No one is going to dull my sparkle! Still shining ✨️ 💛

But I don’t wana go on with you like that
It gets so hard sometimes to understand
This vicious circle’s getting out of hand
Don’t need an extra eye to see
That the fire spreads faster in a breeze 🖤

I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That- Elton John 🖤

This is the version of this post that I’ll probably share on Facebook. I have a much longer version for this blog. But, for now, I will share this shorter version (still super long).

I shared this on here before, but I later removed the post out of concern that certain people may see it. I think the post is called “I don’t wanna go on with you like that.” Elton John! It’s back in my drafts, and I considered publishing it again. But, I’ll share this instead and name it after the original. Lol

When I posted it last year, I was in a darker place. I had no idea what to do. This year, I’m in a much better and productive headspace. Back then, I was depressed.

Also, there was something slightly identifying in some of my screenshots. Someone would have to do some serious sleuthing to do anything with it, but still. Lol

I don’t want anyone to be able to contact my “family” who this is about.

I have been carrying something heavy that no one knows.

Multiple occasions, I tried to share this and just couldn’t bring myself. But I can’t keep it inside anymore.

I finally asked for help and feel a weight has been lifted off of my whole body. I did not even realize how heavy it was until it lifted.

I am so happy and light, it’s just amazing. I knew to an extent how much suffering alone was affecting me, but not just how much until I finally reached out for help.

I haven’t even received help yet and already feel a sense of being empowered, just at the prospect. And I did have the opportunity to share my experience with a professional person before I visit in person.

My appointment is later this month.

There was a point, just a year ago, where I felt this situation was not compatible with life. And, if you read this, you’ll understand why.

I want my side out there. I want my voice heard.

I feared that if I shared this, people may see it as a reflection of me, like if someone is doing this to me there must be a reason for it. Like maybe I deserve it. Because who would do this to someone for literally no reason? It’s not uncommon for people to think if we are the target of abuse or assault, we did something to “deserve” it. But that’s not the case. No one deserves this.

I am being badly abused. Every day. It has been going on for years. There are almost no breaks.

I live with severe domestic violence, and no one knows it but me.

Last year, it reached the point where I can no longer cope. I can’t go it alone anymore. I called the National Domestic abuse hotline last Summer, and it was AI. Not a person. And it wouldn’t help me because I’m not abused by a romantic partner. As if that’s the only abuse that’s valid.

It was extremely disheartening to call for help and not only not be greeted by another human but told by a robot that my experience is not valid. And it told me it would send me a link to resources where I can get help. I clicked the link, and it was a link to their own website with the same number I contacted and was told my experience isn’t valid. What a joke.

I considered calling the suicide hotline, but I feared I would be locked away if they traced my call and tracked my location. I was involuntarily hospitalized years ago for being suicidal. They physically restrained me, took me to Court, and locked me away for weeks against my consent. So, I decided not to call, and continued to suffer alone. Also, my problem wasn’t being suicidal, it was being abused. I wanted help with the origins of the problem, not the side effect of it. I eventually came to handle it better in my mind. But the situation is still toxic.

Life did not used to be like this for me. And I miss when it wasn’t. I miss having a normal life at home. There were always toxic issues. But nothing to this extent.

The worst of it has been going on the last two years. Before that, it was manageable and mostly able to be ignored. I had a happy childhood, full of vacations & camping trips and movies and playgrounds and ice cream and toys. My dad made childhood fun. And my mom took care of me and was, overall, a loving mom (unless she was angry). This is something that escalated through the years.

My mom & sister are violent domestic abusers.

They should be on a list.

I don’t wish negative things on them, but my sister plans to get married in the future and have kids. And every good man (and even potential platonic friends) should be warned. She’s out there.

And she accuses pretty much everyone of rape, even admitted it wasn’t true in some cases. I am sorry for whatever poor bastard gets involved with her. Have fun being falsely accused of rape. Lol

She lied and told my mom she caught me watching rape movies and getting off on it in my bedroom. My mom called me a “sick fuck.” She also posted this on Facebook, said I was getting off on women screaming “Stop” and “No.”

One day, she was awake in her bedroom. I heard her. I was in my bed, watching Pippi Longstocking. And my sister ran down the steps, screaming to my mom that I woke her up blasting a rape movie and traumatized her. My mom was furious and cursing at me.

I realized that after my dad moved out a couple years ago, what he was displaying all these years was mostly reactive abuse. It was a response to my mom’s years long verbal absue of him. He became a monster (mostly to my mom), and I thought it was all him. I forgot through the years what she did to him first, because his reaction to her became so extreme that it overshadowed what she was doing all along, to both of us.

I never knew reactive abuse is a thing until he moved out and I saw what she began doing worse to me, and I began to have the same reactions as he did, after a while, except in my case, they aren’t anywhere near as toxic. When I say something to her about her being wrong, she says “That’s what he always said, you’re just like him, you’re both narcissistic assholes!” Or something of that sort. It hit me that that’s why he was reacting that way all along. Then, coincidentally, not long later, I saw a post about reactive abuse on social media. I get it now. He eventually put her in her place and kept her there. It was the only way to stop her. Then, he looked like the monster.

When he moved out years ago, for five years, she was way worse with me then, too, and I always wondered why for those five years, she was worse with me, instead of happy to be rid of him. Now, I understand, the source of it all was her, and when he moved out, I became the target. Everything he said through the years is now happening worse to me. It always did, just worse now.

He is a toxic person, and much of what he did wasn’t justified. But as soon as he moved out two years ago, she moved right onto me, and I find myself having all the same thoughts he used to say “She comes at me and at me and at me,”

“She twists my words around to make me look bad and then argues with me,” “I’m like a lion in a cage, she just pokes me and pokes me and pokes me until I react and then I’m the bad guy,” “She constantly criticizes me for no reason.” “She constantly makes me do all her shopping.” “She has anger issues.” “She always has negative body language/tone with me for no reason.” “She’s always laughing at me.” (She always accused him of trying to control her movements and expressions and tones, and I thought he was being seriously abusive to her, but since he moved out, and she got worse with me, I see now. He was doing that because she was constantly hostile with him, just like with me. I do the same thing now. I’ll say one simple thing that is valid or reasonable, and she’ll roll her eyes or look at me like I’m disgusting. This takes a toll after a while to where you just get angry about how they’re looking at you and how the animosity seeps through their body language. )

This has been going on much longer than two years, my mom was toxic her whole life, but the worst of it was in the last couple of years. And in these last years, I began to see the whole picture more clearly.

My mom is full of rage & hate. For life itself. And it’s all unleashed onto me because I’m an easy target. The rage radiates off of her. It’s palpable. She screams and yells and curses and stomps around the house day & night, day after day, ranting & raving & raging. She throws things, crumples things up in her hands out of anger, stomps her feet, throws stuff to the floor and stomps it, making these primitive gutteral sounds of fury.

My mom cannot handle anything that is not even remotely criticism. She does Olympic medal level mental gymnastics to reach the conclusion that something is criticism against her. And then she goes off about it. And any mistake she makes is someone else’s fault, usually mine. She forgets where she set her glasses down, and it’s my fault for talking and not paying attention to where she set them. She drops a bag a cashier is handing her, after it’s already in her hand, and it’s the cashier’s fault. One day, that happened, and glass in the bag broke.

She said it was the cashier’s fault for how she handed the bag to my mom (she literally just reached out for her to take it). Then, when we got home and I was upstairs, I heard my mom downstairs telling my sister that the cashier dropped the bag and broke the glass thing my mom bought. She can take no responsibility.

Oh. And she’s a racist, too 🙃

She calls black people N***ers. (I have multiple screenshots), but only to my sister and me. No one else knows she’s a racist. She says women, even married women, who don’t want to become pregnant should “keep their legs closed, the filthy w.hores.”

If you saw her outside, you would never know it. She’s softspoken and sweet and mild mannered-seeming. She says thank you and giggles this fake, sweet, innocent giggle and has people thinking she’s the sweetest little lady.  (She has become so angry, though, that she’s beginning to show it to others, like cashiers she gets angry at).

But within the walls of our house, she’s violent, oppressive, cruel. She screams at the dogs, says the most vicious insults about me. Says our little dog should be put down when she’s mad at him for snapping at our other dog (she’s only saying that out of anger, she wouldn’t really). She is the most vile, putrid woman you could ever meet. Not to quote Donald Trump, but “Nasty woman.” Lol

One of my cousins stopped talking to my mom because my mom lashed out at her with an abusive text message when my cousin did not talk to her that way. My mom is abusive when angry.

None of this is new, it’s just so much more extreme now, that she’s almost unrecognizable compared to what she used to be.

On my 40th b-day, my mom told me that “40 doesn’t suit you” and called me a miserable bitch as soon as I woke up. I actually wasn’t, I woke up happy and got to see my friend for breakfast. I got a free Starbucks coffee. I went for a walk in the breezy weather. I laid in bed with my dogs. But I was a “miserable bitch” and a “horrible bitch.”

She argued with me over money as soon as I woke up and argued with me about doing all her shopping. Her and my sister refused to work their whole life and depended on my dad’s and my pay to support them and then argue that I don’t bring home enough money. They do almost no house work and won’t do their own food shopping or run any of their own errands. And when I say I’m tired of it, and they have to start doing something, I’m a “horrible bitch” and an “abuser.”

My mom always tries to ruin special days and events for me. I thought it was my dad all these years. But I see after he moved out, it still happens and worse. And I remember now what she always did before he got worse.

She tried to ruin my 40th b-day. She yelled and cursed at me and slung insults. For no reason. She always finds some excuse. But I decided not to give her the power anymore. And now, I’ll have someone helping me.

I asked her to take a picture of me in my 40th b-day sash that I bought myself. It’s hard to get a full body picture, myself. And she was passive-aggressive about it. What “mother” acts like this? She seriously couldn’t take a simple picture for me, for a special occasion?

Many moms would go all out for their daughter’s special day, and would be more than happy to do something to bring them simple joy. She did absolutely nothing for me, just argued with me the second I woke up, said passive-aggressive remarks, and mumbled “happy birthday,” as if she could hardly even pretend to care.

When it’s my sister’s birthday, she’s pampered with expensive flowers, a “birthday girl” ribbon, a balloon, whatever expensive cake she wants, a bunch of gifts, stuffed animals, money, whatever she wants to order online…. Whenever it’s mine, I’m told to get my own cake or whatever they feel like throwing at me, and my sister gets me a few gifts, just out of sense of obligation. My mom couldn’t care less.

My sister at least pretends to care with the bare minimum. She did argue with me, too, though. I went out for a walk, and the very second I walked in the door, they both came at me, arguing, my mom almost yelling, calling me insults. My sister did not tell me Happy Birthday and then used the excuse that I started an argument, when it was really her & my mom who did.

They tried to ruin it for me, but I wasn’t going to let them. I had a great day. I couldn’t completely ignore them, but I engaged as little as possible and told myself to consider the source. They are vile, miserable people. And misery loves company. I wasn’t going to be its company.

One of them (sure it’s my sister) takes and breaks my stuff when I’m out, pours my perfume in my bed. I bought myself a cute Plushie/stuffed animal, months ago, and I came home to find its throat slashed one day. And of course, neither one of them know what happened to it.

They deny that they are abusers, and they claim that I am the abuser. I have screenshots to back up some of what I say. Not the worst of it, but enough evidence. They have NOTHING on me. Just the lies they constantly tell. They use the fact that both of them agree and it’s two against one, to “confirm” I’m the problem.

And what’s funny is, my sister frequently shares memes that say, “I hope your abuser dies today.” 🤣😂

If I could, I would ghost them both so hard, for the rest of this life. But, unfortunately, that’s not an option at the moment.

I found a therapist who is just beginning to get back into work. She put her career on hold to have kids. Now that they’re older, she’s back to work.

She’s going to be leaving the center soon, she’s an intern, completing her degree now.

So I won’t be her longterm client, which is actually good. I don’t feel I need longterm therapy. I can just use a few sessions to learn some coping techniques and get my voice heard.

She’s a mom and specializing in relationships, so I feel that she’ll be a good fit. As a mom herself, she’ll automatically see that what I experience with my own mom, is not normal. She may understand it in a firsthand way almost, because she knows what normal and healthy relationship she has with her own kids, and she has professional experience as well. It would be good if she has basic knowledge of cults/mind control & sociopathic tendencies. Because I believe that’s what’s going on here.

She sent me a form and asked me to explain my situation in-depth.

I’m so thankful for the chance to send it in writing first because I am much better in writing than talking.

So, it will already be on record for her to get much of the whole picture.

It’s kind of long, but I’m going to share here. I’ll copy & paste what I sent my therapist. They wanted as much details as possible, and I am thankful for that because I’m very detail oriented.

Here is exactly what I sent my (temporary) therapist (I censored my sister’s name so that no one can potentially find her and tell her any of this. I would probably be m.ur.dered, and they would probably say it was one of the dolls):

I live with my mom and sister, and they have frequent and unprovoked/easily provoked blowups/outbursts directed at me. They curse at me and argue with me and find problems with me, almost regularly, for the most trivial things or things that aren’t even wrong. It’s constant, unnecessary criticism.

And when I tell them it’s unnecessary, they call me a “narcissist” who can’t handle criticism, even though I say it’s frequent, unnecessary & disproportionate criticism that is the problem, not criticism that really is warranted. Everyone needs criticism, occasionally, but this is constant and unnecessary.

They sling vicious insults at me. I’m called things like a “piece of shit” and a “stupid fuck” and “trash,” and “a freak,” just for accidentally knocking something over or forgetting to do something, or even for things they accuse me of that aren’t true. My mom has called me scum before and other abusive insults just for spilling something, or for things my sister lied about. I never talk this way to them.

Any mistake I make or a perceived mistake by them, they attack my whole character or personality, instead of seeing it as just a mistake anyone can make. Anything I do that they don’t like, even if it’s not wrong or nothing that bad, I’m automatically a terrible person. They call me “shit for a person,” simply for being later than I said I would be for something, and any other petty mistakes.

My mom tells me my hobbies and interests are ridiculous and tells me anything I think or feel is ridiculous. Anything I say about myself, she denies it. If I say I always do something, she tells me I never do. If I say I’m working late, she accuses me of lying and being out just for fun.

If I say I’m good at something, she tells me I’m not. If there’s something I like about myself, she tries to tear it down. If I have an insecurity about something, she tries to fuel it.

She tells me my job is nothing and that it’s a job any lazy person can do and that it’s not even work. She tells me I did nothing with my life, just as an insult. When she tells me I did nothing with my life and I tell her I work, she automatically accuses me of being arrogant and trying to “rub it in” that her and my sister don’t have a job. When my point was just to say I do actually do something with my life, because she says I don’t. They take everything I actually say and intentionally misinterpret it or put an absurd spin on it, to make me look ridiculous or wrong.

My mom tells me no one likes me, and when I mention people who like me, she says it’s only because I’m fake and that if I showed them my real self, they wouldn’t like me.

When I say it’s wrong to talk to me this way, my sister & mom call me a narcissist or too touchy or tell me I deserve to be talked to that way. When I say I don’t do any of this toxic stuff to them, that they do to me, my mom says things like “Well good for you, do you want a medal or a cookie?” When my point was that it shouldn’t happen to me. I cannot reason with either of them because I only get mocked or lashed out at or told it never happened. My mom mimics my voice when I tell her what she does is wrong. She’ll say exactly what I say and use a baby voice, to mock me. She’s 64 years old.

They often deny any of it happened. They do things in front of my face, like throw something, then literally a second later, say it never happened and that I’m either a liar or crazy and imagining it. It’s impossible to address anything they do because they just deny it ever happened.

The lying with them is extreme. It’s abnormal lying. It’s lying that has no “rules” anymore. People usually lie only when the other person did not actually see/hear it and can’t know for certain. Even lying has “rules” or a reasonable aspect to it. But their lying is beyond typical lying.

They do and say stuff directly in front of or to me and then claim it never happened. I don’t have this problem anywhere else, with anyone else. I have a job and a volunteer job and a couple friends I meet up with, and no one else tells me I’m crazy and imagining things or lying or mis-remembering.

Most of this happens in person, but sometimes I have screenshots to prove something they tell me I’m crazy or lying about, to show that I’m right and not “crazy,” and then they call me a “freak” for having screenshots or saving messages. But it’s impossible to work out a problem when someone denies that it ever happened.

There’s like no reference point to work on anything because according to them, it doesn’t exist. Even if they admitted something but defended themselves on it, I can at least try to work with that and come to a solution or something. But when they deny it ever happens, there’s no conversation to take place. And that’s just it, I have to drop it.

They manipulate and control me. They threaten to break or throw away my stuff when I’m at work, and they threaten to throw me out if I don’t do favors for them. They make me go get their food & snacks every single day and run all their errands, and if I have to work late or say I’m going out and can’t do their shopping, they tell me I’m “withholding” and “starving” them, even though they are able-bodied, mentally competent adults, who have full access to my bank account & venmo account. I don’t drive, and they make me carry so much stuff home in bags for them, almost every day.

They make me bring bottles of soda and food and anything else they want. When I say it’s injuring my back and neck, they call me a liar and selfish and say I just don’t want to help them. We live very close to the stores, but they won’t leave the house to get their own stuff. Some mornings, my mom makes me go to a store for her and then more stores for her and my sister later in the evening. If I don’t, I have consequences.

If I refuse to do excessive things they ask me, I get insults and cursed at, or find my perfume poured into my bed or my stuff broken or missing, or my phone chargers cut. They both deny it was them and tell me I’m just losing my mind or that a ghost must have done it.

Or they tell me that maybe one of their dolls took it or broke it because I made the doll angry (They’re doll collectors, and they believe the dolls are haunted & conscious). No one else is in our house. I’m certain it’s my sister doing this.

Every single thing I tell them is toxic about them, they say it’s really true about me. I generally have to stay silent to avoid worse problems with them. But they always find an excuse for an argument or blowup, and it’s always them together against me.

My mom intentionally tries to provoke me to get a reaction, and when she finally gets a reaction, she calls me a narcissist who is harassing her, or calls me crazy. She starts arguments with me as I’m walking out the door or before important events. I used to think it was a coincidence, that something always happened to fall into her lap right then, then I realized it’s intentional, so that I have to walk out shaken up and wondering if it will continue when I get home.

My dad used to say he was like a “lion in a cage,” that my mom would “poke and poke and poke” until he reacted and then he was the “bad guy,” and now she does that to me since he moved out. She used to laugh at him and mock him and say “Oh yeah, you’re a lion,” about his analogy. And she does the exact same to me when I try to explain what she’s doing.

My mom & sister start arguments with me at night, so I have to go to bed shaken and stressed. But it’s all one-sided arguments because I’m not allowed to say my side. If I ever speak up, they scream at me or tell me to shut up, or they talk over me.

Anything that goes wrong, my mom takes it out on me, even when it’s nothing to do with me. If it’s not explicit insults, it’s passive aggressive remarks, and just hostile body language and facial expressions and a cold tone. When I tell her that she’s just always negative with me, that her body language and expressions and tone are antagonistic and cold for no reason, she tells me I’m trying to control how she is.

When she says vicious insults about me and I say it’s wrong, she tells me that’s how she talks and that I’m trying to change who she is and control her, instead of acknowledging that it’s toxic to me.

My mom & sister are severely verbally/emotionally abusive, and they refuse to listen to how it affects me. They tell me I’m exaggerating or lying or that I deserve it and make them do that. Or they laugh at and mock me and say I’m “too touchy.” I tell them what they’re doing is abuse, and they laugh together and say things like “Poor Kim, you’re a poor little abuse victim.”

It’s frequent middle-school-style bullying.

Then, they use my reaction to their abuse against me, to “confirm” that I’m the true problem. They say whatever they want to me or about me, and then they won’t let me talk or say my side. I have to take everything they throw at me and be silent, or they accuse me of harassment.

I’m looking for ways to cope with that and be less affected by it, because at the moment, none of us can change our living situation. The toxic family situation is not new, but through the years, it worsens to where it’s hard to live with sometimes.

My sister is very unhealthy, emotionally. She was since she was a child. She’s almost 30 years old. She has the intellectual ability of someone her age, but she throws fits like a toddler when she doesn’t get her way. She uses her health conditions as a form of manipulation.

She was manipulative since she was a child in ways no kid would even know how to be.

Since childhood, she threatened to kill herself or run away or take drugs or tell vicious lies about us if we did not do what she wanted, like take her to a playground or buy her things she demanded. My mom never got her help. She was a child, threatening suicide, and my mom let it slide. She would tell her not to tell my dad. And when my dad did find out, they wouldn’t let him get her help.

My sister has always threatened me. She’s 10+ years younger than me but tried to control me her whole life. She would threaten to lie to my boss and say I was stealing off the company or stealing off clients, unless I did what she wanted. She threatened to call my therapist back then and lie and say I was “going off.”

She threatened to lie and say my dad sexually abused her, when she got angry at him. She threatened to tell my friends I said things about them that I never said. She threatened to lie and tell people I abused her. She recently threatened that she’s going to “make my life hell.” When I tell her what she does is wrong, she breaks down and sobs hysterically and calls me an abuser, and my mom yells at me and agrees with her.

She did this since childhood. She controlled my mom, dad, and me. But, especially my mom. My dad is also very toxic and was less easy to control, so she mostly kept it to just my mom and me. I stopped falling for it, and now, my sister has resentment for me for not doing everything she wants.

She threatens to lie and tell people I abuse her and that I’m a narcissist. She posts this stuff publicly on Facebook, and I ignore it. She knows she can do this with no consequences. But just once, I shared a meme about verbal abusers on Facebook and said I have family like this. I did not name anyone.

My mom & sister saw it and knew it was about them, and they had a blowup on me for talking about them on Facebook, even though I never said it was them. I still don’t hear the end of it. But my sister lies frequently about me on Facebook, where I can see it. I can’t share my side, or I’ll have to suffer the consequences. But my sister knows there’s no consequences for saying anything to or about me.

It got worse the older she got. I had surgery a couple years ago, for example, and my sister wanted my oxy pills. She doesn’t have a drug problem, she claimed she had a headache. I said no, and she had a breakdown and was yelling and cursing at me and said she would kill herself if I did not give her the pills. She told me it would be my fault if she kills herself.

My mom began screaming and cursing at me, along with her, and told me my sister is going to kill herself if I don’t give her my pills, and that it will be my fault if she does.

They were yelling vicious insults about me. Finally, to stop the yelling and cursing and insults and threats, I gave her my pills. Instantly, as if a switch was flipped, they calmed down and were laughing together and talking to me, like nothing happened. I was still angry and anxious and stressed, while they were already over it, like nothing. It wasn’t normal.

Emotions don’t just change in a second, especially intense emotions. She was threatening to die by suicide, and two seconds later, after she got her way, they’re both there laughing and talking and having a light-hearted conversation. They tell me that the fact that I’m still angry about something later, even mere minutes later, is me “not dropping things” and me “dragging something on” and “harassing” them. I never get to say my side or explain or defend myself.

This is just one example of what happens almost regularly in my house.

My sister demands us to come out of the bathroom when she wants to get in there and says it’s our fault if she gets a uti if we don’t come out. If I’m in a shower and don’t come right out, they both scream at me and call me a “psychopath” who wants my sister to get a uti. My mom literally jumps off the toilet when my sister bangs on the door and demands it. My sister is only doing this to control and get what she wants, when she wants it.

She uses the excuse that she has stomach issues or gets utis and has special needs that she should get in the bathroom right when she needs it. That could be a valid situation in some cases, but with my sister, it’s all about control & entitlement. It’s a pattern.

My dad is also a toxic person, but not as toxic to me as they are. Him and my mom never got along. She has a lot of pent up anger because of him. He moved out around two years ago, and as soon as he moved out, my mom’s verbal abuse got worse with me. It’s like she moved onto me once he was gone. I’m an easy target for her anger.

When my mom is angry, she becomes vicious and cruel in ways she isn’t when she’s not angry. Through the years, she has become frequently angry, so she’s frequently vicious now.

It began as me being an easy target, and then took on a life of its own. It’s like I’m her punching bag now. It’s as if she has an at-home gym where she goes to blow off steam whenever she feels like, and goes wild on a punching bag, and I’m that human punching bag. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it. When I try, it only makes it worse.

Everyday, she comes at me as much as she can. I’m often not home, but it’s when I am home. It’s in the mornings as I’m leaving for work, and at night when I get home. I mostly stopped texting her during the days because it was happening in messages.

She could never do this to my sister or dad because they would do worse back to her. I don’t. So, she learned that she can unleash it all onto me, with no consequences to herself.

I had a therapist years ago who said, by what I described, my mom displays displaced & disproportionate anger. She suggested I talked to my mom about it, but my mom wouldn’t accept she can do anything wrong. My mom becomes furious when she’s told she’s wrong. She’s still like that now. When I told her what my therapist said, she said she doesn’t care what “some quack” thinks of her. Now, she’s much worse than back then.

My mom is also abusive in more subtle ways that, on the surface, or in isolated cases, my not seem that bad, but all adds up. She’s regularly passive-aggressive, in just mundane interactions. Most interactions with her, even in messages, leave me drained or anxious or in turmoil, even if I can’t pinpoint exactly why. After paying closer attention, I realized she does subtle things on purpose to get at me.

My sister dropped out of school on the first day of 9th grade, and my mom never homeschooled her. My mom always took care of our basic physical needs and bought us anything we wanted, but when I got to be an adult, I realized my mom was very neglectful in other ways, particularly with my sister.

I had some basic rules, growing up. But my sister did not. I don’t have kids, but I understand that kids need guidelines or rules, and they have to have some kind of age-appropriate accountability when they break them.

My mom never set rules or boundaries or encouraged my sister to work at having a future in terms of money or work. My sister had no bedtime growing up, nothing was off limits. She was allowed to watch and eat anything she wanted, whenever she wanted. She refused to go to elementary school unless my mom did volunteer work there. My mom volunteered there til my sister graduated. My sister went to middle school, and then never went to high school.

When my sister did wrong, she either wasn’t told or was told about it and would have meltdowns and then was told it was ok after that, that she wasn’t wrong, just to calm her down.

My dad was around, but he never had a say in anything back then. My mom had the final say, and her philosophy was that my sister could do what she wanted, when she wanted, with no consequences.

And now the consequences of that are severe, as an adult. My sister is beyond entitled. She doesn’t function like an adult, even though cognitively or intellectually, she is adult age. Emotionally, she’s like three years old.

My sister never got a GED. She has an 8th grade education. My mom has no problem with that, but she does have a problem with my low pay and my job she calls “shitty” and “nothing.”

My mom never had any true problems with me. I was a very easy kid, I never gave her problems as a teenager or young adult. I went to school and work. I contribute, financially. She has no reason to have the resentment for me that she does. It’s all because I’m an easy target. And it’s regularly and intentionally fueled by my sister. My mom is like my sister’s puppet. My sister tries to control me through my mom.

My mom hasn’t worked in 40 years. She chose not to.

They both refuse to work or even get government assistance because they don’t want to leave the house. They depend on my pay and some of my dad’s social security money he gives us to help out. And they say it’s my fault we don’t have enough money because I did “nothing” with my life and have a “shitty job.”

They almost never leave the house, and they refuse to socialize with anyone. My mom wasn’t always that way, she had friends. But my sister isolated her, through the years. I used to think it was my dad isolating my mom, but I realized it’s my sister. My sister wants my mom only to herself.

They have no life outside of each other and no opinions or personality outside of each other. They disagree on nothing, and anything I tell my mom, she tells my sister, even if I ask her not to. My mom refuses to text me unless it’s in a group chat with my sister. But they have their own chat without me.

My sister has to oversee every single message my mom and me send to each other. She’s that controlling of my mom.

If my mom even hints at disagreeing with my sister on anything at all, or won’t do something she wants, my sister will scream and threaten all night long.

It’s an extreme pathological bond. It’s not normal for anyone, not even a romantic couple. They don’t exist without each other. It’s like they’re the same person.

My sister won’t go to any of her doctor or dentist appointments without my mom. At almost 30 years old.

They also share the same delusions with no basis. For example, they are both convinced that a friend I had in college, years ago, a young woman, was going to kidnap me and sell me into human trafficking. There is literally no basis for this. She was Brazilian, so they came up with this racist delusion.

They also held other strange delusions, through the years, including that my sister’s doctors were conspiring against them, doctors who did not even know each other. These are things that no reasonable person would believe. And somehow, both of them happen to believe the delusion.

This may just be a hobby, I’m not sure if this is pathological or just a different belief system/interest, but they share a doll collection, and they both truly believe the dolls walk around when no one can see and that the dolls communicate with them and tell them things.

They use crystals and pendulums and “magic” wands. But they both literally believe all this and that the dolls are telling them the same thing. They believe the dolls get angry at me on their behalf. They don’t have any separate beliefs. They don’t question or doubt each other, ever. And the source of it is my sister. If my sister said she saw a real zombie in her bedroom, my mom would believe it.

They’re like a two-person cult. It’s triggered by my sister. I realized recently that the root of all this is my sister. I had a therapist years ago, before my sister and mom were this bad, who said what I was describing about them is “emotional incest,” but it’s much worse than that. It’s brainwashing. It’s legit brainwashing, not something said as an insult or loosely. My sister brainwashed my mom.

My therapist years ago thought my mom was the one coercing my sister into it. But it was my sister all along. Back then, I did not understand the situation or the underlying phenomenon.

As a teenager & younger adult, my sister & mom would have shouting matches, regularly, every single night. My sister would have blowups every night about all of her problems, and would demand my mom to listen to her and try to fix her problems.

It was an every night thing that would last hours. It was our normal. It never involved me. It was my mom and sister, and then my dad would involve himself and make it even worse. My sister and dad would have blowups that would trigger each other’s. It was usually taken out on my mom.

Back then, my mom was not as vicious with me because she was getting her anger out on my sister. Eventually, the shouting matches got less & less. My mom would compliment her and buy her flowers and gifts and do constant favors for her, to keep her calm.

Then, the pathological bond began to develop to an extreme, and my mom’s anger was directed more at me. It got worse after my dad moved out, two years ago. The better my mom & sister get along, the worse my mom is with me.

For many years, I was confused about the source of this whole toxic family situation. I used to think the main culprit was my dad because his voice was the loudest and his toxic ways, most explicit. But when he moved out, it got even worse. I realized he was a problem, but not the main problem.

I began to consciously pay attention during interactions and see exactly what’s going on. And I thought back to all the issues through the years and realized my sister is the underlying problem. My mom has toxic traits of her own that I think are innate. She used to verbally abuse my dad before he became worse abusive to her as a result.
But my sister is the main instigator of the main problem here.

My mom used to have a personality outside of my sister, and we used to get along well enough. She was always toxic in some ways, but not this extreme. She used to say when my sister was wrong, and my mom had her own mind. My sister took over my mom’s whole person. My mom is not allowed to agree with me on anything, or my sister has outbursts and says we’re against her. Then, my mom will change her mind and agree with my sister.

This was not always the case to this extent, but there was always a hint of it. My mom always had to give into what my sister demanded, since she was a toddler. The difference is, my mom knew what was happening. She knew my sister was being controlling and wrong. She used to tell me all the things my sister did and how her life would be easier without my sister and that she felt like she had a toddler still.

She used to defend me against my sister and tell my sister she was wrong when my sister did something to me. Now, she supports everything my sister does to me. She goes along with her and encourages it.

Gradually, through the years, my mom stopped realizing what my sister is doing and is now devoted to my sister. It’s like Stockholm syndrome. She traumatized my mom into worshipping her and being devoted to her, unconditionally. My mom knows she gets rewarded the more affection and agreement she shows my sister and “punished” if she goes against her. But it’s not conscious anymore.

She literally says my sister can do no wrong. And if I say my sister did something wrong, my mom yells and curses at me, and yells “Don’t you dare say anything bad about her, you fucking bitch, she does nothing wrong!!” Or she just tells me to shut up and refuses to listen. Then, she goes back and tells my sister what I said about her. Then, my stuff goes missing or gets broken when I’m at work.

If my mom or me are using the microwave and my sister wants to use it, my sister wants us to stop using it and take our food out before it’s done so she can use it. My mom listens. My mom will stop the microwave and take her food or coffee out before it’s done, and lets my sister use the microwave. I don’t.

And I get called vicious insults for it and get lies told about me or accused of untrue things, like that I’m taking longer on purpose just to make my sister wait. Or my sister will say her depression was triggered because I wouldn’t let her use the microwave as soon as she wanted and that if she kills herself, it will be my fault. Then, she goes on Facebook and writes that I’m a monster and a domestic abuser. And I can’t defend myself or explain my side.

My sister makes my mom make her food if it’s something not microwaved, throws her trash around the floor and makes my mom pick it up. If she wants something, upstairs, my mom has to go up and get it for her and bring it down to her. My mom has to make all her doctor and dentist appointments. My mom has to wash my sister’s clothes.

And I have to pick up my sister’s prescriptions and do all her food shopping or any paperwork she needs done.

There is nothing wrong with my sister that she can’t do this. She’s just entitled. My sister does nothing but watch movies all day, while my mom and me do everything she needs. And she’s almost 30 years old. My mom sees nothing wrong with this anymore. She used to say my sister was running her ragged.

When I speak up about it now, after years of saying nothing about it, I’m told I’m abusing my sister and trying to make her feel low about her life and that I’m arrogant.

I used to think my sister was just spoiled and overly sensitive. Now, I understand it’s way worse than that. She’s manipulative & abusive. I’m not qualified to diagnose, but I think she has sociopathic tendencies. I even saw her seriously injure herself before, without her knowing I saw, just so she can tell my mom I left my scissors out and she “fell” onto them, simply so my mom would be angry at me.

She stabbed herself deeply in the leg. She went running and screaming to my mom that I carelessly left my scissors out and that she fell onto them. My mom came yelling and cursing at me and calling me insults. She wouldn’t believe that I saw my sister stab herself with something she already had with her, not my scissors. My mom called me a liar. She automatically believed my sister.

And there is no physical or logical way those scissors would have been able to even scratch her. I set them up how they were and lightly touched them with my fingertip, and they fell back. They could never have deeply cut anyone.

My sister wants me to have a toxic relationship with our mom and her and my mom have a perfect one. She will lie about me right in front of me to my mom. And my mom will believe her. She’ll tell my mom I said an insult about her or that I knocked something over, when it never happened. And my mom will yell and curse at me or say something vicious about me.

And when my mom turns around and can’t see, my sister will smirk at me, to let me know she got something over on me. My sister and me both know what’s going on, but my mom won’t see it. My sister is consciously controlling and enslaving her and using her against me.

My sister lies frequently about me to my mom, just to have my mom angry at me or defending my sister against me.

And my sister will thank her for defending her against me. She says “Thank you, Mommy, I love you Mommy.” And will secretly smirk at me. And my mom responds “You’re welcome, sweetie, I love you too, sweetie,” both in extremely sweet, fake voices.

My sister makes herself child-like, but it’s completely fake. She knows what she’s doing, my mom doesn’t anymore. But I think on some level, she does still know.

She spends money excessively, and my mom allows it. She used to not let my sister spend too much, but my sister would blow up on her & threaten until she got her way. She would accuse my mom of intentionally triggering her depression or eating disorder. Now, she does that to me. My mom began to just allow anything my sister wants.

My sister would be excessively sweet to my mom, intentionally, to get a positive reaction. My mom used to recognize what was happening and doesn’t anymore. When I try explaining, she either gets furious, or laughs at me, depending upon her mood. But she always denies it.

Eventually, my mom stopped resisting and dedicates her life to my sister. She even talks to my sister in a fake, sweet tone, that’s forced. But, I don’t think she realizes anymore that she’s doing this. Rarely, she will tell my sister “no,” and my sister yells & sobs and threatens, like before, so my mom gives in. My sister always had blowups into the night, mostly directed at my mom, unless she got her way.

A few months ago, my sister demanded to spend $400 that we needed for bills & food. My mom, for once, said no. My sister screamed all night and threatened to kill herself, until my mom let her spend it. I said we need that for bills & food, and my mom & sister both began yelling & cursing at me and calling me a narcissistic abuser who just wanted to make my sister feel low about herself. Even though just minutes before that, my mom said the same thing to my sister.

My sister claims she has multiple identities/alters/personalities living in her body. I have never seen any real signs of this. And she says it’s my fault. She pretends to be a different personality when she doesn’t get her way or is told she’s wrong, and she loses track of what she’s even doing.

Her name is ****, and she’ll be pretending to be a different personality talking about herself, and she’ll say “I told you to stop doing this to me,” then she’ll correct herself and say “I mean,**** told you to stop doing this to her!”

Clearly, it’s fake, when she’s making mistakes like that. She’ll do or say something and then later tell me it was one of the “alters” and that she shouldn’t be accused because it wasn’t her fault if they did something wrong in her body.

I tried bringing all this up during arguments when everyone is angry. And I tried bringing it up later when everyone is calm.

I tried bringing the issue up in a calm manner, and I tried bringing it up in an angry, snippy tone. I tried putting it in writing, and talking about it in person. But no matter what, nothing gets through to them. No matter how or when I try to explain how toxic this all is, it doesn’t get through. They get defensive or mock me.

They tell me I’m just having “personal issues” or that my real problem is with something or someone else and that I’m just taking it out on them. Or they tell me I’m lying or exaggerating or that I deserve it. They tell me they do nothing at all wrong.

Recently, when I was leaving for work, I told my mom that my mental health is being affected and asked if we can go for a walk together later and talk about how what her and my sister does, affects me and how we can all work on it together, to stop it and make it better for all of us.

And her response was “I’m not going anywhere with you, we don’t do anything to you, get the hell out of here.” So, I had to just walk out for work with nothing solved.

There is no working through this with them or getting through to them. They are not normal or rational people, and they never will be, especially my sister. And as long as my sister has this hold on my mom, my mom will never, ever see it, or even try to understand.

So, I have to learn how to coexist with it and manage it in my own mind while it’s going on.

Last Summer, the effect on me was so severe that I developed a prominent twitching in my upper lip when I would be walking home and know I have to see them, or when I would walk down the steps in my house, knowing they were there in the living room and I would have to walk by them.

And I developed an intense burning in my abdomen that felt like my stomach acid burning a hole through the lining. My heart was having palpitations. I told them this was happening as a result of what they’re doing to me, and they laughed at me and said I was making myself out to be a “poor little victim.” They both laughed hysterically at me. And my mom sarcastically, to be dismissive, said “Oh sure you have heart palpitations.” To imply that I don’t.

I learned to cope better and stopped the physical effects. But I would like more ideas on how to live with it.

I can explain & express myself better and remember details better in writing, so I tried to explain in-depth here so it will be easier to remember & talk about in person during my appointment. I wouldn’t be able to remember as many details when I’m talking in person.

**********

That’s the whole message my therapist received, so she’ll know all this already when I get to my first appointment. That is so helpful. I’m glad they set it up that way.

I actually asked for help a while ago, but I wasn’t getting anywhere. Whenever I found a therapist or therapy place and read about it or talked to them on the phone, they were either too expensive, virtual (I don’t want that), just not vibing with me, or there were no spots available.

Someone I talked to about it before, sent me the bio of a therapist who is taking on one more patient before she leaves in a few months. That sounds perfect to me as I don’t feel I really need a therapist other than this problem.

I think it can be resolved in a few sessions. I want my side heard and to maybe get some tips to cope with it in my own mind since there is NO CHANCE of the situation getting better. I have to count on my own mind to just handle it.

I read her bio, and I think she’ll be great. I’m glad I found her, and it feels I already have an ally in my corner who is committed to listening to understand my side.

This abuse is pernicious. It’s done in a way that’s clever and more difficult to call out. It’s carefully crafted to make it look like it could all be me and have me doubting myself and asking myself if I’m really just being petty and overreacting. My gut has always known I’m not. Then, I paid attention and thought it through and then saw social media posts about abuse & abusers like this. Sometimes whole families against one. And I understand now. They claim I’m the abuser and toxic person.

If I am the abuser, then why are my sister’s Facebook posts about me public, where I can see? An abuser would knock her head off for that. Why does my post have to have certain people blocked off it, but hers can be public?

Because I’m the one who would suffer the consequences of holding an abuser accountable. How ironic that I am the one called a narcissistic abuser, yet they can say whatever they want to and about me, right in front of me, with no consequences. And I have to keep everything in or suffer the wrath.

I see people in person and in movies refusing to accept something that is not even a fraction of the mistreatment I endure. That’s when I am reminded how bad it really is. When I see people calling out mistreatment that is nothing next to this because they know it’s wrong. And I’m expected to believe what happens to me is ok and that I deserve it (when I’m not being told it never happened).

I have a happy life outside of this. I have a fulfilling job and volunteer job. I have hobbies & interests, friends, and my pets. I have my health and events I attend. This makes it easier to cope with.

So, here is my side and my voice.

And, I hope anyone else out there struggling in silence like this, will read this, and recognize it as abuse and understand what is happening to them is wrong. It’s not ok. It’s not “just the way they are.” You are not overreacting. You’re not “too sensitive.” Your reactions and emotions are valid. You are not the problem. They’ll have you feeling like you are and doubting yourself and feeling petty. They are serious abusers.

They are no better than the husband who walks through the door and batters his wife and slaps her around.

You are seen and heard and understood here in my space. 💚

(It’s possible I may add to this post later, but I do have another, much longer version. Sometimes, I edit my posts later, when I think of more to add)

Xoxo Kim