Long (epically long) overdue update

Previously.......well, I last posted 9 days before my scheduled c-section so there's a lot to update on, but here are the bullet points:

• Scheduled section went exactly as planned on April 3
• Baby boy arrived kicking and screaming at 9:28 a.m., 7 lbs, 9 oz.
• His name is Jack and big sister immediately christened him "babyJack" and so that's what we call him
• We came home two days after the c-section and my milk actually came in on the 3rd day and I thought I'd lick this breastfeeding, but....
• Mr.Right picked up the *worst* cold ever in the hospital and brought it home with him so I got it on day 4 (I mean, 3 days of fever and it took me 8 weeks to get my voice fully back!)
• And my milk suffered....if I hadn't taken the decongestants, maybe my milk wouldn't have taken a nose-dive....
• But who knows.  I had milk production issues last time too.  (The truth is, J had already lost more than 10% of his birthweight by day 5) And we ended up supplementing (again.)
• And even then J has proved to be hard to put weight on.  At one month he was 34th percentile for weight.  At 2 months he had dropped to 8th percentile.  Oops!  Start the rice cereal fortification of the breast milk (still pumping ~ 10 oz per day at that point) and formula.
• At 3 months he was back up to 32nd percentile for weight.
• But 7 days after his 3-month appointment as we tried to ease off the rice cereal, he once again hadn't gained an ounce.  Back to full-strength fortified formula (I gave up pumping just before 3 months when I was getting ~ 8 oz/day...pathetic, I know.)
• So much for the feeding issues.  
• The boy is seriously smiley!  He loves, love, loves to smile at people.  
• He's finally doing some serious head-raising while on his tummy (I think he just didn't have enough strength from being so underweight before now).
• Big sister is great with him. She puts his paci back in; lets me know when he has spit up (again) and lies down on the playmat to play with him.  It's great that she's pretty much talking in sentences (at 21 months!) and is pretty good (not without the occasional tantrum) at following directions.  Although I regret (just a little) the massive amounts of Elmo she's watched while I've fed J (still every 2 hours).
• However (and don't hate me for this), he sleeps from 8 p.m. until 6:30 a.m. (started at 2 months sleeping 8 p.m. - ~5 a.m.)
• It's been a hard 3 months with the feeding issues, and juggling two kids 18 months apart in age, but once again, as we near 4 months, I feel like we're turning a corner.  

I'm not sure I'll be here very frequently to blog anymore.  It's been hard trying to find the time just to do this update.  I'll be forever grateful for finding this community, though.  And to my readers who've checked in occasionally thanks for the prod to update you all!

One last thing:  for those of you contemplating donor egg, I can only say:  I still think about it (the fact that my baby boy is not from one of my eggs), but not every day.  There may well be a time in the future when it's more on our minds than now (like when we begin to answer those questions from J).  He's never felt anything less than "mine" ("ours" really) though.  Granted, we have the extraordinary good fortune to be able to talk about "who he looks like" with a great deal of ease since the donor was my sister.  (As we always remark, my sister's younger boy looks like his paternal uncle!) So, if it  is something you're contemplating (or you haven't been contemplating but need to find ways to move on from trying to use your own eggs), I hope my experience is somehow useful.  

It's amazing to think after all the bad luck we had (and when I thought we would never have anything but) that we are here.  Our miracle baby E (with my own eggs after repeated failure to respond to IVF drugs, the trisomy 13 baby and other losses) is now 21 months (oh my goodness, 22 months tomorrow!) and miracle baby J is 3 1/2 months old.  We are blessed!  Hugs to all of you who are still working toward your miracle(s) and to those who get to hold them tight every day.  

I leave you with these:

3 months 

Almost there

Our needle-in-a-haystack (i.e., my own egg) baby, E, turned 18 months yesterday and in just 9 short days should be joined by a little brother.  Sometimes I still find it hard to believe.

I'm scheduled for a c-section next Wednesday.  Report to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., section at 9 a.m. (caveat no emergencies for my doc).  It all sounds very civilized. Much more civilized than being run down the hallway with the anesthesiologist on the gurney with me as E was in fetal bradycardia. I'm beginning to see why there is a belief out there that women and their doctors may schedule c-sections for convenience's sake!

I'm actually surprised how many people - actually several of the other OBs, especially the younger ones in my practice - asked whether I was going for a VBAC.  I suppose it's a reasonable question given the push toward fewer c-sections.  But, um, I'm 42 3/4 years old.  Nobody wants me going past my due date given my elderly placenta.  And last time - at 41 years old - on the day before my due date I was not even dilated and induction wasn't so successful.  And the likely cause of E's severe drop in heart rate - given evidence of nothing else (e.g. wrapped cord, etc.) was placental failure.  Probably the result of the induction.  As of last Monday's only (and last, I understand) internal exam, my cervix was long and closed.  So, I think a planned c-section is reasonable.  And so does the doctor - head of my practice - who did the stat c-section last time around.

Anyhow, otherwise all is well.  I feel big, and I'm at a weight about 1 or 2 pounds over where I was last pregnancy at this point.  In all, I will have gained ~ 20 lbs this pregnancy (started 5-10 higher than conception point of last pregnancy).  I'm definitely not getting out for my daily 3 mile walks these past few weeks as I did until the day before induction last pregnancy.  Too much snow (and wet and rain and yuck) and just so hard to get out there with not just the dog, but E too.  I had been doing 3 miles on the treadmill during nap time in the afternoon, but that's turned into my naptime also.  I think being that much older is making this a bit harder pregnancy.  But, all in all, I can't complain.  Besides the ever-present stuffy/dried-out nose and taking a grand total of about 3 Tums for the mildest of heartburn maybe 2 or 3 times, I really haven't had any pregnancy-related problems.

We are incredibly, incredibly lucky to have this chance to parent a second child.  (You won't be surprised that everytime I talk about the baby being born next week, I silently say to myself, "if nothing happens in the next 9 days" - once experienced with pregnancy loss, it's always there).  We went through a lot to get here.  And took a lot of hard choices.  Some of it makes me sad still, but not for any reason would I have done anything differently to get here.  I remember how much anguish I went through getting to the point of accepting using a donor egg.  But it seems, now, like such a 'no duh' choice.  We are incredibly lucky to have had the option to use an egg donated by my sister, of course - not everyone is in that fortunate situation.

I'll certainly try to post once the baby arrives, but not sure whether I'll be posting all that much going forward.

Here is E at 18 months!

 

The donor egg dilemma

This post has been brewing for a while.  I find it hard not to tell people that I conceived with a donor egg.  Mr.Right and I have decided that we are only sharing that fact with immediate family until our son is old enough to understand.  We did not want a situation where everyone around him knew, but he didn't (or couldn't understand).  So, we're not telling people, generally.

But, here's the problem.  I'm part of a moms group and have had several conversations over the past year with various of my friends there about infertility, E's birth story, etc.  It's kind of like sharing war stories.  And in our area, you find out that so many people ended up going through fertility treatments and losses, it's kind of amazing (I guess that's due to the affluent nature of the area, the older ages of the moms and the abundant number of fertility centers in the immediate vicinity).  Anyhow, it's felt good to both hear other's stories and tell my own.  Much like it feels here in our blog community.

However, I haven't shared that I used donor eggs in this last pregnancy.  These are potentially families with whom we'll interact for a long time - through elementary school at least and maybe longer given that we live in the same general area and I've developed a set of friends with kids the same age as E.  So, these people fall into the same category as our close friends - not immediate family (whom we've told) and not the anonymous blogging community (you're in on it!)

But it pains me to have some of the conversations I've had with some of the moms who have struggled to have their children and/or who are struggling to have another - especially at an older age.  I feel like I'm either giving them false hope or giving them a (false) reason to be jealous of me being pregnant at my age.  But I don't see any way out of it.  I've told people we had "lots of help" with this pregnancy, but I can't let them know that we used donor eggs.  I don't believe any of them would intentionally mention this around our son, but who knows whether someone might let it slip, their kid hears something one day and mentions something to our son?  (I realize this is highly, highly unlikely just because - for goodness sake - I forget half the time that we used donor eggs and I'm sure that most people, if told, would forget about it as well.)  But the other reason is that I don't feel it's fair not to share it with our closest friends but to share it with these friends whom I've just made.  And we don't think it's fair to our son that everyone else around him knows, but he doesn't (I realize he's probably not going to think about that, really.)  Mr.Right agrees with all of this and just says, well, we're not sharing the information at this point.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't feel ashamed about using donor eggs. If anything, I want to shout from the rooftop to women my age, just do it!! (if it feels right for you)  Seriously, consider it as an option, if you can, to build your family.  And, for goodness sake, don't feel like you're a failure because you can't get pregnant with your own eggs after age 40.  All those celebrities you see getting pregnant mid 40s or later?  Certainly, many of them have had to use donor eggs.  And I totally respect their right not to tell anyone.  But it distorts the picture.

And, that's the dilemma.  I feel like I'm distorting the picture.  But I'm doing it because we think it's the right thing to do for our child.

Yes, I know, there's a whole other camp out there that believes all of this information about donor egg/sperm should be shared with everyone and anyone from the word 'go', including the child.  We've just made a very considered and conscious decision that we don't believe that is the right approach for us and our child.

Believe me, I still have worries that we'll get to the point where we want to share this information with our child and despite whatever we say to the contrary, he'll perceive it as having been "a big secret" and think that because it was a secret there must be something wrong about it.

But we still think it's the right way to proceed.  We envision telling our son about this probably in stages - commensurate with his ability to understand and his emotional maturity at the particular point in time.

And, of course, there's the issue that the donor egg, in this case, comes from my sister.  We want - and my sister wants - an aunt/nephew relationship for our son.  We think in so many ways that learning that his aunt helped his mom and dad have him will be a wonderful thing for our child to know.  But we also want him to develop that relationship before he becomes fully aware of the slightly different genetic relationship he has to his aunt.

Anyhow, back to the point.  I just don't think I see any way to be upfront and educational about donor eggs among acquaintances without revealing that our son is a DE baby.  And I guess I'm just lamenting that here.  Hmmm..... thoughts?

I'm still here

I've been reading blogs (although not commenting much) but just haven't had the time nor inclination to write on my own blog.  I feel like it's a little bit of moving away from this community - which may be appropriate at this point.  I hardly feel infertile anymore, although I obviously needed lots of help to get pregnant this second time (sister donor egg, as you may recall.)

Nevertheless, I love when I get to read even few-and-far-between posts from my favorite bloggers with updates on their lives (whether that's continuing the infertility march, being pregnant or dealing with baby/toddler).

So, I'm 29 weeks (I think, I've kind of lost track and my newsletter things seem confused between 29 and 30 weeks...I could sit down and figure it out but am not that interested really...jeez, how I've become quite lackadaisical about this whole thing!)

My c-section is scheduled for April 3.  They called the day after New Year's to give me instructions on when to show up at the hospital, etc.  I had to write it down because, I mean, it was still 3 months away!  I might forget!

Baby boy kicks like a pro-soccer player, although he's mellowed out a bit the last few days.  Not sure if that's because he's starting to run out of room or not.  I have a next ultrasound on Jan. 31.  The last time I went in for a scan - just before Christmas - they told me I didn't need to come again for 8 weeks.  I had been used to going every 4 weeks (last pregnancy and this) so I made the appt for 6 weeks - not quite ready to relinquish the advantages of being elderly multigravida.

I guess the other news is that we told my parents and Mr.Right's mom over Christmas about the egg for this baby coming from my sister.  No drama and, frankly, I think everybody's kind of forgotten already all about it.  My mom said some very nice things, my mother-in-law was very appreciative of my sister's generosity and my dad, who is normally not very openly emotional, but I know from my mom often worries himself awake at night about things behind the scenes, did worry a bit out loud about how my nephews might view the baby when they - eventually, some day - find out that he's sort of their genetic half-brother, but I haven't had any reports from my mom that my dad has worried much more than that.  Again, I forget half the time that this baby was made with my sister's egg and I think everyone else does too.  And that's a good thing, I think.

Otherwise, just kind of tired.  But I'm carrying a bit more weight than last pregnancy at this point.  And it's winter so I'm less consistent about getting out for my daily (ha!) 3 mile walk.  And, I'm freaking 42 and a half, so give me a break! :-)  And, oh yes, babygirl E (I mean, toddlergirl), is quite active - almost running now - and taking only a ~2 hour nap in the afternoon (albeit sleeping 12-13 hours/night).  So, I guess I have a few things to be tired about.

Just starting to get the baby's room together.  Yesterday while my parents were here (on the way to Florida for a month), they helped me move E into another bedroom so I can put the baby in her old room.  It had to do with paint colors (and not wanting to paint again), but it's basically the mirror image of her old room (the 2 are connected with a Jack-and-Jill bathroom) so pretty much everything is in the same spot for her as the old room.  She seemed to do just fine with it, and she'll have 2+ months to get used to it before the next shock - the baby arriving.

We've got a name, but while my husband wanted to start using it out loud between us, I find I just can't do it yet.  Still a little bit of the lingering infertility/loss trauma I think.  I'm just a little reluctant to get too attached to this baby (although I am attached, of course) until he arrives alive.

Well, that's it for now!  I will try to update sooner next time and certainly when the baby arrives!!

Boring Pregnancy Update

Not really much to say here.  16weeks yesterday (or tomorrow, depending on how you calculate from our slightly weird FET).  OB appointment last Monday and heard the heartbeat - no ultrasound at my OB's office.  Ultrasound this Thursday at the antenatal center - on the recommendation of the MFM who did the CVS that we start growth monitoring at 16 weeks.  The OB seemed skeptical about the ability to judge growth at 16 weeks, but gave the referral.  I just want to see our little bean again.  I hope he's doing well.

I've gained pretty much no weight from my transfer day.  I've been up 2 or 3 pounds (in the 1st trimester) and lately down 1 or 2 pounds from that conception day weight, but mostly just holding steady.  The OB doesn't seem concerned.  My husband says my body shape is changing - the lower belly is sticking out more (of course that's mostly just my ultra-flabby stomach muscles that haven't seen a sit up since before the last pregnancy).  I've been running or walking 3 miles every day so hopefully the baby is taking the fat off my thighs!!

I mostly forget that this is a donor egg baby.  Last week at the OB appointment, they had a woman come in after my appointment to see if we were interested in joining a genetics study the hospital is doing.  They had given me a flyer at a previous appointment.  The idea is to follow the development of the baby for 2 years with a few simple blood draws as well as a blood draw from the mother.  I could have just told them that we weren't interested in participating, but I really would have - I think it would have been really interesting and I'd have loved to support the research.  But, of course, the baby is not genetically linked to me (well, it is, familial-y since it's my sister's egg, but....) so I just told them that and said I figured that wouldn't fit into their research protocol.  And I was right.  So we won't be participating.  But I think that was the first time in a week or two that I'd thought about the donor part of this baby.

I was even at my sister and BIL's for my nephew's birthday party this past weekend and my BIL congratulated me since we hadn't seen each other since we'd told them I was pregnant.  And I think I even forgot to think then about the fact that this baby was the product of his wife's eggs.

I hope this continues to be a very boring pregnancy.  It's in that stage where I forget I'm pregnant a lot of the time.  Except for going to bed at 8:30 or 9 every night :-)  Of course, as I've been telling people, I'm not sure if that's because I'm 42 and have a 1 year-old or because I'm *pregnant* and 42 and have a 1 year-old.  Hard to tell sometimes.

Karyotype results

Incredibly, the full karyotype results from my CVS done a week ago Thursday came back this past Wednesday.  The results weren't due until next Tuesday!  All normal, yay!

So, we went ahead and started telling everyone - at 13 weeks - feeling kind of early to tell, but oh well.  First up - my sister and her husband.  Caught them in the car headed to soccer practice for their eldest.  Haven't had a chance to talk with my sister since, but since she was the donor of the egg we wanted to tell her before anybody else.  We've decided not to tell our parents and Mr.Right's sister about the egg being from my sister until later.  Preferably face to face - probably around Thanksgiving.

There are a couple of reasons for this.  Obviously, we wanted to explain to them in person what we did and offer them an opportunity to ask any questions in a more detailed way than you can do by phone.  Also, as I thought about it further, we didn't want to give our parents and my SIL something that they felt they had to 'hold back' when otherwise being excited to tell other people about our pregnancy.  E.g. I wanted my Mom to be able without reservation to tell her sister all about it (there's a little element of competition there - my Aunt is expecting her 6th grandchild in early February).

We don't intend to keep the fact that we used a donor egg secret forever, but we want to be the first people to tell our son about it.  For us, that necessitates keeping the circle of people who know before he's old enough to comprehend, quite small.  We think it's only fair.  So, as we discussed with my sister and BIL during our counseling sessions we intend to keep the knowledge to just my parents, Mr.Right's mother, his sister and brother-in-law and, possibly, my sister's in-laws.  At some point around the time when our son is able to understand, we'll probably tell my sister's boys as well.  They'll genetically be half-brothers.  Beyond that, it will be up to our son about whom he wants to tell.

I have no idea if this is the "right" thing to do, but this is how we've decided to handle it.  I know there are people who advocate talking about it from day one with the child and everyone around them.   Honestly, with the degree to which I quite often forget that we used a donor egg now (heck, I even forget half the time that I'm pregnant at all, e.g. I was totally getting excited on Wednesday night to go to one of my 'mom's night out' evenings and thinking about the couple of glasses of wine I'd be drinking......until I realized, oh yeah, I'm pregnant!) I imagine I may have a hard time remembering once babyboy is here that he's the product of a donor egg (except, of course, for those times when he's acting up and I can blame it on my sister!)

Anyhow, we're out there now.  I hope this pregnancy sticks around.  Feeling pretty great actually - trying not to gain any weight yet.  I just looked at my records from last pregnancy and I'm already 2 pounds heavier than I was at week 18 last time!  Of course I started this pregnancy 5-10 pounds heavier at conception.  A 3 mile woods trail walk every day with the dog and pushing E in the Bob stroller should help keep weight in check to some extent (if I can stop eating ice cream every afternoon!)

46, xy!

Yes, it's a boy!  And, as of yesterday afternoon we know that we have normal numbers (a pair, that is) of chromosomes 13, 18 and 21.  Phew!  Full karyotype results in another week, but given that Mr.Right  has already had a full karyotype and has none of the more common genetic issues, we're pretty sure that all will be ok.

Nevertheless, I let Mr.Right talk me into holding our news for another week.  His argument is that we'll be that one week further along the downward slope of spontaneous miscarriage.  I'll be 14 weeks when we tell my sister (whom I'm calling first) and our parents and Mr.Right's sister.  We decided that we'll wait until we see our parents in person to tell them about the egg being from my sister.  So, that may be as earlier as the weekend of October 20 for my parents.  We might not see my mother-in-law until right before Thanksgiving though, so not sure how we're going to do that.  Maybe we'll just wait until around T-day to tell my parents and my mother-in-law.

So, E will be the queen - the only granddaughter on both sides still.  I hope she likes having a younger brother.  I do have to say I was just a little bit sad that she won't have the experience of having a sister - my sister and I are obviously close.  But, that's such a minor thing compared to the giant miraculous fortune of getting to have another child!

That's all I have time for, for now!  (This giving up the morning nap - we're on week 3 of that - is great for flexibility in getting to the store, etc. in the morning - but on a rainy day it taxes what little creativity I have to keep E entertained for 4.5 - 5 hours straight!)