No sleep, husband decided to get a new puppy and i have been completely undermined as a parent. I believe i am a bit disgruntled. It is lovely to have a conversation with your counterpart and child to include that her room must be clean before she can take the puppy in there. When i say it looks like a disaster clean up sight in there i mean it. I am certain my child thinks the floor is her biggest shelf. Anywho, imagine to my suprise when i come home from an exhausting day at work and the first thing my daughter says is “Mommy, the puppy is in my room” now, of coarse my first words were “is your room clean?” why of course not. That would mean someone would have to listen to me. And on top of her not listening, her father chose to completely ignore the rules set forth. If i wanted a new puppy i think i would have put a bit more thought into this. I certainly wouldnt make someone feel completely alienated for my own laziness. I say that in the best of terms. Seeing as i did not want this dog and quite frankly am quite pissed off that he went and got the dog regardless of what i had to say. Then i spent two hours bathing the dog, have taken him out to do his business at 5am. Had him crawl up in my bed and keep mee awake and ultimately just fuel the anger. I repeat. I did not want this dog. We already have a dog of which i feel doeant get enough attention, so no i do not feel the need to have another.

Anyways, im just ranting because not only did i not want this dog, but now im stuck caring for it and somehow what this mom has to say escapes my husband and childs ears. Hmmm….

I can guarantee this will change. I have enough to be angry about without adding inconsiderate obliviousness to the mix!

Two days of feeling like an elephant on my chest, severe anxiety and absolutely everything urking my last nerve. I hate this lovely feeling. Yes, i have a nervous condition that is completely unavoidable but generally i can manage to calm the storm that is my nerves.

Lately, i have been asked questions of which i cannot answer. I cannot seem to wrap my mind around the questions to give straight answers. I dont know if it is i truly dont know the answer to these life related questions or if i honestly just cant answer the question the way it should be answered. Its mind boggling to say the least.

Living and learning is daily. Surviving and overcoming are more a minute by minute. Lately i dont know which way is up or which way to turn. I love all that has been good. And contrary to popular belief, i think about the good all the time. Which leads me to wonder how life got to this. What went wrong. When did such an exciting qdventure become an absolute dreadful nightmare?

I guess my life events could somewhat sum it up. I am consumed with an overwhelming schedule of which i smile and hit repeat everyday. So one might ponder, REPEAT? is repititiom of disaster and chaos on a daily basis really what this is about? Is this the game i get to play?

No is the answer. No i will not relinquish myself to such misery. I have been forced to become quite independent. Although some may find me arrogant, I am not. I am merely a woman who was given up on and forced to figure out just how much hell I could endurre. Standing tall does notmake me arrogant. It merely shows that it is possible to overcome adversity.

Now, being independent also has its drawbacks. It has been pointed out to me that it is very hard to read and interact with me dye to my overwhelming urge to just do everything myself. I dont like convrsing or even debating my issues with much of anyone. Once upon a time this may have been easy for me. Forcing me to handle my every trial on my own has taught me that when i need you, i will ask. Dont expect to be often if ever, I certainly hope that those who hung me out to dry will understand that i have grown to understand my limits. Some of which were put to the test far worse than i ever imagined, but it happened and now it cannot be changed.

So, in all this self development i have had a right hand woman. Celebrating 10 years of therapy. Yes, i go to therapy. Where some find it a sign of weakness, I find it quite educational. It has certainly done me alot of good.It has gotten me thru times when i wanted nothing less than to curl up and let natures rath take its coarse. Other times it has shed light on sututions that were completely incomprehensible. Iimagine if  i had to do it all over again, i would choose the same course of action.

In recent session, we have come to realize i am a bit closed off. An observation made by several lately. To some’s dismay, I choose to be distant. Keeping distance allows my head to stay clear of the cloudiness that has become. Sorting through things takes time. Time of which i have come to realize that others have an abundance of to sort through things, however i am expected to conform to others time frames. NO CIGAR! It just doesnt work that way.

I will not be rushed. I will not conform. Thank you for all the doubt. More importantly, thank you for allowing me to become the independent woman that I am. Please take note, that I am very proud that I can say that I have had to endure such obstacles and have succeeded to live another day. I will continue to do so. It is what I know.  It is who I am. Who I have grown to be.

If you do not like who i have become.I am not sorry. I am who I am.