s’ side and listening to him speak. I loved having to support Donryu’s weight because he went limp after I bit him. I didn’t realise that I’d missed 4 so much (we told each other sorry) I teased Teegs and I taunted the new guys.
and the kicker?

people like me. How absurd is that? I found myself startled and shocked by people I’ve met only once telling me how fucking ‘cool’ they and thier friends thought I was, I was blown away to hear that I was spoken about when I wasn’t around… in a good way.
I was shaken and surprised. I found that I felt more… myself… for all of 56 seconds.

Longer than I’ve been myself in all this time.
It frightend me.

It makes me want to cry.

but that’s only because there’a cheshire moon in that black velvet sky and as always it reminded me of life before lies, it reminded me of two girls weeping to the sky for a diffrent life, for a new pair of souls. It reminded me of youth and freedom and how beautiful she looks when she cries. Her hair looked like spun silver in the moonlight.

I miss you cheshire.
I love you cheshire.
Please tell me what’s wrong.

The Unintentional Soundtrack

The compiled running list of song lyrics I’ve used in my posts…

1) Color Blind by Counting Crows
2) All Falls Down by Kayne West
3) Hero by Tantric
4) Do You Realise?? by Flaming Lips
5) She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5
6) Queston by Old 97s
7) The Asshole Song by Jude
8) Lullabye (goodnight my angel) by Billy Joel
9) From Your Mouth by God Lives Underwater
10) Rick James by Jude
11) Charlie Says by Jude
12) Dont Drink the Water by Dave Matthew’s Band
13) Gravedigger by Dave Matthews Band
14) Caress Me Down by Sublime
15) Tribute by Tenacious D
16) Roses by Outcast
17) Hey Ya! by Outcast
18) Lose Yourself by Eminem
19) Along Comes Mary by BloodHound Gang
20) Hey Montana by Eve 6
21) Kody by Matchbox 20
22) No Such Thing by John Mayer
23) Open Arms by Journey
24) Murder of One by Counting Crows
25) She Don’t Want Nobody Near by Counting Crows
26) Rabbit Run by Eminem
27) Tremble for My Beloved by Collective Soul
28) Eyes Like Yours by Shakira
29) Streets of Where I’m From by Old 97’s
30) Ragdoll by Maroon 5
31) The Boy’s Gone by Jason Mraz
32) Sleeping to Dream by Fiona Apple
33) Don’t you Think by Natalie Imbruglia
34) 99 Problems by Jay-Z
35) Hello, I love you by The Doors
36) Hyacinth House by The Doors
37) Indian Summer by The Doors
38) Whiskey, Mystics and Men by The Doors
39) All Figured Out by Bowling for Soup
40) Gone Till November by Wyclef Jean
41) Clumsy by Our Lady Peace
42) Clumsy Card House by Blue October
43) Come in Closer by Blue October
44) Inner Glow by Blue October
45) Hostile Apostle by 311
46) Green Eyes by Cold Play
47) Long Day by Matchbox 20
48) Come Undone by Duran Duran
49) Another Horsedreamers Blues by Counting Crows
50) Diamond Dogs by David Bowie
51) The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most by Dashboard Confessional
52) You Won’t Be Mine by Matchbox 20
53) Sometimes Jacks Rule the Realm by 311
54) Tiki God by P.O.T.U.S.A.
55) Shame by Stabbing Westward
56) Castles Made of Sand by Jimi Hendrix
57) Leave Me Alone by Natalie Imbruglia
58) Dosed by Red Hot Chili Peppers
59) Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
60) Fall to Pieces by Velvet Revolver
61) The Reason by Hoobastank
62) Almost Over by Limp Bizkit
63) Soul to Squeeze by Red Hot Chili Peppers
64) In the End by Linkin Park
65) Here is Gone by GooGoo Dolls
66) Gasoline by Seether
67) Dumb by Nirvana
68) If Loving You is Wrong by Glen Washington
69) The Impression that I Get by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
70) Megalomaniac by Incubus
71) Hey Man Nice Shot by Filter
72) Time is Running Out by Muse
73) Ne Me Quitte Pas by Nina Simone
74) Don’t Stand So Close to Me by The Police
75) Seven Days by Sting
76) Devil Went Down to Georgia by Charlie Daniels
77) The Very Thought of You by Nat King Cole
78) Fire Water Burn by The Bloodhound Gang
79) Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional
80) Looks like They were Right by Lit
81) All My Life by Foo Fighters
82) In Bloom by Nirvana
83) Black by Pearl Jam
84) Page Avenue by Story of the Year
85) So Long Farewell Goodbye by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
86) Until the Day I Die by Story of the Year
87) Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional
88) Vampires of NewYork by Marcy Playground
89) The Devils Song by Marcy Playground
90) Act Naturally by SemiSonic
91) She Spreads her Wings by SemiSonic
92) Brand New Baby by SemiSonic
93) Gone to the Movies by SemiSonic
94) Azwethinkweiz by Incubus
95) You never can tell by Chuck Berry
96) What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong
97) Grandma’s Hands by Bill Withers
98) A day in the life by The Beatles
99) Everybody’s got Something to Hide except for Me and My Monkey by the Beatles
100) Elenore Rigby by the Beatles
101) Miss you, Love You by Maroon 5
102) Must get out by Maroon 5
103) That’s not enought by Maroon 5
104) Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger
105) Behind Blue Eyes by Limp Bizkit
106) Push by Matchbox 20
107) The Very Thought of you by Nat King Cole
108) Shut Up by BloodHound Gang
109) Lush Life by Ella Fitzgerald
110) For the Good Times by Al Green
111) Oceans by Pearl Jam
112) Before these crowded streets by Dave Matthews Band
113) Put a Lid on it by Squirrel Nut Zippers
114) Hell by Squirrel Nut Zippers
115) She wants to Move by N.E.R.D.
116) The Dreaming Tree by Dave Matthews Band
117) Holloween by Dave Matthews Band
118) Arrivederci Roma by Dean Martin
119) Buona sera by Louis Prima
120) Corrine, Corrina by Big Joe Turner
121) Don’t let the stars get in your eyes by Bing Crosby
122) Dream a little Dream of Me Dean Martin
123) Houston by Dean Martin
124) All I wanna Do by Sheryl Crow
125) Sleep to dream by Fiona Apple
126) Take A Picture by Filter
127) Lets get it on by Marvin Gaye
128) I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston
129) Nature Boy by Natalie Cole
130) 45 by Shinedown
131) Saints and Sailors by Dashboard Confessional
132) Criminal by Fiona Apple
133) Suck my Kiss by Red Hot Chili Peppers
134) Bad Moon Rising by Credence Clearwater Revival
135) Black Jesus by Everlast
136) Slow like Honey by Fiona Apple
137) Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple
138) Kick some Ass by Stroke Nine
139) Washin + Wondering by Stroke Nine
140) 100 girls by Stroke Nine
141) One More Addiction by Natlie Imbruglia
142) We Don’t Care by Kayne West
143) Never Let Me Down by Kayne West
144) Spaceship by Kayne West
145) Mexican Radio by Authority Zero
146) Diamonds and Guns by Transplants
147) At Least I Know I’m a Sinner by Atreyu
148) Stars by Hum
149) Rexall by Dave Navarro
150) This Photograph is My Proof by Taking back Sunday
151) Getting away With Murder by Papa Roach
152) Numb by Linkin Park
153) All Downhill From Here by NewFound Glory
154) Walkie Talkie Man by Steriogram
155) Predictable by GoodCharlotte
156) Only One by YellowCard
157) Wondering by Good Charlotte
158) Boys & Girls by Good Charlotte
159) Movin’ On by Good Charlotte
160) Kissing the Lipless by The Shins
161) And Love Said No by His Infernal Majesty
162) 911 Is a Joke by Public Enemy
163) Burden in My Hand by SoundGarden
164) Day Tripper by The Beatles
165) Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles
167) Nightshift by the Commodores
168) Good Girls Don’t by the Knack****hurrah!!
169) Dust in the Wind by Eric Benet
170) Cell Block Tango from Chicago
171) Fair by Ben Folds Five
172) Sunday Morning by Maroon 5
173) Amphetamines by Eve 6
174) Strange Currencies by R.E.M.
175) Pretty Baby by Vanessa Calrton
176) Kitty by P.O.T.U.S.A.
178) Candyman by Spacehog
179) One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces by Ben Folds Five
180) Let Me In by R.E.M.
181) Feather Pluckin’ by P.O.T.U.S.A.
182) Damn by Matchbox 20
183) Busted by Matchbox 20
184) Life is for Living by Coldplay
185) You might Think by the Cars
186) The Day that I Die by Good Charlotte
187) You Can’t Take Me by Bryan Adams
188) Don’t Push by Sublime
189) Jailhouse by Sublime
190) Girl Eyes by Eve 6
191) Suicide Note by Johnette Napolitano
192) Love is Stronger than Pride by Sade
193) X-Girlfriend by Bush
194) Lullabye by Shawn Mullins
195) Ocean Breathes Salty by Modest Mouse
196) Walking in Rhythm by The Blackbyrds
197) Brillant Dance by Dashboard Confessional
198) This is the New Shit by Marilyn Manson
199) As Told by Ginger Theme by Macy Gray
200) Sign Your Name by Terence Trent D’Arby
201) Bullet Proof Soul by Sade
202) Clocks by Coldplay
203) Pale September by Fiona Apple
204) Bring me the head of the disco king by David Bowie
205) Amsterdam by Coldplay
206) We Don’t Need another Hero by Tina Turner
207) Mr Brightside by the Killers
208) Satellite by Dave Matthews
209) Killuminati by TuPac
210) For All my Niggaz and Bitches by Snoop Dogg
211) Surrender by Cheap Trick
212) Sheep go to Heaven by Cake
213) Oridnary by Train
214) Don’t Let the Sun Catch You Crying by Ray Charles
215) You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi
216) Fabulous by Jaheim
217) Nocturnal by Eve 6
218) The Crystal Ship by the Doors
219) This Photograph is Proof by Taking Back Sunday
220) When Doves Cry by Prince
221) Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better by Irving Berlin
222) Peel Off by Jin
223) Getting Better by the Beatles
224) It Wasn’t Us by Ludacris/I-20
225) Calm Like a Bomb by Rage Against the Machine
226) Say Anything by Good Charlotte
227) The Reason by Hoobastank
228) Why’s Everybody Pickin on Me by the BloodHound Gang
229) The Very Thought of You by Aaron Neville
230) Brilliant Disguise by Bruce Springsteen
231) Look What You’ve Done by Jet
232) Possum Kingdom by the Toadies
233) I Come From the Water by Toadies
234) Next Lifetime by Erykah Badu
235) Unwell by Matchbox 20
236) When the World Ends by Dave Matthews Band
237) On & On by Eryka Badu
238) Last Dream Home by Nancy Wilson
239) Natural High by BloodStone
240) As We Lay by Shirley Murdock
241) Cheaper to Keep Her by Johnnie Taylor
242) Beauty and a Thug by Jahiem
243) Blow It Out by Ludacris
244) We Are by Ana
245) The Night the Lights Went Out in NYC by the Ataris
246) Save the Children by Marvin Gaye
267) Oye by Pitbull
268) Inner City Blues by Marvin Gaye
269) Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now from Cat’s Don’t Dance
270) Hovi Baby by Jay-Z
271) Hoes In My Room by Ludacris
272) White Lines by Duran Duran
273) Body by Bush
274) Things Ain’t What They Used to Be by Duke Ellington
275) Harder to Breathe by Maroon 5
276) Must Get Out by Maroon 5
278) Miss World by Hole
279) Flowerstand Man by Dido
280) Naked and Famous by P.O.T.U.S.A.
281) Hover by Trust Company
282) Burnin Love by Elvis
283) Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto by James Brown
284) Pearls by Sade
285) Like a Tattoo by Sade
286) The Shot Heard ‘Round the World by Ween
287) Don’t Know Why by Norah Jones
288) Seven Years by Norah Jones
289) Come Away with Me by Norah Jones
290) The Sun by Maroon 5
291) Walk on By by Cake2
92) Banditos by The Refreshments
293) Somebody Kill Me Please by Adam Sandler
294) Revelation 22:20 by Puscifer
295) I Touch Myself by Divinyls
296) Leavin on a Jet Plane by Peter Paul and Mary
297) Jaqueline by Franz Ferdinand
298) Varuca Salt by the Umpa Loompa’s
299) The best deceptions by Dashboard confessional
300) Take me Out by Franz Ferdinand
301) The Dark of the Matinee by Franz Ferdinand
302) Silly by Patti LaBelle
303) this fire by Franz Ferdinand

((still in december of last year, but the slowness of the blogger servers is driving me and my typing insane!))

don’t fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun and the rain, we can be like they are
Come on baby, don’t fear the reaper
Baby take my hand,
don’t fear the reaper

I have no idea why I haven’t wanted to do any serious posting lately. I was sent a package from my estranged family. In it was a letter I’d written to myself from 15 years ago.
I wrote in French words that I can’t even understand anymore. I wonder how stagnant I’ve become, then I dismiss it. I’ve exploded in growth, I’ve dissolved in knowledge.

There’s always a price.

I’m adaptable
And I like my role
I’m getting better and better
And I have a new goal
I’m changing my ways
Where money applies
This is not a love song

After a series of serious discussions with DG and Navy I’ve decided that I will not be going to Houston.
I cannot force DG to come to ATL, she’ll resent me and my meddling ways and in turn she’ll make everyday hell.
I cannot fix DG if she doesn’t want to be fixed. After speaking with her for a while (and I use the term ‘speaking’ loosly, mainly I was waiting out her temper tantrum/screaming fits), it’s become clear that alot of what she’s saying is for shock value. I don’t know what to believe from her mouth.
I have the feeling that I’ll get to Houston and never be able to leave.
She was supposed to start packing and contact the real estate agent who just happens to be a cousin by marraige.
She hasn’t.
When asked she screamed “WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I DON’T KNOW ANY REALESTATE AGENTS!”
She says that when she put the house on the market for sale the first time (almost 2 years ago) the woman who lives behind her was supposed to be the realestate agent, but my mother (according to her) took the house off the market because the woman was doing ‘strange’ shit.
It’s impossible to have a true logical conversation with DG now.
I just can’t.
She’a accusing Navy and I of changing up the story/plans on her when each time we talk to her she tells us diffrent stories.
She never told me Navy wanted her to come down around thanksgiving, and she never told Navy that she’d agreed to coming back next month on the 8th with me.

I have wept and hidden and kept for examining myself and my motives on this whole fucking thing for too long.

I want to help my mother I want to help my mother I want to help my mother

and I love her more than I pity her

If I keep telling myself that
maybe I’ll someday believe it.

someday.

Sometimes I’m up
Sometimes I’m down
Other times I’m probably found
Somewhere between a pair of huge
Speakers pushed by vacuum tubes

I’m supposed to be going out with -nathan from work to see some band called ‘The Features’ tommorrow, and we’ll be going from there to Movie Night.
-nathan’s first furry movie night.
~snicker~

DG is driving me crazy.
just.
fucking.
crazy.

Stupid Cat Conversations…because I love you, idiot.

him: what’s wrong?
me: I don’t know, scabies?
him: you’re gonna see a doctor, right?
me: yeah, if it’s scabies.
him: you know good and damn well it’s not scabies!
me: it could be!
him: yeah, alright, I can see this happening. You’ll never get laid again if you have some sick pirate illness.
me: dude, that’s scurvy.
him: oh? well fuck.
me: apparently i won’t be doing that either! i’ve got scurvy scabies!!
him: you sea-dog, you