Almost tempted to do another MopMan treatment today but the word balloons aren’t big enough and tbh, it’s the artwork that lets the dialogue down more so than the other way around.
The first panel starts out innocently enough, even with the overused Barney Pub exterior shot. Merrill has had plenty of time to fix the spelling error; why hasn’t she? Oh, yeah, just doing her part as one half of the DOGE of the comics pages. The Cami/Beth banter seems plausible enough…
…until you get to panel two. A stern-faced Cami – oops, she’s still in her work uniform so make that Coach Ochoa – has the gall to make possibly one of the most tone-deaf, biased and misinformed statements I’ve ever read in this strip. The “Milford royalty” part? Okay, maybe we’ll give her that. Milford has always been a tank town so putting its high-school-sports-coaching spouses on a pedestal is par for the course. But “the perfect couple”?
How do you define “the perfect couple,” Cami? A couple in which one partner is a closeted homosexual and the other is clueless about it until the closeted one comes out and initiates divorce proceedings? A couple in which the clueless one flirts with the bartender who would become his future fiancee while still married to the closeted homosexual? A couple in which the closeted one can’t remain cordial post-divorce for the sake of their kids – or show any concern for the kids, period, except to blame the clueless one for their shortcomings? This says more about Cami than it does about Gil and Mimi. Remember she was first introduced to we gentle readers late in the Rubin Era as a super soph promoted from jayvee who lit a fire under the Lady Mudlarks. Then Barajas aged her, had her join the Milford coaching staff (where she still lit fires), and made her canonically (yet another) lesbian. Maybe that explains why she saw the Thorps as “the perfect couple.”
It’s almost as if she’s blaming Beth for breaking them up, which would explain why her looks don’t match her words in panel three. (Actually it’s because Merrill couldn’t be bothered to change more than one element in the panel. This has been a running gag for her lately; two of three panels identical save for changing an arm or a facial expression, the third original artwork. We don’t even get that today. Again, the DOGE of the comics pages.) What isn’t an almost is that Cami qualifies her acceptance of Beth as conditional upon Gil’s acceptance of Beth.
Though she puts on a smile, it finally dawns on Beth that everything in Milford revolves around her husband-to-be. Milford is a jockocracy, and Gil is the head jock. His name is even spelled out in little picture frames on the walls of Barney’s Pub. (Granted, she might’ve done that, but still.) Her little elbow at Cami is just a subtle gesture acknowledging that sports are king and queen of Milford. Well that, or a subtle dig at Cami’s hockey coaching ability.
Let the record show that this was Whigham’s version of Big Momma Thorp. Note that all three panels contain different artwork, whereas today’s strip contains two panels cut/pasted from yesterday’s strip.
Let the record also show that Barajas was writing the strip when this version of Big Momma Thorp made her appearance.
Why, then, the personality change from being somewhat sympathetic to being yet another harpy? What’s that you say? The two aren’t mutually exclusive? Big Momma can be strong and caring and want the best for her boy and, at the same time, think that settling for the first woman who throws herself at him after the ink dries on his divorce papers is not the best for her boy?
That is what’s going on here, isn’t it? This isn’t so much trying to control every aspect of Beth and Gil’s wedding as it is a not so subtle hint that Beth truly doesn’t know Gil as well as she thinks she does – or at least not well enough to marry him. Instead of putting on her Ace Frehley makeup again, Beth needs to grow a pair and tell Big Momma where to step off. That would require character development on her part that has yet to happen.
Since her introduction, Beth has existed solely in terms of Gil. We saw her first as a secret admirer, then a not-so-secret admirer, then a live-in-lover and now a bride-to-be. No friends, no family, no backstory, no personality; Beth is the ultimate Bechdel fail. At least she’s not a complete shrew like Emily/Mimi, Peaches, Dr. Pearl and the updated Big Momma Thorp, or hot to get into Emily/Mimi’s pants like Ericka and Roxy. Why is it so hard for Henry to write a sympathetic female character, or at least one with depth?
So there you have it: your summer plot is Beth ‘n Gil’s Wedding: Will They or Won’t They? Wonder if any news outlets that still run Gil Thorp run it in the sports section.
Back on March 27, we were told “this year’s golf program is going to get very interesting!” When exactly did that happen?
On April 14, there were enough kids standing around the first tee to fill a short bus. How come we only ever saw two of them play?
Both Lucas and Dorothy learned from the best. They learned to keep their golf gloves on when shaking hands. Meanwhile Gil stays identical from P1 to P2 less getting his left arm amputated and a slightly different handshake grip.
Whichever member of the Gil Thorp brain trust is responsible for lettering should run Death Valleys ’til they puke for adding the superfluous comma in Dot’s last word balloon in P2. Instead of telling Gil not to call her Shirley, she’s calling Gil Shirley and telling him not to call her, period. Surely Leslie Nielsen is rolling over somewhere.
Monday being Memorial Day, expect an awkward holiday strip with even more awkward artwork. Whigham’s “Gil Thorp, Flying Leatherneck” is becoming a distant memory.
Tuesday? Peanut’s latest social justice crusade: battling the climate change in the Valley that turned Farmyard Golf Course from green to brown to the barren desert it is today.
Drought conditions have stricken Farmyard Golf Course. That, or the greenskeepers have spread manure over the greens. Not a problem for VT’s Alana Trinkle, she of the magical disappearing/reappearing/jumping from hand-to-hand golf glove, who places her shot from the bunker two feet from the pin. Then what? Time to turn to her coach and Wonder Twin Powers… Activate!
Shape of… a gender-ambiguous teen!
Form of… a bitter lesbian ex-golf pro!
Powers thus activated, Emily fawns over Alana publicly, showering her with the praise she never bestowed on her own children. Meanwhile, beady-eyed Gil stares at Dorothy, who looks like she’d rather be in France with Beldar and Prymaat.
What is it with these coaches constantly appearing at the side of players who just hit their shots? There are multiple foursomes on the course. Do Gil and Emily have residual Wonder Twin Powers of their own? Talk amongst yourselves. teenchy out.
meta: tdrew, will be glad to let you take Monday’s post. This cliffhanger is too suspenseful for my delicate constitution.
I know you think you’re the Queen of the golfing grounds
You can
Send me dead rodents every morning
Send me dead rodents by the mail
Send me dead rodents at Beth’s wedding
And I’ll never forget to put roses on your gravvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee
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O Gang O Gang, what better opportunity to expess my love for my Rolling Stones than with a selection off of their blockbuster album, “Sticky Fingers”???? The song “Dead Flowers” is a fave among many Louisvillians due to its reference to the Kentucky Derby. Hey, when it slays the Gil, all the more reason to raid the vaults and bear it proudly for public domain. More fun than pursuing the Holy Grail.
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Gram Parsons was an excellent Rock musician who made tracks with groups such as the Rock heavyweight Flying Burrito Brothers.
But Parsons bored easily. He wanted in the worst way to crack the Nashville scene, given his love of Country music. But love could only travel so far. You didn’t just walk off the street and plop on stage at the Grand Ole Opry. Then there was the issue with his hair. You have a lot of long-haired male Country stars now(David Allan Coe comes to mind plus that perm artistry by Conway Twitty as well) but in the 60’s and early ‘70’s, the Nashville contingent were hellbent on not allowing any hippie Communist gracing the stage with the likes of Tom T. Hall or George Jones. This was unfair because Parsons was not trying to send any messages other than that he loved Country music.
Boy, when Emmylou Harris found out about how Nashville was mistreating Parsons, she went ballistic. And because she was well on her way to winning fourteen Grammys, Nashville listened. Her contention was, dammit, the man loves Country and wants to play it at fever pitch. Who cares what his hair looks like???? Do we blackball George Jones because he drank his way into a bitter divorce(which was true)???? Nashville backed down.
”Return of the Grievous Angel” is to die for. The duet of Parsons and Harris just sends me. Check it out.
Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer
”Milford Musicians Association Still Protests Gil And Mimi Crooning ‘Return Of The Grievous Mudlark’ At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
”Doesn’t she tee off that day????”
REX ALERT!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!
Remember the movie called Masada???? It was about a small contingent of around 900 Jews who found themselves in a no-win situation with the Roman army around 73-74 A.D. They were trapped on this mountainous fortress mainly built by Herod the Great when he ruled c.37-4 B.C. The fortress is in the southeast part of present-day Israel, located in the desert overlooking the Dead Sea.
This small group of Jews had no chance against the powerful Roman army. It was a valiant effort but it looked like these Jews would have to surrender and be enslaved by the Roman government.
Then something unusual happened. These Jews poisoned themselves, all 960 of them, and snatched victory away from the Romans. What could the Roman army do now? To round this out, Masada is a UN World Heritage Site today, commemorating this noble gesture.
But isn’t that what Fatty Butt is doing???? Pulling a Masada on Sharp Dressed Oreck Man???? As she mentioned, if Snake-for-Ethics finally put two and two together and came up with the Bertha Butt Boogie, don’t you think other people will eventually sing the same damn tune????
C’mon, Snaky Ethics, if Candy is laying in the grass as if she had a severe case of diarrhea and you see a plate of brownies, a bowl of red onions, two cans of Alpo Chicken ‘n’ Grits, a London broil in Reynolds Wrap, and some Gala apples all splayed out on a picnic blanket, do you honestly think she contracted the poops digesting red onions???? That she OD’d on collared greens???? And how would a dog know how to use a can opener to indulge in Alpo or for that matter rip up the bag of Kibbles and Bits???? Use your head, Snake-for-Ethics. That’s what deductive reasoning is for. Candy ate the brownies which caused the pseudo-DOA in the same way that Grandma Moses, given her similar ability to figure that a fatass duck that walks like a duck and smokes Tarytons like a duck and pigs out on pepperoni slices like a duck, will finally conclude that by gum, it’s a fatass duck who will sing a duet in the near future with ol’ Mud on “Them Muddy Boots.” You can take that to the bank. Oops, perhaps the wrong way to put it, given the situation, but you know what I mean. You should have left this with Friday and Gannon and split it three ways. You could have still quit your day job.
As it stands, you can’t even finance a toothpick they keep in a little container by the cash register. Way to blow this golden opportunity, Mr. Snake-for-Ethics.
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This is absurd. I’m not even about to do Reductio ad Absurdum, a method of proving an argument correct by reasoning through the process of its opposite. Proving that nobody but nobody broaches Vegas odds in relation to high school sports???? We prove otherwise by coaxing Coach Dale to throw his paycheck away at the Hickory craps table in front of Jimmy Chitwood???? Have Roger and J.P. send their allowance to a bookie and the Angels in the Outfield go bankrupt with George Knox flashing a bull whip on their behinds to teach them to never raid the piggy bank when the Angels are projected 1,000,000 to 1 that the Angels will win their Division????
I do believe some idiotic notions speak volumes for themselves without my having to loan Coach Dale a Grant.
And I’m with Teenchy. I have fewer rays of hope and less confidence that we are going to escape from Plotline Hell if many rodents dominate much of the landscape. More or less.
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Well, we don’t think Ben or Willard will raid the Valley Conference Golf Tournament. I heard they sprayed #5 Dog Leg Left with several cubic feet of Janitor in a Drum. The putting should roll the same.
God bless you, Gang.
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Ericka and you sitting back
In your trash-filled Cadillac
Making bets on Kentucky Derby days
I’ll be in my office room
With old-fashioneds and a spoon
And some Delaware T’s to melt my pain away
Take me down, Little Mimi, take me dooooowwwwwwwnnnnnn…
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Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer
”Keith Richards Denied Rumors Of Nuptials With Heehaw!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
”They tol’ me that Heehaw nidded ta wayke up so me ‘n’ th’ band wawlked into th’ rume ‘n’ stawrted awn sum Dead Flowers. We even gayve hawr tikkets ta tha Kintuhky Dawrby cuz she lukked like she nidded ta get out uv tha casket Mimi’.”
Wow – Great River golf course actually does exist – its in Milford Connecticut. https://greatrivergolfclub.com/ Looks beautiful, they have weddings, private events, dining, etc. Too bad the artist cant do it justice,. And it aint cheap either. Family membership is $12k a year and junior members get in for just $4475. I pay roughly 1000 dollars to play 30 rounds a year at many courses. Way more fun. How theyre letting these kids play for free is a head scratcher, and anyway, the course looks to be way too hard for some walk-ons who just signed up because Gil announced tryouts with 6 hours notice, if that.
So its a Class 3A tournament now? We go from first match to a tourney already. Dont the teams play a season before this? There’s so many co-ed teams that they already designate classes? Not just one big blob of schools for one trophy? And of course they cant help but pit Milford and Goshen together again. How many rounds is this tourney? After this match who plays who? Where? How is there room on the course for all the other teams if this is the main location? Im out of breath from all these questions.
And of course we have the obligatory handshake between Gil and Gerads, (lefthanded)* And this time its Gil who squeezes Gonads hand so hard it hurts. Ah, payback is sweet no matter how dipshitty it is. The onlookers know whats going on as they all veer sideways for the moment. Are these all media reporters or parents? How they all dont fall over at once is a feat.
*Rachel sure has this thing about doing things lefthanded, as we will see on the course.
P1- we found Gonads while he was dressing for his bagpipe practice and before he put his right sleeve in he said he’s currently working for free at Goshen. No wonder he’s always in ill humor. How the reporter can keep a straight face looking at him is beyond me. At least he’s on the periphery of events this time. He acts like every other day he’s being pestered by a reporter. Just say ‘no comment’ if you prefer not to answer anything.
P2 – wow its a VT baseball player. Unless thats the coach. Couldnt they interview him at the school with normal clothes on? Is that the same guy who was worried about his kids the other day? And uh, whats in the background? Looks like a pitcher and catcher, but what kind of flat mound is that? The pitcher has a green outfit on, the catcher is squatting on a big circle with nothing behind him/her or next to him/her. If thats a uniform, it looks nothing like the coaches; and has no number on the back. Dont tell me its practice. The coach doesnt dress like that for practice. And where is everyone else, again? All these public service announcements falling on deaf ears.
P3 – its good ol Mimi spouting more nonsense about some other school she shouldnt be worried about. Looks like a rather warm top for being indoors. And whats behind her? Ok— if thats volleyball, that net is way too low. Looks like 3 girls on 1 side and 1 on the other, and the ball is near the knee of the girl in the green outfit, which is of course different from the other 3 girls outfits. So what the hell theyre doing is beyond me, as usual. None of them is looking at the ball and their hands arent in appropriate positions. Mimi spouts more propaganda about the greatness of Milford as a place to go, even though she recently left.
So you can add baseball and volleyball to sports Rachel has no idea how to draw. Plus being dressed. Thats our main accomplishment today. Hoo boy.
That co-ed golf thing is rotting away like an old cucumber. Too busy telling us how great everything is.
Three identical panels today, save for eyes, mouths, shirt wrinkles, and background randos. Oh, and those word balloons, which is what we probably should focus on.
Isn’t it funny how Gil never seems to get bothered when his older child pulls some stunt? Isn’t it funnier that Milford High hasn’t had a walkout before this? Not even during the ‘Nam or any of our other little excursions? (That’s my signal to the hive mind to hit the archives.)
Then we come to Ochoa. Is she pulling another retcon, like the time she forgot that she got into a fight with Gil as a student? In making the leap from supersoph hoopster to fully grown lesbian coach, she got a lot of informed backstory. She also got a lotta nerve. I reckon it’s okay to insult your co-worker in front of your boss as long as it’s in a language that’s different from your boss’s first language, n’est-ce pas, salope?
As for that co-worker, someone needs to check his motivation. Luke “No-Neck” Martinez echoes the law-and-order party line. Easy for him to do: he’s got a pity job from his boss and his wife’s a highly successful cardiac surgeon. This practically makes him the Establishment. Of course he’s big on pulling the ladder up behind him. Given that ICE goes after anyone darker than Gil and with the barest hint of a Latino name, both he and Ochoa need to keep their heads on a swivel.
This Week in Milford 
