a Clockwork Rabbit

Ethos: characteristic manner or spirit, either of a community, or individual. This is a word that indicates a certain “attitude” or sense of comportment towards others, and generally asosciated with questions of character or moral selfhood, where character or moral selfhood disclose a bond with others. {from}

I often refrain from blogging because I fear to hurt people’s feelings by posting my thoughts on one topic or another. I wonder though, how is that helping any damn thing? It Ain’t. That’s for damn sure.

I wonder if, as a society, we’re just too afraid of hurting other people’s feelings. Why? Because we’ll be seen as the bad guy? Because we’ll be seen as some sort of monster who doesn’t care about other people? Because they’ll sue us?

I’ve never been that much of a monster. I’ve believed in speaking my mind… even when it meant I’ll end up getting my ass kicked, becoming a social pariah, losing friends and lovers and the whole dramatic she-bang.

Who will I be true to, if not to myself? Does this make me selfish? I’m not rampaging around and smashing down the walls of people’s fragile mental walls… but I’ll tell you when you’ve fucked up and why I’m not going to deal with it.

I’ve had to fight, argue, cuss, and cut my way through a shit ton of situations (most that I’ve put myself into) and I know that it’s made me hard.  I take this into consideration when dealing with people. Sometimes.

I don’t bother explaining my choices if I don’t believe you deserve an explanation but I will handle you with kid gloves if I think you’re too frail to deal with me at my worst… to a point.

There comes a point when we, each and every one of us, has to just fucking grow up. Toughen up. Grow a pair. Fight back.

For every aspect of you, who you are, what you do, what you won’t do, what you believe, who you believe in, what you don’t believe, how you believe, how you walk, talk, pray, laugh, sing, FOR EVERY ASPECT OF WHO YOU ARE there will be 100 people who will hate you for it.

No matter who you are.

It baffles me, but it’s the truth. We’re cruel creatures, humans. We shouldn’t have to apologize for every inch of ourselves but we often find ourselves doing just that.

I’m sorry I’m not tall enough, skinny enough, funny enough, cute enough, ugly enough, fast enough, slow enough, pious enough, crafty enough, useful enough… for you.

And who are you? My boss, my parents, my peers, strangers in the street, people I’ll never meet…

And why do you matter? Because you sign my checks, because if you don’t approve you won’t love me, like me, be with me, have sex with me, laugh with me…

For every 100 people out there who will hate you for being you, there are at least 50 people out there who will give you a chance and at least 20 of those people will be your friends unconditionally… and of those people there will be 1 out of 100 who will love you IN SPITE OF YOURSELF. And what more can you really ask for?

You’re never gonna be prefect for everyone, and attempting to be perfect for everyone for every thing and for every moment is exhausting.

And who will you become? An automation with no soul, no heart, no happiness.

I’m not saying to please yourself without caring for anyone else I’m saying be that one person for everyone else. Love unconditionally and when people are just jackasses to you, let it roll off.

I’m saying that no one’s opinion of you matters enough for you to change who you really are. Change because you need to change. Change because you’re hurting people, change because you’re fed up with your life being the way it is. Don’t change because so and so says they’ll love you more if you’re skinner, sweeter, meaner, richer.

Change for you. And if you believe in God…. change for God.

In the end that’s all that matters- When the end comes and the last strains of music are playing who judges you? God, children, lemurs? You will be held accountable for your actions and if you changed who you are for Susie then do you think God or lemurs will look to Susie and say “what have you done?”

No.

Do what you will and harm none, as the adage goes.

There will be people who don’t like you no matter what you do.

You will lose friends no matter what you do.

You will disappoint people no matter what you do.

Knowing this… keep trying, if that’s what you want to do. But if you’re losing each and every time take a moment to step back and figure out what the hell matters to you more. Your happiness or someone elses? While you’re banging your head and screaming and crying about how to please them… do you think they’re losing sleep on you?

No.

[sigh] I live my life within rules and reasons. I’m a Christian but I’m not a door mat. I turn the other cheek but I’ll kick your ass the second you go too far. I have faith that God won’t let anything happen to me that I can’t handle. I also have the knowledge that if I get myself into a sticky situation that the All Father expects me to get myself out of it. I’m honest, I speak my mind, I try my damndest to not hurt people out of cruelty but I know there are times when the truth is nothing other than painful.I try to be a good person but I have oh so many bad qualities.

I think that’s a part of being all growed up.

Knowing where you’re failings are and knowing where you fit in to the world.