depression

Drowning, leave me alone

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I’m losing myself. I’m lost in my emotions, my regrets, my sorrows, and other people. I know this and start therapy on Thursday, but I’m still hurt and sad and mad and jealous and lonely and unheard. If you care about someone wouldn’t you set yourself aside to give them what they need to heal?

A couple months ago my boyfriend saw me break down yet again over my relationship with my son and all the bs my bf puts me through and said to me I need a break and brought up him moving out for a bit, but I didn’t take him up on that then. Unfortunately his drug use and steeling my car to get high and his addict females that take my place while he’s off seeking his escape have gotten out of control and I am so turned off and mad and sick that I need away from him…from everyone. Want to know how fucked up things are? I got into his phone app and found pictures and videos of his high ass touching and Fucking nasty ass bitches raw, some in my fucking car!!

So he promised to move out when he got paid, was very understanding and respectful of my wishes and his fuck ups all that time, but on payday he decided I have to evict him. I am crushed and devastated. His reason? He doesn’t want to stay with his friends. Of course he doesn’t cuz he wants to get high and flop and he has too much respect for his friend to go to their house high. I am really starting to hate him. Why can’t I be selfish like him? Deadass, I sit here with an almost complete restraining order application and I can’t get myself to file it. I fucking care about him and don’t want shit to be like this.

I’m fucking pathetic and weak. I need to be alone, this isn’t me. I hate how I am now.

He may love me but this isn’t love.

Quick update, it’s good

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted, the job is going great! I’m about 3 months in and am already working as cashier and now the customer service desk (returns, returns, returns). I am also a go to when it comes to those shady customers trying to scam us for gift cards, I love to make their transactions difficult 🙂

Things are going well and I’m ready enjoying having money to spend, maybe a little too much. I’ve splurged a bit each check. New patio table, pictures for the house, clothes, even a kitchen garbage can…it feels great. I’ve even managed to put money away for car repairs and vacation, but what makes me feel the best is sending money with my son when he’s out with friends. 

The only thing that bugs me is that my son is home so many nights alone. He’s been spending time at his aunts and friends and it makes me feel bad that he’s having to rely on them for homeless dinner and company. I need to figure out a better meal plan and adjust my availability after my probationary period is over. I know he’s ok but when you’ve had a depressed kiddo you can’t stop being concerned with their mental state. Ah I feel another post in the making.

All in all things are going well.

Finding motivation update

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Hey y’all, quick check-in after an tiresome few days.

Things are going ok. My son has had some very early morning commitments that I needed to attend with him so I’ve been napping a few hours each day then sleeping a few hours each night before starting again; it’s draining but we rose to the challenge. Yay us.

On top of low energy I am really beginning to feel the crunch of having to move. I keep stalling using my lack of boxes as an excuse, but in all reality I cannot stall anymore. It’s all coming to a head and I don’t have a choice but to get over it and move on. My neighbor is moving the end of this month and watching him sell off his belongings has not been easy. I’m trying to use it as motivation for me to do the same but I’m not quite there yet. I’m really going to miss my neighborhood.

With all of this taxi riding and napping laziness happening I forced myself to get out for a but today. I walked the mile to Grocery Outlet and hoped the bus home due to the heavy bags, but later I pushed myself to walk the mile round trip to a a corner store for a drink. It was so sunny, warm and nice, it felt great to get out. On the plus side I can see in my face that I am losing weight 🙂

Oh, piercing update: my lip is healing and looking good. My inner lip was pretty chewed up from the labret investing with the swelling, but the indent is now closing up since switching to the smaller lip ring (16g and a diameter that almost hugs my lip). I’m feeling good and think I will be piercing my nose soon, but first my hair needs attention.

Any fun stories from your week? Please share, I could use a smile.

Spring sun and plans = progress

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image

There is something about the spring sunshine that invigorates me. Just seeing it outside of my window energizes me. I have made even more progress on the house today and have clear goals laid out to accomplish before The Walking Dead comes on tonight. I can do this! I will be packed to move (daily necessities aside) by the end of the month then I can focus on the move out cleaning and giving/selling what I don’t get rid of this month. God knows I have a ton of boxes soured in the closet that need sorting after I’ve packed, almost 15 years of memories and hidden clutter that need new homes. For now I focus on what I see daily that I absolutely know will be going with us and what absolutely won’t. If I don’t break it down in these focuses then I will not make progress, it’s to overwhelming. I know by the end of the month I will have a box or 2 of thing that I just couldn’t decide on keeping and hope to just donate that box. It’s amazing how much accumulated when you don’t move for almost 14 years.

Here’s to a plan and steps to accomplishing it. Cheers

Success, progress made!!

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Success!! I managed to reach a couple of goals today 🙂 I made it to the grocery store, made 2 separate Buy Nothing pick ups and even got exercise!! Oh I even cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. Yay me!

Since I had done more riding in vehicles today than walking I chose to walk to my last Buy Nothing pick up which was just under a mile away. It was a very nice walk. The return home was a little challenging as I had 2 garbage bags full of boys size 18 jeans, luckily after a while your hands go somewhat numb. I do have to say waking with garbage bags down a main street in the dark is a somewhat humbling experience as the first assumption people seem to have is that you’re a “bag lady.”

Today was definitely another good day!

Side note: if you have not gotten into the Buy Nothing movement you should look into it. They are local Facebook groups across the U.S. with the goal of bringing neighbors together. It’s a giving group and sooo awesome!

Haunted goodbyes

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Is there a clinical term for overwhelmed and not motivated? I know I should be packing and purging, but I don’t want to leave the couch and fireplace to even get the laundry to fold. Ok, I made myself do that and other basics in household maintenance, but I had to MAKE myself which is not right.

Yeah there’s some depression and a lot of avoidance happening right now and most of it is surrounding the move. We’ve lived here almost all of my son’s life, about 13 years. We have so many memories here, both good and bad, it’s hard to say goodbye.

Typically I enjoy moving but what makes this different is that it is severely affecting my son. His friends, activities, and memories are here. He is upset, withdrawn, and showing it like guys do…”nothing’s wrong” then shutting himself away. Watching this affect him makes it hard on me. I busted my ass to ensure he had a stable home to grow up in, even remaining here when I wanted to run away from memories because I knew it was more important to give my son stability. Now I can’t even give him one lat summer let alone his high school years.

Maybe I’m feeling like a failure because I can’t afford the rent hike. Even so, I would refuse to pay $1650 for this small place. I guess I just don’t like to know I can’t swing something even if I chose not to pay in the end; it’s having the option to not stay due to the increase instead of having the decision made for me.

Then there’s having to go through things and purging. I still have things of my dad’s that I’ve stored away and things of his that are in use that need to be given away. I’m not thrilled about the memories that going through things will bring. Baby clothes saved for the 2nd child that I would never have. Baggage.

I have 2-3 months to get through this, I need to step up. I can do this. Maybe it’s a good thing we have to move, it’s time I let go. Make a list, table one room at a time before moving on.

Just 1 more night vegging then I start on the first room.