I have a friend…can you believe it? Well this friend recently told her sister that she was “not a real woman” because the sister does not have children, nor does she want children.
My friend sort of wanted me to be on her side in the big battle that ensued due to her statement, but as you can imagine, I failed.
This world is full of celebrations of family. We have Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Grandparent’s Day, Family Day and even Children’s Day. We are a culture of breeding. We celebrate and even pay young people who have boo-booed and had children young, so that we can watch their melodrama. We encourage the chaos of parenthood on anyone we meet, by spouting the wonders of childhood and spewing how we adore our children, grandchildren and so forth.
We pity those folks who can’t have children, but we loathe those who won’t have children. We tell them “Oh but you’d make such a great parent!” instead of saying “You’re such a great person!”
Instead of celebrating their responsible choices, their recognition that they are not willing to make the sacrifices (and yes, there are always sacrifices), to make the commitments and to make the lifestyle changes necessary for parenthood, we talk about how they must be lacking in something, or perhaps they had a bad childhood, or maybe they just haven’t spent enough time with children. We never stop to think that their choices are no different than those that we make to have children.
It’s true, I love my kids. I love the one that I raised and I love the one that I didn’t raise. I love being a mother, a grandmother and so forth. But if I was asked to do it now, I’d rather shove my favorite foot into a hungry bear’s mouth. I can’t imagine my life, my world, without my children in it, but on the other hand, my life right now, well it is set on a path that doesn’t really have child safety locks. Up until recently I didn’t own any films which are child appropriate, I have the language of a drunken sailor on shore leave and I wouldn’t even know how to diaper a baby at this point.
Most of the people that I know who will never be parents, well they are fantastic people. Parenthood wouldn’t all of a sudden make them better people. They are involved in their communities, they are heavily involved in the lives of the children around them, they are kind, loving, giving and generous. However, they are aware that even if at some point, if they should feel the little inkling to parent, they can offer to babysit, volunteer at a school, or even monitor at a youth function. More often than not, these bits of life with children gives them the satisfaction without the soreness.
So…here’s the issue…why is it that modern society still looks at women without children as if they are pariahs? Personally, I think that it’s jealousy. I think that women with children look at women who are not mothers, they think about what life would be like without having to find the right school, the right diet, the right neighborhood and even the right..yes..the right father. I could be off my rocker. I was one of those moms that never changed her lifestyle. I wasn’t ever envious of the non moms because I was out there with them, I just happened to have a daughter in tow. However…a woman not having children…well she’s still a real woman. She is still everything that she would have been had she birthed a child, except a mother. Motherhood…well that doesn’t make you a woman. I would say that a vagina makes you a woman, but since I know women that weren’t born with vaginas, that doesn’t work either…so let’s stick with personal identity…if you feel like a woman, then you are.
Needless to say, my friend has a big old piece of humble pie to go and let her sister shove into her face.
Hellish Behavior 