So you know that I love getting on my soapbox, and today’s soapbox is all about the issue of domestic violence.
Why is it so easy to excuse? Oh he was drunk, oh she was having a bad menses, oh they were mentally ill. We as a society commonly give such excuses as these, or even such things as “Well when things are good, he/she/they are wonderful people.”
Well that’s not the issue, is it? An abuser can be wonderful for most of their life, and there are all sorts of things which can cause them to become abusive, there are all kinds of triggers. In fact, the Greek demi-god and beloved hero Hercules was driven mad by one of the other gods, and killed his wife and children, but he was and is, still considered a hero.
Here’s my issue with this…okay, so the abuser is a great person…but obviously has some issues. Well leave then. Leave until the abuser gets help, recovers from the issues which plague them. It’s hard to do…I think. Since I’m not really allowed to use myself as a baseline, since my loved ones say that I am a weirdo and not the norm at all, I can’t really be sure that it’s hard to do. I have been in what some might say were abusive relationships. I don’t call them that because I either left immediately after the first sign of uncontrollable violent behavior, or I have injured the abuser in his intent to injure me. I did warn him before he laid hands on me….so I think that I should get a pass from the broken shoulder that my cast iron frying pan inflicted on him.
I don’t stick around because I don’t really appreciate violence. Especially from those who say that they love me. In each of those situations, I have given the abuser the information that they needed to find help for their problems, whether it was anger management therapy, rehab for alcohol or drug addiction or even general therapy to deal with their issues from childhood. I have done this because I believed that each of them would one day make a magnificent mate for someone…and much to my delight, they did.
That won’t always happen. Sometimes the abuser is simply going to move on to the next victim, or continue to try to convince his or her victim that there is nothing wrong with him or her, but with the victim. Sometimes the abuser will just feel as if he or she is the victim for being misunderstood. Education can help with that, teaching children that violence is unacceptable but for self-defense, teaching men and women alike that healthy relationships do not include violence or any other sort of abuse.
In a society where the concept of true love is valued, it’s hard to look at your loved one and admit that there is something wrong with them. It’s even harder to admit that there is something wrong with you if you allow yourself to be victimized by someone that claims to love you. It’s difficult in this economy to give up financial stability. It is hard to have to explain to the kids why their other parental figure won’t be coming around for a while. It’s even hard to give up the good times.
But at what point, after what assault, does a person realize that they, in their role as a victim, are enabling the behavior, permitting the abuse? Is it after the first time your loved one insults you or is it after the first time your loved one physically assaults you? Is it after you realize that you’re walking on eggshells in your own home or is it after your family and friends try to talk to you about the suspected abuse? Or…is it, like so often happens, after you end up in the hospital?
Abuse begins in all sorts of sneaky little monstrous ways. Like a Machiavellian genius, most abusers are adept at the skill of brainwashing, of making sure that by the first time they physically strike out, their victim(s) are psychologically already in a state of fear. This fear isn’t of being hit, it’s of being abandoned. The fear is usually of that person not wanting, loving or needing the victim any longer. This psychological warfare begins with such things as controlling, insulting, and even swearing that nobody else could possibly love the victim as much as the abuser does. Using manipulative tactics such as these leaves the victim in a state of confusion, does he/she love me or not?
Love…well it’s cliche, but honestly, love means never having to say that you’re sorry. Not because love means that you’ll never do anything that will need an apology, but certainly it means that you shouldn’t do anything that deserves an apology…especially intentionally.
Love isn’t supposed to be physically painful. Even the emotional pain that love causes isn’t supposed to be due to the one who says that they love you, intentionally causing you that emotional and psychological pain. Forgetting a birthday, an anniversary or getting someone a Thigh Master for Valentine’s Day are things that are certainly irritating, but those aren’t intentional abuses. They’re just human mistakes. Love is not meant to draw blood, leave bruises or mess up the person so badly that they will forever question their own judgment.
There is a sign at our local hospital that says that love isn’t supposed to hurt. Why does that sign even need to be up? If it was your daughter, best friend, mother or sister, if it was your son or brother, who was in a relationship like your own, what would you think? Would you stay up at night worrying? Or would you be happy for them.
We are years past the era of The Color Purple, when Celie tells her stepson to beat his wife if she won’t do what he says, yet there are still those who don’t see something wrong with abuse within relationships, still those who think that the victim should have kept her or his mouth shut so that she or he didn’t set off the abuser. We as a society still think that we shouldn’t get involved when our neighbors or loved ones are going through abuse, any kind of abuse.
Recently a woman at our local zoo caught another woman kicking and slapping her young daughter. She intervened and then notified officials. From what I understand, the mother was not charged. Why not and what does that tell the public? It says that even if they step in and do the right thing, nothing will change, the abuser will still be an abuser, only perhaps a little more discreetly.
It’s funny how we care so much if discretion is used when a politician is naughty with someone other than his or her spouse, but we’d prefer it if discretion were used by those involved in domestic violence. We as a society would rather just not know about it.
Funny, right? Yeah…a real knee slapper.
Hellish Behavior 