The first thing that I saw when I woke up this morning was the news report that one of the suspected Boston bombers had died and the other is still on the run. Then I heard what these two brothers’ uncle had said, that the boys did not deserve to live.
Sometimes we forget that these criminals, those who are guilty of these horrendous crimes have families, friends, loved ones who sit back and realize that their dear ones have completely gone off of their rockers.
We forget that there are other victims in these tragedies, the ones who raised the perpetrators, who loved them, who comforted them, who believed that they were going to do great and wonderful things with their lives. I’m sure that the parents of these two boys thought the same thing. I’m sure that they thought that their beautiful boys were going to grow up and be magnificent men.
The families and victims of these tragedies are kept in everyone’s thoughts and prayers, are offered support and sustenance as they mourn…which let’s face it, the grief lasts forever, no matter what anyone tells you.
The families of the perpetrators though…well that’s another story. They are harassed, ostracized and at times even attacked by the anger of society. Why didn’t they know? Why didn’t they stop them? Why didn’t they warn someone? What kind of people are they to have birthed such terrible beings? What kind of horrors happened in their childhoods? The families are found guilty by association, guilty by blood.
Oh sure, it’s true, there are some criminals who have indeed come from family lives which have made us cringe as we hear about it later, but in many cases, the families are as shocked as the rest of us, as horrified as their neighbors, but suffer, in addition to that horror and shock, another deadly emotion…shame. They are forced to, by their own shame, balance their love for their sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, parents who have committed these terrors, while still coming to grips with their feelings of wanting to separate themselves from that person, from what that person committed. They live the rest of their lives knowing that someone that they love deeply, has committed an atrocity that will stain their family for generations to come.
I prayed for these boys’ families this morning. I asked the gods that they protect these families from the horrors that they will undoubtedly sustain in the coming months, if not longer. That the family be allowed to grieve in peace for not only their own loss, as well as the grief that I am sure that they are experiencing for the victims of their sons’ terrible crimes.
Shame is a killer. Shame on behalf of someone you love, is a destroyer of family units, of the trust in your own intuition and instinct, of your very spirit. It is an emotion which weighs heavy because there is no way that you can explain that you had nothing to do with their actions.
When I was in high school, my sister was a very cruel and very popular girl. She once wrote insulting words across the locker of one of the boys who liked her. I was the one who apologized to him. He said “Why are you apologizing? You don’t control your sister’s behavior.” He was a very wise boy.
It’s true, we don’t control the actions of our loved ones. We can’t make them be good, be bad or be indifferent. We can certainly influence them, but when it comes right down to it, we are not in control of their actions. I wonder if most people realize this. If society will understand that the suffering that those who loved these brothers will be forever etched into their hearts…because whereas the victims can be remembered for what they were loved for, these brothers will be remembered for one act of hate, one act of destruction, and when those who loved them have moments when they remember when the boys first learned how to walk, ride a bicycle, earned an A on a difficult test, or even had their first crush, those loved ones will feel the need to push those blessed memories out of their consciousness, they will feel the need to black out those good thoughts and tear out their own memories. Their shame will make them feel as if they are contributing to the horror if they think positively about the young men, they will believe that they have to replace those memories with just that one day, that one moment when those brothers’ pictures were shown on the news, that one scene when the streets of Boston were covered in blood…and that is a very hard balancing act.
Hellish Behavior 