Tend

Dale Carnegie once said:

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”

Because

“People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt, and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on.” 

Said Eckhart Tolle.

I say:

People are never satisfied. When they get what they want, they want more, bigger, better things. The cliché the grass is always greener on the other side is not just a cliché. If we care to admit we all know that there is some truth, a lot of truth in that old saying. We never stop craving, wanting, fantasizing, obsessing for all the things we don’t have yet. We are convinced life would be better if we have what we are dreaming of. And those seem to be always out of reach because once we got it there will be something new to obsessed about. And those become our goals trying our very best to achieve the things we think we need while complaining about stress depression lack of time burnout and all those conditions that make it impossible to relax and have peace of mind.

What to do then?

Continue as it is. Why? Because no matter what I or anybody would say, people will go on living their merry lives in their own familiar old trusted ways. We are creatures of habit and habits are hard to break. It doesn’t feel right when you do it. We go to shrinks, self-help groups, weight watchers anonymous this and that and it will work, or seemingly working, for a time; then all of a sudden we will get a moment of epiphany and we will begin to question our motives and before we know we are right back on the old track.

And why is that?

Because it feels good to have a goal, inspiration, motivation, a driving force that fuels our desires so we have a reason to wake up in the morning go to work and swallow all the bullshits we encountered on the road, it stops us from killing our bosses co-workers spouses children neighbors and the dogs and cats or whatever pets we have that take so much of our already so little precious time. It stops us from setting our double mortgaged houses landscaped gardens and state of the art we barely can afford cars on fire. It stops us from jumping off the cliff or bridge if you prefer or hang ourselves or at least packing our bags to have an indefinite vacation in the loony bin. It helps us to go on. You know what they say…  A life without dreams is like a garden without flowers.


Whoever said that never heard of foliage gardening. Forgive my muddled thoughts. I’m loaded with tranquilizers and still sleep deprived. Not because I’m thinking of bigger and better things but because of the pain. The pain… I will go up and lie down for a bit. Till next time?

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Tour Guide

I live somewhere in Europe and as you know the continent is full of beautiful places, historical buildings, breathtaking landscapes and awe-inspiring nature. I could have chosen any of those but I thought which of those you have never seen before? And after a time landmarks tend to either look like or blend with each other or become so familiar people just scroll down when they see them. 

So, today I have chosen a unique piece of art I bet most of you didn’t behold yet.

It was a chance encounter. Not even in my wildest dream, I thought I will find it where it is__ in the middle of nowhere. While hiking I saw it from a distance and I thought: “What is that???” It appears and disappears from view. When you see it you’ll understand what I mean. You see… it looks like this:

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The way it was constructed fascinates me endlessly. I’ve never seen something quite like it before.

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When you look up it looks like this:

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Amazing isn’t it?   

They call it Reading Between The Lines Church and located in the city of Borgloon in the province of Limburg.

The Two Of Us

I wonder what Adam told Eve after
he realized that she bit into the apple,
and now their entire world will tumble.
And God will do what Gods do and curse
them to burn in the eternal fire and abandon
them from the home they built.
And I see the guilt in Eve’s eyes, and she
looks at Adam and realizes that it’s over.
Just yesterday, they ran around, naked,
in the Garden of Eden, and laughed about insignificant
things, and spoke without
ever saying anything. But now, they know
about right and wrong, and nothing makes
sense anymore because that’s what
happens when the mist disappears. That’s
what happens when we uncover whatever gory
details hid beneath our veils.
You, too, will realize one day that we’re
two terrible people who are trying to be good.
But it won’t work because the world
will keep scaring us and we will
keep scratching each other out of fear.
I can see Adam running away from Eve, hiding
so that she doesn’t see him. And I can imagine
you treating me like a goddamn stranger.
Listen.
We ate the apple, and the Gods are pissed.
So, they let us create something.
Only to watch as we destroy it.
 
-the honest musing via Facebook
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Enroll

There are no schools that teach us about the reality of real life. There is nowhere we could enroll to learn how to be a good parent, a perfect partner, or how to make relationships endlessly exciting let alone last. There are no courses to follow on how to forgive and forget, or how to heal a broken heart. Where to go if you are suffering from unrequited love?

Of all the fancy high tech gadgets training courses hype spiritual disciplines and whatnot available out there these days, still they can’t come up with something as simple as how to juggle the many aspects of here and now without losing your sanity. How to survive adolescence without driving yourself and your parents crazy? Sure there are self-help books out there, coaching programs and coaching techniques etc. etc. but they are not real schools and I have yet to see it works.

And I am not even talking about situations that fall outside the box labeled ‘normal.’ That’s a long and winding road that never leads to any door so, we will not go there. Not today.

If someone, anyone diverts ever so slightly from the optical illusion road that the majority deem straight, they have only two choices if they don’t want to be ridiculed and cast out: pills or anything to do with psychiatry or psychology. If I am a kid nowadays I will be very scared just to be me. They give tranquilizer these days to active kids who they accused of having ADHD. Why ADHD right away? Can’t it be that the child is simply more energetic than the rest of the class? And then if a kid is quiet, they give him/her pills for depression. Shocking!

How about schools for learning not to be fake, lie, cheat and deceive? Schools to learn how to be honest, respectful, and content instead of being cruel and materialistic? Are there establishments we could go to to learn how to deal with people armed with those traits? If there are schools to acquired a degree in amnesia and how to cure insomnia, I will sign up right away. No second thought.

Unfortunately, it is all up to us to tackle what fate decides to throw on our paths. There are no universities to apply to learn how to survive. In this vast complicated urban jungle, no matter what degree you have or which walks of life you came from, when it comes to facing the problems of real life, we are all neophytes…

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She Was Done

She was done not fully being herself.

She realized she was the only self she could be—and not being unapologetically true to herself was a disservice to her soul and the world.

She was done listening to the noise of the world. She realized the quiet voice of her own soul was the most beautiful sound.

She was done questioning her motives, her intentions, the call of her soul. She realized questions seek answers, and maybe she already knew the answers.

She was done striving, forcing, pushing through and staying on the hard path. She realized toughing things out might be a sign to pick another path.

She was done with friends that admonished her to be more light and breezy. She realized they didn’t understand she swam in the deep waters of life, she felt at home in their dark depths and died if she lived on the surface.

She was done with the distractions, the denials, the small addictions that pulled her away from the true desires of her soul. She realized that strength of character came from focus and commitment.

She was done not following the desires that yelled out in her soul every day. She realized if she did nothing about them, they died a quiet death that took a piece of her soul with them.

She was done with dinner parties and cocktail hours where conversations skimmed the surface of life. She realized the beverages created distortion and a temporary happiness that wasn’t real and disappeared in the light of the day.

She was done trying to please everyone. She realized it could never be done.

She was done questioning herself. She realized her heart knew the truth and she needed to follow it.

She was done analyzing all the options, weighing the pros and cons and trying to figure everything out before leaping. She realized that taking a leap implied not fully seeing where she landed.

She was done battling with herself, trying to change who she knew herself to be. She realized the world made it hard enough to fully be herself, so why add to the challenge.

She was done worrying as if worry was the price she had to pay to make it all turn out okay. She realized worry didn’t need to be part of the process.

She was done apologizing and playing small to make others feel comfortable and fit in. She realized fitting in was overrated and shining her light made others brave enough to do the same.

She was done with the should’s, ought to’s and have to’s of the world. She realized the only must’s in her life came from things that beat so strong in her soul, she couldn’t do them.

She was done with remorse and could have’s. She realized hindsight never applies because circumstances always look different in the rearview mirror and you experience life looking through the front window.

She was done with friendships based on shared history and past experiences. She realized if friends couldn’t grow together, or were no longer following the same path, it was okay to let them go.

She was done trying to fit in—be part of the popular crowd. She realized the price she had to pay to be included was too high and betrayed her soul.

She was done not trusting. She realized she had placed her trust in people that were untrustworthy—so she would start with the person she could trust the most—herself.

She was done being tired. She realized it came from spending her time doing things that didn’t bring her joy or feed her soul.

She was done trying to figure it all out, know the answers, plan everything and see all the possibilities before she began. She realized life was unfolding and that the detours and unexpected moments were some of the best parts.

She was done needing to be understood by anyone but herself. She realized she was the only person she would spend her whole with and understanding herself was more important than being understood by others.

She was done looking for love. She realized loving and accepting herself was the best kind of love and the seed from which all other love started.

She was done fighting, trying to change or not her accepting her body. She realized the body she came into the world with was the only one she had—there were no exchanges or returns—so love and acceptance was the only way.

She was done being tuned in, connected and up-to-date all the time. She realized the news and noise of the world was always there—a cacophony that never slowed or fell quiet and that listening to the silence of her soul was a better station to tune into.

She was done beating herself up and being so hard on herself as if either of these things led to changes or made her feel better. She realized kindness and compassion towards herself and others accomplished more.

She was done comparing and looking at other people’s lives as a mirror for her own. She realized holding her own mirror cast her in the best, most beautiful light.

She was done being quiet, unemotional and holding her tongue. She realized her voice and her emotions could be traced back to her deepest desires and longings. if she only followed their thread.

She was done having to be right. She realized everyone’s truth was relative and personal to themselves, so the only right that was required was the one that felt true for her.

She was done not feeling at home in the world. She realized she might never feel at home in the world, but that feeling at home in her soul was enough.

She was done being drained by others—by people who didn’t want to take the time for their own process and saw shortcuts though hers. She realized she could share her experience, but everyone needed to do the work themselves.

She was done thinking she had so much to learn. She realized she already knew so much if she only listened.

She was done trying to change others or make them see things. She realized she could only lead by example and whether they saw or followed was up to them.

She was done with the inner critic. She realized its voice was not her own.

She was done racing and being discontent with where she was. She realized the present moment held all it needed to get her to the next moment. It wasn’t out there—it was right here.

She was done seeing hurt as something to be avoided, foreseen or somehow her fault. She realized hurt shaped her as much as joy and she needed both to learn and grow.

She was done judging. She realized judging assumed the presence of right and wrong—and that there was a difference between using information to inform and making someone else wrong.

She was done jumping to conclusions. She realized she only needed to ask.

She was done with regrets. She realized if she had known better she would have done better.

She was done being angry. She realized anger was just a flashlight that showed her what she was most scared of and once it illuminated what she needed to see, she no longer needed to hold on to it.

She was done being sad. She realized sorrow arose when she betrayed her own soul and made choices that weren’t true to herself.

She was done playing small. She realized if others couldn’t handle her light, it was because they were afraid of their own.

She was done with the facades and the pretending. She realized masks were suffocating and claustrophobic.

She was done with others’ criticism and complaints. She realized they told her nothing about herself—only informed her of their perspective.

She was done yelling above the noise of the world. She realized living out loud could be done quietly.

She was done needing permission, validation or the authority. She realized she was her own authority.

She was done being something she was not. She realized the purpose of life was to be truly, happily who she was born to be…and if she paused long enough to remember, she recognized herself.

~Relephant: Via Adrienne Pieroth

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For Love

Van Gogh gave his severed ear to a
prostitute, and decades later a woman
married the Berlin Wall because she
got too tired of leaving men. A couple
somewhere got surgery to look identical,
and in Florida, a man dug out his dead lover’s
body from the grave. But the prostitute flung
the ear in disgust, and the wall crumbled.
The surgery reminded her too much of his flaws,
and the corpse stank while it lay on the bed.
When I first met you, we talked about
how Sylvia Plath placed her head in the oven.
You laughed and said people do terrible
things when they think it’s for love.
And it reminds me of every time
I scraped wounds because it felt like intimacy.
How I squeezed tears out of those big, pale
eyes and called it vulnerability. When Antony died,
Cleopatra kept a snake on her chest and waited
for its bite. Maybe that’s how it ends: the venom
passing through the veins with slow movements,
dissolving everything with pleasure. Maybe that’s
how it should be: I wonder if the prostitute ever
realized that Van Gogh loved her.
 

~honest musing via Facebook

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Beloved

Meet Lizzy. She’s a survivor.

Once upon a time, there were a lot of them. There was Tommy, Abigail, Lucy, the gypsy triplets Scheherazade, Esmeralda, and Aurora, the English one Emily, Annie the country girl, Mollie the baby and a lot more but I have forgotten their names already.    

Out of the 27 pieces of antique porcelain dolls in my collection, she alone escaped the wrath of my ex-husband when during one of his drunken episodes he decided to murder all of them using a screwdriver. He stabbed them one by one right in the face. One doll I found his weapon of choice still buried deep in one eye. Luckily he passed out before he could damage my beloved Lizzy. The reason? He got none aside from his opinion that I loved the dolls more than him and spent more time in their company than in his.

It reminds me of the time he flushed my goldfish down the toilet and let out my parakeets in the middle of the winter, killed the giant pothos his late grandmother had given me, removing the leaves one by one until there was nothing left but the climbing pole for exactly the same reason: They took so much of my time he said. Well, it’s all water under the bridge now. 

Lizzy’s face neck and chest together with her arms and legs are made of porcelain and the only doll in my collection who has movable joints. I love her big innocent sorrowful chocolate brown eyes, baby limbs, and pouty lips, her traditional attire too. When I finally had the courage to walked out from the hell house, I took nothing but the clothes on my back and Lizzy. 

You can read the rest of our journey to freedom here.

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