I was lost. I was lost. I was lost.

27 Dec 2009 4 Comments

by FilthyRotten in in a Blue October kind of mood, My Galveston

Today went to visit a local dog breeder. A dane breeder, actually. I was impressed, the breeder was down to earth and funny. Her dogs were beautiful and well bred, polite and exceptionally smart.

There was a 5 month old puppy there who was about the size of a grown Labrador. I might have fallen in love. I’m not sure.

Alas, at this moment I cannot afford a dog of such magnitude.

Instead I’m going to give time and help shovel gravel, scoop poop, feed dogs, and build kennels. I mean, I need another hobby outside of spending money, right?

So, Christmas. What was it like for me? Stellar. I  watched my kids ripping into their gifts like some sort of greedy, half mad, brain-eating-zombie and felt like I’ve missed teaching them some vital lesson.

Like. “Don’t be greedy, you’ll scare your mom?”

The Icklemas spirit wasn’t with your friendly FilthyRotten this year. I was Baahing the Humbugs left and right, I did the bare minimum of decorations and I’m looking at the status of the bank account with something approaching blind terror.

[sigh]

I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness and watching everyone else wind up towards Christmas was exciting. I was awed by the sudden good will and the music and the glittering lights.

Now, it just seems so tawdry and false.

Then again, what ain’t, dolling? What ain’t?

What do I want for the new year?

Well let me tell you quick before I forget.

I want a better connection with my extended family. I want my husband to actually reach out and realize how blessed he really is. I’d like to forgive, really forgive Diamond Girl. I also want to get out of the Gray Sky Funk. It’s hitting hard now, to the point where I pretend to take a nap or take a shower just so I can take a few moments and keep from weeping.

I thought I’d make it through this winter without the depression or the sleeplessness. I did really good though. Usually by November I’m a sodden, moody mess.

I just… Usually I sleep longer and longer through the winter, trying to keep the days as short as possible. I’ve tried to keep from doing that this year, I’ve also eaten a lot of oranges and squirreled away things to keep me busy and focused on the kids and Paul. I’m going to be joining a gym and a few knitting/spinning/hobby farming groups.

Sleep will not claim this depression. I’m going to work through it. See if maybe I make it through to February without an episode. Like right now. I can feel it creeping up… ready to drape itself across my shoulders like a cloak. So, instead of sitting here and listening to Gallic love songs I’m going to entice Paul to play Monopoly with me.

Your skin tastes more bitter with aging.

24 Dec 2009 2 Comments

by FilthyRotten in 7 loves of 7 lives

I’ve nothing to say…

other than…

I love you.

Merry Christmas and may our next year be blessed, bright, and more beautiful than words can describe.

Now the King is dead, long live the King!

17 Dec 2009 Leave a comment

by FilthyRotten in Faith, On Love, or whatever

So I had to restrain myself from posting this to Twitter… because I am addicted.

It’s Christians that make me angry to be Christian.

Here I am all wrapped up and comfortable in my faith and knowledge that God is Love. Jesus came to Earth to die for our sins and we have free will. The ability to make mistakes with the knowledge that with these mistakes, if unforgiven, we will be punished in some way shape or form. Sever punishment in some religions. I, however, don’t believe in Hell and think that Heaven is only for a few unblemished souls, not a free for all block party of goodness and weak tea.

Mind you, I do believe in the Devil and in evil and in Angels and the whole shebang.

But, what makes me so angry is… these same Christians who have read the same Bible that I have, that …I think…worship the same God that I do … and they should know..right?… that this here God we worship wants us to love our neighbors (ALL OF THEM) and to not judge others (any of them). Christianity is supposed to be about peace and love and love and peace and understanding and tolerance and just getting the word out.

But…oh my god…all these “Christians” who are anti-ANYTHING that they personally see as “wrong”. Be you gay, lesbian, black, interracial, non-christian, left handed…the list is endless.

Why? No place in the bible does God say “Take your picket lines and scream mindlessly at the funeral of a fallen solider who happens to be gay. Throw rocks at the black woman with her white boyfriend. Shoot the abortion doctor in the face while he’s out with his family.”

If these are sins then GOD will straighten them out. Our task is to love, to accept and to love. And yes, it’s a task…it’s an effort and it’s maddening. It doesn’t make you weak or open to being taken advantage of (if you’re smart. Love doesn’t mean stupid or blind).

I hate the actions of these people and they make me ashamed. I keep my relationship with God private but I still spread his Word and live through the faith that Without Him I Am Nothing. But I still love these people. I won’t invite them to dinner, but I won’t be petty or disrespectful either… unless pushed. I’m not perfect. Because if their feral hate is a sin then GOD will take care of it. Not me. And if my acceptance of other people no matter who or what they are based on their own merit is a sin then GOD will take care of me. One way or another.

To be honest I’m more afraid of how He feels about my cursing and matchbook temper.I don’t think he finds my “sense of humor” very funny either… [ahem] but, you know.

here’s my coldest shoulder

14 Dec 2009 Leave a comment

by FilthyRotten in in a Blue October kind of mood, in love on blogging, The Reluctant Gamer, The things I do

So we here at Camp FR run a DnD table.

We have anywhere between 4 and 6 members…typically it’s just the 4 of us who play.

At our table is:

The human ranger with a penchant for cartography and taxes.

The dragon born tank who’s finding god can be most misleading.

The goblin warlord who was once a prisoner and is now coming into his own.

The tiefling rouge who is the end all be all of everything selfish, self centered and vindictive.

Can you tell which character is mine?

You nailed it: Tiefling!

I love her supposed struggle. Tieflings are supposed to be conflicted between the errors of their ancestors  past and the upwards struggle to becoming civil and accepted.

Not so Molly. Yeah, her name is Molly. Short for Mollargamesh. Long for Mol.

She’s as bad and greedy as I ever want to be.  She’s got a more classic look… while I like spiraling goat horns I don’t like how the new version has them start right above the eyes. Molly’s horns are more like antelope horns that start further back on her head.

She’s got no conflict. It’s easier to be bad, because that’s what’s expected of her and the road to redemption has no rewards… save for at the end…and where’s the fun in that?

Mind you, she does good deeds. After all she’s in a party of heroes. But she only does good when it doesn’t hinder her in any shape or form.

I think I’m in love with this character.

Lonestar, where are you out tonight?

05 Dec 2009 1 Comment

by FilthyRotten in 7 loves of 7 lives, Clutter, in a Blue October kind of mood, rent-ovations

Once upon at time I rp’ed as a chick who would shift into a hyena. But something had gone wrong and the hyena was more Labradorean (I’m using this because I like the word, I’m talking about the dog, not the place) than savage beast. All lolling tongue, wide eyes, wagging of a stump of a tail.

I picked the hyena because of this pose. Dish ears forward, every inch of it’s stance is the very definition of  focused. It seems poised on the verge of  taking flight on those hoary little paws, mouth opened and a sense of wicked delight in those dark, predatory eyes.

I fell in love with the strange triangular shape, bloated belly and short legs. They run in a strange bound, galloping like horses almost…if horses were craving your bones to crunch.

That patch work coat, the sloping head which is perfectly shaped for keeping a look out while devouring someone elses kill.

My character’s were’s personality I tuned towards goofy, silly, loyal and fierce because I didn’t want to play the hyena as some slimy toady.

This really has nothing to do with anything.

So I’ve started picking out colors to paint the new house. It’s a style that I don’t know the name of yet, but I’ll get back to you on that. Just it reminds me of the houses that were built in the ’50’s that are so prevalent in the Dekalb area.

But…larger, more sturdy and wide open. It’s like those houses were shrunk down and distilled from this style.

The closest I’ve come to finding a style that looks like my house is the Brunswick – Aladdin Kit House

But even that’s not really it.

I’m planning on trying to bring back the 1920’s look in my paint choices and in my interior decor. The roaring 20s are my favorite era, but I don’t really know much about them other than the music and the fashion…clothing fashion that is.

Researching paint and fabric choices isn’t as easy as it seems. I BARELY have any idea on what the hell I’m looking for.  Mind you, I know it’s all going to come together in the long run.

Either that or be one hot mess.

We’ll find out!

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