The tides have changed quite a bit lately in life. The insomnia has become a nightly acceptance. The days get longer and the nights have been shortened considerably. Generally i just wouldnt care, but lately my mind is in overdrive. i dont seem to rest for the short bursts of sleep i manage to get in.My mind replays horrific situations and then re analayzes the terror. i just cannot seem to stop this trainwreck from happening. i feel like i can see it about to happen and know how to stop but just cannot seem to hit the brakes.  This morning has been a plethera of emotion. Frustrations are generally the fore front. Then comes the physical pain and finally comes the overwhelming heavy heart. I am blessed in many areas. Tomorrow is my birthday. A day of which I cherish. I have always loved my birthday.  Since becoming an adult, i have never had a birthday party. odly enough, its the only thing I ever ask for other than my favorite cake. My daughters handmade presents aqre my favorite. they are perfect little heart felt treasures that i absolutely adore. She assured me that she and her father put alot of thought into my present this year. so, as usual i set here and remind myself of all my prior birthday disasters.  its been forgotten a few years by the husband and other familyt. Goingts always right after school starts so its hectic and generally falls within labor day weekend or some where close. So, i have finally come to expect absolutely nothing to go right, presents are something I refuse to ask for anymore. I guess if you really knew me, you would know that my absolute best present ever would be my friends and family together celebrating my birthday. Memories are the one gift that no one in my family seems to get. I guess there is a little more reason to that. Maybe its because 5years ago tomorrow I sat in the oncologists office by myself only to be informed of my future fate of fighting like hell to survive

. Brain cancer diagnosis as a birthday present. What else could i ask for. Moral support from my husband was completely out of the question. He didnt even remember my birthday either

. So, i have absolutely given up on caring what others plans are. i just made my own. Then of course the selfish individuals and there ridiculous the world revolves around me and my schedule act  puts a monkey wrench straight thru my plans. Isnt it just like others to only care about what they want to do

. I give up damn near every weekend for others just so I can be there for support. Something I dont get in return, however it is still my job so I suck it up and smile. So, plans for my birthday were to take my daughter to disney on ice friday night, leave for the beach sat morning and return on Sunday. These were alternate plans toy original plans of which i cannot speak of. So, my husband decides to tell me that since his race schedule changed he now plans to race friday night. My daughter races as well. So, as usual whatever I wanted or had planned just went straight to hell. The sad part is, im so used to this, i cant even get mad about it anymore. I have come to realize I am nothing more than a financial cushion for some. What I want or need isnt any concern. What i ask for is only responded to for a minute until I shut up, but it certainly isnt heard, adhered to or even so much as thought about a second time. I am completely in overdrive today. For the first time in my life I wish I could just fast forward thru tomorrow to get the disaster out of the way. There isnt much more I can say. Its jusst how it goes. If only…… This year especially, im missing my best friend. That friend that always is there isnt here. It just kinda sucks. Anyways, I woke up with more energy than i care to have so I guess its time to get my ass in gear and get some work done. Anticipation is going to kick my ass.

I woke up this morning with a feeding frenzy of ackward thoughts. What i thought was going to be an easy day has turned into a very stressful with alot of animosity morning. Ready for some time with my best friend to clear my head and have fun! But for now, its off to work!

Once upon a time I was quite caring and loveable. I was raised in a family that wouldlend, give or help you with anything. Its they way of life where i come from. Where your parents are friends with the whole town. You dont have to lock your front doors. Your best friends parents are your mom and dads best friends and your grand parents were best friends too. Yes, Poca, WV is a very small town where everybody knows everybody. A safe town. Very Mayberry to say the least. Anyways, back to the point. I have always been a person to help anyone out. Its all i know. So, lately i find myself in a world of where i am constantly bending over backwards for people who could careless to help themselves. I feel horrible when i cant help others, but in the same sense, if they wont help themselves then why try. I feel like certain people in my life keep me around just to see just how much they can drain out of me. I dont generally ask for anything and if so, i make sure it is minimal and never to put anyone out. I keep trying to look at the bright side and stay optimistic, but i am over getting steam rolled just because i was taught to have a heart.

I have a child, she is blonde with blue eyes and is 9. So, yes i am supposed to make sure lothes, is fed, bathed, clean, loved and well cared for. Idid not take several adults to raise to. I have enough to handle besides making sure he gets this done or she gets that done. There comes a time when every adult needs to take responsibility for their own issues. Pay your ownz bills, handle your own paperwork, hell i mean i have to do these things and i manage jist fine. It really isnt that hard.
Opinion is that people are just lazy and figure why bother growing up and taking pride in themselves for their own accomplishments when they can prey on me. A woman with more issues than most, but i manage to get it done.

So, from now on, no more nice guy (or chic in my case) I am washing my hands of handling other peoples personal affairs. It only ends up with me stressing things that i shouldnt have to handle muchless stress about.

My honest

When one pretends to care, it creates a facade. When one just doesnt care, it creates an impression. When one does care, but it doesnt matter it creates devastation.

A beautiful morning at the lake.

An awesome day with friends and family kayaking and canoeing leaves me exhausted and ready for a nap!

Not alot of sleep last night ensured a bit of a derailment this morning. My alarm clock did not go off this morning as i failed to set it last night. However my brain seemed to be on point with the time this morning. Wide awake and ready to rock this day away. Well, that is where my mind was atleast. My body on the other hand was in a whole different phase. PaIN! The right kidney yet again is testing my limits. Major pain on the back. So, i get my behind out of bed, get dressed and try to make the best of what i know is going to be a challenging day.

To the Princesses room I go. I tug on her toes, wake her with Mommy kisses and let her know its time to get rolling. None of which she is thrilled for. A mere “why do i have to get up” and her morning growl. As i exit her room, i step in the lovely mess her new puppy has decided to leave on her floor. Keep in mind i do not hate animals, however i really hate this dog! It has been a complete pain in my ass since day 1! I have tried to find the good in this situation, however i believe my husband created a disaster with getting her this puppy. Of coarse, he doesnt deal with her in the mornings generally, so it has been placed upon my shoulders. And i reitterate i was against getting this dog to start with. Anyways, so my patience are beyond non existant when it comes to this dog.
As i am driving to work i am in tears. Something i do not do often is cry. Why you ask? Because my own tears are quite toxic. They are so filled with toxins that they burn my skin. But these tears i just couldnt hold back. PAIN IS A CRUEL THING ONE OF WHICH I CONSTANTLY BATTLE. I CHOSE TO BE WITHOUT MEDS AND I PAY A HUGE PRICE FOR IT. THE PRICE OF COMFORT. I DO NOT SLEEP WELL, I ON MOST DAYS HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF IT IS A MIND OVER MATTER ISSUE. THE REALITY OF IT IS I CAN ONLY CONVINCE MYSELF IT DOESNT HURT TO A CERTAIN POINT. LIFE GOES ON. THE WORLD DOESNT STOP BECAUSE I GOT THE SHORT END OF THE STICK. CANCER DOESNT NOW AND WILL NEVER DICTATE MY LIFE. IT IS A HUGE OBSTACLE BUT ONE I WILL CONSTANTLY HURDLE UNTIL THE GOOD LORD SEES FIT TO EITHER LET ME WIN OR LOOSE THE RACE OF LIFE. EITHER WAY, THERE IS ONLY ONE CHOICE I HAVE AND THAT IS TO KEEP STEPPING OVER THEESE HURDLES.

A QUICK CONVERSATION WITH A GREAT FRIEND WHERE I AM REMINDED IN TIME IT WILL ALL WORK OUT. ANOTHER CONVERSATION WITH THE HUSBAND WHERE HE WISHES ME WELL FOR THE DAY AND LISTENS TO ALL MY GRIPES AND IM OFF TO THE WORK PLACE.

BEFORE I EVER GET OUT OF MY CAR, I MANAGE TO SPILL MY DRINK, TURN MY PURSE UPSIDE DOWN AND SPLATTER ALL MY BELONGINGS ACROSS MY CAR. IN COMPLETE DERAILMENT THIS MORNING. NO ANSWERS FOR MY QUESTIONS, COMPLETE DISPAIR, COMPLETE HELL, ONE MIGHT ADD THAT I WANTED TO SCREAM AND CRY AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. BUT THATS NOT ME. AS I FELT THE TEARS FALL DOWN MY FACE I TAKE A DEEP BREATHE, BOW MY HEAD AND BEGIN TO PRAY. PRAYERS OF WHICH WENT A LITTLE LIKE THIS…..

DEAR HEAVENLY FATHER,
THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO AWAKE TO A BEAUTIFUL DAY, KISS MY BABY GIRL GOOD MORNING. THANK YOU FOR GIVING MW THE VERY LIFE THAT I HAVE, ALTHOUGH CHALLENGING AS IT MAY BE I AM A FIRM BELIEVER YOU HAVE A PLAN FOR ME. I KNOW YOU AND I HAVE A DISAGREEMENT. IT ALL GOES BACK TO MY DAUGHTER BEING RIPPED OUT OF MY LIFE, I DONt understand why i have to endure such repeated hell. I wish i had answers. I know that the hell has made me a stonger person but i wonder just how much stronger ypu need me to be. Karma is a bitch and i feel it alot. So please God, have a little mercy on me today as i feel strong but i know my body is weak. And again i would like to thank you for allowing me to awake, walm, talk, work and last but more important than anything in this world, allow me to be a mommy to by baby girl for another precious day. All in yohr name, AMEN.

After going to the orthopedic yesterday and having a huge needle inserted into my shoulder and then a relaction of the shoulder i thought it would get better. Damn, i was wrong. It seems that my left shoulder has slipped socket again. I tossed and turned all night in pure misery. This mornings shower was uneventful, however getting dressed was ridiculously painful. While on my way to work i turned my head to check traffic and my shoulder somehow completely dislocated. My fingers have all gone numb and the pain has reached excruciating. I am clearly going to have a pain filled day.

Oh, the day just gets better. I pull into the bank to cash a check and the bank isn’t open yet. I think ill just wait. So, as im setting in the bank parking lot in my car with blacked out windows and a sticker that says SWAMP MAFIA on my rear glass. I guess it was alarming to the bank personnel. So alarming that they called the cops on me. The local police department shows up, comes to my window and does the whole i.d. Act. I explain i was just waiting for the bank to open to cash a check of which i provide him with the check i intend to cash. After a few minutes of making small talk with the officer and him making sure i am in fact NOT a bank robber, he says thank you ma’am for being cooperative and have a nice day. He then drives away. Less than five minutes pass and the officer returns to ask me to leave the bank due to their opening protocol. So i do. I go to a local business and take a phone call from my best friend. WELL THAT CONVERSATION WAS SHORT LIVED BECAUSE THE LOVELY OFFICER DECIDED TO TAIL ME TO SEE EXACTLY WHAT I WAS UP TO. I AGAIN MADE SMALL TALK WITH THE OFFICER FOR ATLEAST 30MINUTES WHEN THE BANK FINALLY OPENED. I WAS THEN SO ELEGANTLY ESCORTED TO THE BANK.

I go into the bank and am now face to face with the personnel of which were responsible for my lovely officer interraction this morning. I present the check, my i.d. And patiently wait. Well, lets just say the person who wrote the check apparently failed to mention that it was not any good. So, i was in fact counting on this money and now i have to rearrange all my finances. How ducky! And all this before noon. Geesh. So, after confronting the person about the check we come to a somewhat resolution. One of which i was not happy with but atleast it ensured i was payed what i was owed. All of this before Noon. I thought to myself, Really, whats next. THATS SOMETHING ILL NEVER ASK AGAIN! i finally make it to work just before 2. Now, keep in mind i work until 5, so not only am I in hell physically, i have had an adventurous day at the expense of others inability to be adults and handle thir business properly, but now i have managed to miss out on hours of valuable time at work….What a day!

I am in a frenzy of unequivocal emotions today. Anxious for certain things, yet calm as can be about others. Impatience is making my mind venture to places i would rather save for a later discussion. I guess the whole real thought here is once again my impatience is getting the better of me. I want it and I want it now………. Unfortunately the reality of it is i must be patient. I am assured good things come to those who wait. However i am so ridiculous about it that i would like a definitive answer on just how long will i have to wait. I am being tested. This i am sure of as well. Living and learning and learning to live is a trecherous feat lately. Walking on eggshells is certainly not my style. Outright and blatent is more my speed. I have tried making nice, i have tried to care, but the reality is that you can only care for someone as much as they will let you. If they refuse to open up to the heart that tries, it is solely their loss. A bitter sweet thought. A heart broken, a mind tired, a life changed. It is what it is. I cant change it, just one breath at a time and reminding myself of patience!