iamsam … ithink…

I had an angel card reading done again for me this past weekend.  Seem to have had them done a few times over the past couple of months.
Yes, I am searching for something. Mainly I think answers to the crap year that has unfolded behind me this year.
That will come later.
Back to the angel card reading.
One of the things she mentioned is that 2013 is the year of a new earth. The birth of the new earth, now having ascended to the 5th element apparently.  So be it. I think.
This year has been shit, to put it politely.  The first half went as smoothly as a year could go I would say.

it seriously screws up your life when it happens to you, doesn’t it?

3.5 months now for me, and it feels like just this morning …. and i can already feel the tears starting, yet again….

i can say one thing though, it just doesn’t feel real.  at all.

i have started to write this post many many times now, and everything that comes out just doesn’t seem real to me, almost unbelievable really, but the voice inside my head tells me on a daily basis that yes, it is real, and it did happen, and i need to really grow up and get over it.  Yeah right.  it is something i will never be able to get over.  and that i can say with certainty.

on the 13th of June this year, my mom had one of her “shit-i-cant-breathe” moments at some ungodly hour of the morning.  Her caretaker, Abigail, knows that this passes, and life goes on.  But no, has to phone my aunt around the corner who immediately calls MARS ambulance service to come and help.  Of course, their first reaction is to haul my mother (literally) protesting all the way, to the hospital.  they should have known better, they have been through this a couple of times before.  So, as due process goes, my mother is checked into hospital and her doctor / specialist is notified.  Takes her two days to come visit, by the way, but that’s beside the point.  My mother did not want to go back there.  She expressed it. Loudly. Often.  But who listens to someone who is apparently sick.  They have no say in this i guess.

Two weeks later, and my mom is still in hospital.  Nothing is wrong.  besides the fact that she has now contracted a really bad dose of flu.  Normal in that place, i was told.  Seriously!  A couple of bad experiences the night she was brought in that i have sworn to my grave never to reveal to anyone (or she will haunt me..) dignity destroying bad.  Let me state that there was no physical or mental abuse or anything like that, just really embarrassing episodes that would destroy or badly dent anyone’s dignity. Anyway.  Things for her are progressively getting worse.  When she went into that Place, she still had the ability to walk, albeit not far and not for long, but still have the courage to use her own legs and sticks.  Now, nothing.  Scared shit of going down the passage to the bathroom, afraid to down in case she cant get herself upright again.  and the nurses as helpful as a lone tree in a lightning storm.

My moms (only) sister (also my Godmother) and Cousin decide to drive down to visit the family from Harare, bout a 5 hour drive.  My aunt is coming down basically to get my mother out of that Place.  She is the only one really who probably could and would.  3/4 of the way down, some …… cannot find the words really to describe him, decides to over take all on a blind rise, into oncoming traffic.  Needless to say, he drives on merrily, never stopping, as he causes unrepairable damage behind him.  My cousins SUV is ploughed into, head on, buy the oncoming merc who swerved to avoid the dipshit overtaking, when he over-corrects his swerve.  Both passengers of the merc are killed on impact.  My cousins car is smashed beyond repair, but thank God for well built and reinforced cars.  It saved them.  Well, not quite.  My cousin suffers seatbelt injuries that will never heal and broken ribs and lacerations everywhere.  My aunt suffers from a blow to the head on the dashboard before the airbag deployed.  And yes, she was wearing her seatbelt.  My aunt was rushed back to the nearest biggest town to the hospital there, scans were done, and it was decided to send her back to Harare.  A 3 hour trip at best.

She never made it back.  my aunt passed away at 11:25pm on the evening of 28th June 2013.

I had to move house on the 29th June, which was duly completed.  How, i cant remember, and i was deposited on a plane to Zim in the early hours of the 30th June to attend my aunts memorial and funeral.

Arriving home was hard.  My mom was still in hospital, and most of my family had already left to go to Harare.  It took me two days to get my mom out of the hospital and back home.  She was totally unable to get up and move around.  As a result she refused point blank to go to her sisters memorial.  It killed her inside, i know it did.  But i also realized that she had really given up.  So to Harare i flew on the Thursday morning of the memorial.  I hated to go on my own, leaving my mom behind, there was nothing really i could do.  The entire family was there, and more.  i have never seen so many family friends and the entire family (save for my mom) in one place at the same time.  it was great to see everyone again, don’t get me wrong.  But it did bring back to me full face that i just really don’t belong in the circle.  Have always lived on the fringes of my family’s circle, but it was just so much more apparent this time.  Memorial done and lived through.  i even managed to stand up and say a few word’s on behalf of my mom, which i royally screwed up, but at least i gave it a shot.  no one else had even thought of it.  Flew home the Friday morning to spend the last two days with mom.

Mom actually asked me to stay another week, as she still needed help doing anything and everything.  Phoned the boss at work, who was not too charmed at all, but said ok.  So spent the next week trying all sorts of ways to ensure my mom was mobile enough without me there.  Nothing worked.  I have discovered though, that i will never make a good frail care nurse.  At the end of that week, mom asked again if i would stay a bit longer.  She phoned my boss this time, who had no option but to let me stay.  My mom has a way with words.  had me twisted around her little finger the day i was born i think.  So i extended my ticket again and prepared for another week in.  By this time, my mom was hardly eating at all, as she hated the process of having to go to the loo.  She had stopped having her nightly drinks altogether the night she got home.  That should have been my first warning sign i guess.  Sunday the 14th July was a really bad night for the both of us.  It was horrendously cold, and we had run out of gas for the heater.  Sadly, it is not like here where one can go to the nearest garage and swap out a bottle.  Could not for the life of me get the heater to work either, so my mom spent a freezing night in her chair in the lounge.  i had a sleepless night as i kept checking on her to ensure she was not too cold or uncomfortable or anything.  Monday was a really bad day.  We were both grumpy from lack of sleep.  Mom was not feeling well at all either.  Had a bug, from what i dont know, which did not make bathroom ‘visits’ any easier at all.  That afternoon i had to call the MARS Ambulance guys back again to help with a problem, which they came and did, and duly sorted out.  no mention was made of hospital, it was needed.  the second sign i got was when she asked for help into her bed, and not back to her chair in the lounge.  This done, she slept, well, until about half nine that night, when she needed to turn over.

That was when the living nightmare started.  Mom could not get comfortable, no matter what i tried.  Rolled her onto her other side, which lasted for 15 minutes then a move was needed again.  and so it went.  tried on both her sides, on her back, sitting at an angle, everything  i could think of.  We fought.  Often.  She tried to make it up, i refused.  i just wanted to sleep and couldn’t.  And so it went, all night.  Around 3am she phoned Abigail to come and help.  It didn’t.  she just had 2 people fussing and arguing with her instead of just me. My third sign was when she yelled at me at one stage to just let her go, and i yelled back that she could go where the hell she ever wanted to go.  i wasn’t holding her back.  it was the quiet thank you that clicked everything in my head together.  It was pure downhill from there.  She suddenly lost her ability to talk properly, mumbling in a language that we didn’t understand at all.  Kept trying to get herself off the bed to take someones dog to the vet.  And things.  Abigail and i spent all our time ensuring her the dog was fine and trying to keep her on the bed, which she was managing to slide off of.  We would never have managed to get her back onto it if she had gotten off it.  Then the choking noises started.  That scared the hell out of me.  By now it was morning.  The gardener had been let in by someone as it was his day to work at the house.  He called my aunt-in-law around the corner to come quickly as he heard shouting fro the ‘madam’.  i was talking loudly to my mom then trying to get some sense out of her which was not happening.

My mom died in my arms at 7:20am on the 16th July this year.

And typing that still kills me.

So hence the heading of this post.  i lost the two most treasured women in my life within 16 days.  It is slowly killing me inside.  But i cant show that to the world.  i cant explain to everyone i know what i am going through.  They all think i am doing just fine. i don’t know how.  i guess that is why i have put it down in black and white.  The only person who knows what i am going through is my cousin.  she totally blames herself for her moms death (as she was driving).  i know that will live with her for the rest of her life.  i feel the same as well.  yes, i do blame myself.  i am sure there was things i could have done, said, showed, which i never did.  i feel like i brushed her off the whole time.

My mom died, and my whole world caved in.