iamsam … ithink…

Not much to blog about really.  But i feel the need to put something down in writing.  Don’t ask me why.  i wouldn’t be able to answer.

Am still trying to pull my self out of the blue funk that my car has left me in this month.  Have spent an absolute fortune on getting her mobile at least again.  Borrowing from Paul to pay Peter, to keep Joe happy, and my car somewhat usable.  I know that she is on the way out. I can feel it whenever i drive her.  and hear it too.  Tis totally sad, as i really do love her to bits, and will be really sad when i can no longer use her.  This does leave me in a rather sad predicament.  i owe more on her to MFC than i will be able to sell her for, and i really don’t have the capital (ever) to go out and buy a second hand car for cash.  So this sees me trying frantically to learn how to ride a scooter.  i shudder to think what i look like on this thing.  Probably akin to an overstuffed teddy bear riding one of those undersized motorbikes you see grown men trying to ride with their knees over their ears!  but learn i must.  i don’t even know how to go about getting a learners license for this thing.  something else i need to look into, me thinks!  i don’t even want to think of winter on a scooter….

I found something that is totally lacking in this place called an office is that there is never any music playing.  Granted, we are all (mostly) in an open office scheme.  But with the way people have been leaving lately, there are not a lot of works left who could be disturbed by a low playing radio station.  or something.  As is, i am almost constantly plugged into this laptop or my BB listening to tunes.  but it does get tedious (ok, somewhat) having to remove one headphone to talk on the phone, which in my line of works rings more often than not.  i have this constant need for music.  Almost anything will do.  It rejuvenates the soul, i find.  probably only me, in my warped way, but still.  The one thing that really irks me about this laptop is that i don’t know how to switch off the bloody bells and whistles and beeps and chimes that ring every time i do something in SAP or save something or open something.  it drives me to drink! insane!  so either it is no sound at all, or my playlist with all these stupid chimes in the background!  Argh!

It is now 5 hours later and still this sits along the bottom of my screen through insults at me. So i am going to end off for now.  Home time anyway.  Thank God Its Friday!!!!! 🙂

*xxx*

I am not feeling how i know i should be at the moment.

Just far too many ‘things’ have happened to me since the beginning of this year that i am find really hard to wrap my brain around.  So naturally, being the typical Piscean i am, depression has hit with a bang.  I know it is there  i know i need to ‘kick it’ as soon as i can, but when things are the way they are, it is like riding up a hill on a bicycle backwards!

And along with the depression, comes the crash of the self-esteem.  i don’t like my figure.  never have.  probably never will.  but i am trying my damnedest to do something about it, although it feels like i am knocking my head against a solid brick wall.

I found the link to this blog on someone else’s blog that i enjoy reading whenever she gets the chance to post something.  and, along the lines of this blog post, this is exactly me!  i hate photographs being taken of me.  i duck whenever there is a camera around, run and hid as fast as i can.  to the point where there is only 1 photo i like of myself taken when i was unaware of the sneaky bastard brandishing the camera.  the family constantly bitch and that there are no pics of me … well, let me amend that – my mother ONLY – bitches about photos, and the lack thereof.  i always make some comment to placate, but never take it any further.

Maybe i should.

Here is the link to the blog i am referring to.  Read it, if you feel the urge.  But it sure has got me thinking.

xxx