Once I learned Milford High has a sandlot, today’s post title was a natural. (Acceptable alternate titles would have included The Longest Day, It’s Another Tequila Sunset, [The Mudlarks Wanna Wear My] Red Shoes.) Once I learned Milford High is still fielding a baseball team – one we never see – I realized that today’s strip was just one big troll. Let’s break it down, shall we?
P1: Tiny putter, oversized golf ball, hovering in red sneakers, and what the hell is going on above his knees? Who is “he” anyway?
PP2-3: Telling but not showing the baseball season (who’s coaching baseball? gotta be Luke, no?); the crowd is a monochromatic shadow when nothing and no one else is; the new colorist can’t even color a sunset correctly!
P3: Even Gil knows what just finished was a “match.” Calling it a “game” is just playing dumb and feeding the narrative that he’s bad at golf. Add the handshake while still wearing a golf glove (why would the coach be doing that, anyway?) and it’s a big double diss to the ex. Emily’s “those who can, do; those who can’t, coach” retort is weaksauce.
Tomorrow: back to the ICE detention center? Keri’s social justice crusade? Or do we find out where Jami’s been all this time? See you then!
I know you think you’re the Queen of the golfing grounds
You can
Send me dead rodents every morning
Send me dead rodents by the mail
Send me dead rodents at Beth’s wedding
And I’ll never forget to put roses on your gravvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee
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O Gang O Gang, what better opportunity to expess my love for my Rolling Stones than with a selection off of their blockbuster album, “Sticky Fingers”???? The song “Dead Flowers” is a fave among many Louisvillians due to its reference to the Kentucky Derby. Hey, when it slays the Gil, all the more reason to raid the vaults and bear it proudly for public domain. More fun than pursuing the Holy Grail.
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Gram Parsons was an excellent Rock musician who made tracks with groups such as the Rock heavyweight Flying Burrito Brothers.
But Parsons bored easily. He wanted in the worst way to crack the Nashville scene, given his love of Country music. But love could only travel so far. You didn’t just walk off the street and plop on stage at the Grand Ole Opry. Then there was the issue with his hair. You have a lot of long-haired male Country stars now(David Allan Coe comes to mind plus that perm artistry by Conway Twitty as well) but in the 60’s and early ‘70’s, the Nashville contingent were hellbent on not allowing any hippie Communist gracing the stage with the likes of Tom T. Hall or George Jones. This was unfair because Parsons was not trying to send any messages other than that he loved Country music.
Boy, when Emmylou Harris found out about how Nashville was mistreating Parsons, she went ballistic. And because she was well on her way to winning fourteen Grammys, Nashville listened. Her contention was, dammit, the man loves Country and wants to play it at fever pitch. Who cares what his hair looks like???? Do we blackball George Jones because he drank his way into a bitter divorce(which was true)???? Nashville backed down.
”Return of the Grievous Angel” is to die for. The duet of Parsons and Harris just sends me. Check it out.
Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer
”Milford Musicians Association Still Protests Gil And Mimi Crooning ‘Return Of The Grievous Mudlark’ At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
”Doesn’t she tee off that day????”
REX ALERT!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!
Remember the movie called Masada???? It was about a small contingent of around 900 Jews who found themselves in a no-win situation with the Roman army around 73-74 A.D. They were trapped on this mountainous fortress mainly built by Herod the Great when he ruled c.37-4 B.C. The fortress is in the southeast part of present-day Israel, located in the desert overlooking the Dead Sea.
This small group of Jews had no chance against the powerful Roman army. It was a valiant effort but it looked like these Jews would have to surrender and be enslaved by the Roman government.
Then something unusual happened. These Jews poisoned themselves, all 960 of them, and snatched victory away from the Romans. What could the Roman army do now? To round this out, Masada is a UN World Heritage Site today, commemorating this noble gesture.
But isn’t that what Fatty Butt is doing???? Pulling a Masada on Sharp Dressed Oreck Man???? As she mentioned, if Snake-for-Ethics finally put two and two together and came up with the Bertha Butt Boogie, don’t you think other people will eventually sing the same damn tune????
C’mon, Snaky Ethics, if Candy is laying in the grass as if she had a severe case of diarrhea and you see a plate of brownies, a bowl of red onions, two cans of Alpo Chicken ‘n’ Grits, a London broil in Reynolds Wrap, and some Gala apples all splayed out on a picnic blanket, do you honestly think she contracted the poops digesting red onions???? That she OD’d on collared greens???? And how would a dog know how to use a can opener to indulge in Alpo or for that matter rip up the bag of Kibbles and Bits???? Use your head, Snake-for-Ethics. That’s what deductive reasoning is for. Candy ate the brownies which caused the pseudo-DOA in the same way that Grandma Moses, given her similar ability to figure that a fatass duck that walks like a duck and smokes Tarytons like a duck and pigs out on pepperoni slices like a duck, will finally conclude that by gum, it’s a fatass duck who will sing a duet in the near future with ol’ Mud on “Them Muddy Boots.” You can take that to the bank. Oops, perhaps the wrong way to put it, given the situation, but you know what I mean. You should have left this with Friday and Gannon and split it three ways. You could have still quit your day job.
As it stands, you can’t even finance a toothpick they keep in a little container by the cash register. Way to blow this golden opportunity, Mr. Snake-for-Ethics.
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This is absurd. I’m not even about to do Reductio ad Absurdum, a method of proving an argument correct by reasoning through the process of its opposite. Proving that nobody but nobody broaches Vegas odds in relation to high school sports???? We prove otherwise by coaxing Coach Dale to throw his paycheck away at the Hickory craps table in front of Jimmy Chitwood???? Have Roger and J.P. send their allowance to a bookie and the Angels in the Outfield go bankrupt with George Knox flashing a bull whip on their behinds to teach them to never raid the piggy bank when the Angels are projected 1,000,000 to 1 that the Angels will win their Division????
I do believe some idiotic notions speak volumes for themselves without my having to loan Coach Dale a Grant.
And I’m with Teenchy. I have fewer rays of hope and less confidence that we are going to escape from Plotline Hell if many rodents dominate much of the landscape. More or less.
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Well, we don’t think Ben or Willard will raid the Valley Conference Golf Tournament. I heard they sprayed #5 Dog Leg Left with several cubic feet of Janitor in a Drum. The putting should roll the same.
God bless you, Gang.
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Ericka and you sitting back
In your trash-filled Cadillac
Making bets on Kentucky Derby days
I’ll be in my office room
With old-fashioneds and a spoon
And some Delaware T’s to melt my pain away
Take me down, Little Mimi, take me dooooowwwwwwwnnnnnn…
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Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer
”Keith Richards Denied Rumors Of Nuptials With Heehaw!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
”They tol’ me that Heehaw nidded ta wayke up so me ‘n’ th’ band wawlked into th’ rume ‘n’ stawrted awn sum Dead Flowers. We even gayve hawr tikkets ta tha Kintuhky Dawrby cuz she lukked like she nidded ta get out uv tha casket Mimi’.”
This time its Jackie Carter doing the honors for this mystery broadcast at FarmYard. Guess her mike has no cord. Everyone is a different color. May the best color win. Sunscreen is optional.
I’m going to miss it. I’m going over the pond to Ireland and Scotland for 10 days and along the way will see the home of golf, the Old Course at St. Andrews. So bon voyage, au juer, and hasta la vista to all these dopes for a week and a half. If you think I’ll miss this charade that passes for golf, well, I’ve got some land in Nova Scotia to sell you. I’d rather run into the Loch Ness Monster himself than look at this disaster 6 days a week.
So Joan Rivers and company, strap it down and bow your necks. I will return to these airwaves on Memorial Day. Unless our flight home gets cancelled like it did in Australia last year. Then I will be spared one more day of analyzing manure on a screen. Maybe I’ll even miss the wedding. You should all be so lucky. Have some cake for me. Thanks again to Team TWIM.
Now we move on to the fallout from Keri’s grounding and suspension. Was she suspended from school or just from the basketball team? Reply hazy, try again. Now we see true Gil Thorp “coaching” in action. When the team is at full strength, he’s on the sidelines; when the stars are suspended, he leaves Ochoa to clean up the mess. Good thing she has experience with jayvee super subs, having been one herself.
Too bad the artwork doesn’t support the dialogue. Easy enough to call this another Strother Martin moment, but this isn’t failure to communicate on Henry’s part. The dialogue in P1 matches up better to the artwork in P2, where a New ThaYER player appears to be driving to the basket. (Nice to see a Valley team other than Milford, VT and Goshen for once, even if their name’s screwed up on their jerseys.) In her drive to the basket, Lopez appears to knocked the Milford girl’s face clean off.
In yesterday’s comments, faithful TWIMer hitorque mused that, in the old Thorpiverse, this suspension would get the full Marty Moon treatment. Wishful thinking now that Marty’s been turned into an emasculated recovering alcoholic (whatever happened to his daughter, BTW?) who drinks with Gil’s rivals. Jackie Carter, however, may have created an opportunity for exactly that as she spills the tea on the air. How much of this would’ve been public knowledge and how much of it would have had to been spilled by the Milford sports information department? Also, who is the severe-looking blonde with the headset sitting next to Jackie? Fox News covering Valley hoops now? Talk amongst yourselves. teenchy out.
Well its a fine day for some gridiron action, and at Jefferson field no less, where the players themselves are carrying both the school flags and Old Glory herself, instead of the cheerleaders doing the honors. Our guest artist cant even get through a panel without messing something up. (Psst Kit…. nobody does it like that)
And wherever that banner is unfurled somebody still needs to hold both ends. Like more cheerleaders. Players run onto the field after the band and cheerleaders in this world.
P2 we have our old announcer Jackie Carter back from her flat tire (which took a couple months to fix) and perhaps Marty only does home games per his court order. But what the hell is this with the news that we have no news on the Tobe situation? And who is “Milfords running back”? Name him please. I hope that flat tire didnt take away all your useable brain matter. Nice sound board by the way at Jefferson. What you need it for is dubious.
Annnd P3- Kit fumbles the ball at the goal line. Gil and Toby are exchanging words while Toby not only looks heavier, he isnt anywhere near ready to play football in that getup. No pads, no number, no helmet, and…. no other players nearby. Hey look – Gil has a head set on! As Heart would sing — Never! Never! … have we seen that on him. But its a new day in Tampa Bay as the old football adage goes, and we’re still slipping on banana peels as we go.
How on Gods green earth this matter is going game to game is beyond me. We’re basically back to where we were on September 12. 31 days later, which is an eternity in high school sports, we have NO RESOLUTION.
And Im betting the snow will be falling before we do.
Gentle readers, thank you for putting up with my delay in posting this weekend. Yesterday evening, I came home after spending the day outdoors. I have no idea what was in the air where I was but it wreaked havoc on my eyes and nose. I took a Benadryl and put some warm compresses on my eyes, which helped a little. When I woke up I didn’t hurt as much but my eyelids and the insides of my nostrils were still swollen. Some antihistamines and a steroid cream on the eyelids helped even more. Think I’ll be staying indoors for the next few days – not a bad idea when the high temps are supposed to touch triple digits Fahrenheit.
But enough about me. What happened in Milford yesterday? The Muldarks partied like it’s 2023, just for finishing a game over .500. Marty Moon, P.I. signs off all cocky and shit. “Catch you on the other side.” Other side of what, your next A.A. meeting? That WDIG let him get away with filling in for Jackie and did not pull the plug on the broadcast as soon as someone in the studio heard his voice suspends belief.
How the mighty have fallen. You can say that about the Milford baseball team; you can say that about Marty Moon; you can say that about the strip Gil Thorp as a whole. Nice crack about taking a Gatorade-soaked Muldark team photo for “the school’s funny paper.” This strip is now funny only in the ironic sense.
Post title inspiration is, of course, from the 1958 Warner Bros. short Robin Hood Daffy.
Okay, so Marty didn’t have to walk through the doors of WDIG to go on the air in Jackie’s place. He just had to show up in the PRESS BOX at Milford High Ballpark, put on the headset and let fly.
Obviously some suspension of disbelief is in order. We’re expected to believe no one from WDIG is there who would report this back to the office immediately if not sooner. We’re expected to believe someone who was fired from their job (a firing, need I remind y’all, that was retconned from a TWO. WEEK. SUSPENSION.) would, without hesitation, voluntarily fill in for their replacement without pay at a moment’s notice. We’ve also been expected to believe that, after a very public cuckolding, massive budget cuts and hiring replacements, Gil would rehire his ex-wife to do her old job. Finally, we’re expected to believe that, of everyone who was involved in that “team building exorcise,” only Luke faced any repercussions. Still waitin’ on that ‘splainin’, Henry.
Then again, this is Marty we’re talking about after all – a guy whose sense of self revolves completely around being The Voice of Milford Sports and who crumbled into dereliction when his voice was taken away. Why he didn’t keep his podcast going after he got canned is beyond me. It would’ve given him an outlet to air his grievances, to apologize for being drunk on the air, and to try and stay relevant. In today’s world, where a person’s bad behavior is tolerated and even encouraged so long as the public supports that person’s politics, Marty would definitely find a receptive audience.
Nice zoom feature on today’s P3, Merrill. Rearranging the dashes on Marty’s face isn’t fooling anyone. Drawing all those curves the past couple of days must have been very tiring. Monday’s strip should zoom right up Marty’s nostril, followed up by a smash cut to WDIG’s phone lines lit up like a Christmas tree.
Speaking of very tiring, it must’ve been that way filling in for me while I was away. My thanks to tdrew and Rob for holding down the fort in my absence. teenchy out.
Jackie Carter is in a bit of a jam. She’s having to change a flat tire by the side of the road, and the person in the car in the middle of the field on the opposite side of the road is in no place to help her. No worries, Jackie’s got the situation (and a tire iron) in hand. She’s running late to her job, though, and she could use* a hand of another kind. Does she call the station and ask whoever’s behind the mike now to put on the live version of “Do You Feel Like We Do” until she can get there? Nope, she calls…
…Marty Moon? Are we sure that’s Marty and not Freddie MercuryRon Jeremy Tom Selleck? The “first place” trophy that’s a gold-plated Mr. Microphone is a clue. So is the dog, I think. Last time we saw her she was a lot bigger and barely distinguishable as a dog. Marty was barely distinguishable as a human, too.
Which leads me to another question: Did someone at the syndicate finally read Merrill the riot act? Marty might not look like the Evil Spock of old, but he and Jackie look like actual people rather than Potato Head features stuck on a bar of Octagon Soap. Daisy there looks like a very tall Long-haired Dachshund or a very short Irish Setter, but is recognizable as a dog. There are actual curved lines in today’s strip. Maybe the artwork is turning a corner, no pun intended.
We’re getting set up for a cliffhanger in which Marty shows up at WDIG unannounced and uninvited. Will he be let in the door and behind the mike? Or is he gonna have to take his Thomas Magnum cosplay somewhere else? No matter, it gives me a good excuse to post this spot-on, shot-for-shot parody of one of the all-time great detective show opening credits.
*Shouldn’t that read “need a favor,” not “have a favor”? If she had a favor, she’d do it for Marty. Hmm, maybe getting Marty to fill in for her is doing him a favor? Pondering…
This Week in Milford 
Hard to dribble with a facehugger clamped onto your head
Now we move on to the fallout from Keri’s grounding and suspension. Was she suspended from school or just from the basketball team? Reply hazy, try again. Now we see true Gil Thorp “coaching” in action. When the team is at full strength, he’s on the sidelines; when the stars are suspended, he leaves Ochoa to clean up the mess. Good thing she has experience with jayvee super subs, having been one herself.
Too bad the artwork doesn’t support the dialogue. Easy enough to call this another Strother Martin moment, but this isn’t failure to communicate on Henry’s part. The dialogue in P1 matches up better to the artwork in P2, where a
New ThaYER player appears to be driving to the basket. (Nice to see a Valley team other than Milford, VT and Goshen for once, even if their name’s screwed up on their jerseys.) In her drive to the basket, Lopez appears to knocked the Milford girl’s face clean off.In yesterday’s comments, faithful TWIMer hitorque mused that, in the old Thorpiverse, this suspension would get the full Marty Moon treatment. Wishful thinking now that Marty’s been turned into an emasculated recovering alcoholic (whatever happened to his daughter, BTW?) who drinks with Gil’s rivals. Jackie Carter, however, may have created an opportunity for exactly that as she spills the tea on the air. How much of this would’ve been public knowledge and how much of it would have had to been spilled by the Milford sports information department? Also, who is the severe-looking blonde with the headset sitting next to Jackie? Fox News covering Valley hoops now? Talk amongst yourselves. teenchy out.