Daily Archives: November 29, 2006

November 29, 2006 · 11:40 pm

post barf

so now that I’ve done my confessing, I’m remarkably back to normal. my normal being: just focus on my road, my path, myself.

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Filed under Miscellaneous, Uncategorized

November 29, 2006 · 9:34 pm

“…& A”

A few days ago, I posted about questions writers dread. How to answer them? I’ve posted some suggestions below each question. I’m not an expert at this. I’ve been known to bite my lip, take a big bite of wedding cake, and say stupid things in real life scenarios.

And, because I’m in quite a snarky mood tonight, half of these answers are probably not useful. You’re welcome.

  • So, have you been published anywhere?
    • Since your reading consists of People magazine and The Sharper Image catalogue–nowhere you’d know about. (amend, if you do write for People or The Sharper Image catalogue).
    • YES.
    • Fuck off Have YOU?
    • *peer at them suspiciously* Why do you want to know?
    • NO. *start crying*
    • How are you doing with your weight loss plan?
    • So HOW long have you been trying to have a baby?
    • When are you getting married?!
  • So, do you have a literary agent?
    • I need to finish my novel first.
    • Fending them off!
    • Fuck off Do YOU?
    • *peer at them suspiciously* Why do you want to know?
    • How are you doing with your weight loss plan?
    • So HOW long have you been trying to have a baby?!
    • When are you getting married?!
  • How long have you been working on that novel? (Once, someone asked me that question and then followed up with, “How come it takes so long? I have a friend who wrote a novel in one month! Like *snaps her fingers* THAT!”)
    • YEARS.
    • As long as you’ve been trying to have a baby!
    • As long as you’ve tried to lose those twenty five pounds!
    • When are you getting married?!
  • Is there really a point to getting an MFA? What do you DO with an MFA?
    • What I like to DO with an MFA is talk about it with people like you
    • You could teach at community college with it.
    • It’s not the piece of paper–it’s about the 2+ years you spend sitting in workshop talking about your writing!
    • WA-WA-WEE-WA! Let’s make sexytime!
    • So how long have you been trying to have a baby?!
    • How’s that weight loss coming along?
    • When are you getting married?!
  • I could write a novel.
    • Great–why DON’T you?
  • Why would you want to be a writer?
    • It’s just what I want to do. It makes me happy, it fulfills my soul, it’s my DESTINY
    • Why would you want to be an asshole?
  • So, does your husband support your hobby your writing career?
    • Yes.
    • Yes. As you know, he married this nerd who’s always attached to her laptop because that’s what you think of when you hear, “Trophy Wife!”
  • Are you going to write about me?
    • You have NOOOO IDEA, I’m thinking of my next villain right now. Yes.
    • Yah, and I bet you won’t recognize yourself when I give you a big zit on your face and give you diarrhea in my next story. Yes.
  • What do you do all day at home?
    • Masturbate to fantasies of you, is that what you want to HEAR?
    • Stare at the blank computer screen.
    • Hit the delete key a whole lot
    • Write
    • Do all the errands because “I’m home all day”
    • blog.
    • How’s that weight loss going?
    • So HOW long have you been trying to have a baby?!
  • Do you make any money?
    • Yes. Just not on writing.
    • No.
    • How much do YOU make?
  • What’s your novel about? (followed by glazed eyes–if you are really interested, this can have a very cool outcome).
    • Well, you see it’s about this guy who…
    • That’s for me to know and you to pay money to find out!
    • Only if you tell me something about YOU.
    • Can I talk about your fetus before IT’s born?
    • I’m not ready to talk about it.
  • What have you written that I would have read?
    • What paper did you push at work that would make a difference in my life?
    • *cast eyes downward and sigh* Nothing.
    • If you have to ask….
    • What question is this on your checklist of judging questions?
    • You READ?

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Filed under Funny Shit, Life, Writing

November 29, 2006 · 9:00 pm

“Why HER?!”

I try to be the kind of writer who wants to help others succeed, especially friends. I think that, coming from the business world, I see a lot of people mentoring others and helping people move forward with their careers (despite the widespread perception that people in biz are backbiting, backstabbing cretins).  It’s inspiring, and a model I like to replicate.

Besides, I like it when my friends succeed. I think we all help each other get to the next level, somehow, like hobbits making the trek to throw the ring into the fire of Mordor.

But–I hate myself for this, but there is ONE person I HATE seeing succeed.  I hate it, I hate it.

I have thought long and hard why I burn when I see her succeed, and it’s because she’s mean, mean, mean.  Without even bringing up the topic myself, I’ve learned from others that she is mean to THEM, too.  And that THEY don’t like her either.  So I am not alone in feeling the cruelty of this person.

That is my evil thought of the day.  Thanks.

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Filed under Life, Writing