This morning while I was loading the dishwasher, I heard part of a Hidden Brain episode on “Designing a Life that Matters.” Since I was bustling around the kitchen doing chores, I heard only snippets of the program, but one part stood out because it reminded me of something I discovered for myself long ago.
The episode’s guest, Dave Evans, was talking about “moment making,” which he described as finding the “moments full of potential meaningful experience [that] abound in front of us.” This sounds promising enough, but it was what Evans said next about the “got to / get to shift” that stopped me in my tracks:
When you are thinking transactionally, you are in the transactional world, it’s all about getting it done. So I’ve got to get this thing done. I’ve got to get through this meeting, I’ve got to get these people to agree, I’ve got to sign this contract, I’ve got to get these tasks assigned, whatever that might be. As opposed to I get to participate in this process.
Evans illustrated this “got to / get to shift” with an example from his book editor, who was feeling frazzled one day because her young child was making noise as she was getting ready for a Zoom call. When she told herself “I got to get my kid to shut up,” she felt overwhelmed. When she reminded herself “I get to work from home and spend more time with my child,” her frustration vanished and she realized using headphones would solve her noisy-kid problem.
Evans’ explanation of the “got to / get to shift” stopped me in my tracks because years ago on a long Zen retreat, I had a much-needed moment of clarity where I realized I was driving myself crazy thinking I “had to” show up for practice. First, I had to wake up before dawn; then, I had to do prostrations; then I had to chant and sit and walk on a seemingly endless loop from morning until night. Viewed through a “got to” lens, the retreat was a big boring checklist of things I had to do whether I wanted to do them or not.
In a much-needed moment of clarity, though, I realized I could switch the way I described the retreat to myself. Instead of saying “Now I have to go meditate,” I could say “Now I get to go meditate.” Showing up for practice wasn’t a chore someone else was forcing me to do; instead, it was an opportunity and even a luxury I could choose to appreciate. Instead of checking a dreaded task off an imaginary to-do list, I could simply show up for practice and experience whatever arose.
Remembering this paradigm shift reminded me of a scene I’d witnessed years ago. Driving down the highway, I saw a young man sitting on the side of the road with his dog and a broken-down car. Judging from the young man’s expression, sitting on a grassy embankment waiting for a tow truck was the worst day ever. Judging from the dog’s expression, however, lying in the grass on a sunny day with his human was the best day ever.
Each one of us has things we got to do, but re-envisioning these tasks as things we get to experience is a small but significant attitude shift. Is my end-term grading pile something I got to do, or is it an opportunity where I get to see what my students have done in their final projects? Am I a young man fuming on the side of the road because my car broke down, or am I a dog lolling in the grass, enjoying the sunny smells of spring?
Hoarded Ordinaries 