A week of total destruction has been just inviting. It appears that the extensive list of  medical conditions were not enough for me to have at hand to deal with. Last Saturday i meerly went to stand up from a nealing position and blew out my left knee. I guess the good lord thought i needed another obstacle to hurdle over. The orthopaedic visit on Monday was less than favorable. When the good news is the doctor can fix it and bad news is that it depends on what type of surgery its going to require, I guess we can safely assume I had just had a bit of a bad day.

The week  was filled with  the lovely oncologist followed by the nephrologist and last but not least the physical therapist. So, to make a short story of a long dramatic week medically I am holding my own. Jaundice levels are under control, kidneys stones have been passed and brain cancer will not get the best of me.

Everyday i awake, take my Princess to school, head to the doctor of the day and then last but not least before i return to my lovely lair i go to work. Unfortunately because of the knee debacle i have been forced to slow down a bit. Meaning my second job is unfortunately but fortunatley put on hold for a few weeks. Work has been fun. I am blessed yet cursed with a new class of immaturely over-educated pupils that somehow have come to think that they are above those of us who have preceeded them for many years in the profession. Now I would generally never think that there is such a thing of over-education as i will be the eternal student. Learning is an excitement factor and completely intrigues me. The new class has definitely challenged my opinion on this matter lately. I love that they have degrees and that they are in a sense very bright, but there comes to a point where you are entirely too smart for your own good. I can teach you a book all day long, but sometimes it just takes personal experience to get the drift. Lets just say, they dont get the drift of anything unless it is force fed down their know it all throats. So, my boss decides to go on vacation in the middle of this lovely trainwreck of a situation of work. Imagine the suprise of this to me. I smile, go on about my day as i know that at 5pm i am leaving such environment only to move on to my next extravaganza.

Going home from work is always bitter sweet. I cannot wait to leave the confines of my office and go home to kiss my Princess, find out how her day was and merely just embrace her presence as she is truly a blessing. That is the sweetness without any doubt. Now the bitter of coarse is the marriage or should i say poor excuse of a marriage that i am the other half in. The man who only thinks that I exist when he needs or wants something, otherwise, his xbox is more important than anything has been pressing on my last nerve. I have tried to work on figuring out why he just annoys me to no end and have come up with a million reasons.

One would think that in a marriage it is as easy as going to the other half and discussing such issues. In my case that is far from possible. His xbox would have to break first and since he has 3, i am out of luck for that happening anytime soon. So, again to make a long story short, i have given up! I have come to the realization that sometimes it really is better to walk away on good terms that stay and be on horrible terms. It has been a harsh reality for me. He is not a man that takes lightly to divorce and i am certain that the good terms will take a while to get to since we have been on such bitter terms for so long. I hold out hope though. He really is a good guy, he has been an awesome best friend at times and does have a good heart when he wants to. The problem is that we have entirely too much history of horrible events that have struck in our lives to get past together. I think that sounds quite stupid in retrospect, however i guess sometimes getting thru things dont make you stronger they just jade you. This is certainly what has happened in our case.  He hates me for things that have always been outside of my control. He is upset and has openly admitted that he has distanced himself from me as I have been diagnosed with Cancer and the outcome is not favorable. He informed me that it would be better for him if he cuts ties to feelings and just lets go rather then holding on and embracing what time we enjoy together. Our marriage has become nothing more than a roomate situation.

Conclusions ensure closure and i am ready for closure on a few  dark chapters in my life to allow new chapters to be written in the light of happiness and love in life.  in the light of this theory I have come to the conclusion i am over being angry everyday and i deserve much more than a roomate situation for a marriage so, i might as well live alone or atleast live with someone who does not annoy me to the point of needing anger manIagement.

I guess the moral of todays story is enough is certainly enough. Happiness is not beyond my grasp. Life is too short not to get what you want! So, for today, I will live it up in the beautiful and lovely sunshine enjoying my precious Princess, my  loving and supportive family and last but certainly  never least, some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for.

Keep in mind, it can all be taken away in less than a heartbeat so please dont forget to tell the ones you love “I LOVE YOU”  and make the best of it.

Well the day started off right atleast so far so good. My Princess was rather early for school today and she was excited to spend time with her friends discussing the talent show. She informs me this morning that she intends to sing in the talent show. Now i love my Princess with every ounce of a being that i am, but she cannot carry a tune in a bucket and that is putting it rather midly. I admire her adventurous and courageous outlook towards trying new things. She has no shame and doesnt seem to embarrass easily either. This i an very greatful for in her personality. She tells me that she intends to sing a song that i am sure that she does not even know the entire song nor does she ever sing the correct words to what she does know. I know it sounds horrible, but i never correct her with such as i have figured that it might embarrass her and i do not want my O.C.D. to hinder her creativity and glowing personality. I find its absolutely adorable to be quite honest. So, now i am stuck with a bit of a dilemna. Do i tell her shes mistaken a few words or do i just let her go on as she has always done. One might think as a parent it is my job to correct and teach, however i just find it so cute. Now, i know others are not going to see her in the exact same light as i do. Of coarse im very partial. She is my Princess. So i will ponder the thought of how to help her and yet not hinder her perfect lil personality that i adore so much. Anywho, perfect princess kisses underway and away she goes to class as i remind her that she is and will forever always be the prettiest princess ever. As i am driving away i realize my lovely brakes on my car are a bit screeching. Time to change them is an understatement. Most people just go to the local station and get their oil changed and brakes changed or what have you, but this little country girl is a do it yourself kinda kid. So i drive the 5 miles to my Mmmy and Daddys house. (Yes i am 28 years old and still say Mommy and Daddy and i will probably be 50 and say the same thing.) My Daddy is definitely my Hero. We set and discuss the previous maintenance done and realize that it wasnt the front brakes we changed in December but rather the rear, so its about time to get the front done considering they all should have been done together. I was a slacker in December so it seems. To the parts store i go. Brakes in hand i pull back into Daddys driveway. Of coarse he is going to help, afterall I am Daddys LIL Girl! Did i mention that i am dressed for work (5 inch heels, dress pants and a crisp clean short sleeved dress shirt. Rachet, 15mm socket, fourway and screwdriver in hand, towards the car i go. I am a bit weak from the radiation, so Daddy to my rescue! He breaks the lugnuts loose and off the tires come. Calipers compressed, old brake shoes out and new ones in all in a matter of a few minutes. You might say we have a good lil program going. We just might have done this a time or two together. I refuse to take it to be done somewhere else. I am a firm believer that if you have the capability to do something, in order to ensure it is done properly, JUST DO IT YOURSELF! It eliminates such drama that occurs when someone has done something completely wrong and you, yourself could have just done it right the first time. So, brakes are done, tires buttoned back up and its time to change the oil. So in a matter of less than 5 minutes, the oil is changed, all other fluids checked, brakes blead back out and this lil country kid is ready to roll. The greatest part of all is that i got to spend quality time with my father. I was quite floored when he told me that i should have taken it to the dealership as it wpuld have been cheaper. To which i calmly replied, ” now Daddy, a wise man once told me that if i want it done right, i should just do it myself and if your going to do something monotonous atleast do it in good company”. It brought a warm and loving smile to my Daddys face and made me feel like the trainwreck that is my life might just find its way back onto the rails soon. Well an eventful morning already, but nowhere near done with what has to occurr today. To the doctors. YAY! So excited as when i wpke up this morning i was a bit yellow. Seems maybe a trip to the Crayola Factory in my short lived dreams last night has occurred. The joys of being Jaundice. Day 2 of light therapy this week. I have a lovely little cinnamon princess tan going on thanks to the lovely u.v. rays, however it is a complete hinderence in my day. Light therapy done, now off to work right. Wrong! This crazy crackerjack doctor now wants an xray of my lungs and ultrasound of my kidney before i leave. UGH! Is it too much to ask for to just let a woman go to work? I am starting to think so! Xrays done, right lung has rebounded well considering it was relapsing recently and this is great news. Ultrasound done, unfortunately my right kidney seems to hate me and has decided that it is going to barricade itself up with stones and pursuade my body into making me a bit miserable at times. I yell at it quite often. Maybe a lil crazy, but i just want it to work! So, after a lovely funfilled morning i think i am ready for work, but wait, here comes the doctor again. I think to myself, doesnt she have something better to do. Then i remind myself, no she doesnt because this is her job and thats what she is supposed to be doing. I remind her that i am supposed to be at work and she politely informs me that i may go to work when she feels that i am able to do so in comfort today. Now that in itself is just ridiculous. HELLO WOMAN, I have cancer and my liver is stalling out and right kidney is blocked. In what dillusional world do you live in to think that any of that is ever going to be comfortable? So i politely remind her that it is all a matter of mind. if i dont mind, it wont matter and i can rightfully convince myself that i am perfectly healthy in order to get myself thru the day. She finally gives in and says i can return to work in the afternoon right after she sends me for a glucose test as well. I.I.I. this woman is going to drive me crazy. I guess beggers cant be choosy and at this point im practically begging to get out of this office and to work. So off to the lovely test i will go. I guess todays bright shiny thought is that even though i am a continuous trainwreck, i can still manage to enjoy the beautiful scenery and embrace the lessons learned and time spent with those that i love the most. Learning not to be such a hater is quite an undertaking. I think im up for the challenge. I am a bit competitive. Im sure in time i will get it under control. All the while i will look down, count to 10 and remind myself that everyday i awake to walk, talk, breathe, work and most importantly be a Mommy to my Princess is a great day and definitely something to praise God for! Now i am off to call my best friend and enjoy some ramblings and randomness that is sure to bring a lovely smile to my face and warm my heart! Hope everyone has a blessed day! Just think “it is what you make it”

Angelic whispers awoke me from the treacherous sleep. “Mommy, I think we overslept”. I hurried to my feet, checked the alarm clock and as sure as the day is long, we were going to be late. As my Princess rushes off to her room to get herself dressed and ready for the day ahead, I scramble to get my wits about me. Im dressed, hair and teeth brushed and out the door. Off we go. As i pull into the parking lot of the elementary school my Princess reminds me she had not brushed her hair. Oh my! Mom to the rescue. Hair brush and ponies are a definite on hand MUST with Princesses! Now signed into  school, perfect lil Princess kisses and away she went to class. Certainly not before I reminded her that she is and will always be the prettiest princess ever. Task #1 complete, now off to the lovely doctor. Did I mention I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. Yay, right! Please understand that I am being completely sarcastic with said topic. Anywho, I have issues with jaundice and kidney function all thanks to the lovely radiation. I look at it as nothing more than a minor obstacle to hurdle everyday. So, I put my big girl panties on and walked into the office. To make a long story short, the doctor and I came to a harsh but very effective game plan. Tripple shot of radiation, light therapy and a round of dialysis seem to be this week’s fun. So, away I go to the clean room with the lovely hazmat suits to deliver todays adventure of radiation. Once that is endured, work was second. Lets just say I didnt fair well for work so I went home to follow doctors orders. I am really not accustomed to doing such, however I have my motives. Nap time it is! its great to get an occassional nap as an adult. Its like a fat kid in the candy store great really. So, dinner after a nap, a few lovely conversations with my princess and off to work I go, well, to the second job. Princesses are a bit expensive and unfortunately the other half of my lovely and completely misfit marriage chooses not to be so productive. Im not sure when or who decided that video games are the next big thing, but I can assure you that setting on your behind playing ridiculous and quite ignorent games are not very productive. They dont seem to be paying my mortgage or serving any other purpose other than to piss me off. I wish the other half could get that memo SOON! So, off to work I go. Thank heavens for best friends and I am blessed to work with mine. We get a few hours of hang out time all while getting paid. One might  say its ideal for a second job. So, the besty has had a bit of a day and well, mine clearly derailed right out of the station. Our few hlours of hard work while conducting a total bitch session commences. We of course spent 3 plus hours maming the thought of ignorent people and their unwilingness to mind their own business and keep their mouths shut. Completely mentally and physicall exhausted, i head home. Off to the swamp I go! Home to a very cold house to which my Princess is sound asleep and the husband is wide awake. Now I get to be subjected to the joys of dealing with a man who pays absolutely no attention to anything other than his xbox. I am completely overwhelmed with anxiety before even opening the front door. Wondering what tonights uncalled for argument is going to relate to. Will it be what time I got home from work, who annoyed him on his video game, or some other random ridiculousness just to insight a riot? So, once again I put my big girl panties on, opened the front door and put my best smile on. I thought to myself, “give him hell or avoid at all costs?”. Well i guess i was not feeling so froggy because i went with the avoid at all cost option. Walked in, said goodnight and away to slip into jammies i went. Prayers said, teeth brushed and off to dreamland was the plan. Then my phone rings. Its my very best friend who has recently moved away. I am certainly having withdrawls from her. i cant just show up in the morning at her work and bring her starbucks and give her a hug and make sure she is o.k. anymore. She is in Tennessee and I am in Florida. UGH! She has been sick lately and constatly on my mind. A mind that is already consumed with more than any one person should be subject to is now subjected to the breaking point. I just want to make sure my friends are safe and sound and all is right with them. So, a few minutes of catching up and by this time i need toothpicks to hold my eyelids open. It is time to count some sheep and i willingly lay my pretty little (big) head on my pillow to slip off to dreamland. That was the plan, or so i thought. Of coarse its not going to be any easy night. Radiation was brutal, work and life have been nothing nice lately and now im so exhausted i cant even sleep. Give me a break! So i lay there saying my ABC’s and signing to myself childhood songs until i finally just slip off to dreamland. i love that i can sing to myseld without ever using a vocal cord.  I told you, i am quite elementary fundamentalistic. I very much cherish my childhood and love being taken back to the basics of my foundation. It keeps me grounded and most importantly it reminds me of a time when smiling and fun was just a given on a daily basis. I have learned that if you sweat the small stuff, the big stuff will become damned near impossible. Unfortunatly i do not have the option of impossible. Its hell or high water I will succeed for me.  So finally i slip off to dreamland. On that note, i will leave you to ponder what in the world this crazy trainwreck of a woman might dream about. Actually, ill give you a hint. Its a combination of my childhood and my present life and some of the most amazing people that have been a part of my life off an on for my entire life. Some people are just that deserving to be in my dreams so it seems!