“Toughing it Out” is not Strength.

I used to think resilience meant sticking it out—gritting my teeth through the bad days, proving my worth to people who didn’t appreciate me, and holding on because I wasn’t a quitter. I told myself that if I worked harder, if I communicated better, if I just gave it more time, things would improve.

They didn’t.

Looking back, the signs were always there. The inconsistencies. The gaslighting. The empty reassurances that change was coming, even when nothing ever did. But I ignored them because walking away felt like giving up, and I didn’t want to be someone who gave up.

At work, I watched management dismiss valid concerns, treat employees like they were disposable, and refuse to listen to feedback from the people on the frontlines. I kept thinking that if I could be the bridge between leadership and the team, maybe I could make a difference. But when I was fired—specifically not for poor performance—I realized the truth: they were never going to change. And it was never my job to fix them.

In my personal relationship, I saw the same patterns—promises that things would be different, that he would try harder, that he would get better. And every time, I wanted to believe him. Because I knew the version of him that wanted to be better, and I clung to that person. But intentions don’t equal action, and I finally had to admit that loving someone isn’t enough if they refuse to love themselves. I’ve always known that you’re not ready to love someone else if you don’t love yourself; just when I thought I figured out what that meant for myself, I hadn’t considered that my partner wasn’t ready to love someone else, because he still had to understand self-love and self-care.

Resilience isn’t about how much you can endure. It’s about knowing when enough is enough.

The day I got fired, I felt a sense of freedom I wasn’t expecting. The day I walked away from my relationship, I felt relief instead of heartbreak. That was when I realized I wasn’t giving up—I was choosing myself. Post-breakup, but pre-firing, I was on edge all day when I was anticipating seeing him, waiting for him to find another job, which was something he’d expressed for over a year…but then HR let me go. After the brief grieving period of my employment, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders because this also meant I never had to see him ever again.

This is just the beginning. I still have work to do in trusting my instincts, in recognizing red flags before they become roadblocks, in letting go of situations before they reach the breaking point. But every day, I remind myself: resilience isn’t staying—it’s knowing when to leave. I didn’t have to walk away on such negative terms; I should have learned when it was time for me to go, so I could go on my own terms.

It’s been over a month and a half since I was let go and I still haven’t touched my bottle of propranolol. Except to refill it.

Red Flags of the Hardass Boss:

🚩Inflexible and Unyielding – Schedules were set without leeway for improvement because of “if it works, don’t fix it” attitude. It did not work.
🚩Prioritizes Numbers Over People – Employees are not tools you use to make the machine work; we all have our strengths and weaknesses. Ideally, we’re all talented at every aspect of our jobs, but we’re still human… What one person does well, another shies away from, and there was a lot of judgment from the people who are not on the frontlines, yet had a lot to say about how to improve our performance.
🚩Creates a Culture of Silence – I tried bridging the gap between management and lower-level employees, getting both levels to come to an agreement, but the management team just wanted to give people direction without explanation.
🚩Fails to Acknowledge Good Work – Shout-outs happened during management meetings, but nobody else approached the employee in question of the acknowledgement. Except me. I’d ask if someone already spoke to them about their initiative and good ideas, but that question was always met with a confused “no”.
🚩Doesn’t Foster Trust – Employees were more comfortable keeping their concerns to themselves. Trust starts at the top and is earned by associate-level employees.
🚩Refuses to Self-Reflect – We’re all human, managers especially. Even when I was a manager, I knew I had room for improvement, not just because this was my first time in a management position, but because I’m not a perfect person. It’s not enough to acknowledge this though; it’s only when you put effort into doing better that’s when it counts.
🚩High Turnover – I understand that in any retail or restaurant business, turnover is expected. But at least twice, during my time at my old job, did people ditch during their first week. One of them left during their first lunch break and never returned. That’s not normal!
🚩Values Control Over Growth – This was why I was let go: I tried to use my voice to bring management and associates together and was silenced over it. Toxic managers want obedience, not change.
🚩Blames Employees Instead of Addressing Problems – Case in point: yours truly.

Red Flags of the “Cool” Right-Hand Manager:

🚩Pretends to Be an Ally – Gains employee trust but ultimately prioritizes their own interests.
🚩Listens But Doesn’t Take Action – Unless it affects them.
🚩Plays Both Sides – Pretends to be on the hardass boss’ side, but then expresses they don’t care as much about what said hardass boss is concerned about, completely undermining hardass boss’ authority.
🚩Inconsistent Leadership – Sometimes bends the rules, but strictly enforces them when the hardass boss is nearby.
🚩Shows Selective Loyalty – Chooses when and whom to support based on personal gain.
🚩Gaslights Employees – Pretends problems aren’t as bad as they are or downplays mistreatment.
🚩Encourages Oversharing – Makes employees feel safe confiding in them, only to use it against them later. (This one’s the one that got me on paper. I confided in the “cool” manager and it’s what caused my fall.)
🚩Avoids Confrontation – Prefers to maintain their status rather than stand up for what’s right.
🚩Toxic Positivity – May encourage fake sense of optimism to distract from real problems.

Dynamics of Hardass Boss + “Cool” Right-Hand

🚩Employees Feel Manipulated – Unsure of whom to trust or what the rules actually are.
🚩Burnout Becomes Commonplace – Unrealistic expectations lead to emotional and physical exhaustion (from being on edge for so long).
🚩Employees Kept in Survival Mode – Instead of thriving, they just focus on getting through the day.
🚩Company Culture Feels Performative – Leadership pretends to care but takes no real action.
🚩Punishments Seem Arbitrary – I was written up multiple times for oversharing. I never got specifics especially when I got fired. At first, I thought, “That’s reasonable, that just means I shouldn’t overshare about my life.” But where’s the line? What’s the difference between sharing your day or your life and oversharing? Even when I was being fired, there was no final straw. It felt personal; like they were building a case against me and once they reached a certain quota, it was time to let me go. That’s a red flag.
🚩Turnover is Dismissed as “Normal” – High employee exit rates are treated as inevitable rather than a sign of leadership failure.
🚩Employees are Disposable – Management sees hiring and firing as a revolving door rather than investing in retention.
🚩Performance Doesn’t Matter – During my firing, I told my boss, “I was sure that my performance on the job outweighed the damage my oversharing did.” He told me verbatim, “That’s not what this is about.” That’s a red flag.

I’ll cover the red flags of my relationship some other time; this is just the focus on the professional setting.

Employee Reviews

I’ve never had to check employee reviews of a company, but you’d better be damn certain I check them now. I check them before I walk into an interview to figure out what to expect, go to the interview to confirm my suspicions, and decide whether or not I accept an offer. I went to my last interview and did this and it was understood on both sides that it’s not going to work out, which means I saved myself from another toxic workplace.

I took propranolol everyday while working at this high-traffic tourist destination; I’ve now gone over 40 days without it.