Brother Dean and the Rape of Reason

26 Apr 2013 2 Comments

by signsofsomething in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Well well well, it appears that a University of Arizona student is big on picket signs and not so big on our fairer sex! The self proclaimed Brother Dean says that his fellow students (or any woman at all I imagine) who are of the female persuasion, that might happen to wear shorts, short skirts or any other clothing which he might consider to be too revealing…well those gals deserve to be raped.

Now, honestly, he’s not the first person to think this, nor is he the first person to say this…or something like it…and I doubt that he will be the last.

Survivors of rape have, throughout history, had to defend themselves against society as well as their assailants. It is something that most survivors of rape just know is going to come…someone…even if it is one person, is going to say that the victim was somehow asking for it.

So this story, well it’s just not as surprising as it should be. With the two rape cases currently in the media, an ignorant college student really isn’t just that hot of a topic for my little brain to mull over that much.

However, it did get me to thinking…although I am not suggesting this at all, in fact as spiritual leader of the world, I do decree rape as inexcusable and unforgivable sin, a free ticket to some new horrific realm of hell that I will think of at a later date, but what if men were the more frequent rape victims? I know, there are already male victims and my prayers go out for them as often as for the female ones, but what if that was the most common victim? Some man, who through no fault of his own, fell victim to a crime which is known to be driven by violence rather than lust, and he was then told that had he not been so good looking, had he not been walking alone that day, had he not been drinking that night, had he not been wearing his snazzy nicely tailored suit at that specific moment, perhaps he may not have been violated.

What if that was the case? What if men, in all of their glory, were to be told that they must start looking as if they are slouches, as if they had nothing beautiful about them, that they needed to stop taking care of themselves, stop dressing so nicely, stop wearing shorts that showed off their legs or shirts that fit snug? What if they were told that it is their fault that this was occurring in society, that if they would just stop exhibiting themselves in such a way as to incite lustful thoughts in women, then rape would just go away?

Pfoooooof….

Just like that, in a blink of an eye, hide all of your men away…and then with no victims, there can be no perpetrator. Right?

So of course, I think, that there would be stricter laws regarding sexual assault. I think…and remember, I totally failed my political science class, that if men were the primary victim of sexual assault, our patriarchal world would have a fit. I think that we, as a world, as a society, we would make it more of a big bad, to commit the big bad. We would set up stronger preventative measures, such as self-defense in grade school, accessible counseling and in depth education at each grade level, to educate and counsel children in social behavior, to recognize potential threats, behavioral issues, and so forth. I think that we would make the justice fit the crime, it takes, in some cases, entire lifetimes to recover from the violation and victimization, why should the perpetrator be out in time for the two year anniversary of the assault?

This is of course, my imagination going wild….zip…see, there it goes….right out the window.

My preference, of course…would be that parents would teach their children about healthy social interactions and healthy interpersonal relationships…from birth. My preference is that anger management counseling would begin as soon as folks recognize that their little ones have a bit of a temper. My less than humble preference would be that society would be sensible and reasonable, and realize that a survivor of rape, is never, never, never, asking for it, deserving of it and should never be blamed for it.

No matter what Brother Dean might say.

Domestic Violence

21 Apr 2013 Leave a comment

by signsofsomething in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , ,

So you know that I love getting on my soapbox, and today’s soapbox is all about the issue of domestic violence.

Why is it so easy to excuse? Oh he was drunk, oh she was having a bad menses, oh they were mentally ill. We as a society commonly give such excuses as these, or even such things as “Well when things are good, he/she/they are wonderful people.”

Well that’s not the issue, is it? An abuser can be wonderful for most of their life, and there are all sorts of things which can cause them to become abusive, there are all kinds of triggers. In fact, the Greek demi-god and beloved hero Hercules was driven mad by one of the other gods, and killed his wife and children, but he was and is, still considered a hero.

Here’s my issue with this…okay, so the abuser is a great person…but obviously has some issues. Well leave then. Leave until the abuser gets help, recovers from the issues which plague them. It’s hard to do…I think. Since I’m not really allowed to use myself as a baseline, since my loved ones say that I am a weirdo and not the norm at all, I can’t really be sure that it’s hard to do. I have been in what some might say were abusive relationships. I don’t call them that because I either left immediately after the first sign of uncontrollable violent behavior, or I have injured the abuser in his intent to injure me. I did warn him before he laid hands on me….so I think that I should get a pass from the broken shoulder that my cast iron frying pan inflicted on him.

I don’t stick around because I don’t really appreciate violence. Especially from those who say that they love me. In each of those situations, I have given the abuser the information that they needed to find help for their problems, whether it was anger management therapy, rehab for alcohol or drug addiction or even general therapy to deal with their issues from childhood. I have done this because I believed that each of them would one day make a magnificent mate for someone…and much to my delight, they did.

That won’t always happen. Sometimes the abuser is simply going to move on to the next victim, or continue to try to convince his or her victim that there is nothing wrong with him or her, but with the victim. Sometimes the abuser will just feel as if he or she is the victim for being misunderstood. Education can help with that, teaching children that violence is unacceptable but for self-defense, teaching men and women alike that healthy relationships do not include violence or any other sort of abuse.

In a society where the concept of true love is valued, it’s hard to look at your loved one and admit that there is something wrong with them. It’s even harder to admit that there is something wrong with you if you allow yourself to be victimized by someone that claims to love you. It’s difficult in this economy to give up financial stability. It is hard to have to explain to the kids why their other parental figure won’t be coming around for a while. It’s even hard to give up the good times.

But at what point, after what assault, does a person realize that they, in their role as a victim, are enabling the behavior, permitting the abuse? Is it after the first time your loved one insults you or is it after the first time your loved one physically assaults you? Is it after you realize that you’re walking on eggshells in your own home or is it after your family and friends try to talk to you about the suspected abuse? Or…is it, like so often happens, after you end up in the hospital?

Abuse begins in all sorts of sneaky little monstrous ways. Like a Machiavellian genius, most abusers are adept at the skill of brainwashing, of making sure that by the first time they physically strike out, their victim(s) are psychologically already in a state of fear. This fear isn’t of being hit, it’s of being abandoned. The fear is usually of that person not wanting, loving or needing the victim any longer. This psychological warfare begins with such things as controlling, insulting, and even swearing that nobody else could possibly love the victim as much as the abuser does. Using manipulative tactics such as these leaves the victim in a state of confusion, does he/she love me or not?

Love…well it’s cliche, but honestly, love means never having to say that you’re sorry. Not because love means that you’ll never do anything that will need an apology, but certainly it means that you shouldn’t do anything that deserves an apology…especially intentionally.

Love isn’t supposed to be physically painful. Even the emotional pain that love causes isn’t supposed to be due to the one who says that they love you, intentionally causing you that emotional and psychological pain. Forgetting a birthday, an anniversary or getting someone a Thigh Master for Valentine’s Day are things that are certainly irritating, but those aren’t intentional abuses. They’re just human mistakes. Love is not meant to draw blood, leave bruises or mess up the person so badly that they will forever question their own judgment.

There is a sign at our local hospital that says that love isn’t supposed to hurt. Why does that sign even need to be up? If it was your daughter, best friend, mother or sister, if it was your son or brother, who was in a relationship like your own, what would you think? Would you stay up at night worrying? Or would you be happy for them.

We are years past the era of The Color Purple, when Celie tells her stepson to beat his wife if she won’t do what he says, yet there are still those who don’t see something wrong with abuse within relationships, still those who think that the victim should have kept her or his mouth shut so that she or he didn’t set off the abuser. We as a society still think that we shouldn’t get involved when our neighbors or loved ones are going through abuse, any kind of abuse.

Recently a woman at our local zoo caught another woman kicking and slapping her young daughter. She intervened and then notified officials. From what I understand, the mother was not charged. Why not and what does that tell the public? It says that even if they step in and do the right thing, nothing will change, the abuser will still be an abuser, only perhaps a little more discreetly.

It’s funny how we care so much if discretion is used when a politician is naughty with someone other than his or her spouse, but we’d prefer it if discretion were used by those involved in domestic violence. We as a society would rather just not know about it.

Funny, right? Yeah…a real knee slapper.

Shame

19 Apr 2013 Leave a comment

by signsofsomething in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , ,

The first thing that I saw when I woke up this morning was the news report that one of the suspected Boston bombers had died and the other is still on the run. Then I heard what these two brothers’ uncle had said, that the boys did not deserve to live.

Sometimes we forget that these criminals, those who are guilty of these horrendous crimes have families, friends, loved ones who sit back and realize that their dear ones have completely gone off of their rockers.

We forget that there are other victims in these tragedies, the ones who raised the perpetrators, who loved them, who comforted them, who believed that they were going to do great and wonderful things with their lives. I’m sure that the parents of these two boys thought the same thing. I’m sure that they thought that their beautiful boys were going to grow up and be magnificent men.

The families and victims of these tragedies are kept in everyone’s thoughts and prayers, are offered support and sustenance as they mourn…which let’s face it, the grief lasts forever, no matter what anyone tells you.

The families of the perpetrators though…well that’s another story. They are harassed, ostracized and at times even attacked by the anger of society. Why didn’t they know? Why didn’t they stop them? Why didn’t they warn someone? What kind of people are they to have birthed such terrible beings? What kind of horrors happened in their childhoods? The families are found guilty by association, guilty by blood.

Oh sure, it’s true, there are some criminals who have indeed come from family lives which have made us cringe as we hear about it later, but in many cases, the families are as shocked as the rest of us, as horrified as their neighbors, but suffer, in addition to that horror and shock, another deadly emotion…shame. They are forced to, by their own shame, balance their love for their sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, parents who have committed these terrors, while still coming to grips with their feelings of wanting to separate themselves from that person, from what that person committed. They live the rest of their lives knowing that someone that they love deeply, has committed an atrocity that will stain their family for generations to come.

I prayed for these boys’ families this morning. I asked the gods that they protect these families from the horrors that they will undoubtedly sustain in the coming months, if not longer. That the family be allowed to grieve in peace for not only their own loss, as well as the grief that I am sure that they are experiencing for the victims of their sons’ terrible crimes.

Shame is a killer. Shame on behalf of someone you love, is a destroyer of family units, of the trust in your own intuition and instinct, of your very spirit. It is an emotion which weighs heavy because there is no way that you can explain that you had nothing to do with their actions.

When I was in high school, my sister was a very cruel and very popular girl. She once wrote insulting words across the locker of one of the boys who liked her. I was the one who apologized to him. He said “Why are you apologizing? You don’t control your sister’s behavior.” He was a very wise boy.

It’s true, we don’t control the actions of our loved ones. We can’t make them be good, be bad or be indifferent. We can certainly influence them, but when it comes right down to it, we are not in control of their actions. I wonder if most people realize this. If society will understand that the suffering that those who loved these brothers will be forever etched into their hearts…because whereas the victims can be remembered for what they were loved for, these brothers will be remembered for one act of hate, one act of destruction, and when those who loved them have moments when they remember when the boys first learned how to walk, ride a bicycle, earned an A on a difficult test, or even had their first crush, those loved ones will feel the need to push those blessed memories out of their consciousness, they will feel the need to black out those good thoughts and tear out their own memories. Their shame will make them feel as if they are contributing to the horror if they think positively about the young men, they will believe that they have to replace those memories with just that one day, that one moment when those brothers’ pictures were shown on the news, that one scene when the streets of Boston were covered in blood…and that is a very hard balancing act.

Facebook and the Art of the Con

09 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by signsofsomething in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , ,

I have a facebook page. There are a few reasons that I have one, but one of the reasons includes that it’s public. Because it is public, I have about once a month, one of those con artists either add me as a friend, or try to talk to me. Now, for me, this is curious rather than spooky. I have put together why I am chosen to have the honor of being one of the few women that said con artist might attempt to detach from whatever money they might have. First of all, I am middle-aged, or at least in the age range of the stereotypical middle age range. Next, I am fluffy. Yes, that means fuller figured. Then of course, my status is single. These three attributes seem to be the common status of the women that I usually see said con artists add quickly after creating facebook pages which have stolen pictures. I noticed that usually the stolen pictures are of military men, although I have also seen some civilian pictures. I imagine, although I have never asked, that the reason that I am amongst those honored with this attempted victimization, that traditionally, women in their forties and older, especially those who are single and carrying extra weight, have a tendency to be what some may call desperate and are less likely to catch the player at his game. This is due to many reasons, the top one is that society says that we are done. Magazine articles, news reports, statistics taken by groups that I’ve never heard of, all say that once a woman is past a certain age, she is no longer considered marketable. This can be for hiring, for loving, even for child-bearing. Women, unlike men, are not valued past a certain age…or so they say. I am always amused when a new con artist begins to prepare me for the short con. Apparently they don’t read many of my posts prior to adding me as a friend. Nor do they bother to read anything about me, prior to discussing how beautiful, elegant, intelligent, passionate, sensual or sincere I look in my picture. Trust me, that’s how they describe me. Of course I am beautiful, I know what I look like and since it’s a combination of my gorgeous parents and grandparents, it’s not a surprise. Of course I am intelligent, I work very hard at keeping my brain active. As for sincere, well…I do try, but sometimes I can’t help fawning over the con artist with the fake picture. I can’t restrain myself from acting as if I am a weak and gullible gal, just pining away for that special someone who I haven’t ever spoken to in person. I can’t help telling stories and lying and embellishing and making the con artist feel that he or she might be incredibly successful in this short con. It’s hard for me really, to resist that temptation. After all, it’s not really my fault that he chose me. I certainly don’t have all over my facebook page an invitation to con artist who are not very good at their jobs. Now don’t get me wrong, I think that if an intelligent con artist decided to follow my posts, add me to his friends list and do his darnedest to seduce me into sending him money or a transferable plane ticket or the number of my bank account, it would be huge giggles for me. After all, like all good spies, stalkers and sufferers of OCD, when the work is put into it, the victim can indeed feel really good about themselves for a short while. When the con artist knows so much about the victim that they know what the victim is currently reading, there’s not much the con artist will not know about the victim…and let’s face it, we enjoy when people pay attention to our likes and dislikes. I’ve never actually been stalked, and I don’t have the FBI after me, so no one has really ever paid that much attention to my daily comings and goings. In fact, the few times that it’s come close, the watchers of my ways have been scared off by my lack of continuity and stability. It’s much harder to keep track of traits when they are constantly changing. I enjoy the game though, the cat and mouse game…the idea that I am considered by some to be within the realm of the victim. I enjoy the idea that I am within the range of desperate gals, because of course desperation is something that is continuous in my life. It’s true, everything that I do, I do with the flair of desperation, of hunger, of desire, of intense living. What isn’t true though is this idea that we women lose our senses of self as we get older. Con artists would be better off targeting the younger women, who have little experience with life, lies and love, who want to believe. Most of us older gals are less likely to believe anything…let alone a guy who is so full of flattery that it sounds like a greeting from a telemarketer. Unfortunately, for the con artists that is, the younger gals don’t have the money to donate to the worthy cause that the con is selling. I suppose that I should tell these con artists that I don’t either, but like I said, they entertain me…and I do love to be entertained.

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