Tag Archives: life

Beautiful vs. Ugly

Posted on by A Continuous Trainwreck

I have avoided chemotherapy for 5 long years, but unfortunately with ICP tests showing a bit higher pressure and some new growth of the tumors i was forced to decide.

This morning at 6am i arrived at the cancer center. Early and nervous as all hell. The nurse called me back and said since you are here we might as well get this overwith. By 6:15am the line was started and blood drawn and the fun of the day was underway. Of course it was a while before the doctor came in because the nurses do most everything for them anyways. She gave me alot of literary material to exercise my mind with. Educational pamphlets about the medicines and reactions and all the reference links one could ask for for additional questions. There were 4 persons there for similar issues at this point. As i sat in this clinical area it was just amazing to see the people there to support others. My mentor from my study was there to keep me company. My mother, sister, and my closest friends all offered to endure such fun with me today. The truth of the matter is, unless you have been through it, i dont think many understand and i get sick of explaining things. If the one person i always imagined being there cant be, then, im really not to open to others…i get a bit angry about it and it is best that i dont take such frustrations out on innocent individuals.

Anywho, my sponsor Mrs. G is a riot. An older lady who has lived a very vibrant life that is now recently retired and her final lifes mission as she says is “to pass her enthusiasm and wit onto those of deserving hearts to allow them to pass it on too.” she has a complete pay it forward mentality. One that is very admirable as well. So, while the chemical warfare is circulating thru my system, Mrs. G decides she wants to have a philosophical conversation regarding life and how we see and treat other individuals.

I listen carefully as she explains her lifes adventures and find myself sinking lower in my chair attempting to find the energy just to sit up because i feel like the life is being sucked right out of me. I have been enduring radiation for quite some time and have grown acustomed to the effects of it and thought chemo would be similar. Well, they are similar but oh so different. Radiation doesnt kick in so strongly so quickly. It takes a few hours for it to kick my ass. Chemo on the other hand had me puking my guts up within the hour. I would certainly rather shoot myself in the foot than puke. Blood pressure and all vitals were quite stabil through the process so that was a great accomplishment in itself compared to lately. Almost two hours had passed and the doctor comes in to check on me and about that time my heart monitor freaks out. I guess the brick wall effect picked the perfect time to occur. So, my heart valve prolapses and then regurgitates and i am so lethargic and nauseous i cant stop puking and now my heart is straight up trippin out. As if i werent scared completely out of my mind already, now this. A girl with a nervous problem, nauseous and sick and now a heart freaking out. It is safe to assume the anxiety levels at this point were severely past nuclear breakdown. Sheer exhaustion in a matter of a few hours chemically induced is enough but add heart failure and out of control nerves to that and well i admit i certainly derailed.

Mrs. G reaches over and holds my head up only to look me square in the eyes and  hands me the photograph of my daughters i keep with me from my notebook and she proceeds to tell me… “my sweet child, it can only hurt you as much as your mind will let it. The mind is a wonderful thing. It can heal while enduring hell. You choose when and how and the rest is history. Cancer isnt who you are, it is meerely an obstacle you WILL overcome. You have the ability and strength to choose the circumstances of how you do so. Either gracefully with a smile or miserable with a frown. Choices are what make us who we are. My child your smile is entirely too beautiful to be wasted on something so ugly as cancer. Dont let it get the best of you, show it who is boss”.

So, in between the heart tanking out and puking my guts up i took her words straight to heart. When the doctor came in for the final time I was all smiles. She asked what was so endearing that my smile was beyond the stars to which i replied, sometimes you arent given what you want or who you want, sometimes you are given what you need. With a picture of my daughters in my hand and a great friend by my side i was ready to conquor the world.

Finally all done and i.v. Removed and its time for that dreaded discussion of all future side effects and go directly to the e.r. If this happens….. Then with such poise the doctor hands me her business card and says…”my dear i know it is hell and mentally and physically exhausting. If at any point you need anything, please call. Then she gave me a hug and said and if it is outside bankers hours, my personal cell # is hand written on the back. Im not a doctor to make money, im a doctor to save lives and i know life and luck happen outside 9-5. Dont hesitate. I know I wouldnt if i were in your position”.

So lethargic i absolutely didnt want to stand up, yet beyond exhillerated that i am lucky enough to have been given so many individuals who in spite of never knowing me, still care beyond measures. A whole new adventure. Chemo sucks beyond compare, but todays comfort came from knowing that i was not just a number or just another body in the chair. Today someone cared about me unselfishly.

On the way home, i relaxed and closed my eyes because the motion sickness was weighing in hard. Mrs. G. is definitely filled with stories and advice and as she dropped me off at my door her inevitable words of wisdom for me today were “child, life is going to go on regardless of who is in it or not. You can stress, you can worry or you can smile. The real truth of the matter is, if they love you only even a fraction as much as I can see you love them, they will put forth the effort. Child dont you worry your pretty little soul because if they dont, it is entirely their loss. ”

Inside i went, got dressed for work and mind over matter kicked in. Off to work i go. So, chemo filled morning and a full days work too. It may not be fun, but i am doing it with a smile. A bit of a cant stop, wont stop competitive streak a mile wide has come blazing thru and even if i have to do it without the setting i wish i had, i know without a doubt i got this.

A mile a minute!

Posted on by A Continuous Trainwreck

Well my heart is having its own marathon and crash dummy testing going on this morning. I feel like im running 100mph then just hitting a brick wall. The mind over matter strategy is helping, however i am physically exhausted. Trying to work with such condition as a valve prolapse with regurgitation in your heart is a bit challenging. You never know when the wall will appear. Lately it does it quite often. Anywho, today I see the endocrinologist. Fun times dealing with being a diabetic. Great news is my metabolism has went up considerably with a change in eating and workout schedule and it appears it was a very healthy change and maybe just maybe i will get to come off of some of these oh not so fun medications and lower the insulin dose. I am excited for some good change. A breathe of fresh Air to the chaotic insanity that life had become. I am quite frankly just feeling so exhausted that i really just dont have the capacity to process the million feelings and thoughts rolling thru my lovely brain. For once, they will have to wait. I just dont have the energy to think about the turn of lifes events. It is taking all i have to stand and breathe this morning. I really hope to how soon they get this heart issue ironed out. It is a bit taxing. In the meantime, this is my daughters week with her dad and well, it is never easy when she isnt home. That weighs on my mind more than anything. Creating a healthy stable surrounding for her is of my upmost responsibility. She is adjusting to the separate houses as well as can be expected, it just sucks to watch her stress things that no child should. I just dont know…..its all weighing on my mind and well as i said, im just to exhausted to process it all. It is a bit ackward that i look to work as a sanctuary. One that is quite black and white in schedule and duty and allows my mind to focus and rest from the craziness that is my personal life. Well i have rambled on about nothing in general as usual and my head is still going a mile a minute. I hope everyone has a truly blessed day. I will certainly try to make the best of mine!

Rapid Deterioration!

Posted on by A Continuous Trainwreck

This mornings conversation was short, unsweetened and definitely with a point. A sharp one right to my heart is exactly what it felt like. The test results are in and decisions are in order.There have been so many individuals in my life accept the issues blindly then when faced with reality they walk away. An option i wish i had. I dont want to be me physically most days. The pain is definitely increasing, my tolerance for bullshit has completely ceased and now starts a new chapter. One i thought would be different and definitely not entered into so cold and empty, but i made the mistakes that lead to such. No use crying over spilled perfume. The waves still crash in. I learned alot about myself in recent light. I meerely want a compassionate backing to soften the hell that is my daily reality. The emptiness is a bit overwhelming at times and now i can see why it is so much easier to just cop out. Its not really an option, but i ponder it occassionally.

Yesterdays doctors appointment was another one for the books. The oncologist pretty much chewed my ass. It doesnt matter that I am a very active individual, but apparently just not active enough. She wants me in physical therapy 3x a week and the gym everyday if not twice a day. I love the gym, dont get me wrong, i just like a break from such. One which my doctor assures me is not needed in my current state. I am still running and in the gym a few days a week but in recent test, it shows that i have over 22% loss of muscle strength in my arms and quads. Rapid detioration stages as she so elegantly put it. So, I guess back to being a slave to the gym is whats in order.

I probably wouldnt have such a difficult time with it if i had anyone in my life that was a positive and active promoter of such behavior. The reality is that no one in my family goes to the gym, my so called friends are few and far between and especially when it comes to being positive promoters. The friends that i thought would be by my side through this have all dwendled away. I alright at holding myself to a routine, i just get bored. I honestly just need someone to work out with just to keep me company. I like schedules, but with meds, doctors appointments, a very demanding family and a 9 yr old that takes up my every waking second that i am not at work, where in the hell am I expected to find this additional time for myself to be in the gym. The derailment continues as always.

I thought that I would discuss this with the man that I married. oh boy, was that a complete waste of time and an absolute joke! His reply via text was stop trying to sleep. Really? A very serious conversation and you think it is a joking matter. NO, thank you for any of your support since it is all on FALSE PRETENSE! I went out of my way to try to discuss things and a schedule and pretty much at the end of the conversation felt like i would have better luck talking to a DEAF individual who didnt even know me. Completely pointless to try and be considerate of others when they have a lack of give a damn for anything other than themselves! I just cannot seem to grasp why people are so damn ignorent when it comes to very pressing matters. Especially when it involves the welfare of an individual.

Anywho, after a very stressful day at the doctors and a full day of work, I went home. Lets just say I again had another pointless conversation with the so called husband and the night of rest that i really needed was absolutely non existant due to others selfish behavior. Which brings me to this morning.

Miss Princess off to school, I VOTED, then off to see the vampires and the oncologist again. Lets just say that I only thought I got my ass chewed yesterday. Today was 10x worse. My blood pressure was thru the roof and i might have just puked all over the doctors shoes. Sorry for the graphicness, but when all you have coming up is your lovely blood, there is a bit of a problem. So, after a brief discussion of the last 24 hours and a few test, she quickly came to the diagnosis of ruptured ulcers and then I had the un fun not so pleasurful adventure of drinking a lovely clotting agent that taste exactly like charcoal. How much more fun can I endure at this pace?

As if I am not stressed enough, not only did the oncologist want my day to day down to the minute routine, she has now took it upon herself to schedule my physical therapy ( it might as well be hungarian Helga) with a very…. urgh…. therapist. She also asked what gym, what time, what classes and informed me not to be suprised if she just occassionally popped in to make sure that I was actually doing what i am supposed to. Yeah, she is a pro-active doctor. She bought her way into a medical study just to take my case. She has alot riding on my prognosis and she never lets me forget it. I am a guiny pig for her and she is a total pain in my ass. She now wants me to continue with the lovely psychologist, psychiatrist, and physical therapist, along with all my regular appointments with the vampires to monitor my sugar, blood levels, white cell count and all the other crap they measure and lets not forget that favorite friday appointment of radiation that continues like clock work. Now the Gym too… I need help. Like a serious day planner to just tell me where to be and when. I feel like i am being jerked in a million different directions and getting weaker and weaker by the second all the while. All the while I am still a full time mommy who takes her daughter to school every morning, manages to still work 40 hours a week and am pro active in my daughters afternoon adventures and i surely tuck her in at night just to repeat it all over again the next day. I am completely overwhelmed at this point. I want to scream. I feel like punching people in the face just so they might have a tenth of the headache that i have to endure on a 100% constant basis. I just want a little peace. I am not sure that I will ever succeed at finding it, but I am going to give it my best effort.

A little to literal.

Posted on by A Continuous Trainwreck

This week has been filled with interesting events. None of to much epic proportion but all of significant descent. Many decisions to be made, many choices of which i cannot turn around and run back once they are made and to be quite frank, im scared as hell! I guess we should brief such topics since that really is the purpose of this exercise.

First up is the new boss. I thought it was going to be a total massacre, however i am finding that my new boss is very exquisite. She has only been my boss for a week now and i have to say it is like working with a close friend. She is entirely the opposite of the opinion i had of her. I have been moved back to my lair in the corner and pretty much left to just trudge away at work. Which is just the way i like it. Really cant complain as work has done a 360 and is quite pleasant lately.

Second on the chopping block is Miss Princess and school. Now this unfortunately is a stressed subject. I hate these ridiculous standardized test. Did the genuises (and i mean this in the most sarcastic form possible) that conjured up these mandated ignorent test ever stop to consider that not all children have the capability to take such test. My daughter currently has 4A’s and 2B’s in school but I was informed of her lack of performance on the standardized tests are cause for concern. The teacher is amazing and is a true educator who cares for our children. I am certain it isnt related to her teachings but rather my childs learning issues. She does have an IEP in place however even with an IEP, my daughter is so high functioning that they feel the need to group her in normally. This is becoming a huge and very heated battle with not only myself but several other parents with children in the same situations. I am on a daily progress note taking process with her teacher at this point. I am hell bent to prove to them that the problem isnt my childs education level or ability to learn but it in fact is their ignorence of believing all children are the same and there are no exceptions. I am absolutely frightened by the fact such highly intelligent individuals are so damn stupid they cant see this. Anywho,  enough about this. I could certainly go on for days about it.

Third comes the lovely C word. CaNCER SUCKS! Recent test showed a huge problem. By huge i am referring to 5 doctors all setting in 1 room at the same time to tell me something i never wanted to hear. Reality SUCKS too. The reality of my life is that the last rounds od radiation worked wonders on holding the fluid levels at bay for a moment. It worked great at holding the new growth down to a minimum. It did not succeed at leaving my other vital organs untouched by its power. Unfortunately the bad may have just tilted the scale. The neuro says continued radiation is a must. The nephrologist sahys my kidneys hate me more than ever and my right one is no longer playing ball at all. The left one is a hit or miss situation at best on good days and dialysis is looking to be an all to familiaf hell of a reality again. The nephro wants to have the right kidney removed asap but the cardiac surgeon says “hell no her heart isnt strong enough to withstand any surgery, not even mjnor dental work is acceptable in this state”. So the census of the other days conversation with all the above individuals including the oncologist and astros specialist is that im damned if i do and damned if i dont. It is never easy when the last question asked of a conversation is wether or not i choose to live unmedicated  and as myself until i expire or second choice is continue to stay on medication until my body says im taking my ball and going home because it doesnt want to play this excruciating game any longer. A bit of a decision i guess. I at first just walked out and said cya like i was talking to a friend. Then it consumed my head in horrific fashion. Anywho, i am still teetering on the fence and honestly just want to be. So im taking my time with this decision. Living up every second in the meantime.

So i guess my last issue is just me. I have ultimately realized that there are so many things i have stressed that i cannot change. Other people who have ultimately ruined things i have cherished whole heartedly, situations i would love to mend, but the truth of the matter is…..i can only take one breathe at a time and i am going to do it in true Princess fashion. I have no time to set and ponder the whys or hows anymore. I have finally got with my own program and realized the only person i can change is me. I can change the situation just by adjusting my outlook. I have certainly reminded myself that not everything is perfect but all things can be positive as long as i stay positive. Yeah i know it is a bit elementary but i can honestly say i operate best at such a basic level. I like simplicity and have returned my life to such with a smile. I have to say even with so many obstacles, i am completely at peace and living it up!