Now where was I? Flaam, I think. I may repeat myself-but  then I never reread or check these things. Flaam had the bike ride and the little museum which were great. Wednesday our destination was Olden. The activity today was “Hiking Mount Hoven and sky-lift” I took a chance and left my hiking boots at home, brought and old pair of reasonably heavy shoes-that were near done, and i felt i could dump them after the hike. The hike did not start until around 13:30. Olden was another tiny little hamlet with a big souvenir type shop at the dock/harbour. In here I got (yep you guessed it) another fridge magnet. Was impossible finding one without a cruise ship on it. It was another pretty wet start to the day. As I had loads of time I decided to explore, and a bit up the road I found a hiking type shop, and in here I got a bobbly hat.

Eventually it was time for the hike. I glanced at the feet on the bus and noticed everybody had hiking boots-and wondered if i had made a mistake. Some people had waterproof trousers on-but i DID bring my hiking trousers-one or two people were wearing denim jeans. The weather had cleared by now. When we got to the start of the walk via the sky-lift -which was great, stunning views etc, the weather had cleared and things were looking good. At the start of the hike i noticed a few diggers,lorrys and 4×4 cars and a track that was being worked on. Most of the walk was on this track. I asked our guide how long they had been working there and he told me 3 years. Now this track looked very good for a downhill MTB ride. As I said the skies had cleared and the view were breathtaking. This was a good day for me. I could easily come up here with a flask of tea/bottle of water and something to eat and just sit here all day.

But suddenly the weather deteriorated big time. Skies were black, very misty,windy and it started to snow. We could barely see 10 feet in front of us,The guide stoped and told us that we were in charge, he told us were the top was, he told we would see nothing from the top. He said if we wanted to he would take us to the top-but if we wanted to go down early we could. I said the early finish was a good option. So we took the shorter option and we went down to the cafe were the cable car stopped and had coffee and waffles-when i  ordered they just had a fresh batch out of oven-so mine was hot and most most welcome.

Back to the boat-once again a most welcome shower and i discretely dumped my worn out shoes in 2 separate wastepaper baskets on different decks. The “entertainment” that night came from the “headliners” crowd again-as i was not a glutton for punishment i gave them a miss, and chilled out in the casino , watching the quizzes and the karaoke. the karaoke was great too. Some people had done this before and were too good for my liking-but the bad ones were super entertainment- they hadn’t a clue and were most times 2 or 3 lines behind the music.

Thursday was another black tie night-so i gave that a miss. The stop was Bergen-which was a pretty big town-city almost. This also was an early start-8:00 am. Now I am good at the early rising, but i like a slow build up. This one was a waste of time/money. I think I could have done this myself-BUT it did include a cable car ride up to a height were we got great views of the city. The entertainment that night was the Madness tribute band Badness again-with a new show. It was very good but not as good as the first one.

The next day was a cruising day so we were homeward bound-this was long and tedious and activities seemed do be winding down. I heard one man in lift complaining that this was the worst cruise he was ever on-i asked him why, he said staff were very rude to him and the floors in the gents toilets were never cleaned and were covered in urine (i was thinking, well sure the boat is rocking-we are bound to miss the target sometimes-and at that rate they would need somebody in there cleaning 24/7-thus no room to do our business). Also something that made me laugh was the pool table-pool table on a boat? I was half expecting to see a jenga game. Entertainment on Friday night was the comedian Mick Miller again-i was not amused but audience was and i wondered if i was at the same show.

At dinner that night one of the women at our table said that her exercise was walking he six dogs. I asked her if they were all in her house-she said not at the same time. I then asked her if they had relevant names. She looked puzzled and asked me what i meant , I said “Well like -John Boy, Jim Bob, Mary Ellen…” And i got a laugh. Like i said the cruising day dragged and disembarking didn’t come soon enough.

SUMMARY

the cruise may have been good, but NEVER AGAIN. I am pretty active and like the open air and spaces. OK the weather did not help here. If I WAS talked into doing another cruise I think i would need somebody along with me. As on the shore days we could hire bikes and head off exploring on our own. I lost contact with some people on the last night but after an hour looking for them i gave up and had an early night. No free wi-fi on the boat-in this day and age, the holiday cost enough etc. There wasn’t the camaraderie as there is on one of the Irish Cycling Safari holidays i go on-so i didn’t write down email addresses or get full names for facebook. Next year i think it’ll be at least 2 cycling holidays one in Ireland and maybe one in England.

For those that are interested pics are on flickr-just key in the name crabbit man-you shouls get them. If you can’t send me a message and i’ll send a link. And as I said before-NO! there will not be a sequel-BUT I am off to Scotland on a coach trip in November, there will be a report on that too-and as always said i’m too lazy to spell check etc

Ok-it’ll come as no big surprise in telling yous (again?) that the cruise brought out the cynic in me-but somebody (hi Sue if you’re there) once told me I was a cynic with a joie de vivre. Any questions I asked one of the guys at reception got a somewhat patronising answer-but then i can be very curios and i asked some rather bizarre questions.

Now where was I? Monday was the first day the boat docked-so our first “excursion”. The previous evening the entertainment manager-who’s presentation style annoyed me-said that there would be great views of the fjords and said it would be good to get up early to see them as the lighting would be so much better-the boat came into dock at 8:00am and he suggested getting up an hour before that. I am pretty good at getting up early. I did and went up on deck armed with my camera to see a miserably wet and misty morning-waste if time. Moday’s excursion was called “Stavanger Counntryside” starting at 8:30. According to the brochure info we would see the Gloppendasuren Boulderfield “Norway’s largest field of boulders, some as big as houses.” Well to me this was very reminesent of the holy rock of clonrichet (helps to know the show Father Ted) After that we went to see a big craft shop-big shop full of tacky overpriced souvenirs. And included in the price was a mug of coffee and some traditional “lapper” (thick pancakes) with jam and sour cream. Now I had my hopes raised pretty high here, I was expecting a pancake with some unusual kick/flavour-but no, they were like the ones i get in my local supermarket (and the ones in my local bakery were better). As i said this was a miserably wet day and no great views. I DID  see one great shot of a little church with the mountain in background-but bus could not stop. After the trip I had a walk round the little town-saw the old town and got a fridge magnet at a little market stall.

the nights entertainment was another production by the Headliners Theatre Company -i remembered their previous show so i gave them a miss. I went along to see a “comedy magician” who came from Cuba-another mistake. He singled out people in audience to joke with. I saw a woman in a row near the front who was knitting-did he home in our her? canon fodder i thought? did he? No.

Next day was Flaam. The excursion was and  a train ride up a mountain and then a cycle down most of it. Another rainy day-but i was going to get a bike ride-so i did not care. Half way up the mountain the train stopped to see a big waterfall- i’m ok with that too. Flaam is a tiny village-population of about 350. It had a couple of big souvenir shops, a coffee place, a museum all about the building of the railway (which was one of the main employment things there) and it was fascinating , and a KFC (joke joke). The bike ride down was great, brakes. were a different way round as in uk (no real problem) and if you back pedalled it worked the back brakes (and quickly) now this DID take some getting used to for me, as when i freewheel down a hill on the gerdymobile i tend to back pedal as to give the legs something to do. As we had time to stop and take in the view, i really liked this. So the crabbitman had a pretty good day today. As it was pretty wet, much that i enjoyed the day-i was glad to see the boat and my shower (in that order) . there was a little market here-where I got a great bar of chocolate and another fridge magnet.

pics are of Flaam. Now the nights entertainment was a magic show called “Astonishing” the blurb in the daily info sheet said “Prepare to be amazed with this brand new magic and illusion show” “that from start to finish will leave you thinking ‘how did they do that?’ I should have read the small print  (well you could not miss this it was in big letters) “Headliners Theatre Company Presents…” Yep it was that nauseating song and dance troupe again. Going in we were given an envelope and was told not to open the envelope until we were told as it would “ruin the trick.” They did the same trick to different songs. The one were somebody stands on a box, gets into a big bag and when the bag is dropped somebody else gets out. At one or two points i could see a third hand holding the bag up. At another point one of the girls was singing and she did a twirl and the short dress changed into a long one. The man beside me said he was impressed with the way it was done. I told him it was an American dress, one yank and it’s off. And the envelope? it contained 4 cards- it was the one were you shuffle the cards/tear in half discard one half and keep the top card. then with the other half you moved cards around and threw ones away-by the end the 2 cards matched-a simple maths type trick. I was not impressed-and if i new it was that song and dance crowd i would have found a newly painted wall to watch it dry-would have been more varied.

After this we were off to the casino again. There was a movie quiz. I did not take part but helped a couple who were struggling. One question was What movie does this line come from -“You can’t fight in here, this is the war room.”  I told i almost certain it came from Dr Strangelove. They said that they had never heard of it and decided to go with a choice of there own. I told them that when they hear the answers and i am right they will know about it (i am a good loser but a bad winner). They apologised for not listening to me -cos if they did they would have tied for 1st place and there would have been a tie breaker. I was curios and i asked the woman doing the quiz what the tie breaker was -“What year was the film ‘the shootist’* made? i was a year out.

to be concluded-like all trilogy’s

*The Shootist was John Wayne’s last movie. So it was the around the year he died-obviously.

when she was giving out the answers she would ask the question again and the crowd would call out the answers. There was a couple were i was the only one answering. one was to name the rom/com that was based round 10 linked stories-i shouted out ….”Debbie Does Dallas.”   Oh and the view of the fyords was a bit better when leaving the shore

When I got my early retirement deal I made a kind of Bucket List. Nothing exciting on it-well not yet. Mine is like the Morgan Freeman list in the movie.

One of the things on it was to experience a cruise. A friend told me that I would not like it, the whole being cooped up and all that. When I told her I was thinking of Norway , she told me that with the aspect of seeing the fjords-that might be different. So I booked one with P&O ferries-not cheap. The woman in the local travel agents  had done this one and mentioned one land excursion I would need to pre book as she knew it was very popular-up the mountain in a train and back down on a bike-that sounds good to me. So she also told me , as i was travelling on my own i would be better pre-booking a dinner table. This would mean I would be eating with the same people every night.

Skip the journey to airport to the start. Cabin had twin beds (was on my own) And a small shower. The boat/ship  (just gonna say boat) had a sort of daily newspaper that told us what was going on-games/entertainment feeding times etc. And sometimes i wished i had read the small print.

First moan was-no free wi-fi on the boat-the holiday was dear enough. And in this day and age and so on and so on.

The big entertainment of the first night was a troupé called Headliners Theatre Company , and their show was called ” Electric Avenue” they did songs from (and i quote) “the decade of excess that was the 80s.” singing and dancing to a backing track they did songs by michael jackson,phil oakley, madonna (and gawd forbid) Prince and the like. This was a pain to my ears. Just too glitzy and all the dance routines looked the same to me. The woman beside me (who was at my dinner table) said she could see the gaps in the clothes were they pulled them off for a costume change.  This show seemed to drag on and on. It was very repetitive and dull. If it was not too dark and i could not see the door i would have been out of there after 2 or 3 songs.

i was up from before the crack of dawn to get to the airport-so i had a fairly early night. when i got to my cabin the paper telling me the next day’s programme was left on my bed.

SUNDAY was a cruising day-Norway was still a fair bit away. Dress code for dinner was “Black Tie.” I did not want to do this.  At 9:30 am there was a “solo travellers get together” -this actually was good. i asked if anybody was not up for the black tie thing and two english men said that they were. We discovered that the buffet was not a black tie thing so we arranged to do that. And as we were on own on we kept each other company on the boat. There was also “free table games lessons”. This was in the casino and we were taught the basics of the roulete, blackjack, and 3 card poker (forgot their name for it). And for attending we got “free vouchers” for the casino (you had to match the bet on the voucher-but was only £3).

There was another solo travellers get together at 4pm-as the queues in the buffet were bedlam-and here we got served- i decided this was a better option.

The big band that night was a Madness tribute band called Badness . They did stuff from the ska period (madness, bad manners, the specials etc etc) And they were actually very good. A live band who had a very good feed back with the crowd. After that it was off to the casino to use my vouchers.

The casino proved to be a pretty good spectator sport. Watching people lose loads of money,win it back and then lose it all and more. Me? I had a set amount to play with here, so i did not lose much-think i actually broke even. My friend from the solo tea party and i got hooked up with an english couple at the roulette wheel and proved good company.

There was quizzes going on in here 2 or 3 times a day. No cash at the bar. We just handed over our “cruise card” some of us had “spending money” on our ticket-so i kept pretty much within it.

to be continued