caffeine overkills

So I'm having THIS problem again. Where my body is begging for some sleep but my eyes are like supercharged energizer bunny. I know that I have issues with caffeine. I don't drink coffee at all cause if I did I would get nauseous, jumpy and whatnots. Drama kan? My friend can drink the blackest coffee and still sleep like a baby at the end of the day.

This is what exactly happened few years back when I was sitting for my P2 paper. Drank teh ais for dinner just for the extra boost and by extra I didn't mean spending the night wide awake with my mind jumping around here and there, talking nonsense if it could talk. Flunked that paper, go figure!

I had teh ais during our minum session after 5.30. The normal routine for slaves of the big firm like us before returning BACK to work. But I didn't expect that I would still be wideee awake at 3 in the morning. Crap. And tomorrow we need to say a word or two to the camera since our big boss is leaving at the end of this month. Bubye glowing skin *not that I have it*. Hello designer panda eyes. Dear god, have mercy on me. Sigh.



P/s: here I am, cold sweating thinking bout work. On what specifically, I have no idea.

I still believe in fairy tale. What about you? And they lived happily ever after, that's what they said. With the pressure that I have to go through now, all I need to know is at the end of the day everything, everything will be okay. Sigh. Now excuse me while I go and find my happy ending.

I cried watching a Kardashian's show. Why would someone cry watching the Kardashian kan. Kim didn't get her father to walk her down the aisle and as for me, I'm not going to get my dad to be my wali *insert sad face here*.

ps: Her dress is ah-mazing.

From kota bharu to old klang road

How was your raya? Mine was ok but i still can't accept the fact that i'm ineligible to receive duit raya anymore. Cries.

Being at home brings me closer to my late daddy. When i first entered their room, his smell still lingered as if he was still around. Felt like i needed a reality check. Broke down and cried on his side of the bed rightaway. His grave is like a knock in the head, waking me up to my senses. Nangis lagi since this is the first time i'm home since March.

And this raya jugak la i received tons of when's your turn? For marriage obviously. I'm a 21 years old hormone-driven-hopeless-romantic lady. Jangan tanya boleh? Kan dah buat i pressured nak cari a companion. Facepalm. But hold your rein as i know that now is not the time to look after a boyfriend dah. Ni masa mencari calon suami who can guide me to the right path, who accepts me the way i am. I want 'us' to be like Ayah and Mama. Cinta sampai akhir hayat. There were a fee occasions where people asked Mama dah ade pengganti or not. I can't understand why people could be so insensitive. Urgh. But her answer brought me to tears every single time. 'Takkan ada pengganti dia'. And by this point people would realised that they have been an insensitive cow.

The first two paragraphs was written when i was still in kb and im not rajin enough to edit it. That explains the title yeh. Oh people, my birthday is in 4 days now!

It has been a year.pejam celik pejam celik.i used to say i dont know how to live my days after he's gone.tapi now dah a year dah pun.

I miss u daddy.it has been ages since i last cried cause of u.i mean the sobbing punye nangis.masa baca yassin tadi laju je air mata.how i wish u were still here with us.

Since i've been working,dh jarang baca yassin.balik rumah dah penat,kejar benda duniawi tengok fb and tumblr then terus tido.the cycle repeats tomorrow.mungkin hati dah jadi keras.rindu memang rindu.all the time.tapi the tears dont shed anymore.harini rasa dekat sangat to u ayoh.

I still remember when i complained how hard the paper was and u said u are proud of me no matter what.how i wish u could see me now and tell me the same thing.i really need that.

Al-fatihah.

Money money money

Lets' talk bout money. Without money, u can die but too much of it can kill u.

Money 1
Being a career woman *super puke*, i now know how hard it is to get RM1. Yelah, everything have to bayar using my OWN money. Bayar tu bayar ni hulur situ hulur sini, end of month dah terkorek duit. Last month, i only had RM20 in my purse and i had to take a cab to a client's place. Tau saje lah taking a cab in KL macam mana. But before hailing the cab, i tawakal pergi atm check duit. I never felt richer. It wasn't even 28th yet tapi alhamdulillah gaji dah masuk. HE is always there for me.


Money 2
Did u know that an engineer in Medan only gets around 300 usd per month? That's like what, 1/3 of Malaysian engineer punya gaji? Count your blessing everyone. Yes,we can argue that the cost of living in Indonesia is cheaper yada yada yada but,their value is only worth of that? Duit ni if we keep on saying tak cukup la, memang tak akan cukup *i'm guilty of this jugak*. I pergi interview kakak cleaner, she said she get RM900 every month and sometimes she has to come at 7 and leave at 7 u know! Kalah auditor. Terus i insaf kejap cause i ni balik lambat pun duduk je hadap computer, got aircond somemore.


Money 3
Last night i went to pasar malam with my mom. She went to buy some ikan while i pergi beli air. Then when i met her she said the fishmonger tu claimed that my mom gave him duit palsu. I check la the money and memang it was fake pun. Macam normal kertas u print out as duit and buruk sangat sampai i pegang terus koyak in the middle. Come on la, takkan la mama nak bagi that money kan? Kita tau adat, ade sivik and i know that my mom's duit memang fresh from atm cause we baru withdraw. But the guy said my mom was the last customer and tu her duit. So mama just said ' makcik boleh ganti tapi tuhan tahu' qnd hand him another 50. I dengar tu pun i almost nangis, tak tengok live lagi. Why la have to be like that? Lapar duit sangat ke? I felt like shoving the fishes into their asses but mama said 'kita rugi 50, insyaAllah dapat 150'. Amin. And i just hope they will get sleepless nights. Asyik nampak muka my mom cakap tuhan tahu. Amin.

On a lighter note, how la nak jadi fashionable ni? I la paling sopan pergi office with baju kurung every day. I look hideous in suit * nangia ceruk dinding*

Ok la bye loves!

Testing testing

Can you not underestimate people for a second? Urgh why do you have to be so annoying?

Life so far.

I am now a confirmed employee!weeho.and with that comes a greater responsibility for me to carry.but no complaints or whatsoever because this is what i wanted.i remembered telling one of my friend 'kalau tak dapat big 4 aku tak nak kerja'.Alhamdulillah i managed to my dream job without using any strings ke cable ke.yelah my parents are nobody pun.mana ada contact nak mintak tolong.i guess He thinks that last year was a bit tough for me and He granted my doa for a great job.But he has yet to grant my doa for the best jodoh.haha.
I attended my graduation last week.we were all dolled up perasan comel.alhamdulillah i've managed to complete my ACCA in 2 years.tho twas a merry event,i wished ayoh was there.it was an emotional rollercoaster for me.as much as i loved to see my friends,to get on the stage,to be pretty,deep inside im crying.how i wished ayoh was there.at one point i couldn't stand the longing for him,i cried.i miss him dearly.and the speech from the vice chancellor wasn't really helping when he talked about some of the unfortunate graduates yang their parents couldn't attend the ceremony and i felt like the 567743 pairs of eyes in the hall were looking at me tho they weren't.how i wish i could be stronger.
Oh crap.i was intending to write on my work and how cute the Khazanah's guy i met last week tapi termenangis again.not good not good.lets recite Al-Fatihah to my daddy and maybe your daddy,or mommy and to all of our beloved ones who are no longer with us.Al-fatihah.
This is my first time blogging via my smartphone. ceh perlu ke mention smartphone. Haha. I hadiahkan diri sendiri sebab nak mintak dengan my mom mestilah tak dapat. I'd have uploaded my graduation pic if i know how. Tapi i noob mestilah tak tahu tho dah 2 months guna this phone.
Okthanksbye.

It's not easy.

My uncle passed away just now due to lungs problem. I wish I could be there in my hometown by my aunty's side. She's like a mother to me. And to my cousins, I hope they can handle this very well. I know how hard it is to send a parent to his final resting place. It seems like the air is being sucked out of you. Unreal. Sadness crushing you to the bone and deep inside you are screaming to get out of the nightmare- which sadly is the reality.

Up till now I still get the feeling to call home to talk with my father. Then I suddenly realised that he's no longer there. I miss him. Since I've started working, there were two occasions when I ran to the surau and sobbed just because I missed him. Every tiny prick could made me burst into tears. And all I know is the guys are afraid to make fun of me because there was this one time they were calling me 'mak cik', all 3 of them while laughing. And I was there all alone tak de geng nak back up I, straightaway said 'tak baik buli anak yatim' and made my way out of there (to surau to cry). It wasn't really about the name calling, but geez I don't know why I said that. When I got back to my workstation, I could see that they were freaking out and thank god they apologised. I know you might think that was so immature of me to act like that, making daddy's demise as an excuse but I wish I could be stronger to face the upcoming days. I guess underneath the brave cape that I'm wearing, there are pieces that are so fragile which a poke could shatter them.

I've noticed that most of the posts in this blog relates to Ayoh's demise. I've tried to write about something fun, something lively but writing them aren't as easy as writing on how I'm dealing with all this. So I guess this blog is going to be my mourning space for now. Lend me your ears, or in this case eyes and shoulders boleh?

ps: I went to work today. On Sunday. Can you believe it?

what about you?

Greeting earthlings!

I've been working for 2 weeks already and boy I learned a lot. I think I'm the laughing stock of the office because of me just being me. I don't know what exactly on their mind but it seems like they are laughing at every single thing I do or say. In a good way. And I will be like 'WHAT??'. Maybe because i look like a schoolgirl with my adorable kurungs *puke* or maybe because I'm that hopeless.

There are only two Malay girl in my department, me and a senior. So basically i'm at the bottom of the food chain with people picking on me. I'm the go to people if they want a pair of extra hands to scan or copy anything. Yeah, I know how to operate the copier and scanner on my first day at work. Lame much? Lol. Dude, we are not talking about normal copier here. This is the big hi-tech one with lots of buttons. So I cool kan?

Can u imagine four guys, 3 of them are chain smokers sitting at a table talking guys' stuff with smoke puffing from their mouths or nose and in the middle there is a petite girl with baju kurung and tudung with her PINK water bottle. Well, that's how my lunches usually look like. Yeah I'm a cheapskate I carry my water bottle to lunch. Hahaha. It's not that I gatal sangat nak makan dengan laki ke apa. It's just that there aren't not that many Malay girls. So i have no choice. And it's not that I'm a racist tak kawan Cina, India or anything. U know how when it comes to food kan? So yeah everyday I ada escorts 4 orang for lunch.

So basically that's my life now. Waking up at 5.50 am to beat the traffic,reach home at 9. Tidur then the same cycle again the next day and the next. But these past 2 weeks have been a hell lot of fun because I'm doing something that I love. Cross fingers that this excitement will never fade.

so how's life people?

just like polariod. it fades.

I am ashamed to even look at this blog due to the lack of posts. Beria cakap nak post every other day. Every other month pun dah lepas. Sigh.

I have like a week to spend my days makan tidur-ing as InsyaAllah I'll start working on 1st March. A. WEEK. FROM NOW. Can you imagine that? I bet after that my eye bags will sag to the chin and no more endless BigFish games, reading gossips, reading ghost stories and ended up feeling like 'someone' is watching me. No more lepak-ing with my mom, trying out lots of restaurants which explains the 'excess luggage' that I am now carrying. Lol. Going to Ayoh's grave every other day, fetching my nephew from the kindergarten. I wish I could stay at home forever and live the easy life where a rich, handsome prince will ask my hand in marriage and we will live happily ever after. Is it just me or every other straight girl in the world have that dream?

Oh yeah I've completed my ACCA. In only 2 awesome years. Hah kan dah bongkak. Alhamdulillah syukur tho last semester was like, I don't know, words can't even describe it. When I decided to take a month off last sem, my lecturers were a bit unsupportive. With me taking 3 papers, they said it was impossible for me to pass it all. Siap tanya dalam class depan orang ramai on my first day after my 'hiatus' sampai I nangis dalam class. Drama queen much? Haha. Well, techically bukan tanya pun. Biarlah, yang penting I proved them wrong. Alhamdulillah.

But, I wish I could share this news with my daddy. I hope he's smiling now, from there. From a place so lush promised by HIM. All my yassins and doas are for him. Okay, enough rantings for tonight or else I'll start sobbing. I'll leave you with something funny tho cause I'm cool like that. Pffft.

E.P.I.C

Funny thing happened just now. I was in my mom's room *me and my 2 nieces been crashing it since daddy's demise*. Suddenly, one of my niece yang tengah tido bangun and took off her pants. I asked her why, dia jawab nak pee. BUT, bukannya die pergi toilet. Dia 'solat'. Solat tanpa seluar. Me and my mom laughed so hard sampai my mom kena cari her inhaler. She already prayed pun before tidur. Bagus kan anak buah I? *smug*

ps: It's a bit awkward to say my mom's room. im still used to say my parent's room.

Yeah I'm cool.

I've always been trying to be the 'at least' person. You know, the type of person who still thinks that everything will be alright eventhough everything seems falling apart. At least we get to enjoy the view, at least I still have a home etc. But something happened today made me contemplates what my future holds. Seriously now I rasa maybe I will end up kerja kat Mydin je.


Tadi when I was sleeping, I received a call from a company and I think I screwed it big time. It wasn't a phone interview, more like getting to know me. Tapi ni pun I dah freaked out and cakap tah pape so I should say goodbye to the job.


I know I shouldn't be this kacau because I wasn't looking forward to work in that company pun but my cousin was the one who forwarded my resume to the HR department, so macam I put my family to shame lah. Family rivalry is tense in my extended family thanks to that special someone. Anak die lah palig hebat, anak orang lain tak hebat. I know that Mama loves me no matter what and tak kisah I'm still unemployed tapi I want to make her proud of me.


Pape je lah.The more I think about it, the more miserable I become. Lets activate the at least mode. At least I get to spend some more time at home, at least I still get to wake up at 11. So kalau you down you just switch on your at least mode ok?

a lil reminder

This is for me and for you (especially me) who always forget bout HIM.