Tag Archives: fiction

The Hotel Bathtub Debacle and Other Exciting Tidbits …

21 May

Two nights ago, a friend sent me a funny post. She said it was her “favorite summer video, she posts it EVERY summer, and here it was again.” And she was right … it was funny.

A middle-aged woman in a pink dress was sitting in a kayak on the bank of a river / lake / body of water holding a rope. She had apparently been thrown the rope from someone on shore who was either desperate to help her or desperate to get a funny video. To me, it seemed like a toss-up but I’m inclined to go with #2 and if that was the reason, score one for the rope tosser.

As she clutched the rope, she attempted to use it for balance while trying to de-kayak, which was proving more difficult than de-planeing ever was. She stood, she twisted, she attempted to put her leg over the side of the boat only to be sabotaged by gravity and flopped back into the seat of that small boat. Her gyrations were funny because, well, they just were, but also because I’m guessing a good number of people viewing that pitiful video couldn’t help but imagine themselves in that same situation with a similar outcome.

Out of breath and full of frustration, the video ended with the woman STILL in the boat with no visible rescue in sight, leaving the viewer laughing uproariously but also wondering what that poor woman’s fate was. Somewhere in the recesses of my recent past, I was pretty sure I knew …

I’m a retired RN. What that means is that out of those 40 years ( a total of 480 months) of VERY active duty, I probably managed to sit down approximately 168 hours (which totals one full week) and most of that time was ‘potty time.’ THAT kind of profession puts huge demands on our knees and veins, not to mention the wear and tear on the bladder (but that’s a topic for a separate anatomical blog). All those years and all those MILES I ended up … as a number of nurses do … having not one but both knees replaced. Being rid of that bone-on-bone knee pain was and is a blessing with only a few little problems to remind me that I’ve had the surgery.

And that reminded me of a recent trip my husband and I took out of state.

We stayed in a VERY nice hotel … many stories high with an atrium and glass-walled elevators that gave an amazing view of everything including two fountains in the atrium with bubbling water bathed in changing-color lights. It was lovely when traveling floor to floor. The food was good and the time we spent there was a delight.

Our room was a suite, which was cool and the bathroom was slightly larger than I expected.

We were at a conference, which was fun and great to see a lot of people we don’t see very often. Every day was jam-packed with activities that left us very tired at the end of the day. When we finally landed back in our suite for the night all I wanted to do was take a warm soaking bath and go to bed. And so, I DID that … or … I tried.

At home we have a large whirlpool bathtub … one of the luxuries I gave myself when we did a little home renovation. I LOVE that tub and the bathroom, along with my kitchen and sun room are my HAPPY PLACES in our home. The tub has high sides and is so easy to get in and out of that I forget that hotel tubs are NOT built like that and aren’t usually as accommodating to someone with both knees being held together with metal components. I might point out that I am NOT a shower person.

Do you kind of see where I’m going with this story???

So, the first night of the trip, back in our room I headed to the bathroom to relax in a warm bath.

Hotel bathtubs are kind of generic … small and very low to the ground BUT over the years since the last knee replacement, I’ve learned to adapt and I can manage. Not so THIS trip …

The bathtub in that fancy-ass suite was not only small and low to the ground, once I got IN I noticed the bottom was also slightly concave. The surface around the slight incline on both sides had a non-slip surface but right down the middle of the concave part there WERE no non-slip gripping things, which was probably easily navigated by people with non-bionic knees. For those of us that have TWO of them, that middle stretch may as well have been surfaced in slabs of ice freshly flown in from Antarctica. Once both feet were firmly in that deadly trough, I couldn’t find a way to firmly re-plant them or even one of them on the slip-resistant sides. I may as well have been stuck in a kayak on the bank of a river DARING the videographer to start taping.

After trying everything I knew to do, up to and including several very sophisticated Kegels, I called my husband.

After 29 years of marriage, you would suspect that very little could embarrass me in the company of my husband after that amount of time and all those years of history. I am here to tell you, “NOT SO!” There is absolutely NOTHING sexy about a woman stuck in a bathtub slick with soap and water while trying to pull her out.

I am a small person, not one once overweight, which SHOULD have given us points on OUR side and a significant advantage but didn’t.

I tried to help. I washed the soap off my arms, which actually DID make a difference for a firmer grip but I didn’t dare pat myself on the back about it because I still wasn’t out and neither of us was laughing. (I doubt the videographer attempting to get just the right shot of the woman hopelessly stuck in the kayak had those moments of panic that my husband and I had. Thinking about him now (the videographer, not my husband), I’d like to smack him just because I think it would FEEL good).

Anyway, after changing position and on the third try, similar to lifting a bar bell with no less than 127 pounds, half of those pounds on each end, we together managed  to get me safely to shore … ah … to the bathroom floor. Out of breath, I said, “I’m so embarrassed.” And I was. I almost cried.

On the ride home somewhere between NC and VA, my husband asked me, “What would you have done if we couldn’t have gotten you out of that bathtub?” My honest reply to him was, “I’d still be in there.” And I would have been. Or maybe after a while and some trouble shooting one of us would have thought to let the water out, line the tub with dry towels and, with his help and a lot of traction, I might have stepped out daintily like the delicate princess I’ve always thought I was and hoped he did, too. So much for THAT myth …

SO … watching my friend’s video, my hotel bathtub debacle came flooding back into my brain and I found her dilemma, staged for a camera and a spot on America’s Funniest Videos probably, somewhat less amusing. AND, because I’m a nurse and always concerned about other people, I so hope that woman stuck in the kayak somehow managed to get out.

I wonder if there’s ANY way I could find out exactly what happened to her. After my own personal struggle, I really wouldn’t care much to know if she actually WON that $10,000 prize for having America’s Funniest Video. I could have won that thing hands down and they might have tossed in an additional several thousand for critical thinking, inventiveness and teamwork.

Sadly, neither of us thought about making a video.

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Lust and the Leopard Coat …

29 Dec

The Cardinal Sins, or 7 Deadly Sins include greed, pride, wrath, sloth, envy, gluttony and lust. These 7 are referred to as Deadly Sins because they are considered destructive to the soul if not repented and forgiven.

Many years ago, I remember a public and apparently extremely newsworthy conflict between televangelist, Rev. Jerry Falwell and presidential candidate at the time, Jimmy Carter. Rev. Falwell was appalled by a Carter interview comment suggesting he (Carter) had “Lusted in his heart.”  As well as I remember, Mr. Carter’s ratings fell fairly significantly and Carter balked at Falwell’s comments. There was much news coverage and discussion about the whole thing and jokes among friends all over the place about that ‘in the heart lusting’ thing. I was young at the time and don’t remember the situation or the context of the controversy but I DO remember the hub-bub surrounding Falwell’s comment.

Mostly I remember it because Rev. Falwell was born, raised, started his religious empire right here in OUR city and resided here so news that involved him  REALLY  involved him here in local news because he was our number one celebrity. He kept Lynchburg, VA on the map  and in the news.

The context really isn’t important to this post but when I was sitting down at the computer to write this, I suddenly remembered Jerry Falwell and Jimmy Carter at odds, quite publicly … and with a furor here … because of the LUST thing. And the lust thing, that part of the list of 7 Deadly Sins is the basis of this blog. (How’s that for trotting the horse around the barn to get inside?)

CATO Fashions is my FAVORITE women’s apparel store. I shop for clothing pretty much exclusively at the local store and during the pandemic I began shopping through the on-line catalog. Looking at my computer screen filled with photos of the latest fashions and making a rare purchase from time to time … rare because no one really knew if we would be sequestered indefinitely at home wearing sweats or if life as we’d known it would eventually return to the COVID-weary.

In the on-line catalog in October, I noticed and kind of liked an animal print full length coat. I didn’t linger on the coat for 2 reasons – 1) I didn’t NEED a coat, and 2) I’ve never been excited by animal print. It can be overused in a leopard-like minute and make the wearer TACKY in less time than that, so I moved on. EXCEPT every time I got a new catalog the coat was there and every time I lingered long enough to check it out again.

In November I needed a cocktail dress for a once-a-year party my husband and I attend during the Christmas holidays so I went to CATO and found the PERFECT dress. As a matter of fact, wearing that dress was sort of “magical,” The dress got more compliments than I can remember and when I sent a photo to CATO of me at the party wearing that magic dress, CATO immediately used it in the CATO Gallery in their catalog. What an honor and a surprise.

Like the exciting mystery sack Santa drags from house-to-house on Christmas Eve, that magical cocktail dress that I was carrying out the door of the store in a CATO bag seemed to tug me in the direction of (when what to my wandering eyes should appear) a rack to the right of the door. And ON that rack hung the leopard coat. I would swear my feet left the floor and I floated from the door to the rack. The coat was far more attractive than it had been on my computer screen and although they only had 3 in sizes too large for me, I felt compelled to put down my purse and the magical dress in the bag and try on the coat.

What happened next can ONLY be described as a supernatural experience.

The coat was soft … really soft. I slipped it on, pulled that soft plush collar up around my chin and the store, the garment racks and the mall outside disappeared – replaced by stars and fireworks and colors and the sounds of angels singing, “Ta Da.” The sequins on the magical cocktail dress rustled in the bag. I took the coat off and the magic was broken. I floated to the car and told my husband that I’d just had an epiphany. I wanted that coat.

I enjoy clothes primarily because my 38-year career as an OR nurse, while exciting and rewarding, was spent … every minute of those 38 years … wearing scrubs, looking like all the other nurses AND the doctors AND the orderlies.  We were like (Star Trek reference here) the BORG … we were part of The Collective. Since taking an early retirement, being able to wear personality-reflecting garments has been a joy. Even experiencing that particular joy, only rarely does a specific garment REALLY become a focal point of daily living (obsession?) for me. At the risk of repeating myself, I REALLY wanted that coat.

The local store did not have my size. My size no longer was available in the catalog. The epiphany had come too late.   

I called all 8 stores in the state of Virginia and found only ONE coat in my size in a store in a town 45 minutes away. The clerk I spoke with said she would hold it for me but we didn’t have time for a 100-mile round trip drive to get the coat.

I began watching the catalog … checking several times a day hoping someone would return a coat in my size, but nobody did. My husband offered to drive that 100-mile round trip to get the coat for me as a birthday gift but I couldn’t ask him to do that since I knew how busy he was and I really didn’t need a coat.

SUDDENLY, like a bolt from that same ‘blue’ where the fireworks went off and the angels sang to me of leopard coats that were surly manufactured in heaven, I was hit with a realization. I suddenly understood Jimmy Carter’s alleged Lusting in his Heart condition. There  obviously WAS such an ailment and I HAD it … I was deep in the throes of one of the 7 Deadly Sins. I rationalized that the only cure (the dictionary said that LUST was destructive to the soul) was repentance and forgiveness and the only path I could see to repentance was BUYING THAT COAT.

SO … riding along with my husband on his trip to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription, I asked him to drop me off at CATO. I went in and they still had 2 coats one size larger than my size and one even larger. I tried on one of the 2 smaller ones. Again, as the first time I tried on the coat, it was too large. Closing my eyes and holding my breath, I slipped into the other one-size-larger one and …. as happens only once in a miracle … the second coat, just an infinite bit smaller, FIT.

I was so excited when I made the purchase, the sales person asked me a question I hadn’t been asked since I was a child, “Would you like to wear it home?” Resisting the urge, I carried it out to the car in a large CATO bag. On the ride home I kept my hand inside the bag on the soft fabric of the coat. My husband smiled and said he was happy that I was happy. Somewhere that choir of CATO angels was singing.

It’s been hard to take the coat off or not to keep trying it on. Today I wore it for the first time and it felt every bit as good as it did the first time I tried it on way back in early November when  the room disappeared and the angels sang.  

Apparently, I was also absolved of any possibility of damaging my soul to the point of destruction and I repented for my side trip into the Lusting in My Heart  Zone. I believe I was forgiven (I think). This was my first time on that side of lusting and I took the situation in hand and believe I stopped it just in time, grateful that I’d only crossed into the Twilight Zone of ONE deadly sin. I’m not sure I could have dealt so well with sloth or gluttony at the same time.

This morning, I pulled that soft collar up under my chin and walked out into the world. In that moment all was right with that revolving sphere, if only for a little while,  as viewed from the warmth of a leopard coat.  And the angels sang and sang.

Somewhere Jimmy Carter was smiling.

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HEROES AND VILLAINS … AND ALIENS, OH, MY!

21 Apr

(This sounds like the title of a political blog, but it ISN’T so No Warning is  Necessary!!!!)

 The room was full of people talking comfortably with each other. The conversations were interrupted occasionally with bursts of laughter … the kind of atmosphere shared by people who know each other well and have known each other for a long time.

Suddenly the room went completely quiet and all eyes turned towards the door. Darth Vader had just entered the room, looked around and pointed his light saber at the crowd. The saber suddenly came to life and so did the people in the room … clapping at Vader’s unexpected appearance. It was MAGIC in the making.  

Earlier we had all gathered in the lobby, signed in and picked up a bag of mysterious items, including glow stick bracelets and a suspicious small bag of Unicorn Poop.

We entered the ballroom passing by a display of OUR HEROES.  Life-size replicas of Captain Kirk, Captain Picard, Captain Michael Burnham, Mr. Spock and an impressive Storm Trooper ushered us into the large room and we found our seats. We were all there with a few extras … guests not dressed as we were but hoping to be a part of a 41- year history still in the making and being celebrated.

King Arthur and Morgana, Stitch, Dr. Who, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans entered the room and Princess Diana was there with Willie Nelson. It was a crowd loaded with dignitaries and celebrities but there was no paparazzi and no red carpet under foot. It was the ‘usual crowd’ of people, FRIENDS that found nothing unusual about all being at the same function dressed impressively because we’d done it before on a number of occasions. To the observer it would have appeared to be an entire room full of  HEROES AND VILLAINS. To those of us present it was ‘just US being US … “  

The Queen of Hearts arrived followed by Indiana Jones.

The room drew a collective breath when Ellen Louise Ripley came in holding her cat, Jonesy. She was followed by the life-size ALIEN himself – protruding spines and tail, 6-fingered hands and a massive head filled with rows of very sharp teeth. And then the dignitaries laughed, all 42 of us, and the event began.

There were WELCOME addresses and a virtual blessing followed by an impressive buffet. There was a fun video following dinner and after that, the very special audience was entertained for an hour by a very special entertainer / singer / impressionist / dignitary himself. He made his entertainment interactive, went into the crowd  and sang especially to several guests in his Elvis Presley persona. He invited Willie Nelson onto the stage to share the spotlight with him singing a song.

After a year of raising funds and doing good deeds, the HEROES and even the VILLAINS in the room relaxed and enjoyed being entertained. It was OUR turn.

And then Darth Vader appeared at the door. His light saber sprang to life and he greeted everyone … friends and colleagues … with a breathy, respirator-whispered, “HELLO.” The guests clapped and cheered in appreciation of one of our own.

And the “Costume Contest” began. There were judges and prizes for the winners.

The dignitaries had an opportunity to walk across the stage and show their special ‘fashions and personalities’ to all present. It was additional entertainment as stories were shared about the outfits and laughter filled the room.

Not surprisingly, Darth Vader walked away with the prize for BEST ALL AROUND costume and presentation. Our Queen of Hearts was chosen  BEST DEPICTION OF THE “HEROES AND VILLAINS” THEME and Ellen Ripley and her endearing ALIEN received the prize for MOST HUMOROUS.

The evening ended with drawings for 6 door prizes.

The occasion was our non-profit club’s 41st anniversary party – a costume event.  It gave us an evening of fun, friendship and fellowship; a chance to relax after another year of fundraising that assured the less fortunate in our area … people and animals … of having a better Christmas. It was a year that included our Annual Space Camp Contest in area schools – the winner will be taking that trip in June and is the 17th. student we’ve made the trip a once-in-a-lifetime possibility for. We are good people … all of us HEROES at the party whether we were dressed as HEROES or VILLAINS.

For that one night we could be anyone or anyTHING we wanted to be … for fun … with people with whom we shared many things in common – friendship, unusual and delightful senses of humor, an abiding civic responsibility and a genuine desire to make life better for kids, the less fortunate and discarded animals. Did I mention we are GOOD PEOPLE?

At the end of the evening, as founder and president of the club, I was asked if I could have imagined we would still be around 41 years later? When I started the club in 1984 that was the farthest thing from my mind.

Laughing, I added, “ Way back when I started this club at the tender age of TWO,  I NEVER imagined I would be filing an annual tax return for this club. That’s STILL a surprise every year when I do it.”

It was easily the BEST anniversary party we have had, celebrating our accomplishments, our friendship and the fact that most of us have grown up and gotten older TOGETHER.

Dressed as our favorite HEROES AND VILLAINS, we collectively understood that you’re never too old to play … and that makes my heart happy.

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Dancing in the Dark …

10 Apr

Last summer I gave a presentation at our local library called How to Be a Successful Blogger. The turnout was really good, those there were engaged and at the end of my presentation they were full of questions. One of the first was, “How do you know what to write about?” What a perfect question to open a discussion.

Way back 11 years ago when I started blogging, I was so full of ideas that they just kept rolling out of my head and onto the screen. It was like I’d been saving up my whole life for just that moment when someone other than family might be interested in what I was writing.

I can’t remember how many blog entries I was doing a month but I loved it. I was amazed when friends I had invited to FOLLOW my blog began sharing them with their friends and I suddenly had a small following. My thinking then … and still is … if just one person reads what I write, actually LIKES it, can relate to it, and tells me so, that is the MOST rewarding experience on the planet. It was in the beginning and still is today. I hope I never lose that feeling of awe … and gratitude.

So, when I was asked, “How do you know what to write about?” I started my answer by telling them about my humble beginnings and those special feelings I still have today.

After my initial blogging experience, dealing with my desire to write and trying to work it in around a busy daily schedule I realized I couldn’t keep up that pace and began writing an entry once a month. That worked much better for me and my schedule and I found that people seemed more anxious to read my next entry because of the time between. I established a plan and still follow it. I also shared that with my audience at the presentation.

My answer to the question was a simple one for me but I realize it is not so simple for others. My answer was that I don’t stress about what I’m going to write until the month is almost over and I haven’t written anything yet, which happens sometimes.

I write about what happens around me or to me and how I’m affected by it all. I mostly don’t plan a topic … I usually run into one unexpectedly and can’t wait to write about it. I’m one of the lucky bloggers for whom that works.

I urge people who are depending on me for an answer not to stress over a topic. They present themselves when you least expect it and those, for me, seem to result in being my best work … maybe because I respond immediately and from the heart.

Today was one of those days.

My husband and I had been to the grocery store and were heading for the car with an over-loaded shopping cart. My husband was in the lead and as we got closer to the exit he said, “There’s someone in the parking lot playing a ‘fiddle.’ ” I heard music overhead but thought it was on the PA system in the store. It was lovely. I can’t remember the name of the song.

Outside I realized my husband wasn’t joking. The music was louder and lovelier coming from the direction of two men playing violins in the parking lot, the music floating on the air enhanced  by a medium-size amplifier.

People were looking, some were stopping to listen and others were speaking to other strangers about the music. It was a very special moment … in a time when we seem so divided and so different. To me it was at least as special as the recent eclipse that momentarily brought complete strangers together in a shared experience, if only for a little while.

The violinists were well-kempt, both wearing dark t-shirts and pants, appearing to be father and son. There was an open, empty violin case on the ground and a neatly lettered sign that said, “Please help me feed my family, pay my rent, care for my 5 children.”

As we made our way to the car with our groceries, the song changed to Ed Sherran’s Dancing in the Dark. An amazing song, you really haven’t HEARD it until you hear it played flawlessly without lyrics on two violins in a crowed parking lot.

I immediately and unexpectedly began to tear up. Another shopper passed me, turned around and said, “I never carry cash. I wish I had something to give them.” Sharing my emotion based on the music and the surprise of the beauty of it, she was also tearing up.

When we got to the car with the groceries my husband said, “Those people are doing a wonderful thing … sharing something for everyone to enjoy instead of standing on a corner asking for money.”

Caught up in the moment we got the groceries in the car and began searching through our wallets. Because we seldom carry much cash, we were only able to come up with $11 between us. We took it the distance from our car to the violin players and dropped it in the empty violin case. The eldest man stopped playing long enough to profusely thank us. I told him their music was “just beautiful” because it was. I wish we’d had more to give them.

My husband commented that he really didn’t care how they spent the money. The music was so amazing that it was worth far more than the two of us could come up with from our wallets.

I haven’t stopped singing Dancing in the Dark in my head for a moment since we got home. Without lyrics and played flawlessly and hauntingly on two violins in the middle of a strip mall parking lot gave it a sound I won’t soon forget.

If I’m invited to do a public presentation again about blogging and someone asks me, “How do you know what to write about?” as part of my answer I will tell them about the warm April day in a grocery store parking lot when two men playing violins touched my heart, brought me to tears and gave me something I was genuinely excited about to be my April blog entry.

I will also tell them how Dancing in the Dark will have a special place in my memory. It will never sound the same again.

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