I do, I need a hug.
I have done it, I am moving and I am leaving everything that has dragged me down behind. I have broke my bf’s heart but this problems are killing me. I tried, but I am a part of this problems and I need to get away.
So here I sit, alone looking towards my future.
I’m losing myself. I’m lost in my emotions, my regrets, my sorrows, and other people. I know this and start therapy on Thursday, but I’m still hurt and sad and mad and jealous and lonely and unheard. If you care about someone wouldn’t you set yourself aside to give them what they need to heal?
A couple months ago my boyfriend saw me break down yet again over my relationship with my son and all the bs my bf puts me through and said to me I need a break and brought up him moving out for a bit, but I didn’t take him up on that then. Unfortunately his drug use and steeling my car to get high and his addict females that take my place while he’s off seeking his escape have gotten out of control and I am so turned off and mad and sick that I need away from him…from everyone. Want to know how fucked up things are? I got into his phone app and found pictures and videos of his high ass touching and Fucking nasty ass bitches raw, some in my fucking car!!
So he promised to move out when he got paid, was very understanding and respectful of my wishes and his fuck ups all that time, but on payday he decided I have to evict him. I am crushed and devastated. His reason? He doesn’t want to stay with his friends. Of course he doesn’t cuz he wants to get high and flop and he has too much respect for his friend to go to their house high. I am really starting to hate him. Why can’t I be selfish like him? Deadass, I sit here with an almost complete restraining order application and I can’t get myself to file it. I fucking care about him and don’t want shit to be like this.
I’m fucking pathetic and weak. I need to be alone, this isn’t me. I hate how I am now.
He may love me but this isn’t love.
I am an addict, I cannot deny it. Yeah I hide it, don’t always acknowledge it, hell sometimes u see it but don’t realize its my struggle.
It’s been about 15 years since the last time I used my drug of choice. Looking back those last few uses, though they were 1 time and to help me stay awake on the road, they were still relapse. Stimulants were my thing in high school/late teens. Caffeine pills mainly which I occasionally traded with other pills to stay up, not awake but high energy up. I tweaked so hard that in 3 months I lost 80 pounds. I smoked weed but it’s never really been a thing to me, take it or leave it, no craving for it though.
I am an addict, a sex addict. Yes, I AM. I struggle every day of my life with my sex addiction. I’ve never done a program or support group, just tried seeing limits and boundaries for myself once my son was born. I’ve been monogamous, single partner, for about 10 years, 5 years with a casual partner, 2 years celebat, and almost 3 years with my current love.
I am not doing well lately. My man is in active addiction, drugs, and using way too often now and we barely fuck and when we do I go unfulfilled. He has health issues which limit him to once a night, but we use to make it work for both of us, but drugs are ruining everything. It has been weeks, I cant even make myself cum like I need to anymore. I’m so frustrated! I dreamed last night that I fucked a random guy…this is a first for me in yeeears. I refuse to cheat, and though I may need to break up because his addiction is toxic, I refuse to dump him just so I can fuck someone else.
So here I sat tonight scrolling through sex addiction support groups. I finally found a telephone one and after an hour of struggling to get it to work (cell phone company charges/min) I downloaded Text Now and it worked!! I don’t know if the group I found is right for me, but tonight it really helped.
More to come as my journey continues.
I cant find an online or phone meeting that didn’t charge me per minute as tgeu are out of my plan area. I’m in the US help!
How did I get here? Seriously?!?! I love the fuck out of my boyfriend, but he’s done me wrong too many times. This last time left me feeling stripped of trust and I’m not seeing anyway of regaining it. Yes I know he was extremely high, out his mind on meth (he relapsed hard), but I also know it can happen at anytime in the future so where’s my security??? On top of all this, the same day I found out he did this my son’s dad chose to contact me for the first time in 16 years. Talk about a mind fuck!
For the past week I have been trying to process all of my thoughts and feelings but it’s sooo hard when I’m sharing a house with my bf still. Yes he’s a week clean, but he is not handling the fact I’m talking to my son’s father well, in fact his insecurities pushed me further away. It’s sad because I care so much for him and would never cheat on him but now I have to sneak in a text or 2 to my baby dad just to get this paternity test done. It’s too much. I feel like a teenager again.
I sat down yesterday morning (ok it was a week ago now, sorry for the late post) and really unloaded my feelings to my bf. I don’t know if he gets it all but I feel better, it made me feel so close to him…best sex ever yesterday!! Even after that though I am still distant from him cuz I know he will fuck up again soon. I can’t keep living like this with him. He did offer to do couples counseling and I’m all for it if it helps us both deal with our personal issues too. I know he had a fucked up life and it caused certain issues with him, sometimes I understand his issues better c than he does and we have a deep bond because of that understanding and acceptance, but there’s certain things I can’t accept in my life and it breaks my heart to think of leaving him.
Sex, I’m addicted. It’s my only true addiction. I’ve been addicted to sexual stimulation since I was little, I’ve confessed this already, but my first time having sex I was 18…that is a story for another day though.
Sex tends to completely dominate my life at times. From 18-21 (when I became pregnant with my son) I was very sexually active and with multiple partners. Becoming emotionally attached was hard for me, yes, the pork of being sexually abused at a young age, but I digress. If I’m not seeing someone then I masturbate, heck even when I’m seeing someone I’m self gratifying. I’m insatiable much of the time which is why multiple partners worked well for me.
My big confession tonight is that I have been denying myself sex with another person for going on a year now. It may seem insane, but it was a part of my healing process. I want more, a relationship that is a fit for both of us, to do that I need to be in control of my body and truly know what I need and what I can offer. It has truly helped and I feel like I truly know what I want and need from a partner. The problem is that things have become out of my control.
With my housing situation out of my hands, up in the air combined with a lack of income, I am spiraling mentally. I’ve been hiding in books. If it wasn’t for this blog I would be completely lost in my head ignoring my problems. As it is I’m losing myself to bdsm literotica and novels the past couple of weeks and seriously dehydration sets in each day. I can’t tell you how nice it would be to completely submit to a man or men so I no longer have to stress over my current worries.
This has never been my style, not 24/7 full submission. I know this is just me trying to escape this dragged out move and what I can’t control. I don’t know how to change this, but it’s getting old. Why can’t I throw myself into cleaning or some other project, why do I keep using sex as my escape, control in an uncontrolled state?
I won’t give in. No booty calls. No sex club (that’s a new thought I entertained). No more books. I need a new focus…
Finally Fixing Me 